Today, I drove 4 hours to see my girlfriend of a year, as she had asked me to stay with her for a few days. When I arrived she told me she wanted to be friends as she liked someone else, but wanted me to stay the few days so we could work on being friends. FML
Today, the police came to my door and told me about a woman who called the cops on me because she said that I had been following her in my car. We were on the highway. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, saying we're too different. His only example? He likes ham and I don't. FML
Today, I turned on the TV just in time to see my picture on the news. I have no idea what they said about me. FML
Today, I said "bless you" to a nice man who sneezed on the subway. That nice man has now followed me home and stood outside my apartment complex for two hours, claiming to be my "soulmate." FML
Today, my husband came home with a Christmas gift from a coworker. It's the same thing I got him. FML
Today, it was my birthday, so when I woke up, I came downstairs yelling, "ALL I WANT FOR MY BIRTHDAY, IS A BIG BOOTY HOE," only to find that my family had thrown me a surprise party. All my grandparents were at the bottom of the stairs. FML
Today, while getting ready for a friend's wedding, I was curling my eyelashes. My cat decided to jump onto the towel rod. As I went to catch her, I ripped all the eyelashes out of one eye. I called my boyfriend crying. When he saw me, he laughed and said, "You look really surprised in that eye." FML
Today, I have a new boss. She claims to be a professional Angry Birds player. FML
Today, while watching Animal Planet, I realised my boyfriend uses the Dog Whisperer techniques on me. FML
Today, my twelve year-old son thought it would be a good idea to relentlessly shoot the mail truck with a paintball gun in front of all the neighbors. FML
NYmets456 tells us more.
Just so you know, everything has worked out fine. The mailman was pretty nice about it. He had to wash off the back of the truck, and pay a little money to help fix it.
Today, my girlfriend had a bitch fit at me because I laughed at her idea of getting the Cullen family tree tattooed on her back. FML
Today, I was kicked out of a comedy club for laughing too loudly. FML
Today, after a week of intense fighting, my girlfriend of 4 years and I hung out. She told me she loved me, and I pointed out that last week she said she was going to dump me. Without missing a beat, she replied, "Only to scare you into submission." FML
Today, I realized just how clingy my boyfriend is, when he pulled out in the middle of sex, lay down and hugged me, and said in his "adorable" voice that he didn't really want to have sex, but cuddle. I wouldn't mind if it didn't happen so often. FML
Today, my boyfriend got really excited that he'd broken his own record; he can now last a full 2 minutes in bed. FML
Today, my 6 year-old daughter walked in on my husband and I getting it on. Now she won't stop "pretending to be daddy" against items of furniture. We have guests coming round in three hours. FML
Today, I was called a "whore," a "demon," a "piece of shit," and a "disrespectful bitch." All of this happened because I wouldn't let my mother-in-law borrow my car. This is a woman with multiple speeding tickets. FML
Today, I had a chest X-ray. I thought everything was okay, that is until the tech gasped slightly and muttered, "Mother of God." I asked him what was wrong, and he kept insisting he had no idea what I was talking about. Now I'm so upset I can't even sleep. FML
Today, my boyfriend endearingly told me that he's been taking advantage of my inability to smell due to a head cold, and he's been farting around me whenever he pleases. FML
Today, I found out how my parents met. They met at a mental hospital, where they were both being hospitalized. FML
Today, after 3 hours of sleep, I had to rush to my grandmother's house because she fell and couldn't get up. An embarrassed, half-naked old lady, a very wet rug, an ambulance and a trip to the hospital later, and she still refuses to use her cane and walker. I hope I'm not this stubborn when I'm old. FML
CatLady4Lyf tells us more.
CatLady4Lyf 30
OP here~ Yes, she's okay, no injuries, and for those of you saying, "Get life alert" - She already HAS life alert but refuses to wear it...Her stubbornness has no limits. She would rather have her family worry and put her life in jeopardy than lose her pride and "independence". We're gonna see about in-home care so that we don't have to worry all the time. Thanks for all the support~ :) I can only hope that one day my grandmother comes to her senses, what little she has left.
Today, my boyfriend told me the thing that gets him really horny. Apple sauce. FML
Today, my dad took my phone away. This would be fine if I was 14. I'm 22 and pay for all of my own bills. FML
Today, I farted while asking a girl out to dinner. FML
Today, I got caught trying to steal my own cat back from my neighbor. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me he masturbates to the thought of me swimming in pancake syrup. FML
Today, at work, I gave a piece of candy to a co-worker I have a crush on. She looked at me weirdly and walked away. I then remembered that my friend wrote "penis" on the wrapper. FML
Today, my husband came home drunk off his ass at 2am. He started crying on my shoulder because he couldn't go home with some beautiful woman who hit on him, because sadly for him, he's married to me. FML
Today, my fiancé called me 'thick' for not realising he'd been sleeping with his ex earlier. FML
Jennandco tells us more.
Jennandco 25
Hey guys, OP here! Yeah hahah, it was just funny because literally 5 minutes before hand, I questioned whether he had, because I had my suspicions and he had a huge go at me for even suggesting it. I'm basically 'thick' because I didn't figure that when we were arguing about his number of jobs, he said 'at least I'm not an unemployed prick' he was talking about his actual genitalia, rather than just his employment (we weren't having sex because I was still recovering from an operation because I had been really ill) I didn't want to believe it because we had been on/off for 6 years and he really meant a lot, but then he showed me their messages discussing their sex just to hurt me further, but then expected me to get over it. So I guess then I kind of had to, huh? But it wasn't the first time he had done that, first time I tried to get over it. Not this time.
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
