Miscellaneous: Today, I waited anxiously until midnight to open my Christmas... - FML

By iFail - United States

Today, I waited anxiously until midnight to open my Christmas presents. As the clock struck midnight, I ran out into the living room, super-excited to open them, only to discover that everyone in our house had already opened theirs, and had all gone to bed. FML

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And today, on Dr Phil…

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

People are strange

By meow - United States

Today, I put a picture of my cat on Facebook. A stranger sent me a message saying how "attractive" she was and that her eyes are "very seductive". So, basically, someone is trying to hit on my cat. FML

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By ApparentlyBadDriver - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, I got into a fight with my parents when they called me a bad driver. Imagine their smugness when I had to call them two hours later and tell them that I drove into a pole. FML

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By StephiLynn - United States - Hibbing

Today, my coworker told me when we got to work that she purposely left her phone at home. I then had to suffer 8 hours of listening to her constantly whine like a toddler about how much she missed her phone. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I used a fire extinguisher for the first time. Too bad it was on my car. FML

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By Nutty

Today, I finally spent the night with a new guy after recently ending a 3-year toxic relationship. The new guy disappeared for 2 hours in the middle of the night, then came back to bed. Turns out he was busy snogging my housemate. I really choose them well. FML

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By mortifiedgrandchild - United States

Today, I came across a picture of my grandpa taking a hit off a bong, while wearing nothing but a Playboy shirt. FML

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By Judy - United States - Altoona

Today, I was called into my 17-year-old son's high school. Why? Because it was Wednesday, also known as "Hump Day" and his friends managed to convince him that you're supposed to go around and hump people. FML

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By Devil's Pigeon

Today, on vacation, I had my first encounter with a macaw parrot, who promptly bit my ear and shat on me while amused tourists laughed and took pictures. FML

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By missgayle319 - United States

Today, I decided to finally try out the veggie slicer I bought a few months ago to make healthy homemade potato chips. Along with the sliced potatoes, I am now missing about a quarter inch chunk of skin from the side of my hand and quite a bit of blood. At least the chips were good. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Ridgewood

Today, I saw a homeless man on the street and decided to give him the dollar bill I had left in my wallet. He said "Thank you" then as I turned to walk away, he muttered "Cheap-ass cunt". FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got a call from my 14-year-old step-daughter while I was out. She'd left nail polish in her pocket when she'd tried to wash the clothes. I now have hot pink streaks on most of my work clothes. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Calgary

Today, I discovered that one of our cats is super creepy. He humps the blankets on my mother's bed while staring at her while she's sleeping. FML

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By Mdrk783 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with a co-worker who I really liked. One thing led to another and we ended up going to her house and hooked up. Once we'd finished, I noticed another co-workers ID on the floor by her bed. I asked her about it and she said he must have dropped it there last night. FML

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By awkwardaf3 - United States - Bel Air

Today, as I squatted down to get a snack, my pajama pants ripped wide open. I guess the universe is try to tell me something. FML

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By MovingOut - Saint Vincent and the Grenadines

Today, my parents grounded me because I refused to do my little sister's homework for her. FML

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By McKenna - United States

Today, I was sending my boyfriend dirty texts to try and turn him on so when I see him the next day he will want to get intimate. Twenty minutes later he texts back, "ew stop." FML

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By allergies - United States - New York

Today, I sneezed while my ID photo was being taken. I look like a total moron in it. The photographer refused to retake the photo because I "clearly" faked the sneeze just to be funny. FML

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By Just Set Me On Fire

Nope.

Today, while at work, I felt what I thought was a ball of lint on the back of my neck. I reached back and grabbed it only to end up holding the biggest wolf spider I've ever seen. FML

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By Anonymous

Venus in Furs

Today, my boyfriend asked my dad why he gave me the nickname "Bear," which he has called me since I was very little. My dad responded, "Because she has a hairy back." FML

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By craigtm029429 - United States

Today, while waiting tables, I watched a woman pull the bacon off her roast beef melt and eat it. She then called me over and spent several minutes complaining about the our chefs' inadequacy because they didn't put bacon on her sandwich. FML

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By gdog10122 - United States

Today, I found out that my dad, thinking it was an advertisement, threw away a letter from the college I applied to. FML

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By TheMichaelNixon - United States

Today, I saw a grasshopper in the urinal so I decided to pee on it. It jumped out, scared the hell out of me, and I peed all over myself. FML

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By caitiexob - United States

Today, I found a note in my locker from a really hot guy asking me to prom. I went up to him saying how excited I was to go. He said "Oh you got the note?" and slipped it into the locker next to me. FML

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By Fuck irony - United States - Binghamton

Today, I was volunteering at a soup kitchen and was advised to leave my wallet and cell phone in my car so they wouldn’t be stolen. Someone broke into my car and stole them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cuyahoga Falls

Today, I mixed up my chapstick and cork grease. Now my clarinet smells like cherries, and my lips smell like a gym floor. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after sleeping with a guy I met at a party, I woke up to find him peeing in the corner of my room on my roommate's carpet. FML

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By johnboy - United States

Today, I went for a run. When I got home, no one was there so I took off my clothes and laid on the cool wood floor. I decided to call my girlfriend and we started talking in baby voices. That's when my mom walked into the house witnessing everything. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after 20 years together and 9 years of marriage, I found out that my husband has been having an affair with my cousin for 6 years. The same cousin who came over every Friday. Who he wanted to be godmother to our 3 kids. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/11/2020 23:03 - France

Shut down

Today, I finished an exam in physics class. It counts for 40% of our grade. As I handed my paper in to my teacher, she said to the whole class while talking about me, "You did this wrong; this isn't how you do it." FML

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By cathugger

Today, I decided to confess my feelings and perform a love song I'd written for my crush during an open mic night. He was there - he also took the opportunity to declare his love to his on-off girlfriend, get down on one knee and propose to her. She said yes. FML

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By U_U - United States

Today, my husband confessed his pregnancy fetish to me, and now wants me to wear a fake belly when we have sex. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after a year of diet and rigorous exercise, I've still gained weight. Confused, I went to my doctor. Apparently I have a thyroid condition he forgot to mention, and therefore haven't been on medication for, thus causing weight gain. FML

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By sarah_sad - United States

Today, I went to the gym with two of my friends expecting to pay a guest fee but the cute guy working at the front desk let me in for free. On the way out after working out I started to flirt with him and he said "Don't flatter yourself, I just let you in because I'm lazy." FML

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By limeychefboy

Today, I was on my motorbike 200km from home in the middle of nowhere when I needed to poop, so I found a wooded area and did my thing. As I was climbing back up, I knocked my helmet from its perch and watched it roll right into what I’d just left. FML

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By Manly Sneeze

Today, I would like to say I pinched a nerve throwing punches, but no, I did it by sneezing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was released from jail. I had helped a three year old girl get up after falling on a wet floor at the mall last night when the security guards tasered me. Only this morning did they tell me they had mistaken me for a child molester that looks a little bit like me. FML

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By SadMother - United States - South Windsor

Today, I overheard my daughter talking to her boyfriend over the phone about having sex. She said, "You have to piss on me to get me pregnant, that's what I heard anyway." She's 16. FML

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By 50sStyle - United States - Hartland

Today, during lunch, I choked on my food and possibly came close to death when my boyfriend's best friend performed the Heimlich Maneuver on me, potentially saving my life. My boyfriend then started arguing with me over letting his best friend touch my stomach. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland

Today, I've had my tenth "Christmas" dinner since Christmas last took place. My mum has gone nuts and keeps playing Christmas music, making these dinners, and refusing to let me take down the Christmas decorations. My dad is too whipped to save us from this hell. FML

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By Screwed in Seattle - United States

Today, I woke up with a migrane, so I took one of my prescription migrane pills to get me through my day. The pill made me dizzy and nauseous, so I took a motion-sickness pill. That pill gave me a migrane. FML

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Top comments

By MagneticGuitar | 0

#735942 - Friday 25 December 2009 13:27

Meg Griffin, is that you?

By darkblue_13 | 0

#735999 - Friday 25 December 2009 15:26

is there no communication in your house? don't you open presents together? why would you open presents at midnight by yourself?

COMMENTS

By flashback.miss | 28

#735897 - Friday 25 December 2009 12:11

the early bird catches the worm, and you got the bird...

Reply

bobmandude | 0

#973667 - Saturday 3 April 2010 18:28

Wow your siblings/parents Suck balls.

Reply

My2864 | 1

#1070923 - Wednesday 7 July 2010 16:02

i dont get the american obsession with christmass
i personally hate christmass and only open the presents cause its a fun celebration with family..
how can they be so selfish to not even wake you up...

By Playdate | 0

#735907 - Friday 25 December 2009 12:20

Oh man! That sucks!! I'm sorry you live with such lame people :(

By lickmyjock | 0

#735913 - Friday 25 December 2009 12:23

LOL! Nice. At least you aren't still at work like I am.

By Lolitia | 4

#735937 - Friday 25 December 2009 13:10

-hugs- I'm sorry, that sucks,

By MagneticGuitar | 0

#735942 - Friday 25 December 2009 13:27

Meg Griffin, is that you?

Reply

TheUnnamedOne | 0

#736002 - Friday 25 December 2009 15:41

LOL

Reply

lindsaylikeomg | 0

#740672 - Monday 28 December 2009 14:21

OMG LMFAO!!!!!!!!

Reply

gottobeme123 | 4

#3809571 - Saturday 31 December 2011 5:52

Omg I almost died when I read this!!!!

By newsgit | 0

#735956 - Friday 25 December 2009 14:09

fuck with their presents as payback.

By RufusCade | 7

#735970 - Friday 25 December 2009 14:31

WTF? Why don't you open your presents together? That just shows that getting presents at x-man is all about getting, not giving. So f-cking selfish of you and your family! YDI

Reply

mugglewump | 0

#736120 - Friday 25 December 2009 17:24

Lol "x-man" :)

Reply

Stevo7749 | 0

#740281 - Monday 28 December 2009 7:43

yee x-man

Reply

xsuicidal_memori | 0

#973896 - Sunday 4 April 2010 7:45

heehee x-man :)

Reply

blondie2476 | 9

#5392668 - Monday 4 March 2013 17:09

I'm assuming op meant that they usually open presents all together, but this year her family didn't tell her they were opening presents before midnight, so it's not necessarily their fault

Reply

pinkster2014 | 25

#6409022 - Saturday 12 September 2015 21:07

*x-mas lol

Reply

PuppiesKisses | 15

#6553096 - Sunday 6 March 2016 1:58

Yeah, screw people who like opening presents on Christmas. We're all horrible people who deserve to have shitty stuff happen to us.

That or you're an idiotic jerk. One of the two.

By wolfpackchick10 | 0

#735986 - Friday 25 December 2009 15:01

Why would your family do that and not come & get you? That just doesn't really make any sense...I'm finding it a little hard to believe. But perhaps you just have an asshole family.

By darkblue_13 | 0

#735999 - Friday 25 December 2009 15:26

is there no communication in your house? don't you open presents together? why would you open presents at midnight by yourself?

By 1goodthing | 0

#736006 - Friday 25 December 2009 15:45

YDI for not spending christmaseve together obviously