Miscellaneous: Today, I waited anxiously until midnight to open my Christmas... - FML

By iFail - United States

Today, I waited anxiously until midnight to open my Christmas presents. As the clock struck midnight, I ran out into the living room, super-excited to open them, only to discover that everyone in our house had already opened theirs, and had all gone to bed. FML

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Sorry…

Instadrama

All in the family

By jina - Korea Republic of

Today, the phone kept ringing but there was only silence on the other line. The third time I yelled, "What the fuck is your F*ing problem asshole!? Get a life shithead!" and hung up. Then the pastor's wife called and explained that she mistakingly set her phone on mute. FML

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By destiny147 - United Kingdom

Today, I posted a picture of my boyfriend and I kissing on facebook. He untagged himself. FML

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By RyanM - Canada

Today, I realized how out of shape I am, when I couldn't finish masturbating because I ran out of breath. FML

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By Zapped - United States

Today, I learned that, since getting my tongue ring, it has become imprudent to test 9-volt batteries with my tongue. FML

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By chipmunk - United States

Today, my boyfriend of seven years dumped me because he said my cheeks getting way too fat for his taste and he didn't want to be with a chipmunk. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Barnhart

Today, I woke up screaming like a little bitch. I'd been having a bizarre dream where I was having sex with Homer Simpson, when he suddenly had a heart attack and fell on me, crushing me to death. I think my brain needs a douching. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it's our third anniversary. After a candlelit dinner and a midnight boat ride, my wife turned down sex, because "it's too cliché." FML

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By kfenton - United States

Today, I found out that guys will only flirt with me when they're drunk, and even then only when they realize that my best friend is out of their league. FML

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By lbelle - Canada - Montreal

Today, my right ear drum ruptured. My family doesn't understand that I only lost hearing in one ear and continues to talk about me behind my back, thinking I can't hear them. FML

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By Holy Testacles - United States

Today, a cute girl sitting next to me asked if she could use my phone. As I handed it to her, I attempted to use the expression "knock yourself out," but for a reason I can still not fathom, it came out as "kill yourself." FML

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By Anonymous

Duchamp would be proud

Today, my five year-old niece thought that it would be acceptable to carve her artwork all over our toilet seat. FML

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By paula.isabel

Today, I was in a car crash. While I was being immobilised by the paramedics to be taken to the nearest hospital, the passenger of the other car, who didn't have a single scratch, touched my shoulder and said, "It doesn't matter, nobody got hurt." FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden

Today, I saw a girl on the subway that I knew so I started waving frantically. She gave me a really weird expression and moved quickly away from me. Then I realised that I only knew her because I had stalked her Facebook once. FML

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By Crushed

Today, I finally got past my anxiety and confessed my feelings to the guy I like and have been intimate with. He responded that he just still wants to be close friends with me and still bang me monogamously but with no relationship... FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was telling my friend about how my boyfriend never does anything nice for me. Confused, she replied, "That's odd, he's always doing nice things for me." FML

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By ugh - United States

Today, at the rescue group I volunteer at, we finally adopted out a dog that has been with us for a few years now. This was an amazing thing for us because we never thought he'd get adopted. As we were getting excited and hugging each other, the dog ran away. FML

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By eakthegeek - United States

Today, I was sexing it up with my boyfriend. Halfway through, he looked at me and said, "Y'know what you never see in a porno? Intellectual conversation. Read any good books lately?" He wouldn't keep going until I answered. FML

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By tawan - United Kingdom

Today, I set off a fire alarm in school. I was taken to the head teacher's office, where he said that though he was shocked at my behavior, it was nice to see me being more like regular students and trying to fit in, instead of isolating myself as usual. I was shoved into the fire alarm by bullies. FML

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By not a kiddy fiddler really - United States - San Francisco

Today, at my daughter's wedding celebration, I was doing a Michael Jackson act with a few buddies. It went well until I did the crotch-grab. I yanked my balls too hard and fell to the floor, writhing in agony in front of nearly 70 guests. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I saw my crush at the grocery store. He saw me and started walking towards me. I got so excited that I farted when he came near. FML

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By JazzyandAlice - United States

Today, I went to babysit eight kids under the age of ten, all by myself. After five hours of Hell, the parents finally came back from the ASU game. I got paid $5. FML

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By convict possibly

Today, I got to try on a stunning suit that made me the handsomest man in the world. Upcoming prom? No. Wedding? No. I attended a date... A court date. FML

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By hey-o - United States

Today, I went to the hair salon to cut 6 in. off my hair. When I got there I decided to get my upper lip waxed for the first time. When my boyfriend came to pick me up for our date I asked if he noticed anything different about me, the first thing he said was "I see you got rid of you mustache." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up next to my best friend after lots of drinking and the best sex I've ever had in my life. The only problem is we're both straight males. FML

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By ouch - United States

Today, I was volunteering at a nursing home. As a volunteer, I'm not supposed to accept any money or gifts from any of the residents. However, one elderly woman kept insisting I take her gold watch. After politely refusing for the fifth time, she decided to chuck it at my face. FML

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By Ouch - United States

Today, I thought it would be sexy to cook dinner in lingerie. Today, my boyfriend thought it would be funny to scare me while I was cooking. I jumped and burned my boobs with boiling cooking oil. FML

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By depr3ssed - United States

Today, I realized what all the women I've been with have in common: Craigslist. FML

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By thanksmom - United States

Today, my mom paid $40 for overnight shipping on delivery of paint for my Art major dropout sister, but insists on making me wait two weeks for my diabetes medication. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hobart

Today, while mowing the lawn, I was attacked by an underground hornet nest. I now have many stings, two scared dogs, and a mower still running outside. The hornets are swarming it and some are sitting on the lever, as if to turn it off. It's like they know. FML

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By Jake - United States - Albany

Today, I woke up, thinking it was going to be a good day. However, when I looked at my phone, I saw that my girlfriend had sent me an obscene number of angry messages, which are still coming in, because I forgot to say goodnight to her last night. FML

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By Raiders4ever - United States

Today, I saw my son. I didn't know I had a son. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was on Facebook, looking at pictures from a party I went to. In most of them, I was sitting on the sofa, my shorts bunched to the side, with half my vajayjay on show. FML

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By snoooore - United Kingdom - Gloucester

Today, I discovered I have narcolepsy. During a driving test. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mount Laurel

Today, I went on a blind date at a restaurant. My date took one look at me and said pityingly, "Stuffed your bra, didn't ya? Seriously, why even bother?" The douche then started trying to lecture me on "false advertising". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to let in my new German Shepherd puppy inside to show the guest how adorable he is. In the middle of our conversation, he came running up to us with my vibrator in his mouth. FML

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By PlayboyBunny - United States

Today, the sweetest thing my boyfriend ever told me was that I'd make a good porn star. FML

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By ProtoBird - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, I got hit so hard in the head by a dodgeball that a contact popped right out. To make matters worse, I continued to get hit as a futilely searched for it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Albuquerque

Today, at a family reunion, my grandpa loudly said that I look like "a cheap Vegas whore" because of my heavy purple eye-shadow. I could tell that a few other people agreed. I was too embarrassed to explain that the "eye-shadow" was just dark circles. FML

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By Sally - United States

Today, my roommate came home and began changing clothes in the same room that my boyfriend and I were in. I quickly got annoyed and angry and when I began questioning her about it she just laughed while saying, "Oh relax, it's not like he's never seen me naked before." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Freeport

Today, I was singing while driving through the car park. I blacked out trying to hit a high note, and ended up bashing into another car. FML

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Top comments

By MagneticGuitar | 0

#735942 - Friday 25 December 2009 13:27

Meg Griffin, is that you?

By darkblue_13 | 0

#735999 - Friday 25 December 2009 15:26

is there no communication in your house? don't you open presents together? why would you open presents at midnight by yourself?

COMMENTS

By flashback.miss | 28

#735897 - Friday 25 December 2009 12:11

the early bird catches the worm, and you got the bird...

Reply

bobmandude | 0

#973667 - Saturday 3 April 2010 18:28

Wow your siblings/parents Suck balls.

Reply

My2864 | 1

#1070923 - Wednesday 7 July 2010 16:02

i dont get the american obsession with christmass
i personally hate christmass and only open the presents cause its a fun celebration with family..
how can they be so selfish to not even wake you up...

By Playdate | 0

#735907 - Friday 25 December 2009 12:20

Oh man! That sucks!! I'm sorry you live with such lame people :(

By lickmyjock | 0

#735913 - Friday 25 December 2009 12:23

LOL! Nice. At least you aren't still at work like I am.

By Lolitia | 4

#735937 - Friday 25 December 2009 13:10

-hugs- I'm sorry, that sucks,

By MagneticGuitar | 0

#735942 - Friday 25 December 2009 13:27

Meg Griffin, is that you?

Reply

TheUnnamedOne | 0

#736002 - Friday 25 December 2009 15:41

LOL

Reply

lindsaylikeomg | 0

#740672 - Monday 28 December 2009 14:21

OMG LMFAO!!!!!!!!

Reply

gottobeme123 | 4

#3809571 - Saturday 31 December 2011 5:52

Omg I almost died when I read this!!!!

By newsgit | 0

#735956 - Friday 25 December 2009 14:09

fuck with their presents as payback.

By RufusCade | 7

#735970 - Friday 25 December 2009 14:31

WTF? Why don't you open your presents together? That just shows that getting presents at x-man is all about getting, not giving. So f-cking selfish of you and your family! YDI

Reply

mugglewump | 0

#736120 - Friday 25 December 2009 17:24

Lol "x-man" :)

Reply

Stevo7749 | 0

#740281 - Monday 28 December 2009 7:43

yee x-man

Reply

xsuicidal_memori | 0

#973896 - Sunday 4 April 2010 7:45

heehee x-man :)

Reply

blondie2476 | 9

#5392668 - Monday 4 March 2013 17:09

I'm assuming op meant that they usually open presents all together, but this year her family didn't tell her they were opening presents before midnight, so it's not necessarily their fault

Reply

pinkster2014 | 25

#6409022 - Saturday 12 September 2015 21:07

*x-mas lol

Reply

PuppiesKisses | 15

#6553096 - Sunday 6 March 2016 1:58

Yeah, screw people who like opening presents on Christmas. We're all horrible people who deserve to have shitty stuff happen to us.

That or you're an idiotic jerk. One of the two.

By wolfpackchick10 | 0

#735986 - Friday 25 December 2009 15:01

Why would your family do that and not come & get you? That just doesn't really make any sense...I'm finding it a little hard to believe. But perhaps you just have an asshole family.

By darkblue_13 | 0

#735999 - Friday 25 December 2009 15:26

is there no communication in your house? don't you open presents together? why would you open presents at midnight by yourself?

By 1goodthing | 0

#736006 - Friday 25 December 2009 15:45

YDI for not spending christmaseve together obviously