Today, I went to a fast food restaurant. The guy behind me was... - FML

By houdini - 3/2/2009 00:42 - United States

Today, I went to a fast food restaurant. The guy behind me was a pretty hot latin guy. When I went to pay, my purse fell off the counter. My birth control pills, a condom, 3 super plus tampons and an extra pair of underwear I keep in there for emergencies fell out at his feet. FML

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Serious times

Boozehound alert

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By Anonymous - 13/12/2013 21:41 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my boyfriend randomly decided to let me know that he believes there's really no such thing as cheating, unless both partners explicitly agree that the relationship is monogamous. And no, he wouldn't agree that ours is. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2013 01:55 - China - Shanghai

Today, I sang a romantic song I wrote for my girlfriend. She laughed at my soprano. FML

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By Sadboy - 6/4/2012 14:24 - United States

Today, I went to family therapy because my mom wanted the family to be closer. When asked what her biggest disappointment was in life, she turned to me and said, "Having a gay son" then patted my hand, smiled, and said "No offense, honey." FML

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By skippydoda - 25/6/2019 12:35

Today, I went to the bank to open an account. It took hours for them to tell me that I needed my driver's license, passport, and residency paper. I returned with the documents. They then said that they couldn't help me. FML

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By lily389 - 21/3/2011 05:02

Today, my boyfriend had a bad dream that a horse was biting his fingers off. He punched the horse in the neck, and in real life punched me in the spine. Twice. FML

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By Heggs - 31/10/2018 17:30

Today, it's Halloween. I get bullied every day and this was no exception, but this time I got beat up so hard I bled. Everyone thought it was part of my costume. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/11/2015 15:28 - United States - Jamestown

Today, I was in a play and had a battle scene. I got a little too into it and wound up twisting my ankle. The audience was treated to me screaming like a little girl before face-planting the stage a moment later. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/2/2011 21:47 - United States

Today, I woke up from my honeymoon to discover the love of my life is a bed wetter. FML

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By Sarah Lyn Guillen - 24/6/2019 04:59

Today, I saw the cutest baby watching a show with my Dad. After commenting how cute she was, my Dad goes on to say, "Yeah, most babies are cute. Except you, you looked like a lizard." FML

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By Lordofdance - 13/10/2017 16:00

Today, the only way my newborn sleeps is if I dance around with him strapped to me. Six hours and counting. FML

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By kill me - 20/6/2017 04:00

Today, while serving at my restaurant, a mother acted as a wing-woman for her son by insisting I read a note he'd written, asking for my number. I had to awkwardly reject the guy in front of his entire family, before having to keep serving them for another hour. FML

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By blushingbride - 9/2/2014 21:59 - United States - Alpharetta

Today, my husband decided to pick his nose out before he would kiss me. FML

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By Steph - 19/8/2019 02:00 - United States

Today, I was at a soccer game when some guys walking behind me yelled that I had a nice ass. I then heard someone shout, "Hey, assholes. That's my daughter." He yelled at them for quite a while. He wasn't my dad, just some weird dude. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/2/2010 02:17 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of six months dumped me for his girlfriend on Grand Theft Auto because he was "tired of having to please two women at once." FML

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By fashionVictim - 8/3/2009 20:35 - United States

Today, a guy informed me that the cute, really tiny little leather bracelet with little silver hearts and several snaps that I'd found in a head shop is actually a cock ring. I'm a girl. FML

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By James - 18/12/2012 02:28 - United States

Today, my neighbor installed a large radio that loudly plays Christmas music 24/7. When I called in a complaint to the police department they told me to, "get in the Christmas spirit." FML

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By Anonymous - 14/10/2010 08:19 - United States

Today, I found out that the blind man I've been helping for months at the grocery store by carrying his shopping around and stuff was actually faking his blindness. FML

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By PrettyScared - 29/7/2013 15:07 - United States - Matthews

Today, my step-brother said to me, "If we weren't related I would fuck you so hard." Mom says I should "be grateful for such a nice compliment." FML

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By creepyyy - 17/5/2014 16:54 - United States

Today, trying to be nice, I added this really shy kid from my English class on Facebook. Within minutes, he started going through all my pictures and tagging himself as my breasts. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/4/2012 00:13 - United States - San Mateo

Today, my boyfriend gave me a $100 gift card for Victoria's Secret. Suspicious, I checked the receipt he'd left in the bag. Turns out he had bought it during the 2 weeks we were broken up for some other girl who rejected him, so decided to give it to me instead. FML

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By Iknowitlooksbad - 22/6/2016 05:16

Today, I learned the hard way not to keep my own cash in my pocket while working as a cashier, when I was forced to give $30 to a scamming customer. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/5/2016 16:05 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my dad told me to knock it off with my "stupid gangster walk", saying it made me look like an idiot. I didn't have the balls to admit I'd sharted my pants and was awkwardly waddling to the bathroom to clean myself up. FML

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By bathroomgirl - 11/8/2011 16:09 - United States

Today, thinking I was alone in a public bathroom, I started singing the words to my favorite song. A minute later that I heard a toilet flush, so I just sat there petrified. The other person sarcastically picked up the singing from where I left off. FML

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By quackers - 8/7/2016 07:00 - United States - Columbus

Today, I found out that my favorite pizza place will no longer deliver to my area after dark because they've been robbed too many times. FML

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By shitty shit - 26/5/2015 15:40 - United States - Carmel

Today, I was looking at old pictures with my mom and saw one of myself crying in kindergarten. I asked why I was crying. She said that was the day a boy kissed me on the cheek, and I thought I'd gotten pregnant. She then decided to give me the sex talk. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/2/2013 17:14 - Sweden - Floda

Today, after nearly six weeks of seeing a nice girl, we finally decided to make it official. Two hours later, she pulled out a bridal magazine and not-so-casually asked me which wedding location I thought was the nicest. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/12/2013 00:48 - Canada

Today, for my 18th birthday my mum gave me a black lace thong. I'm a guy. FML

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By Anon - 4/1/2018 15:00

Epic Boss Battle

Today, hoping to seal the deal on a promotion, I had my boss over for dinner. My dad, who lives with me, started ranting about homosexuals burning in hell. My boss’s daughter is a lesbian. Now my dad’s nose is broken and I fear for my job. FML

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By kmctl - 20/5/2015 18:40 - United States - San Francisco

Today, some guy walked into the restaurant I work at and ordered enough food to serve the entire National Guard of Texas. He thanked us by leaving a $0.50 tip and shitting on the bathroom floor. FML

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By Spanky - 23/1/2009 11:36 - United States

Today, I went to the movies with a friend and her grandma. Her grandma was using toothpicks and dropping them on the ground next to our popcorn bucket. I took a big handful of popcorn, and was fortunate enough to get a piece of her toothpick lodged in my throat. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/12/2011 07:28 - United States

Today, I overheard my mom telling my younger sister not to use my razors because she "doesn't know what I may have." FML

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By drivingmecrazy - 28/5/2015 01:28 - United States - Sacramento

Today, I called 911 to report a drunk driver. The operator yelled at me for following the guy and told me to get off the phone because I shouldn't be driving with a phone to my ear. FML

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By appendicitisanyone - 28/12/2016 17:44 - United States - Fairfield

Today, I awoke to the pain of appendicitis. Apparently it isn't a good enough reason to miss court. I now have a warrant out for my arrest. FML

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By Confused - 16/4/2014 04:13 - United States - Irvine

Today, I met up with an old friend of mine who acts in a TV show. I hadn't seen him in a long time, but I'd been watching episodes of the show almost daily, so when he showed up I could only see him as his TV character and not as my friend. I ended up calling him by his character's name. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/2/2013 22:38 - United Kingdom - Romford

Today, I told my parents that I was going to hang out with some friends. My dad guffawed and said, "Ooh, look at Mary, pretending she has a social life." Thanks, Dad. FML

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By monty - 9/3/2009 02:53 - United States

Today, I was babysitting for my mom's coworkers two little boys. they went to bed around 9 and I was watching a movie on HBO. I fell asleep before the movie was over. I woke up to the parents walking into the house. I looked at the TV, and porn was on. FML

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By KeepOnTruckin' - 18/5/2019 17:50

Today, I had to help my best friend plan his upcoming date with the girl he doesn't know I'm secretly in love with. FML

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By elsatheannoyed - 12/11/2014 04:34 - United States - Santa Clara

Today, like any other day since that stupid movie Frozen came out, people have been asking me if I want to build a snowman. My name is Elsa. FML

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By Great - 9/4/2014 01:42 - United States - Katy

Today, my in-laws moved in. FML

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By selfdefense - 12/10/2009 04:16 - United Kingdom

Today, a customer at work became violent and started hitting me and my coworker. Not wanting him to get the shit beat out of us, I used a move that pinned the guy on the ground. The police came and he was arrested. I was then fired for assaulting a customer. FML

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Top comments

By Pop_and_Pixels | 0

#540 - Saturday 7 February 2009 21:06

Man, that's rough. But I understand where you're coming from. I have tons of stuff in my purse as well "just in case". Tissues, a miniature magnifying glass, a small first aid kit, a deck of Indiana Jones themed playing cards, a rape whistle, a pocketknife... everything but the kitchen sink. You never know what could happen...

By kile88 | 2

#672753 - Sunday 15 November 2009 14:43

and that's why you put it all in that little zip up compartment that bags come with so that doesn't happen

COMMENTS

By Pop_and_Pixels | 0

#540 - Saturday 7 February 2009 21:06

Man, that's rough. But I understand where you're coming from. I have tons of stuff in my purse as well "just in case". Tissues, a miniature magnifying glass, a small first aid kit, a deck of Indiana Jones themed playing cards, a rape whistle, a pocketknife... everything but the kitchen sink. You never know what could happen...

Reply

EmmyGrangerDC | 0

#1250278 - Monday 16 August 2010 6:10

whoa...

By rulechibippl | 0

#2290 - Sunday 15 February 2009 6:26

Nothing wrong with being prepared.

Reply

HeyHeyFishFillet | 34

#5760476 - Tuesday 19 November 2013 18:33

Too bad she didn't have anything in the purse to save her from embarrassment.

By eve6grl02 | 0

#132994 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 18:06

Maybe he likes a woman who's prepared for anything! =D

By POORLiLSTELA | 0

#159469 - Friday 1 May 2009 13:02

wtf is up with #1.
too damn stereotypical!
as for houdini, i do see how it maybe a lil embarassing *in the fact that you dropped almost everything*
but its nothing bad!
i mean you're prepared
you're careful and safe.
speaks a lot about you.

By kizz_fml | 0

#166792 - Monday 4 May 2009 5:43

omg. sucks to be you!

Reply

drdingus | 27

#4076767 - Thursday 23 February 2012 11:52

It does

By 420bliss | 0

#173150 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 3:37

I have an idea... instead of taking that last week of pills just skip it and keep taking the pills everyday. Voila, no periods.

Reply

lottso88 | 4

#3801503 - Thursday 29 December 2011 5:57

That can really mess you up. Your uterus needs to shed every month, or else you wouldn't even have a period in the first place.

Reply

misslauraselina | 7

#7535304 - Tuesday 29 August 2017 18:36

You can actually skip it most months as long as you have at least 3 periods a year. Your uterus doesn't "need" to shed, and there are no proven negative effects to skipping your period if you do it responsibly and make sure your doctor knows about it.

By sarahlee123 | 0

#213598 - Wednesday 20 May 2009 6:09

ohh my gooodness!
hahahahaha
life sucks.

By greeneggsnsam | 0

#228045 - Monday 25 May 2009 4:56

did he help pick them up for you?

By MetalCraze | 11

#250921 - Monday 1 June 2009 16:12

you carry a spare pair of undewear cause periods may get messy

By rocker8877 | 0

#302405 - Sunday 14 June 2009 1:41

#1 you're a fucking racist