By speechless - Canada

Gummy

Today, I had a toothache and applied some numbing gel to soothe the pain. Too much came out and made my whole mouth numb. A man came into my work, thought I was making fun of his lisp, and stormed out really upset. He later called to complain about me. The boss just called me to his office. FML

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Taking stock

Vulture

Mind your own beeswax

By Anonymous - 28/12/2020 02:01

8 out 10 dentists

Today, after having toothaches for about two years, which persisted even after I had the crack in my tooth repaired, I went to a different dentist and it turns out that the actual culprit is a hole in the neighboring tooth, which has had years to grow, unnoticed under the edge of my gums. FML

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By makeover-needed - United States

Today, I learned how my coworkers differentiate between my coworker and me as we have the same name, when I overheard one of them ask the other, "Which one, ugly Leslie or hot Leslie?" When the answer was "ugly Leslie," he walked straight to me. FML

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By gr8terevil - United States

Today, the men clearing the walkway outside my dorm room, with a snowblower didn't realize that my window was open. I looked over from my computer to see snow shooting in, covering my clock, closet, and radio. And now it's melting. FML

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By CoCo - France

Today, my girlfriend came home with new condoms: Manix Endurance containing a numbing gel designed to help me "last longer". FML

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By thanksbabe - United States

Today, after a week of intense fighting, my girlfriend of 4 years and I hung out. She told me she loved me, and I pointed out that last week she said she was going to dump me. Without missing a beat, she replied, "Only to scare you into submission." FML

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By Lennie Mcfish

We are legion

Today, I'm so lonely that I created multiple fake accounts on different social media platforms, just so I can have people to talk to. FML

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By runsinthefamily - United States - Aurora

Today, my neighbor called the cops on me, claiming I'd threatened him with a gun. Despite zero proof, they took me to the station and gave me hell. I guess what I've learned today is that you should never offend your crazy neighbor by breaking up with his daughter. FML

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By henry feingold - Canada

Today, my girlfriend and I were making out in a motel room. Just before we really got started I noticed that I forgot to close the drapes. Once I got up to close them I saw 3 maids and the manager run away. FML

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By XxEmoWolfiexX - United States - Indianapolis

Today, my cat woke me up, but not by kneading on me though. Instead, she woke me up by pouncing on the laser pointer my dad was shining on my face. FML

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By strangebeans - United States

Today, my parents informed that the man I am going to marry made the newspaper, on page twelve. He is listed as a fugitive and there is a warrant out for his arrest. FML

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By pillowless - United States

Today, I came home to find that my house had been broken into. The items stolen were my PS3, cell phone, laptop, tablets, and for some reason my deodorant and pillowcases as well. FML

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By peaaaak - United Kingdom

Today, my dad came round to the house. Looking rather pleased with himself he pulled out his phone, grinned, and chucked it over to me. I glanced at the screen to see a naked woman. He smiled and said "I tapped that last night". FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my manager gave me hell for leaving the restaurant early yesterday. Guilty as charged, but only because I was rushed to the hospital after going into diabetic shock. This assmunch is convinced that I either faked it all to get off work early, or that I'd been eating our own stock. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found my missing shoe. It hit me as it fell out the tree in our front yard. FML

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By JustWantedToRelax - United States

Today, I took my dogs to the park and sat in the grass while they played. Within the first half hour two male dogs peed on my back. The first owner apologized and gave me a wipe to clean up while the second one had the nerve to tell me "this is why I bring a chair" FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I was rejected from the University of Washington. My dad has been a professor there for 30 years, and is on the board of admissions. FML

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By Wolf - Trinidad and Tobago

Today, while sitting next to me, my boyfriend sends a text to one of his "friends" saying "I'm thinking of you". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss threw a party for everyone in the office who has a birthday in September. Everyone got a cake with their names on it except me. My birthday is today. FML

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By anon - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend referred to his penis as 'The Eye of Sauron'. It didn't help when he pulled down his foreskin, pointed it in my direction and said 'I see you'. FML

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By fuggers :/ - United Kingdom - Basingstoke

Today, my workplace had a big employee photoshoot for an ad campaign. I was there all of 30 seconds before the photographer said, "What the fuck? Look guys, this ain't an ad for facial abortions." He then asked me and another colleague to step out of the shot. FML

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By funyfunkid - United States

Today, I saw a roach on my toilet. I thought it would be funny to pee on it. It jumped out, which scared me; I hit my head on the wall and started bleeding, then I peed all over me and the wall. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a creepy girl from my class wouldn't stop texting me and trying to call me. In order to get her to stop, I texted back saying that I was at my mom's house for a family dinner. She replied, "No you're not. I can see you right now." FML

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By Bill Mantie - 18/4/2021 02:00

Turntables

Today, after months of successfully taking strides to boost my long diminished libido, I found out my girlfriend, who always had a healthy sex drive, has now lost hers. Oh, how the tables have turned. FML

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By - United States - Bedford Hills

Today, my co-workers and I have to fight for our jobs because of a mistake our managers made. They get to keep their jobs. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my father passed away. I called my boss to let him know about the situation. His only response before hanging up: "Shit, dude. Well, I'll see you in the morning, these reports won't write themselves." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered everyone at work refers to me as 'The Man-Lady'. I work in a supermarket's beauty department. FML

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By Brilee Bruxvoort - 25/12/2020 09:58 - United States - West Des Moines

Revenge

Today, after I divorced my husband because of his extreme alcoholism, he's now sober and got his life together and I see the man I fell madly in love with. Apparently, getting better for revenge meant more than getting better for the marriage. FML

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By BrokeCollegeStudent

It's a doggy dog world

Today, I got a call from my mom-in-law saying I have to buy my own food. I took 3 weeks off on unpaid vacation and came out of state to watch my in-laws' house and dog sit while they go out of country. I'm not allowed to touch their food, even the spoiling stuff. My husband doesn't believe me. FML

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By Troy - United States

Today, I filled out a political survey for a psychology experiment. A really cute girl was doing it, too. We hit it off and flirted through the surveys, and I asked her out when it was done. Then I found out it was really an attraction experiment and she was in on it. She was acting. FML

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By Anonymous - Singapore

Today, my boss pretty much told me that I'm too ugly to meet clients, and should stay in the office doing the paperwork. So basically, I'm a modern day Hunchback of Notre Dame. FML

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By Anonymous - Japan

Today, I decided to go for a run to try and work on getting in shape. Nine steps in, I slipped in some slimy moss, almost broke my hip on the pavement and gashed open my elbow. I'll be surprised if I can walk straight in the morning. FML

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By Anonymous

Evil will always win

Today, I tried to suspend a junior accountant for turning up to work late and stoned 3 separate times. Turns out his uncle is a part owner of the business, so the accountant got to smile his smug little grin as I got yelled at for not minding my own business. FML

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By imamess - United States - Rockville

Today, I was going to put some Italian dressing on my salad when I noticed that the oil and vinegar weren't mixed. After putting the cap back on, I shook as hard as I could. The cap came flying off and I showered myself in the dressing. FML

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By Anonymous - Israel - Tel Aviv

Today, while having sex with my girlfriend for the first time, I pushed all the way in. She said, "Stop teasing me, put everything in." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, my Kung Fu-trained father found out that my boyfriend, a Krav Maga student, got me pregnant. Since I'm only 17, my dad got extremely mad. Several broken bones and a few ambulances later, it looks like a Steven Seagal movie happened in my house. FML

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By spartanson

Today, my football coach thought it would be a good idea to get drunk, run to the other sideline, and scream, "WELCOME TO SPARTA, BITCH!" This would've been funny if he weren't also my dad. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was insulted online by a teenager who said that I was probably a fat loser that still lives with their mother and a couple of cats. They were right. FML

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By jemma - Canada

Today, my boyfriend was reading me a love poem he wrote for me. It was beautiful, and going really well until he read the last line, which had a girl's name in it. It wasn't my name. My boyfriend said "shit, wrong girl", and dug through his bag for a different poem. FML

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By CalyenaL - Mexico - Tijuana

Today, I'm found out I'm pregnant. My husband and I spoke at length about how we were going to handle things, which included him "forbidding" me from having an epidural, because he doesn't want our baby to "come out addicted to drugs." FML

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By Anonymous - Italy - Milan

Today, I finally summed up the courage to break up with my abusively controlling girlfriend. I don't know what I was thinking, but instead of leaving as a free man, I left as an engaged one. FML

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Top comments

By caitea | 0

#1641219 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 21:55

Just explain to your boss what actually happened.

By DevianceIsBliss | 0

#1641318 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 22:20

Did you drool on him?

COMMENTS

By caitea | 0

#1641219 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 21:55

Just explain to your boss what actually happened.

Reply

fakeaccountX | 6

#1641232 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 21:56

That weawwy thukth.

Reply

nevaless | 3

#1641491 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 23:34

agree with 17. ydi

Reply

TheRealFamilyGuy | 5

#1641873 - Wednesday 3 November 2010 1:27

Apply more numbing cream to you're ears, that way you won't hear your boss firing you. Reminds me off the time I had to fire anthony hopkins from a restaurant because people were afraid we served cannibal meals.

Reply

imaginaryvoice | 18

#1642507 - Wednesday 3 November 2010 4:41

"Hey, sorry boss. I have a serious tooth ache and the pain is just killing me. So I deci.... Hold on let me post this on Fml first."

Reply

dragonaair | 5

#1642778 - Wednesday 3 November 2010 6:00

17; Most fmls are posted after the events.

Reply

theCamelCaseMan | 0

#1643008 - Wednesday 3 November 2010 7:27

He said that the boss just called him to his office, so that would imply that he was at work while he was posting this.

Reply

PurplePigeon | 0

#1643031 - Wednesday 3 November 2010 7:35

I'm on FML at work right now. it's also 2:30am...

Reply

stfuexe | 0

#1643459 - Wednesday 3 November 2010 10:16

lol 41.

Reply

77taylah33 | 0

#1643765 - Wednesday 3 November 2010 12:03

HAHAHAHHA LOL nice one #41!!!!

Reply

resinnet | 0

#1645236 - Wednesday 3 November 2010 18:47

Hey 50, Antoine Dodson!

Reply

never2late88 | 0

#1656361 - Saturday 6 November 2010 6:11

Ydi for being on fml at work. And when you try and speak to your boss he'll realize that you weren't making fun of the guy

By xWITNESS_xX | 0

#1641220 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 21:55

ooooh... that really sucks! :(

Reply

writergirl69 | 0

#1642492 - Wednesday 3 November 2010 4:33

I would agree, but the wording of this implies that they're on FML at work, meaning they want to be paid for doing nothing, so I'm saying YDI

Reply

TheSnakeDoctor | 0

#1642518 - Wednesday 3 November 2010 4:43

Yeah that sounds like a creamy situation.

By katielove27 | 0

#1641223 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 21:55

Well you shouldn't get in trouble since it's not really your fault

By wwerulez14 | 6

#1641225 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 21:55

Just explain to your boss what happened. Shit happens... Still sucks though... FYL

By RadAtThis01 | 0

#1641227 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 21:55

lmao

By kazoovirtuoso | 0

#1641289 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 22:09

But you're a good employee, even though you posted this on company time while keeping your boss waiting? Dipshit.

Reply

JohnTheIII | 0

#1643246 - Wednesday 3 November 2010 9:20

My thoughts exactly.

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#1641303 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 22:15

I'm sure he'll let you off if he sees that you're talking all herpaderp, and if you explain what happened.
=p

By treasurechest | 0

#1641314 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 22:19

sucks

By DevianceIsBliss | 0

#1641318 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 22:20

Did you drool on him?

By perdix | 29

#1641354 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 22:30

Your boss probably wants to have a good laugh at the whiny, lisping douchebag's expense.

If he's really mad at you, your mouth is numb anyway, so you could fix things without feeling anything . . . except maybe a little prick.