Today, I went to a fast food restaurant. The guy behind me was... - FML

By houdini - 3/2/2009 00:42 - United States

Today, I went to a fast food restaurant. The guy behind me was a pretty hot latin guy. When I went to pay, my purse fell off the counter. My birth control pills, a condom, 3 super plus tampons and an extra pair of underwear I keep in there for emergencies fell out at his feet. FML

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White line fever

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

Nice neighborhood

By today - 17/3/2010 06:12

Today, I put on some goggles on in the pool, only to go underwater and see an old man "discreetly" jerking it. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2015 04:39

Today, my current boyfriend was so impressed by my blowjob abilities he sent my ex-boyfriend a message saying thanks. FML

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By Eivana - 30/11/2018 12:00

Today, I finally got up the nerve to leave my boyfriend. We have no spark and quite honestly, it's been really awkward. I planned to tell him when he came in, and I did. After all was said and done, he handed me the roses and new puppy he had bought for me, a puppy that I had been saving up to get. FML

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By Pox - 4/2/2011 03:19 - United States

Today, I got chickenpox. I'm 28 and having chickenpox as an adult is excruciatingly painful. When I told my boss I wasn't going to be at work today because of chickenpox he replied, "That's the worst excuse I've ever heard. Adults don't get chickenpox." He then fired me. FML

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By unendowed - 18/3/2012 02:11 - United States - Katy

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be a good idea to go down on me with chewing gum in her mouth. I spent next hour and a half getting Orbit out of my pubes. FML

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By wtfuraretard - 19/2/2010 20:18 - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me over, all just to unclog his toilet. It was clogged because he put my phone in it while he was taking a dump to see if it would actually flush. FML

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By TheHam - 5/9/2019 18:00 - Sweden

Restrictions

Today, the school called my dad telling him they want to put me on a diet, because they're worried about my weight. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/3/2015 05:35

Today, after a 16-hour work day, I came home to my husband. I talked to him for about 10 minutes, then realized that he wasn't answering me but had his headset on and was talking on Xbox live. Not even playing a game, just talking. FML

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By FOXYgrandpa441 - 19/7/2012 00:41 - United States - Casper

Today, I was getting lunch at a fast food restaurant. My boss was in front of me, and in order to get on his good side I offered to pay. Instead, I got fired because I guess my boss assumed I was making fun of his salary, which I knew nothing about. FML

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By janae - 6/8/2018 23:30

Today, I discovered that I am pregnant. I questioned my boyfriend and he admitted to not using a condom because he thought we were just doing "practice sex". FML

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By NoDocVisit - 27/7/2016 02:27 - United States - Parrish

Today, I found out why my husband doesn't want me to go to the doc. It's not because of the reasonable copay. It's because he has let 3 other women use my insurance to give birth, in the last 4 years. They are all his. FML

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By Alyssa - 19/10/2009 19:37 - United States

Today, my manager mentioned that she'd hired a "cute boy" to help me out at work with paperwork. The "cute boy" was my ex-fiancé and now I have to be with him in an office for 30 some hours a week while his current fiancée brings him lunch everyday. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/10/2018 15:30

Today, my fiancée bought me a luxury getaway to the Maldives, complete with a five-star hotel and first-class plane tickets. Too bad she used my credit card, with all the money I was saving for our wedding. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/5/2015 13:58 - United States

Today, a guy hit on me. It's such a rare occurrence that I didn't know how to react, so I panicked and said "Sorry, I have to go!" Then I remembered we were on a bus, and just turned around and awkwardly pretended he wasn't there. FML

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By Noname - 19/2/2009 21:11 - United States

Today, my sister asked if she could look through my closet to find something to wear. She is 6 months pregnant. FML

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By yeahno - 12/9/2010 16:52 - United States

Today, I found out that the man who came into work yesterday, the man who tried to grope me from over the counter, the one who spat his drink in my face, the one who kicked me in the shins when he didn't like the way his food tasted, is a regular and I can expect him three times a week. FML

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By Nikki - 30/5/2010 16:29 - Canada

Today, as a bridal shower gift, I got a "coupon" for 25% off divorce attorney fees. It was a collective gift. FML

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By FlatFoot - 5/10/2017 07:00 - United States - New York

Move, bitch! Get out the way!

Today, my dad ran over my foot with his work truck. FML

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By Daemon - 27/10/2008 04:57 - France

Today, after a party, I brought a girl to the flat I share with my 2 best friends. While we are doing it, she asks me "You're not afraid your friends could hear us?". The only answer that spontaneously came out of my mouth: "Don't worry, they're used to it". FML

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By financially_wreckd - 21/12/2014 00:53

Today, thanks to some asswipe drunk driver fleeing the cops the wrong way down a one-way street, I've now had my third wreck this year. My insurance premium's now higher than Bob Marley in a weed factory. FML

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By Tiana - 9/1/2012 01:51 - United States

Today, I asked a waiter at a restaurant if I could go in the kitchen to compliment the chef. She turned out to be really pretty, so trying to be cool, I leaned back onto what I thought was a table. It turned out to be a stove, and my shirt caught fire. FML

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By half-dead in CA - 31/5/2014 16:39 - United States - San Francisco

Today, as I was standing in line at the checkout, the elderly guy in front turned around and said quietly to me, "Sometimes I shit my pants." He then nodded grimly and turned back around, hitting me with the full force of the stench now coming from his pants. FML

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By Lebac - 14/4/2015 08:33 - United States - Burlington

Today, I went to feed my neighbors' chickens while they were on vacation. I noticed the TV on inside, so I peeked in to see if the place was being messed with. Guess who found the neighbor home early, fully naked, and jerking off. FML

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By that makes me a sad panda - 19/5/2014 21:44 - Sweden - Ume

Today, my landlord's control issue got out of control when I got a call telling me I have "too much stuff" and have to move out of the apartment. I sold all my furniture when I moved in and all I currently own is a scratch post, a chair and a pair of curtains. FML

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By eamiller - 23/12/2014 20:41 - United States - Franklin

Today, I was complimented on my freckles. I don't actually have freckles, just a load of blackheads that won't go away. FML

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By -_- - 28/7/2013 22:58 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, I did a photoshoot with my boyfriend and his buddy. We drove out to the countryside and set up on top of a hill. My boyfriend kept having me move further and further back. I eventually fell and rolled down the steep hill, while he and his buddy high-fived each other. FML

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By sad - 5/5/2011 14:40 - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered that my new boyfriend is the type of guy who, when there is a conflict, will just scream "I LOVE YOU" over and over hoping that it will solve itself instead of actually trying to work the problem out. FML

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By whymyroomthough - 6/8/2014 22:18 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up because of a weird noise. Scared, I turned on my bedside lamp. I saw my older, 17-year-old brother peeing in my bedroom doorway. He was hoping I'd step in it in the morning. FML

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By DuckMan - 7/10/2017 23:15

Today, I was at a party when the cops showed up. They asked whether anyone had a gun, but I heard "fun" instead and raised my hand. I got searched. FML

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By Oopsie - 28/7/2015 17:18 - United States - Saint Albans

Today, a revolving door got the better of me. I made it into the crowded lobby, unlike my skirt. Bad day to wear a thong. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2009 04:30 - United States

Today, I went upstairs to scold my boys for running in the house because someone could get hurt. As I turned around to come back downstairs I tripped and fell all the way down to the landing at the bottom. I could hear them laughing in their rooms. FML

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By dontrapeme - 26/9/2012 10:30 - United States

Today, while at the gym, a very large man walked over to me and said, "I like wearing all orange to the gym." Not wanting to be rude, I asked why. He looks me up and down and said, "It reminds me of prison." I think I'm going to be jumped. FML

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By BeachBummer - 21/4/2018 19:00

Today, I’ve been up since 5am getting everything ready for the beach. This is the first nice weekend we’ve had this season. I have a dressed toddler asleep on the couch and grown ass man that refuses to get out of bed. Today it’s 80 degrees. Next weekend is 50 degrees. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/8/2017 20:00

Today, I was told to put away the new toilet paper rolls. I reached in the package only for my hand to get wet, and then noticed the yellow liquid at the bottom. My cat used it as a litter box. At least, I hope it was my cat. FML

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By fattymcbutterpants - 19/6/2011 05:19 - United States

Today, I'm a nanny. After the kids went to bed the dog wouldn't stop barking violently unless I held the end of a blanket for him to hump. I need a raise. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/8/2019 14:00

Today, I was sitting in my room when my dad came in to ask if I wanted the rest of his cake. I'd made it for my cousin's wedding, and spent 2 days preparing it. The wedding is tomorrow. FML

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By MobPerfect - 11/5/2012 13:24 - United States - Providence

Today, I made my friends and family laugh by trying to put on costume glasses with a giant super-sized nose attached to them. They laughed hysterically. Not because of the gigantic nose, but because my real nose was radically bigger and the fake one wouldn't fit over it. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/6/2020 08:08

This is America

Today, I found out a test I need to see if I need surgery on my gallbladder costs more than my pay check, even with insurance. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2012 02:41 - United States

Today, my boyfriend texted me saying he had left a surprise on my driveway. Thinking it was something special, I went outside to look. It was a little bag of mayonnaise packets. FML

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By curlyisnogood - 10/1/2011 00:19

Today, I walked in on my roommate flat-ironing his pubic hair. FML

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Top comments

By Pop_and_Pixels | 0

#540 - Saturday 7 February 2009 21:06

Man, that's rough. But I understand where you're coming from. I have tons of stuff in my purse as well "just in case". Tissues, a miniature magnifying glass, a small first aid kit, a deck of Indiana Jones themed playing cards, a rape whistle, a pocketknife... everything but the kitchen sink. You never know what could happen...

By kile88 | 2

#672753 - Sunday 15 November 2009 14:43

and that's why you put it all in that little zip up compartment that bags come with so that doesn't happen

Comments

By Pop_and_Pixels | 0

#540 - Saturday 7 February 2009 21:06

Man, that's rough. But I understand where you're coming from. I have tons of stuff in my purse as well "just in case". Tissues, a miniature magnifying glass, a small first aid kit, a deck of Indiana Jones themed playing cards, a rape whistle, a pocketknife... everything but the kitchen sink. You never know what could happen...

Reply

EmmyGrangerDC | 0

#1250278 - Monday 16 August 2010 6:10

whoa...

By rulechibippl | 0

#2290 - Sunday 15 February 2009 6:26

Nothing wrong with being prepared.

Reply

HeyHeyFishFillet | 34

#5760476 - Tuesday 19 November 2013 18:33

Too bad she didn't have anything in the purse to save her from embarrassment.

By eve6grl02 | 0

#132994 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 18:06

Maybe he likes a woman who's prepared for anything! =D

By POORLiLSTELA | 0

#159469 - Friday 1 May 2009 13:02

wtf is up with #1.
too damn stereotypical!
as for houdini, i do see how it maybe a lil embarassing *in the fact that you dropped almost everything*
but its nothing bad!
i mean you're prepared
you're careful and safe.
speaks a lot about you.

By kizz_fml | 0

#166792 - Monday 4 May 2009 5:43

omg. sucks to be you!

Reply

drdingus | 27

#4076767 - Thursday 23 February 2012 11:52

It does

By 420bliss | 0

#173150 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 3:37

I have an idea... instead of taking that last week of pills just skip it and keep taking the pills everyday. Voila, no periods.

Reply

lottso88 | 4

#3801503 - Thursday 29 December 2011 5:57

That can really mess you up. Your uterus needs to shed every month, or else you wouldn't even have a period in the first place.

Reply

misslauraselina | 7

#7535304 - Tuesday 29 August 2017 18:36

You can actually skip it most months as long as you have at least 3 periods a year. Your uterus doesn't "need" to shed, and there are no proven negative effects to skipping your period if you do it responsibly and make sure your doctor knows about it.

By sarahlee123 | 0

#213598 - Wednesday 20 May 2009 6:09

ohh my gooodness!
hahahahaha
life sucks.

By greeneggsnsam | 0

#228045 - Monday 25 May 2009 4:56

did he help pick them up for you?

By MetalCraze | 11

#250921 - Monday 1 June 2009 16:12

you carry a spare pair of undewear cause periods may get messy

By rocker8877 | 0

#302405 - Sunday 14 June 2009 1:41

#1 you're a fucking racist