Intimacy: Today, my boyfriend got really excited that he'd broken his own... - FML

By user210 - 26/03/2012 03:05 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend got really excited that he'd broken his own record; he can now last a full 2 minutes in bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 962

You deserved it 4 061

Walk the line

Who's the loser?

Thanks Texas

By Anonymous - 22/02/2012 19:55 - Canada

Today, I found out that my wife is pregnant again. During her last two pregnancies, she craved pop-tarts and screamed bloody murder at the drop of a hat, so I went out and bought a box for her. Turns out that this time, pop-tarts make her want to puke. Cue screaming. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 046

You deserved it 4 504

By Anonymous - 14/12/2010 05:10 - Canada

Today, I learned that you can be qualified for a position, be a nice person and enthusiastic about working, but as soon as the boss has a relative looking for a job, nepotism wins. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 356

You deserved it 2 771

By hackshack - 08/06/2012 19:45 - Brazil - Porto Alegre

Today, my English teacher kicked me out of class for being "rude and disruptive." In actuality, I had called her out for having blatantly used Google Translate for several example sentences, all of which sounded as if a semi-literate foreigner had constructed them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 408

You deserved it 3 926

Well hello there…

By acinorev - 07/08/2021 22:01

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend's antisocial father actually decided to talk to me. Too bad I couldn't respond, due to the fact that I still had his son's penis in my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 971

You deserved it 447

By needanewphone - 22/01/2012 22:03 - United States

Today, while I was getting ready to take a shower, I placed my phone on the counter next to the toilet. While I was washing my hair, someone called me. My phone was on vibrate, so I didn't hear it until it vibrated off the counter and into the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 894

You deserved it 32 247

Man spitting truth bombs over here

By Robert - 19/11/2020 08:08

Today, I found out my cat had died overnight at the vet's. She died alone in the dark, in a cage. Meanwhile, Donald Trump, an old, narcissistic, overweight sack of shit, survived COVID with millions of tax payer dollars in healthcare. I'd rather my cat had been the one to live; at least she made life nicer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 465

You deserved it 956

By slut - 29/08/2011 16:22 - Canada

Today, I finally found out that the tattoo on my lower back means "slut" in Chinese, instead of "good fortune" as I always thought it did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 337

You deserved it 59 169

By Anonymous - 21/01/2010 14:29 - Canada

Today, I was the only girl in my lab class. The instructor was learning our names. When he came to me, I went to say "mine will be easy" and it came out as "I'm easy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 885

You deserved it 30 951

By Anonymous - 20/11/2014 15:23 - United States - Tracy

Today, it took a whole half hour of scratching my head before I realized with horror that the weird tickling sensation I'd been feeling was actually a spider crawling around in my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 930

You deserved it 3 194

By Anonymous - 16/10/2012 16:38 - United States - Raleigh

Today, my neighbors left for their nine month excursion, and armed their security system. One of the features is a loud series of three beeps every three seconds, 24 hours a day. I can hear it, clear as a bell, throughout my entire house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 329

You deserved it 1 577

By cmart_9 - 29/10/2013 04:24 - United States - Clayton

Today, my girlfriend got a detention for public display of affection. We go to different schools. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 127

You deserved it 4 458

By brokenhearted - 18/02/2010 09:51 - United States

Today, after 25 years of marriage and 2 children, I was served with divorce papers. It turns out my 51 year old, soon to be ex, has been having an affair with the 24 year old tutor I hired to help our daughter bring her grades up. They are in love and want to start a new family together as soon as possible. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 141

You deserved it 2 863

By HP_22 - 01/12/2009 16:17 - United States

Today, I was the only employee at a video store where I work when it got robbed. After crying, shaking and spending two hours and dealing with the police, my boss called and told me it was good experience and I would know what to do next time, then made me finish my shift, the night shift, alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 625

You deserved it 3 275

By ManderDander - 05/09/2015 18:48 - United States - San Francisco

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend was putting baby powder on my bare ass, when his dad walked into the room, casually set a laundry basket next to the bed, and walked out like nothing happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 844

You deserved it 8 140

Feeling faint

By jacey - 12/06/2021 02:01

Today, I discovered that my body will go straight to “weak and lightheaded” before it even considers “hungry.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 770

You deserved it 67

By Mary Kathryn - 22/04/2012 12:09 - United States - Fremont

Today, I took off the training wheels of my niece's bike. I tried to show her how to ride it, but she told me to get off because I needed a fat girl's bike. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 156

You deserved it 6 548

By dumb4$$0rz - 23/12/2010 21:01 - United States

Today, the grades for one of my courses were released. The class average was higher than that which the department allowed, so the professor had to scale everyone's marks down to meet the policy. I ended up failing because my class was too smart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 146

You deserved it 6 182

By justno - 03/08/2018 19:00

Today, my best friend of 10 years blocked me for no reason. When I went to her house to ask why she did it and apologize for whatever it was, she told me to kill myself and slammed the door. I still don't know what I did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 047

You deserved it 307

By peacechick25 - 02/01/2011 09:36 - United States

Today, as a finisher to a date with my girlfriend we decided to park behind the school and mess around. As we were pulling into a dark shaded spot, she drove straight into a snow bank. We spent the rest of our time together trying to dig the car out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 620

You deserved it 27 600

By hobo - 17/05/2015 17:47 - Canada - Chilliwack

Today, I woke up to "we're leaving". I'm now homeless because my Dad and his girlfriend got into an argument over toilet paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 516

You deserved it 2 192

By kill me - 07/05/2016 00:58 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to repeatedly explain to my nosy, interfering, clingy, no-concept-of-personal-space mom that I'm not okay with her moving into my new house, or the same neighborhood, or even the same goddamn state as me when I get married next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 906

You deserved it 1 913

By wtf did i do?? - 11/01/2013 22:22 - Canada - Thornhill

Today, trying to be sweet, I told my girlfriend that I'm so happy we met one another. She muttered, "Well, that makes one of us." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 247

You deserved it 3 229

Gender bending

By Recluse - 21/11/2014 18:18

Today, the girl I'd been dating online for 6 months told me she was a guy. I said it was alright, and that I was still in love. Then she confessed she really was a girl, and was just trying to make me dump her so she wouldn't be the "bad guy". FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 573

You deserved it 7 562

By Foster_Em - 04/07/2009 04:38 - United States

Today, I was coming home from a date, I saw my ex standing in my drive-way. He had dumped me 2 months ago saying he couldn't talk me. To make him jealous, I made out with my new guy before greeting him. Turns out he couldn't talk to me because he had had cancer and had been afraid to tell me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 205

You deserved it 79 151

By GrahamCracker - 21/05/2009 05:36 - United States

Today, I was taking a final exam and I reached into my pocket to get out a pencil. I felt this thing in my pocket so I got it out and put it on the desk. At first I thought it was a leaf but then it started kicking and trying to run around. It was a cockroach. It had been living in my pocket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 589

You deserved it 8 907

By myasshurts - 14/10/2011 23:03 - United States

Spicy

Today, while lying in bed with my boyfriend after some steamy lovemaking, he sat up, slapped my ass with excruciating force, and screamed, "I AM THE THUNDER!" directly into my ear. It seems our senses of humor differ considerably. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 634

You deserved it 6 642

By youlovewaffles - 03/08/2019 04:00

Today, I was talking to myself in the shower, pretending I was Oprah. After I got out, my little brother asked if I was singing in the bathroom. I almost said no, but admitting to singing seemed a lot less embarrassing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 215

You deserved it 401

By Danielle - 06/06/2011 19:00 - United States

Today, I stayed at my boyfriend's house after mine was broken into. The robber took my laptop, jewellery, and tons of clothes. When I walked into his house, I was greeted by his brother, wearing one of my stolen shirts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 711

You deserved it 4 052

By ... - 15/04/2012 21:26 - United States - Clermont

Today, I arrived at work, only to find my computer's massive CRT monitor had been smashed up beyond belief. Everyone else has flat-screen monitors, and I'd made no secret of how unfair it is to me. According to my boss, this makes me the obvious culprit, and now I'm suspended. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 678

You deserved it 2 773

By James4929 - 08/01/2010 00:25 - United Kingdom

Today, I was on a long-haul plane journey home from my holiday. After 5 hours, I decided to stretch my arms whilst watching a movie. Little did I know that a little girl was approaching, running down the aisle as my arm stretched out. I accidentally clothes-lined a little 9 year old girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 272

You deserved it 4 041

By Flippy - 29/08/2010 00:05 - United States

Today, at work, I was reprimanded for not engaging with customers enough. In an effort to be more friendly, I complimented the next customer on her interesting accent. Turns out it was from a stroke she had last year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 156

You deserved it 6 192

By k.k. - 05/02/2017 14:00 - United States - Seymour

Today, I left 20 minutes early for school to get a good seat in class. I sat in traffic for 20 minutes before I even got on the thruway and for another 25 minutes once I got off the exit for school. Then I couldn't find parking at my university. I missed class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 875

You deserved it 789

By Anonymous - 22/10/2013 21:02 - United States

Today, I got a call from an angry parent telling me that I'm teaching her son and the other children in the class "wrong philosophies". This was all because I explained to the class that Michigan is divided into two parts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 317

You deserved it 2 759

By Anonymous - 16/06/2013 18:49 - France - Le Rove

Today, I woke up to my bratty younger sister cutting through my hair with a pair of scissors. I now look like a freak, and my mum bitched me out for being angry, all because my sister claimed she'd been sleep-walking. Her demented smirk said otherwise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 250

You deserved it 3 146

By Nakdnathan - 16/09/2009 16:19 - United States

Today, I got written up for not making a drink right. While getting yelled at by my boss, my co-worker made the drink the same exact way I made it. I pointed it out. My boss responded with, "He is allowed to because I like him, I don't like you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 992

You deserved it 3 930

By llmd - 10/08/2010 04:30 - Canada

Today, I called my boyfriend just to hear his voice since I haven't seen him in a while. His mom picked up and said "Chris isn't here right now, he's with his girlfriend. Do you want to leave him a message." We've been dating for 4 and a half months now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 553

You deserved it 3 964

By Anonymous - 19/09/2014 08:58 - Belgium

Today, in a rush to get out of my house to go to a doctor's appointment, I closed the door behind me without having my house or car keys on me. Sadly, it took me less than a minute to break into my own house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 020

You deserved it 6 008

By sydneybourgeois - 13/08/2011 04:06 - United States

Today, the guy of my dreams told me he liked me and leaned in to kiss me. Just as our lips touched, I ripped a big ass fart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 460

You deserved it 16 115

By lmaofuck - 26/05/2016 01:06 - United States - Westerville

Today, I had a guest at my house. I stood up to shake her hand and kiss her on both cheeks, which is common in my culture. When she was kissing my cheeks, I went the opposite way from her and I ended up kissing her on the lips instead. Her eyes went big and I ran away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 514

You deserved it 1 381

Now hiring. Please.

By Anonymous - 25/06/2021 11:01 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend's 16-year-old daughter got a job. I'm 29, have a Master’s degree in chemistry and I'm still unemployed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 810

You deserved it 192

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Monday 26 March 2012 9:00

At least he broke the record. Lol

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Monday 26 March 2012 9:04

Doesn't matter, had sex.

Comments

QuirkyCorgiLove 8

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Monday 26 March 2012 8:59

Awhhh I'm sorryy!!:(

gamercanadian 11

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Monday 26 March 2012 9:40

On the bright side he did break his last record.

chris36taylor 2

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Monday 26 March 2012 10:02

You can't rush perfection (:

thiscrazything 1

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Monday 26 March 2012 12:41

Sounds like he gets really excited way too easily.

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Monday 26 March 2012 15:28

My boyfriend has that problem sometimes too.. After like a minute he has to really start to concentrate on something else. It's actually quite funny to watch. I feel your pain though so FYL. He's not even lasting the average 3-5 minutes for a male

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Monday 26 March 2012 19:53

Do it twice? .... 2nd time allways takes longer to come ;)

GoingCommando93 14

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Monday 26 March 2012 20:12

Average 3-5minutes? Wow then my average of 1hr+ is up there huh? I guess you could say I'm the Jordan of sex.

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Monday 26 March 2012 21:45

Or your just trying to impress all the ladys by lying and you've either hadn't had sex in a long time or your in the same boat with him

nofearjenshere 12

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Tuesday 27 March 2012 0:14

I've only had sex once in my life before and I thought it was horrible because he only lasted 5 minutes. I guess it's not as bad as I thought though.

KeyboardWarrior 10

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Tuesday 27 March 2012 1:16

Well considering you're 16, it was probably his first time too, and that's not terrible for a first timer. Better than some people on their 50th.

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Tuesday 27 March 2012 3:32

I read somewhere that apparently 75% of men last about 2 minutes or less in sex.

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Tuesday 27 March 2012 8:57

Tell him to flex his abs constantly and breath as regular as possible. Does wonders to your endurance.

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Wednesday 28 March 2012 5:12

amen

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Monday 26 March 2012 9:00

At least he broke the record. Lol

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Monday 26 March 2012 9:17

Tell you're boyfriend to think about maths or physics while having sexytime - it should work.

LookOnBrightSide 12

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Monday 26 March 2012 9:31

Soon, OP's boyfriend will make a run for the Guinness World Record. Look out world, here he comes!

LMA0 5

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Monday 26 March 2012 9:50

26- You mean here he cums. Which he seems to do awful quickly.

skullcandifiedDJ 5

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Monday 26 March 2012 10:05

That might not be such a bad thing, cause some guys (like me) find it extremely difficult to climax during sex. Which by the way, really SUCKS

LMA0 5

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Monday 26 March 2012 10:06

42- You were born to be a porn star.

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Monday 26 March 2012 14:57

Hmm I was expecting someone to say "shut up OP atleast he has a penis"

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Monday 26 March 2012 17:31

Nah 43, male porn stars have to be able to cum on command.

Jiplo 18

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Monday 26 March 2012 23:58

Hey, if you don't believe in yourself, you're likely to give up, so make sure he believes in himself and maybe he'll get better!

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Monday 26 March 2012 9:00

my ex was a 2 pump chump !! feel very special lol

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Monday 26 March 2012 10:32

What?

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Monday 26 March 2012 11:19

In, out. In, out. Done. This is my interpretation. :)

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Monday 26 March 2012 11:24

Don't feel bad OP, I used to date a guy that would BRAG that all he'd give was '2 pumps and a bear down'...

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Monday 26 March 2012 9:02

At least he's improving right?

PostItSticker 11

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Monday 26 March 2012 9:02

You can tell he has great stamina.

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Monday 26 March 2012 9:04

Doesn't matter, had sex.

onlychildFTW 33

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Monday 26 March 2012 22:55

Exactly! He had sex for 2 mins, he broke the record, he came. What's not good about that? He must be a try hard to finish that fast.

nofearjenshere 12

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Tuesday 27 March 2012 0:07

Best 2 minutes of my life!

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Monday 26 March 2012 9:04

It's the thought that counts.

Jamesdean1956 0

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Monday 26 March 2012 9:04

What a waste

LMA0 5

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Monday 26 March 2012 10:00

Waste of what? It certainly wasn't a waste of time because it was still good for the few minutes they had sex, so the only thing it could be a waste of is cum... Did you have something you'd rather do with his jizz? Eh..?

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Monday 26 March 2012 20:37

"Gail swallows"! (Mic feedback)

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Tuesday 27 March 2012 0:24

One of the best comedies out there!

LonggUsernameee 0

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Monday 26 March 2012 9:06

Tell him I said congratz~

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Monday 26 March 2012 9:07

At least he's improving...

Nearly

Today, a tech came to repair my cracked phone screen. He told me to remove my case and took it to his van in my driveway to fix it. Thirty minutes later, he rings my doorbell and hands me my phone back. He says he fixed the screen but tripped and dropped it walking back to my house, and completely shattered the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46

You deserved it 3

Today, my girlfriend called off our plans to get married, all because I didn't “make enough time” while I was busy renovating the house for her parents to come over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 140

You deserved it 10

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I swear I'm off men for good after my latest dud date wanted me to pee on his chest to turn him on, and we were only 20 minutes into the first date. The entire male gender are disgusting pigs, no matter how nice they pretend to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 327

You deserved it 396

Today, my 9 year-old son told me that sometimes he gets stiff “down there.” I assured him that it’s perfectly normal, but then he added that it only happens when he hears his stomach growling. Um, what? FML

I agree, your life sucks 468

You deserved it 61