Today, I got into a heated argument with my girlfriend. Not because of anything I did, but because she actually believes that pasteurization is when a pastor blesses a dairy product. "You know, like kosher." FML
Today, I got to listen to my boss lecture me about professional dress and subtly insinuate that my being on the heavier side top-wise with all the men in the office could be a problem. I've worn turtle necks for the whole two months I've been working there. FML
Today, it wasn't until I heard something fly off the roof of my car and hit the trunk, then asphalt, that I remembered where I left my phone while unlocking the car door. FML
Today, my boyfriend walked in on me as I was browsing a baby name website. I explained to him that I was naming characters for a novel I was planning to write, but he is completely convinced that I'm pregnant, and has even told his parents. FML
Today, my co-worker handed me a note. The note said, "If you can, please take a shower once in a while." The smell was coming from the broken bathroom next to my office. FML
Today, after struggling for hours to fall asleep with my husband's rather rattling snoring, I finally managed to drop off… only to be rudely awakened an hour later by my husband elbowing me in the face in his sleep. FML
Today, I was cleaning out from underneath my bed and found a used condom. I've never had sex in my own room. FML
Today, while on my run, I saw a middle-aged man sleeping near a business condo. I approached him and asked if he was "ok." He grabbed my leg, held onto it with a death-grip, and moped about how horrible his life was - for ten minutes. At least the weather was nice. FML
Today, my parents told me they were getting divorced, at the beginning of a family road trip, adding that this'll be the last thing we ever do as a family. FML
Today, I'm old enough to be looking at houses to buy, but not old enough to get past the idea that they might be affordable because they're haunted. FML
Today, my therapist gave me some great self-sufficiency advice. It sounded familiar. When I got home I realized she had been quoting Christina Aguilera songs. For £100 an hour. FML
Today, I discovered my water bottle had leaked and spilled water all over my backpack, ruining my notebooks, soaking my schoolbooks, and destroying my midterm portfolio. FML
Today, after many tests and doctor visits, I finally found out the reason for my flu-like symptoms isn't a vitamin deficient or anything. The damn tea I drink every morning makes me feel sick. FML
Masift tells us more.
Masift 21
You see, I only drink tea in the mornings with breakfast before I go to class and I feel like crap all day. However I don't drink tea on the weekends (I don't know why) but Sunday morning, I drank the same tea and I started having the symptoms again. And of course as usual, I drank the tea again this morning, and it felt the same.
Today, I spent some of my pay on a birthday gift for my wife. She found out about the money going missing from our account, and now she thinks I'm having an affair. I work 24/7 and barely have time to see my friends, let alone have an affair. FML
Today, I went to the vending machine, put in a dollar, and reached down to grab my snack. The slot door wouldn't open, so I pushed it harder. I got my hand in, but the door got stuck again, this time with my hand inside. I tried to push with my other hand. It got stuck too. FML
Today, when I woke up, I got into the bath that my boyfriend had prepared for me. I particularly appreciated its smell, so I asked him what he'd used. "I couldn't find the usual bath salts you use, so I just used what I could." It's official, I've taken a Alka-Seltzer flavored bath. FML
Today, I bumped into a lady in the New Jersey airport. After I politely apologized she said, "Watch your step, asshole." FML
Today, after realizing it burned when I peed, I found out the boy I waited two years to have sex with gave me gonorrhea. FML
Today, my dad got so drunk that I had to drive him home. He kept yelling at me to not speed, saying I was going too fast and that there were too many bumps on the road. I hadn't even started the car yet. FML
AnonymousZOMBIE tells us more.
He practically had a heart attack telling me that I'm not a race driver, when actually I had decided to take the smaller roads and I was going at about 20 mph. Then he proceeded to take off his seat belt jump to the back of the car and lay down on the floor praying that I don't crash the car on the way home. When we finally got home he said if I could heat up his shoes??? because he was very hungry, 10 seconds later, he passed out on the couch. To tell you the truth I don't think alcohol was the only thing he had last night. He works very long hours, and he's a hard working man, and he is always there for us. They gave him a 2 week vacation and the youngest of my brothers is going off to college. I guess he deserves a little bit of fun, especially when my mother passed away a year after my youngest brother was born, he had to raise 3 kids on his own. He got very drunk, but he deserves to have fun every once in a while, the good thing is that there is only one bar he goes to and both the manager and the bartender know us very well and calls one of us to pick him up so he won't have to drive.
Today, I went paintballing with my girlfriend and her family. Her dad ended up shooting me, and I doubled over in pain. I thought that was it, until he stepped back and shot me several more times in the stomach. "Just double-tapping," he smirked. More like quadruple-tapping. FML
Today, at football practice, the biggest lineman shouldered me so hard in the groin that my protective cup pushed back with enough force to crack the bone. FML
Today, I got a new job and told everyone about it. A few hours later, I got an email from the executive saying I actually don't have the job anymore. FML
Today, after a twelve week dry spell followed by an eight week one, I decided to take a bit more initiative at seducing my girlfriend. Not only was she "not in the mood" again, but she offered me Trident Layers gum instead. She apparently thought that it was a fair trade. FML
Today, one of my friends asked me to flirt with her boyfriend to see if he would flirt back. Knowing this was a trust test, I agreed. She got pissed at me when he flirted back and still isn't speaking to me. FML
Today, while lying in bed, my boyfriend reached over and pinched my love handles and said "Where did this muffin top come from?". Then he sang "Do you know the muffin man?" to me. FML
Today, I'm found out I'm pregnant. My husband and I spoke at length about how we were going to handle things, which included him "forbidding" me from having an epidural, because he doesn't want our baby to "come out addicted to drugs." FML
Today, I was at my boyfriend's house waiting to surprise him when he got home from work. I was laying in his bed when he called to tell me we were over. I couldn't leave before he got home. FML
Today, I noticed that my facial hair had grown by an acceptable amount. I spoke to my Dad and decided to show him, thinking he would approve of my manliness. His exact words when I showed him were, "Nah, son. You just look like a lesbian." FML
Today, I was taking a dump in a public toilet, when a guy in the next stall started drunkenly rapping. He kept trying to get me to rap along with him, eventually bashing the wall and threatening to bust my face in if I didn't. I soon found out I can rap to Slob On My Knob pretty well. FML
Today, I had some soup that my dad made. I took one sip and found he had put tons of hot sauce in it. I rushed to drink from a soda can sitting on the counter, only to find that my mom had used it as an ash tray the night before. I can still taste the hot sauce, and the ash. FML
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