Intimacy: Today, I walked in on my brother jerking off to a breast cancer... - FML

By ugh, why - Australia

Today, I walked in on my brother jerking off to a breast cancer awareness advert. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28774

You deserved it

2972

Tweet

Share

Commando

Narcissistic parents FTW

PSA

By Anonymous - Switzerland - Bern

Today, as if to prove that there is no end to the unspeakable stupidity of the human race, a patient was brought into my hospital, needing a cellphone removed from his anus. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54881

You deserved it

3575

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, on my Facebook, the stripper my ex husband cheated on me with showed up in the "People You May Know" box. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47653

You deserved it

4290

Tweet

Share

By WhoDoYouLove6208 - United States

Today, it was my 19th birthday. My boss let me out early to celebrate. On my way home I was hit by a man doing 65 in a 40mph stretch of road. My car was completely destroyed. I spent the rest of my birthday sitting in the ER being treated for a pinched shoulder nerve and whiplash. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44714

You deserved it

2530

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - United States - Knoxville

Today, my fiancé threatened to break up with me if our dog couldn't be the best man at our wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35422

You deserved it

6952

Tweet

Share

By ditched - United States - Ashland

Today, I found out my co-workers don't actually like me when they changed the hangout spot after accidentally inviting me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39947

You deserved it

3817

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, I overheard my friends laughing about how my anxiety means I'll be single forever. I was too anxious to confront them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13862

You deserved it

1557

Tweet

Share

By MDpending - United States

Physician, heal thyself

Today, just 8 months away from graduating medical school, I successfully diagnosed myself with basal cell carcinoma. At least all that studying is paying off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2312

You deserved it

119

Tweet

Share

By JordanVilleneuve - Canada

Today, I went to the park and sat down on a bench to enjoy my coffee. I heard a few young girls behind me talking about how their first experience of sex was. I turned around to see how old these girls really were. One of them was my daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

64125

You deserved it

7505

Tweet

Share

By deewe - United States - Ann Arbor

Today, I planned to go on a date with a man I met online. He came to my apartment to pick me up, and I told him I'd be right out as I grabbed my purse. When I got outside, he was gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27222

You deserved it

4322

Tweet

Share

By Not dying. - United Kingdom - Watford

Today, I started getting really bad chest pains at work. I googled it and the internet convinced me I was having a heart attack. Scared for my life, I started to dial for an ambulance when I let out the biggest fart you could ever imagine. Turns out it was trapped gas. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28936

You deserved it

10832

Tweet

Share

By spaz - United States

Today, my dog started barking very aggressively. Thinking she'd started another gruesome fight with my older dog, I jumped up from the couch, spilling my coffee all over my laptop and dress, and knocked over a vase my grandmother gave me. She was barking at her own shadow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30836

You deserved it

13661

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked my boss for a raise. I pointed out that due to a technicality, if he hired someone to replace me, he'd have to pay them more anyway. He said he'd gladly pay more for "someone who knows his god-damn place" and made it clear I'll be jobless very soon. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32351

You deserved it

8946

Tweet

Share

By ID10t - United States

Today, I was on my back porch having a cigarette. Not being all that awake yet, I threw the butt, still smoldering, on the ground. Did I remember that there was an ashtray right next to me? No. I did what I would do at work: I stamped it out. Barefoot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7790

You deserved it

53709

Tweet

Share

By Teaching26 - United States

Today, I lectured my second-grade class to be more descriptive in their writing. I gave them an assignment to describe something in the classroom. I was grading their work later, and one student wrote, "My class is taught by a fat teacher with gray hair." FML

I agree, your life sucks

31041

You deserved it

17450

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, I tried to propose to my girlfriend, but when I took out the ring it flew out of the box and disappeared. She's been crying for 3 hours and I'm down 2 grand. I still don't know what her answer is. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4578

You deserved it

517

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Rochester

Today, the man that I have a crush on finally touched me. This would have been great, if not for the fact that it was to roll me on my side while I was having a seizure. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28306

You deserved it

1867

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Campbellsville

Today, I was at a pool party with some friends. We decided to play chicken and I was on the shoulders of the guy I like. Right as we started playing, for some unearthly reason my body decided to let out a little pee. I thought he wouldn't notice since we were already wet. He did. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57461

You deserved it

18679

Tweet

Share

By greenblue90 - United States

Today, my husband purposefully said something to upset me. When I asked why he would do that, he told me it was to test my Prozac. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31720

You deserved it

4234

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my boss fired me because a coworker had seen me reading magazines on the job. That same coworker was the one who offered me the magazine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43015

You deserved it

7899

Tweet

Share

By Sam_Licker81 - United States

Today, I was baking cookies and opened the oven door to check on them. Apparently, wearing a gold necklace means the wave of heat will burn your very fair skin. I now have a bright red ring of stars around my neck. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25682

You deserved it

6644

Tweet

Share

By spiderinmylips - United States

Today, I was laying out in my backyard trying to get some color, when I felt a little tickle on my lips. I rubbed them together to satisfy the itch, when I felt a sort of crunchish popping between them. I had crushed a spider between my lips and its legs were still moving. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46018

You deserved it

7456

Tweet

Share

By MitchFail - United States

Today, in the midst of foreplay, this girl tells me I am so hot, I respond "Ditto." She heatedly responds "I love ditto," to which I suavely reply "I didn't know you were into Pokémon. That may make you even sexier." She knows nothing about Pokémon, but I sure know how to kill the mood. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20642

You deserved it

73862

Tweet

Share

By guessthatsatrickthen - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, I opened the door to what I thought would be a group of trick or treaters. It was actually a naked man. He wanted to come in. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27057

You deserved it

1949

Tweet

Share

By somechick - Canada

Today, I was eating a bag of almonds I got from the bulk food store, picking off what I thought was stringy remnants of their shells. When I finally got down to the bottom of the bag, I found a silk worm circling around the last almond left of a bag of about 200. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35253

You deserved it

6065

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - United States

Today, I was really excited to be observing my first autopsy for my forensics class. Apparently so was the guy behind me. He barfed up ramen noodles all over my hair and back. I couldn't leave the room to clean up. For two hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29825

You deserved it

1921

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, I watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes, thinking "wow, dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized that I'd been watching my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20603

You deserved it

40877

Tweet

Share

By APetsPet - United States

Today, I got an email from the company that manages my cat's microchip informing me that I had to update my information that had been entered by the local Humane Society. Apparently, they listed my cat "Coral" as the owner, and me as the pet. To change it, they needed the cat's signature. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54322

You deserved it

4419

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 12/10/2020 10:01

Artists are unpredictable

Today, I sent a tweet to my favourite artist to tell him that I loved his work. He replied that I was being rude and blocked me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

976

You deserved it

110

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Bucyrus

Today, I told my mom I was finally going on a diet. She let me know how proud she is of me fighting temptation, by making my favorite cookies and dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25063

You deserved it

2638

Tweet

Share

By 3722145 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I showed my son the old trick of turning a calculator upside down and spelling "BOOBIES" on it in numbers. He laughed, then spent nearly 20 minutes trying to spell "COCKS", before giving up and hurling the calculator across the room. I wish my sperm had a warranty. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27354

You deserved it

6824

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 26/8/2020 14:01 - United States

Invasion

Today, I went to clean my roof when something buzzed by my head and a sting hit my neck. It turns out there's a small nest of, like, five hornets just chilling outside of my window. I found a dead one on the desk in my bedroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1147

You deserved it

101

Tweet

Share

By sayno - Switzerland

Today, I went to a coffee shop to meet an online date. I couldn't spot him, so he eventually came up and introduced himself. It seems his on-line picture must have been taken before I was born. I spluttered "This isn't going to work," and promptly scuttled out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30975

You deserved it

11282

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found my concert tickets that I've been trying to find for the last 2 weeks in my mom's closet. When I asked why she had them, she said she felt the concert was inappropriate for me so she hid them. I'm 20. FML

I agree, your life sucks

75142

You deserved it

6629

Tweet

Share

By driving me crazy

Zzzzzzzzz

Today, I had to temporarily relocate to my brother's room after mine was being repainted. Not only do I have to sleep on the floor, but I also have to put up with my brother and dog both snoring loudly. What's worse is that they alternate in snoring. Goodbye sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3766

You deserved it

394

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Clarks Summit

Today, I had an allergy test. Not only was I allergic to 35 out of the 40 items, they also found out that I'm allergic to the latex gloves my doctor happened to be wearing. Now my entire back is covered in a rash that will last at least another week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51877

You deserved it

3193

Tweet

Share

By littlepeepboo

You want a piece of me?

Today my boyfriend tried to be sexy and rip off my underwear. Instead, he bit a chunk out of my hip. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5003

You deserved it

422

Tweet

Share

By Robert - United States

Today, I got two viruses on my laptop. One was a fake anti-spyware program that cluttered the screen with pop-ups. The other opened explorer repeatedly, each time to a generic porn site. This all conveniently happened at work, on a projector and during a meeting. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54550

You deserved it

7370

Tweet

Share

By 8reth72 - United States

Today, I was helping a couple come up with a name for the baby they just had. I suggested "Joshua" thinking that it was an okay name. All sudden, the room got quiet. Turns out I had forgotten that Joshua was the name of their 3 year old son who had died a couple months before. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36104

You deserved it

86740

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 18/12/2020 10:58

Our insect overlords

Today, something flew up the back of my shorts while I was at work. I now have itchy hot welts the size of my palm coating the back and inside of both my upper thighs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

799

You deserved it

49

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I watched my grandfather try and park his car inside the storage area for shopping carts, thinking it was a parking space. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29339

You deserved it

3499

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By katie_undead | 11

#6467650 - Sunday 22 November 2015 19:28

That is actually the most disgusting thing I've heard today.

By kass_marsh | 16

#6467646 - Sunday 22 November 2015 19:27

Your brother needs some help...

COMMENTS

By kass_marsh | 16

#6467646 - Sunday 22 November 2015 19:27

Your brother needs some help...

Reply

CoffeeChickBlows | 13

#6467663 - Sunday 22 November 2015 19:30

You must've misread the location, OP's from Australia not Alabama.

Reply

Rawrshi | 25

#6467671 - Sunday 22 November 2015 19:34

#12 - Doesn't that just mean the help would be down under? Because I feel like OP's brother has that part handled quite well actually.

Reply

Badkarma4u | 17

#6467799 - Sunday 22 November 2015 21:49

It mean they livein a country that has a lost more liberal attitude toward sex in the media and their tv ads are way more sexualized than ours. Go to youtube and seach breast cancer adds and watch the ones from europe and australia..

By Leinster | 2

#6467649 - Sunday 22 November 2015 19:27

oh

By katie_undead | 11

#6467650 - Sunday 22 November 2015 19:28

That is actually the most disgusting thing I've heard today.

Reply

beeferjay | 34

#6467751 - Sunday 22 November 2015 20:41

don't google blue waffles........

Reply

Girlshotdown1 | 21

#6467890 - Monday 23 November 2015 0:11

thanks #31 I need to wash my brain with that disturbing image

Reply

lunar999 | 23

#6467919 - Monday 23 November 2015 0:36

Only today?

Reply

DejaRenee | 16

#6467996 - Monday 23 November 2015 2:26

#51 he told you not to do it you rebel

Reply

ronin123958 | 7

#6468287 - Monday 23 November 2015 12:31

Um, coming from that nickname...

By roccoman79 | 8

#6467651 - Sunday 22 November 2015 19:28

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By A07 | 48

#6467653 - Sunday 22 November 2015 19:28

Seems like he has an unhealthy obsession with the tiddy bress.

By RinoaHeartilly | 36

#6467654 - Sunday 22 November 2015 19:28

Wow! How callous.

By whatarethisss | 22

#6467655 - Sunday 22 November 2015 19:28

He loves boobies! I'll see myself out now.

Reply

danimal_crackerz | 26

#6467933 - Monday 23 November 2015 1:00

Please do

By Baurusdavinci | 12

#6467657 - Sunday 22 November 2015 19:29

You better not lose yours then

By allieski | 7

#6467659 - Sunday 22 November 2015 19:29

That's morally disgusting...

By Darkness_Hate | 29

#6467660 - Sunday 22 November 2015 19:29

This is not the breast idea to masturbate.