Intimacy: Today, I walked in on my brother jerking off to a breast cancer... - FML

By ugh, why - Australia

Today, I walked in on my brother jerking off to a breast cancer awareness advert. FML

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Understandable

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By human

Today, I had a dream in which I was eating vast quantities of pizza, cookies, and pastries. I became so anxious about all the calories that I woke up. Even in my dreams I'm self conscious about my diet. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/2/2021 11:05

You tried

Today, I’m a single parent and lately I’ve been working out to get healthier. During a session, I injured my back pretty badly. Now I need help getting out of bed, etc. I just wanted to make sure they wouldn’t ever need to take care of me. FML

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By maddie! - United States

Today, I was walking in the park with my boyfriend of 3 years. He stopped and knelt down in front of me. I started to panic, then he told me to calm down, my shoe was untied. FML

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By xoragebaby - United States

Today, I realized my job working with food is getting to me. While having sex with my boyfriend, I fell asleep. He asked me what I was doing, and apparently I sleep-talked, saying "I'm chopping lettuce". FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, I gave a beautiful book of baby names to a friend of mine who's been trying to get pregnant for a while. She just burst into tears when she saw it. Just before meeting me, she'd found out she was sterile. FML

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By deliveryboy - China

Today, I was told that I was an idiot by a little girl because I didn't deliver a pizza to her house fast enough. FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark

Today, my boyfriend dumped me because he says I need to learn how to be happy without relying on him. I'm not a clinger, I'm just unhappy because my dad recently passed away, my best friend turned on me, and I lost out on the exchange program of my dreams. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was with my boyfriend and we were in his car when he burst out crying, I thought it might have been because we had gotten into a huge fight and he felt bad. No, he cried on my shoulder for a half hour because he misses his ex-girlfriend. He's been writing songs about wanting her back. FML

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By Radbaby

Today, I asked a guy to change into a gown for an X-ray exam. I asked him to leave his underwear on, everything else off. Apparently he was going commando, as he left skid marks on my table when the exam was over. FML

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By -___- - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, my five-year-old daughter asked me why moms don't swallow clothes, so that their babies won't be born naked. My husband burst into derisive laughter, and has now trained her into responding to the name "Derp-Derp." FML

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By addie - United States

Today, my fiancé called me as I was clocking out. I thought he was going to tell me that he was waiting outside. Instead, he told me that he's getting arrested and needs me to call his mom for him. FML

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By what the fuck - United Kingdom - Northolt

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to get intimate for the first time. He said he didn't want to use a condom, and that I should just give him one of my birth control pills instead, "so we can still be just as safe". What the hell? FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally decided to get a dog. I have always been wanting to get one ever since I was a child. I bought a $1,400 Golden Retriever. I went out for lunch a few hours later with a friend, so I left my dog in the backyard. I came back home to a broken fence and no dog. FML

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By Ima_Moronski - United States

Today, I went shopping with my grandma. She went to the bathroom and was gone for a long while. I jokingly asked, "What happened, you fall in?" She did. She had shit all over the back of her shirt. FML

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By Lovenotes - United States

Today, my secret crush, who sits next to me in Bio, asked if he could borrow my notes. I agreed. It was only after he drove away, with my notebook, that I realized that in the back of my notes, I had written his name 100 times, surrounded by little hearts. FML

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By musicalxtheories

Tiler, the creator

Today, my cat pooped in the shower. How did I find out? I didn't see the poop when I got in. I slipped in it, and smacked my head on the tile wall. FML

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By { o } - United States - Miami

Today, an old man approached me at work. I smiled and asked, "Hi, can I help you"? He looked at me for a few seconds before replying, "Fuck me, you need to lose some weight!" and then wandering off. FML

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By Harry - United States

Today, I went hiking with my friend. We both had to pee really bad. We went to the edge of a cliff to "relieve ourselves". He peed and it came and hit me in the face, he did it on purpose. So, I decided to get him back and peed at him. The wind changed direction and hit me in the face again. FML

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By tripb101 - United States

Today, I hinted at getting it on towards my wife (it's been 2 weeks since we last did). She answered with "no I'm to tired", within 2 minutes she said, "I'm gonna go use the treadmill". She got all hot and sweaty for about 30 minutes, but it was with the treadmill. FML

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By RejectRaven

Today, my two year old got out of her crib while I was sleeping and destroyed $700 worth of my makeup from Sephora. FML

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By Donzai - Canada

A night to remember

Today, I was at my boss's house for a company BBQ. Earlier I had taken muscle relaxants to calm my lower back pain. After a few drinks it was clear the alcohol and medication did not mix. I woke up few hours later to find out I had stripped naked and jumped into the 4-foot cake before passing out. FML

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By Marjorie - Canada - Toronto

Today, I'm sitting in the ER with my eight-year-old son. He broke his arm after jumping out through the second story window. He was too impatient to walk to the ice cream van pulling up outside. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, after changing his mind 3 times, my long distance fiancé told me he wasn't coming to see me for Thanksgiving. Out of anger, I threw his clothes, car magazines, and whatever else I could find in a huge, messy pile. During this, he walked into the room. He was going to surprise me. FML

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By AllyCat - United States

Today, was my graduation party. My birthday was about a week ago so my parents combined the presents. I thought it would be something big so I hinted for a new TV. I got a snuggie. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I promised my boyfriend a blow job every time he does the dishes. Every dish in the house has been washed three times already. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went in to the doctor's thinking I had a bladder infection. I walked out knowing I'm pregnant. FML

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By heeeeeyitsbrittney

Today, I cut myself with a butter knife while trying to get a piece of brownie from a pan. I don't think I was meant to survive on Earth for very long. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, I had a wet dream about having sexual relations with a rubber duck. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mission

Today, I lost my virginity. We'd both waited until marriage, so I thought it'd be nice and romantic. Nope. He slipped it into my ass and claimed he didn't know which hole was the right one. FML

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By rahrahcakes - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my mum cleaned my room. When I got home she yelled at me for having condoms. I'm 24 years old and in a long term relationship. FML

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By photomark - United States

Today, I saw a quarter in my poop. My friends say I do stupid things when I get drunk. Apparently, eating change is one of them. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Neustadt

Today, I went to a dance and saw a really cute guy. Glow sticks were everywhere, so trying to be cute, I took a broken one and dripped some of the glowing liquid on my chest. It made him notice me, but only for him to point out that I'd managed to cut myself and was bleeding badly. FML

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By lxygrl - United States - Phenix City

Today, I was told I have kidney stones, kidney infections, and a bladder infection and that I have to get admitted into the hospital. I let my boss know, and she replied, "But you're still coming in for your shift tonight, right?" FML

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By Anothernametaken - United States

Today, while working the drive-through at Mcdonald's, I was handing a gentleman his vanilla shake. He responded by popping the cap off, yelling "Fire in the hole!" And throwing it back in. He then quickly drove off. I was covered in vanilla shake. FML

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By well okay then - United States

Today, while shopping, I saw a little girl and her mom. The girl was pouting so I tried to cheer her up by asking her if she was a princess, because she was so pretty. She smiled but her mom looked at me with disgust and told me to, "Get lost, pedo." I'm a 17-year-old girl. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hightstown

Today, after moving into my new house, I woke up to strange sounds coming from the kitchen. I panicked and started sobbing, convinced it was either a robbery or a home invasion. Turned out it was just my cat. FML

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By Frank - United States

Today, I came home from work tired and horny, and asked my girlfriend if she wanted to go make love. While all she had done all day is lay on the couch and watch television, she said, "I'm too tired, why don't you just go into the bathroom and grab a quick wank." FML

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By Ngbaheir - United Kingdom

Today, after weeks of my crazy girlfriend avoiding me because she knew I wanted to break up with her, I had no option but to do it by text. She told all my friends, who now think I'm a coward who isn't man enough to break up in person. They didn't even ask for my side of the story. FML

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By wheezy - United States - Bay Springs

Today, while giving speech in class, I choked on my own spit and had a coughing fit while everyone stared at me intently. When I finally regained my composure, my teacher told me my time was up and to sit down. I hadn't even got finished the first paragraph. FML

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By alisaav - Thailand

Today, I saw a cute guy walking out of a restaurant. When he saw me, he smiled and to be a bit flirty I bit my lip. Too bad it started to bleed like hell. FML

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Top comments

By katie_undead | 11

#6467650 - Sunday 22 November 2015 19:28

That is actually the most disgusting thing I've heard today.

By kass_marsh | 16

#6467646 - Sunday 22 November 2015 19:27

Your brother needs some help...

COMMENTS

By kass_marsh | 16

#6467646 - Sunday 22 November 2015 19:27

Your brother needs some help...

Reply

CoffeeChickBlows | 13

#6467663 - Sunday 22 November 2015 19:30

You must've misread the location, OP's from Australia not Alabama.

Reply

Rawrshi | 25

#6467671 - Sunday 22 November 2015 19:34

#12 - Doesn't that just mean the help would be down under? Because I feel like OP's brother has that part handled quite well actually.

Reply

Badkarma4u | 17

#6467799 - Sunday 22 November 2015 21:49

It mean they livein a country that has a lost more liberal attitude toward sex in the media and their tv ads are way more sexualized than ours. Go to youtube and seach breast cancer adds and watch the ones from europe and australia..

By Leinster | 2

#6467649 - Sunday 22 November 2015 19:27

oh

By katie_undead | 11

#6467650 - Sunday 22 November 2015 19:28

That is actually the most disgusting thing I've heard today.

Reply

beeferjay | 34

#6467751 - Sunday 22 November 2015 20:41

don't google blue waffles........

Reply

Girlshotdown1 | 21

#6467890 - Monday 23 November 2015 0:11

thanks #31 I need to wash my brain with that disturbing image

Reply

lunar999 | 23

#6467919 - Monday 23 November 2015 0:36

Only today?

Reply

DejaRenee | 16

#6467996 - Monday 23 November 2015 2:26

#51 he told you not to do it you rebel

Reply

ronin123958 | 7

#6468287 - Monday 23 November 2015 12:31

Um, coming from that nickname...

By roccoman79 | 8

#6467651 - Sunday 22 November 2015 19:28

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

By A07 | 48

#6467653 - Sunday 22 November 2015 19:28

Seems like he has an unhealthy obsession with the tiddy bress.

By RinoaHeartilly | 36

#6467654 - Sunday 22 November 2015 19:28

Wow! How callous.

By whatarethisss | 22

#6467655 - Sunday 22 November 2015 19:28

He loves boobies! I'll see myself out now.

Reply

danimal_crackerz | 26

#6467933 - Monday 23 November 2015 1:00

Please do

By Baurusdavinci | 12

#6467657 - Sunday 22 November 2015 19:29

You better not lose yours then

By allieski | 7

#6467659 - Sunday 22 November 2015 19:29

That's morally disgusting...

By Darkness_Hate | 29

#6467660 - Sunday 22 November 2015 19:29

This is not the breast idea to masturbate.