Today, I found out my teacher writes descriptions next to people's names on the register to remind him who people were. By mistake the descriptions appeared on the computer projector. Next to my name it said "Tubby". FML
Today, it's the first birthday of the condom in my pocket. FML
Today, I found out why my girlfriend has lost interest in our relationship. She's found out she likes drinking. A lot. FML
Today, I decided to go get my hair cut because it was getting a bit long. I told the lady that I wanted it way short and she replied "Why? You will look like a guy sweetie." I am a guy. FML
Today, as my boyfriend was unbuttoning my pants to go down on me, he looked at me and said in his best robot voice, "Caution, contents may be stinky." FML
Today, I attended my first day of school 4 days after reconstructive surgery. But no worries: I'm sure my alien-like appearance and 2 hours of Darth Vader style breathing in an otherwise silent test room will make me lots of friends. FML
carobee tells us more.
carobee 3
Hi, OP here! I had an accident, and therefore could not choose the date of the surgery. My face was severely smashed up, my nose broken and my jaw wired shut. It was a summer class and I missed the first 3 days, so by the time I was well enough to go they were already testing. The class was a pre-req I needed for my next year of class, my senior year. I didn't want to graduate late from college, as I am a pre med student and want to take the mcat next summer. I was not seriously worried about making friends, it was just funny to get so many strange looks. Anyway thanks for all the sweet comments, I'm doing much better now and look back to normal!!
Today, my dad sat me down for a talk. After the talk, he wasn't my dad anymore. FML
Today, I got nominated to sit in a chair in the middle of the gym during a high school rally while the entire school got to throw paper balls at me. FML
Today, I was small talking with an elderly man, who told me that nobody cares about him. Even though I had only known him for an hour, to try and make him feel a little better I told him I care about him. He then called me a creep, stomped his cane onto my foot, and walked off. FML
Today, after years of insomnia and going to doctors to help get a regular sleeping pattern, I finally fell asleep without the help of medication, only to dream about being chased by an angry seal and singing to Rihanna with a horse. This is probably why I don't sleep. FML
Today, I realized I'm so socially awkward that I can't even talk to Siri without stuttering. FML
Today, I found a wasp in my kitchen, so I opened the back door and left the room for 10 minutes in the hope that it would fly away. Upon returning, I found that there were now three wasps, a vicious cat, and a very panicked pigeon crashing around the room. FML
Today, my boyfriend proposed to me with the prettiest, most simple ring I have ever seen. I called my sister to tell her the good news, and her response was, "I know. He had me steal the ring from Claire's." FML
Today, my parents told me that they've been having a contest to see who could punish me the most this week. So far, my mom is in the lead by kicking me out of the car near railroad tracks, and making me walk the 4 miles home in the freezing rain. FML
Today, as I got to my first class seat on an airplane, I saw the person I'd be sitting next to wafting the smell of her vagina towards herself and breathing in deeply. It's an eight hour flight. FML
Today, I actually had to explain to two of my friends that neither Alaska nor Nebraska are in Canada. I think I need new friends. FML
Today, I put a tampon in. The string broke. I had to go to the hospital to get it out. FML
Today, my teacher used an online program and accused me of plagiarism. According to the program, I plagiarized my own last name. FML
zoegirl_455 tells us more.
zoegirl_455 30
Surprised this got posted guess it's twenty times the charm. So yes this fml needs a ton of explanation. The program my teacher used is turn it in. My percentage of plagiarism is 22%. Some of what is highlighted as plagiarism is my works cited and my last name, there's also some parts of sentences that are apparently plagiarized also. The paper was on historical events so much of what is highlighted are dates, names, and events. The things that my teacher said were "word from word from turn it in" were descriptions of historical events and similar things, and they were phrases, not whole sentences. When I looked at the source of plagiarism my words were apparently copied from a website I've never heard of, a student paper that I'm pretty sure is from another state, and a website I did use as a source in my paper and did cite. I did not plagiarize my paper, I spent a whole week writing it and a good portion of my weekend editing it. The most frustrating thing is that many people from my class spit out a paper two hours before it was due and got a higher grade. I am planning to talk to my teacher after school and clear this up. It's pretty ridiculous because in all my 12 years of school I've never been accused of this sooo I'm hoping my teacher will be able to understand. To clear up the meaning of the FML, I was trying to say that my teacher basically used some program on the Internet to accuse me of plagiarism that just highlights anything that is remotely similar to something else, which resulted in a higher percentage of plagiarism. Hopefully this explanation wasn't too confusing and this cleared everything up!
Today, it transpired that my mom has been spending her stint in prison trying to play matchmaker for me, going so far as to call one of her finds, "good breeding stock". Apparently, I don't already have enough criminals in my life; last September I was the only member of my family of 5 not locked up. FML
Grand_Cookie tells us more.
Grand_Cookie 21
Haha!! Thanks for the support and funny comments! I am a guy and these people she talks about are women and aren't there for anything violent. A few of them have drug/alcohol problems and the rest like to steal things which are also pretty much the same things my entire family did to get locked up at the same time along with some other stuff I don't feel like listing. The sad part is that some of them seem better then the semi-insane girls I usually end up talking to.
Today, my boyfriend reckoned that he has a better sleep when he falls asleep with his hand on either my boobs or my ass. I kind of just laughed it off. I later discovered he's 100% correct when he put his hand on my butt, and not five minutes later was snoring. FML
Today, I gave my boyfriend a blowjob for the first time. This is the moment he chooses to exclaim, "Wow, you really do have a lot of dandruff!" FML
Today, after a huge fight, my girlfriend started coming onto me. I thought it was actual make-up sex and went along with it. It was great, until she suddenly shoved me off her just as I was almost ready to come. She smugly announced she was dumping me, got dressed, then left. FML
Today, a few of my friends arranged for us to go skinny-dipping with the guy I really like. It went really well, until a turd surfaced before our eyes. After we scrambled out of the pool in panic, my crush called us all freaks and left. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were in Victoria's Secret. I saw a picture of a model and said, "I wish I looked like that." He replied with, "Me too." FML
Today, I confronted my girlfriend about cheating on me. Her response was that it's not cheating since she is getting paid. FML
Today, getting off a bus, it was pouring rain so I got my umbrella out. A man elbowed me in the gut and grabbed it. When I told my mom about it she said, "That's New York, get over it." FML
Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. Thinking I was being cute I spelled out "Marry Me" in alphabet soup, because that's her favorite. She took one look at it and started to laugh. She then began to spell out "no". She still ate the soup. FML
Today, a real estate agent showed my house to some buyers. I found out when I exited the shower, fully nude, to them in the hallway. FML
Today, I got out of the shower to find my cat staring up at me. Apparently my swinging penis looks like a cat toy to her, so she jumped up and clawed and tried to bite it. FML
Today, I taught my kid how to mow the lawn. It's a self-propelling mower so it's easy to handle. My kid thought it would be smart to tie the handle down so that he wouldn't have to push it at all. This resulted in the lawn mower blasting through our fence and sinking into my neighbor's pool. FML
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