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Triple A

By chi_chia - 24/03/2011 15:03 - United States

Today, while vacuuming my car, I discovered a hole in the floor under one of the seats. Unable to figure out where it came from, I took it to a professional, who informed me that a family of rats has been making my car their home for the last several months. How lovely. FML

agreeclassic 33 928

vote type 1 4 945

By Anonymous - 20/01/2010 05:22 - United States

Today, I woke up to my cell phone alarm buzzing. It wasn't time to wake up yet, so I snoozed it. It buzzed again, this time with "One New Voicemail." I had "snoozed" my nephew. Stationed in Iraq. FML

agreeclassic 33 928

vote type 1 14 154

By driverboy - 31/12/2014 08:08 - United States

Today, I had to pick up and drive home a couple of drunk bitches. Unfortunately, one of these drunk bitches was my mother. FML

agreeclassic 33 926

vote type 1 4 883

Saxophone solo

By fartypants - this FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Winter Park

Today, as I finished my piano recital and took a bow, I farted into the microphone. FML

agreeclassic 33 926

vote type 1 4 581

By Exhausted - 28/11/2011 06:07 - Iran Islamic Republic of

Today, I was called an "inconsiderate scum bucket" by my neighbor because I allowed my loud alarm to go on too long before silencing it. The only reason that I sleep through my alarm is because I have to wear earplugs, as they have their TV on maximum volume until 4am. FML

agreeclassic 33 925

vote type 1 2 652

By Anonymos_fmler - 21/10/2014 00:38 - United States - Franklin Park

Today, I was shopping when a woman stopped me and asked me what lipgloss I was wearing because my lips looked gorgeous. I had to explain to her it was just the grease from the Slim Jim I had just eaten. FML

agreeclassic 33 924

vote type 1 5 297

By Nearis - 16/02/2011 01:13 - United States

Today, I received a call from the police about a car accident that I was a witness to. As the only witness who stopped to help, I was remembered by the other cars involved. They're blaming me for the accident. The cops want to talk. FML

agreeclassic 33 922

vote type 1 2 789

By Anonymous - 28/08/2013 18:50 - United States - Bessemer

Today, while working at a client's house, I noticed that their sliding calendar was several months off. I fixed it. Later the daughter saw and started crying. Apparently the date was the last one her mother had set it to before she died. FML

agreeclassic 33 919

vote type 1 59 001

Thanks, I feel better

By meowcat101 - this FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, my dad took me to play golf to relieve the stress of recovering from a bad concussion. While teaching me to swing, he hit me in the head. FML

agreeclassic 33 919

vote type 1 3 327

By Anonymous - 13/01/2011 02:06 - United States

Today, I worked a full day and then went to a three-hour class. I got home at 9 PM, and before the door closed I heard, "There's a sink full of dishes for you." There are three able-bodied men in the house, all of whom got here hours ago and created that sink full of dishes. FML

agreeclassic 33 918

vote type 1 4 737

By locksmack - 14/06/2009 12:46 - Australia

Today, I was peeing in the shower when my girlfriend suddenly pulled open the shower curtain in an attempt to scare me. Startled, I quickly spun around and peed all over her dress. FML

agreeclassic 33 918

vote type 1 58 085

By crystalpistol - 16/08/2010 02:15 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, right after I turned down an amazing job opportunity in another location, just so I could be with him. FML

agreeclassic 33 917

vote type 1 16 331

By Lunab123 - 01/02/2015 02:43 - United States - Potomac

Today, I had food poisoning and woke up early in the morning to vomit. My mom emailed all of my teachers saying that I would be late to school because of "morning sickness". Thanks mom. FML

agreeclassic 33 912

vote type 1 2 565

By Anonymous - 05/02/2016 20:08 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I worked up the confidence to go to the mall alone for the first time since being confined to a wheelchair. It didn't even take 20 minutes before some teenager grabbed my wheelchair and tried to race me around, all while his friends watched and laughed. FML

agreeclassic 33 911

vote type 1 1 718

By WELL FUCK YOU KINDLY, MA'AM - 18/11/2012 21:22 - United States - Endicott

Today, I had to forcibly separate a boy from my daughter after he grabbed her and started shoving her around. I complained to his mother, only to have her shout, "mind your fucking business" and say that her son can do whatever the hell he wants. FML

agreeclassic 33 911

vote type 1 1 929

By Anonymous - 05/05/2012 11:44 - United States

Today, I got tasered by a cop. It was his second day on the job. My crime? Sneezing during a sobriety test. FML

agreeclassic 33 911

vote type 1 2 478

Quack science

By RyanJarmanForPresident - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I caught my teenage daughter smoking, and tried calmly explaining to her that it's quite bad for her health. She replied with, "It doesn't harm you if you're under 20." FML

agreeclassic 33 910

vote type 1 5 175

By graciegold95 - 06/12/2014 16:10 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my daughter decided it'd be funny to change the time on my clock. My boss didn't think it was funny. FML

agreeclassic 33 910

vote type 1 2 949

By Anonymous - 01/09/2010 14:41 - Germany

Today, after almost a week of being bed-ridden with a bad flu, my mom told me it was my job to clean the house. When I told her I still had a fever and didn't feel well, she looked at me and said in an understanding voice "It's okay honey, you can do it slowly." FML

agreeclassic 33 910

vote type 1 5 166

What were the chances?

By emilyparra1 - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Riverview

Today, I had a job interview for a job I've been dying to have. As I walked into the office, the manager said, "Aren't you my son's ex, the one he cheated on?" All I could do was sit there quietly as he laughed at me. FML

agreeclassic 33 909

vote type 1 2 573

By SunshineX7 - 09/10/2013 04:22 - United States - Springfield

Today, I got so self-conscious about weight gain that I got paranoid about how much my Castle Crashers character was eating to heal. FML

agreeclassic 33 909

vote type 1 9 651

By maxedoutidiot - 13/12/2012 02:14 - United States

Today, my drunk girlfriend maxed out my credit card, on an "authentic" Jesus Christ autograph on eBay. FML

agreeclassic 33 908

vote type 1 5 393

By kittens go meow - 15/02/2012 00:35 - United States

Spicy

Today, I received a cute letter in my locker. It was in German, so I used Google translate. Apparently, someone hopes I choke on big fat cock. FML

agreeclassic 33 906

vote type 1 3 570

Freak out

By RIP Turd (peacebeuponit) - 17/12/2014 18:47 - Lebanon - Beirut

Today, I took a crap. When I stood up to admire my handiwork and flush, I noticed blood-red everywhere in the toilet. I freaked out like a little girl, thinking I was bleeding out of my ass. Then I noticed the ketchup packets my roommate had slipped under the seat to prank me. FML

agreeclassic 33 905

vote type 1 6 646

Weird flex, but OK

By mrwilly - 02/01/2015 03:22 - United States - Corona

Spicy

Today, as usual, my boyfriend referred to his penis in the third person as "Mr. Willy". Even during sex. FML

agreeclassic 33 905

vote type 1 4 906

By Anonymous - 04/08/2012 06:00 - United States - Santa Fe

Today, it was my wedding day. When my soon-to-be-husband was saying his vows, he didn't say my name. He said his mother's. FML

agreeclassic 33 905

vote type 1 2 255

Ominous

By IloveMaroon5 - 07/06/2011 06:48 - United States

Today, I found out that if your boss unfriends you on Facebook, it's probably not a good sign. FML

agreeclassic 33 904

vote type 1 4 421

By yonanon - 31/08/2012 12:02 - United States - Chesapeake

Today, I found out that if a guy you've been dating starts acting weird, there's probably a reason why. Like, perhaps, a wife and two kids. FML

agreeclassic 33 904

vote type 1 3 127

By Godsfavourite - 14/09/2011 05:42 - Australia

Today, I got kicked off the train because I refused to stand for an old lady who wanted to sit down. There was an empty seat right next to me. FML

agreeclassic 33 902

vote type 1 7 299

Godsfavourite app_comment_confession_title

Godsfavourite 4

Thursday 15 September 2011 8:48

The train had those seats that run parallel with the walls of the train, not the window and aisle seats. And I tell you know that the lady was just one of those people that looks down their nose at most youth. I was in no way disrespectful to her and when I pointed out the seat next to me and she went and told the security guards that I refused to stand up for her. It's messed up, man. OP

Merry Xmas

By Christmas sucks - 24/12/2012 01:03 - United States - Boston

Today, I was wrapping presents for my daughter, trying to be really quiet. Behind me, the cat decided to climb the tree, which then fell on top of me and I couldn't move. My daughter had to help me up. She now knows everything she's getting for Christmas this year. FML

agreeclassic 33 901

vote type 1 4 777

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Today, two days before our vacation, I caught my wife coaching our six year-old son how to fake nightmares, so he could sleep in our bed every night. I now understand why we never have sex on vacation. FML

agreeclassic 686

vote type 1 134

Today, I farted in front of my husband for the first time in 26 years. He told our kids over email, and now they won't shut up about it. FML

agreeclassic 31 544

vote type 1 9 272

Today, my son got pulled over for speeding. His excuse? The speed limit signs “aren’t posted often enough,” so he “forgot” what the limit was. I raised this dumbass. FML

agreeclassic 734

vote type 1 231

Today, I found that my Facebook account had been hacked, and all my friends were deleted. As I tried to add them all back, Facebook reported me as a hacker for adding too many people too quickly. FML

agreeclassic 34 557

vote type 1 3 729

Today, I got a promotion. I was really excited until I realized that the only friend I had to celebrate with was my pet cat. FML

agreeclassic 28 808

vote type 1 5 373

Today, on my way out of a coffee shop, I tripped over a curb while holding a full cup of coffee. The coffee flew in slow motion, hitting a stranger right in the face. As I stood there, frozen, I realized the puddle of coffee was now surrounding both of us. All I could do was apologize while trying to avoid a public fistfight. FML

agreeclassic 375

vote type 1 104