Love: Today, I farted in front of my husband. It somehow turned into...

By Susan - 28/02/2012 11:55 - Canada

Today, I farted in front of my husband. It somehow turned into a farting war. Then I realized this is the closest we've come to intimacy in a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 897

You deserved it 6 809

Love

Vulture

Triage

Noise annoys

By KilledTheMoment - 23/11/2014 06:10 - United States - Mundelein

Today, I spent nearly an hour helping a customer pick out an engagement ring. I rang him up, picked out a super cute box for the ring, and wished him luck. Later I realized I never put the ring inside the box. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 999

You deserved it 17 793

By Anonymous - 25/12/2009 06:30 - Canada

Today, I invited my boss and his family over for dinner. As usual, I bought his kids Christmas' presents, nothing too fancy though. This year, he had one more that wasn't here last year. So I just pulled something from under the tree to hand him. He opened it on the spot. It was my son's PS3. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 980

You deserved it 52 105

By Earths_Venus - 25/12/2009 06:28 - Australia

Today, I sat for 3 hours at my boyfriend's Christmas celebrations. He has 22 cousins. They open presents one at a time. In silence. I got nothing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 215

You deserved it 3 472

By Laura - 20/03/2012 22:27 - United Kingdom - Girvan

Today, I was at a concert and a man came up behind and started to grind me. I pushed him away. He came back and pissed on my leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 746

You deserved it 3 675

By moshgra - 29/11/2010 00:41

Today, I went in to work to check my new schedule for the week. I searched up and down and didn't see my name listed. After talking to my manager, he decided it would be easier to "release" me than remake a new schedule. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 951

You deserved it 2 159

Thanks, I hate it

By PiMan - 19/01/2010 19:20 - United States

Today, after spending four days having my resume, cover letter, and references proofread and perfected by professionals, I finally submitted it all to the summer internship of my dreams. I received a rejection letter ten minutes later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 070

You deserved it 3 098

By Username - 08/07/2011 20:02 - United States

Today, I noticed a woman struggling to work a parking meter, so I went over to help. She took one look at me before screaming, hitting me in the face, and running back to her car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 134

You deserved it 3 601

By firsttimer69 - 20/03/2009 06:11 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex. I was a virgin and he wasn't. About 30 seconds in he collapsed on me. I thought he was joking around and I started laughing. He wasn't joking. He was done. FML

I agree, your life sucks 151 360

You deserved it 15 134

By Lace - 23/08/2010 04:17 - United States

Today, my husband just told me that he no longer loves me but keeps me around to handle his finances. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 057

You deserved it 3 741

By neighbor - 26/01/2014 13:08 - Australia - Mosman

Today, I was helping my elderly neighbor carry her groceries into her kitchen. When I finished, she sighed and said, "You're such a sweet girl. It's just a shame about your face." FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 821

You deserved it 4 001

By bilol - 27/02/2009 01:42 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend that I'd be going on a trip to Europe. I assured him that I would never cheat on him with any European guys. He replied with, "Why would I be worried? You're not very pretty." FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 859

You deserved it 6 883

By Anonymous - 07/10/2012 05:03 - Australia - Perth

Today, I was sitting on a rather small, uncomfortable bean bag while my friend was sitting on a nice chair. She asked if I wanted to switch seats, not so I could be more comfortable, but because she thought I was too fat and that I would burst the bean bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 242

You deserved it 5 074

Business savvy

By Anonymous - 21/05/2020 17:00

Today, my nephew, who I was assured had previous experience, was closing jobs down on the computer after dealing with the customers on the phone without processing the payment for any of their orders. He’s been working for me for weeks. God knows how much money I’ve lost. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 668

You deserved it 424

By Nate - 31/03/2011 15:54 - United States

Today, I was in church. After we were done praying, I quickly sat back down, accidentally crushing my testicles in the process. I squealed loudly and all but pissed my pants, earning me plenty of weird looks from the congregation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 565

You deserved it 24 887

By GladYoureConcerned - 30/12/2014 18:15 - United States - Glendale

Today, after we had sex, my boyfriend told me how my orgasms used to make him think I was having a seizure. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 555

You deserved it 4 236

By yesguysgetabusedtoo - 24/05/2013 23:42 - New Zealand - Papamoa

Today, my girlfriend had someone else dump me via text message. I knew it wasn't her because for once I wasn't being viciously insulted, and it wasn't written as if an illiterate baboon had taken a shit all over her keypad. I can't even feel happy about being rid of her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 429

You deserved it 6 901

By Worky Workerton - 22/09/2016 17:14 - United States - Oakland

Today, I was fired without warning from my job because I was not consulting my boss about things like washing dishes and throwing away garbage. Basically, I was fired for being too good at my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 720

You deserved it 845

By Anonymous - 05/02/2010 06:25 - United States

Today, one of my friends pointed out I'm starting to get a mustache! - "You're finally a man!" To bad it's my 15th birthday, and I'm a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 121

You deserved it 3 563

By Anonymous - 15/08/2013 17:39 - Spain - Mon?var

Today, I slipped and fell down the stairs, landing hard on my knee. Through my screams of agony, my mom accused me of exaggerating the pain, and said I was just being an attention seeker, before finally taking me to hospital. I was told my leg was broken. She refused to apologize. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 864

You deserved it 3 433

Waxing pubical

By Anonymous - 10/10/2019 16:00

Today, I was waxing my legs and somehow dropped an enormous dollop of hot wax on my naked crotch. I refused to yank it off, but still had to cut it off with scissors. So now I have a huge patch of pubic hair way shorter than the rest of it. It looks a right mess FML

I agree, your life sucks 966

You deserved it 931

Hott

By disturbedgd - 03/04/2017 20:00 - South Africa - Durban

Today, I had my first steamy wet dream. It involved the Power Rangers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 071

You deserved it 1 058

By Madokami - 30/01/2017 11:37 - United States - Kingston

Today, a customer became irrationally angry and called me a "stupid bitch", all because she couldn't use the coupon clearly marked "30% off grocery items" on a prescription from our pharmacy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 687

You deserved it 408

By thjeltz - 27/10/2010 18:48 - Canada

Today, I was showering at hockey practice. It would have been business as usual, if not for one of my teammates playing with his junk and not-so-subtly asked me to connect. There are 5 more months of hockey. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 865

You deserved it 3 053

By Panda Man - 29/11/2018 08:30 - United States - Seattle

Today, I had a meeting with my girlfriend, who I live with and work with but on different teams. Both our teams got laid off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 875

You deserved it 127

By Embarassed - 15/03/2011 19:29 - United States

Today, while at a school anti-drugs assembly, the speaker asked everyone to stand up if they knew someone who had died of an overdose. As I stood up, my friend hit me in the side, making me laugh. I stood frozen under accusing glares while the speaker bitched me out for a good 5 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 342

You deserved it 12 715

Things that go bump in the… parking lot

By Lousydriver - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I was about to drive out of a parking lot. The space in front of me was empty, so I figured I could drive forward. I hadn't noticed that there was a median in front, and my car got stuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 385

You deserved it 31 869

Banished

By NicoleNoone - 01/08/2020 05:01

Today, my older sister told me about their table plan at their wedding. She is one of my best friends too, so I was shocked that I had been placed far away, and separated from my husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 553

You deserved it 131

By 4_and_20_blackbits - 26/08/2013 08:38 - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, while baking, I was joined by my roommate who doesn't really cook. I was making a batch of dough and she volunteered to help. After showing her how to knead, she really got into it. Afterwards, I asked why she wanted to help. "It really cleans my nails", she said. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 332

You deserved it 3 964

By quickfingers100 - 22/05/2011 09:31 - United Kingdom

Today, my Dad married his fiancée, who insists I call her "mom". I'm three years older than her, and went to the same high school. She's taking me shopping next week to buy me something "nice". FML

I agree, your life sucks 80 285

You deserved it 4 227

By PineapplePizza - 15/08/2016 07:41 - United States - Irwin

Today, I should be starting my last year of college next week. But no. My old advisor messed up my schedule so badly that there's no way I'll graduate for another year. So I'll be in school five years for a four year program because as a freshman I thought my advisor was helping me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 775

You deserved it 1 364

By Anonymous - 05/07/2011 04:30 - United States

Today, my neighbor and I learned why fireworks are illegal in city limits. This lesson was learned shortly after a roman candle came crashing through my second story window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 194

You deserved it 8 030

By Anonymous - 20/06/2013 02:23 - United States - Kansas City

Today, my boyfriend of 2 months got upset and frustrated with me because he had yet to meet my mom. I'd told him on our first date that she passed away 4 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 612

You deserved it 3 601

By Chocolaty - 22/07/2016 00:48 - Australia - Geelong

Today, I spiced things up by lying on the bed and pouring melted white chocolate on myself. I called out to my fiancé to come in. He was 'checking' his favourite scene in Batman vs Superman and couldn't hear me. I was stuck unable to move for ten minutes until he finally heard me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 540

You deserved it 4 380

By Shiva - 18/03/2014 08:46 - France - Niort

Today, I decided to clean my apartment from top to bottom. Once I was done, I looked over at my puppy, who then woke up, stretched, got out of his basket and started to pee. I shouted, "No!" Scared, he then ran all over the place, still peeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 385

You deserved it 9 408

By cocacola999 - 03/05/2014 10:38 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at a party. Trying to overcome my social anxiety, I was trying to take part in conversations. So, when a girl mentioned she had a doctor's appointment next morning, I blurted out: "What kind of a doctor?" Everyone stared as she responded: "A gynaecologist." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 668

You deserved it 7 749

Congratulations. Or not.

By Anonymous - 24/10/2019 14:03

Today, I was told that I will be a father in 2 months. I had a one night stand about 7 months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 742

You deserved it 1 995

By lonely - 31/07/2019 02:00

Today, not only can I not get a real boyfriend, I can't even get one on the Sims. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 404

You deserved it 271

By Noname - 30/10/2008 05:55 - France

Today, I've just lost over £12,000 and it's not even halfway through the trading day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 994

You deserved it 8 713

By Anonymous - 31/05/2016 16:11 - United States - Tyrone

Today, my dad asked my brother not to use his shaver so late at night. That wasn't him, and it wasn't his shaver either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 523

You deserved it 3 267

By Anonymous - 06/04/2014 19:37

Today, I witnessed my psycho neighbor put her cat in a cage, cross into my backyard, and set the cage down before returning to her house. She then called the cops and claimed I'd stolen her cat. The cops didn't believe my side of the story for a second. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 705

You deserved it 3 497

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silentblack 0

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Tuesday 28 February 2012 16:02

Who stunk out who?

DocBastard 38

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Tuesday 28 February 2012 16:11

OMG no sex in a whole week??! How do you survive??? No but seriously, it's not very surprising how a funny moment can quickly and easily turn into an intimate moment. Laugh more with your partner, and you'll find you have a lot more sex.

silentblack 0

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Tuesday 28 February 2012 16:02

Who stunk out who?

Jakesterk96 8

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Tuesday 28 February 2012 16:09

Nobody wins in a farting war. Nobody.

incognito1520 20

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Tuesday 28 February 2012 16:12

#11 that's why crop dusting is better than engaging in a war.

n_epic_fail 14

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Tuesday 28 February 2012 16:48

Eproctophilia?

CanWeMicrowaveIt 11

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Tuesday 28 February 2012 17:34

December 6th, 2011: They are everywhere, I'm beginning to hallucinate from the gasses they excrete. We've been waiting for backup and ammunition. I'm beginning to think help will never come. If anyone finds this, please, tell my wife that her bean casserole let me last this long.

shanemaximo 7

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Tuesday 28 February 2012 17:55

#14 Ah, guerrilla tactics. That's how you win wars.

nava1210 12

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Tuesday 28 February 2012 19:07

11 - I win all the time..TRY ME!

48Connor 10

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Tuesday 28 February 2012 23:24

Holy shit. You haven't had intimacy in 1 week? I FEEL SO BAD FOR YOU

chevy44448888 1

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Wednesday 29 February 2012 8:32

11 I wouldn't be to sure bout that......till one craps his pants....WIN

swampbilly 5

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Wednesday 29 February 2012 16:53

#37 lmfao bro that was hilarious

greenmen 12

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Tuesday 28 February 2012 16:02

Man you have some serious issues. Farting is nothing close to intimacy. Maybe try some sexy clothes will help!

itis409 14

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Tuesday 28 February 2012 19:46

Agreed! This is absolutely disgusting.

bigdog57_fml 9

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Tuesday 28 February 2012 23:13

So is your picture^^

Sway_NV 7

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Tuesday 28 February 2012 16:02

I've seen this same story over and over again. =

Schizomaniac 24

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Tuesday 28 February 2012 16:06

Really? Can you provide a link?

emba_fml 13

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Tuesday 28 February 2012 16:02

At least you're having fun?

kejones 0

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Wednesday 29 February 2012 3:13

Lol

mackdeezy 21

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Tuesday 28 February 2012 16:04

too true

feldco1 17

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Tuesday 28 February 2012 16:04

Hey, better than nothing, right?

Musicholic_asey 1

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Tuesday 28 February 2012 16:05

Remember to leave your windows open.

S0CCERSTAR01 2

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Tuesday 28 February 2012 16:09

1, 2, 3, 4, I declare a fart war!

Jakesterk96 8

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Tuesday 28 February 2012 16:13

5, 6, 7, 8, prepare for my flatulate!

flapdoodle 2

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Tuesday 28 February 2012 21:07

9, 10, 11, 12 watch out for the nasty smell!

DynamicDave 11

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Tuesday 28 February 2012 21:18

13, 14, 15, 16... ...Ah, crap, I got nothing. This stinks.

manatees_r_epic 0

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Tuesday 28 February 2012 23:04

17, 18, 19, 20! My comment isn't punny!

Metal_Chick 15

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Wednesday 29 February 2012 6:21

21, 22, 23, 24 You know who killed it? 74!

MisterDoctor 12

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Wednesday 29 February 2012 9:01

25, 26, 27, 28, that's something I'd appreciate!

DynamicDave 11

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Wednesday 29 February 2012 9:21

29, 30, 31, 32, Why does this thread smell like poo?

Havin 19

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Tuesday 28 February 2012 16:11

Methane assassination

valdezadair 0

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Tuesday 28 February 2012 21:07

At first, I thought your picture was Twilight. But it's not. Hopefully. Have nice day -.-

Havin 19

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Tuesday 28 February 2012 23:39

Lol God no! It's me & my favourite model XD. Edward can go jump.

DocBastard 38

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Tuesday 28 February 2012 16:11

Fmeonce_shameonu 15

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Tuesday 28 February 2012 16:35

Thanks Dr. Phil

raney150 0

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Tuesday 28 February 2012 18:03

I like your first sentence. A week isn't that long of a time to not have sex. If it were a few months, I could sympathize.

Fmeonce_shameonu 15

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Tuesday 28 February 2012 18:57

29. True that. Thanks Oprah in that case?

Nearly

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24

You deserved it 7

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34

You deserved it 9

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 245

You deserved it 59

Today, my wife announced she wants to incorporate a saddle into our lovemaking. This might be fine, except she wants me to wear an actual 30-pound saddle, and I have bad knees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 601

You deserved it 79

Thanks, I hate it

Business savvy

Waxing pubical

Hott

Things that go bump in the… parking lot

Banished

Congratulations. Or not.

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