Animals: Today, I got out of the shower to find my cat staring up at me.... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 95

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 11:00

Spicy

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 267

You deserved it 33

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 497

You deserved it 134

11/09/2009 20:46

Today, I got out of the shower to find my cat staring up at me. Apparently my swinging penis looks like a cat toy to her, so she jumped up and clawed and tried to bite it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 861

You deserved it 7 298

Another great day to be alive

Pseudoscience [gone sexual!!]

Bye bye asshat

22/08/2016 01:03

Today, I gave my boss 2 weeks notice for me leaving work, as I had received a better job offer with twice the pay. I thought he took it well until I heard him mutter under his breath, "About fucking time." FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 231

You deserved it 1 602

01/06/2019 00:00

Today, I went to the campus health office because I had some VERY strong pains in my side. I thought my appendix was about to burst. I asked the receptionist for a doctor, but she said they were all out of the office until later, and kindly offered to make me an appointment for mid June. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 677

You deserved it 112

08/08/2014 06:13

Today, my boss pretty much told me that I'm too ugly to meet clients, and should stay in the office doing the paperwork. So basically, I'm a modern day Hunchback of Notre Dame. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 686

You deserved it 3 812

24/11/2018 13:30

Today, I had a horrible headache on my way home from lunch. I pulled over and vomited so forcefully I peed my pants, a lot. I had pee in my shoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 115

You deserved it 216

03/12/2015 05:33

Today, I burped in front of my crush. Well, not really in front of him. I turned around mid-burp and noticed him, not knowing anyone was there. The surprise made me scream a little, which only amplified the burp. So I made this mighty belch-turned-scream noise, while maintaining eye contact with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 188

You deserved it 2 612

24/11/2012 11:54

Today, I told my boss that I quit, and handed in my two week's notice. A couple of hours later, I found my letter of resignation had been photocopied and copies hung all around the office with "Best day ever" written on the bottom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 946

You deserved it 5 277

06/01/2016 18:01

Today, I found out my mom can't wait until I turn 18, so she can kick me out and turn my room into a huge closet for all her clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 185

You deserved it 2 015

24/02/2009 11:57

Spicy

Today, I was on an Easyjet flight, next to two attractive girls, listening to a track which starts with a woman pleasuring herself. I don't like this track so I go to skip it but accidentally unplug my headphones, activating my phone speakers and revealing the said woman at the peak of her orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 989

You deserved it 56 533

17/03/2016 13:21

Today, I got a heads-up that my boss suffered a death in the family, but was coming into work anyway. I thought he'd be depressed, but it seems he deals with grief with anger instead. I found that out when he yelled at me, threatening to rip my spine out my ass over a typo I made in a report. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 820

You deserved it 1 382

03/08/2018 19:00

Today, my best friend of 10 years blocked me for no reason. When I went to her house to ask why she did it and apologize for whatever it was, she told me to kill myself and slammed the door. I still don't know what I did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 034

You deserved it 306

27/02/2011 05:07

Today, I started lessons on snowboarding. As soon as I got to the top of the hill, my instructor pushed me saying, "Just believe, it'll come to you!" He said this just before I hit a tree, breaking my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 317

You deserved it 3 414

Quickie

By Anonymous - 18/04/2020 23:00

Spicy

Today, I realised that unless I masturbate about an hour before sex, sex lasts less than 20 seconds, but even after masturbating I’m still lucky to last a single minute. I don’t know how to stop disappointing her, and she’s my first serious girlfriend. I’m pathetic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 748

You deserved it 458

20/06/2012 16:41

Today, after careful consideration, I told my wife I really want to have kids. She laughed, until she finally realized I was serious, at which point she flicked me in the balls and said, "Problem solved." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 691

You deserved it 3 742

30/05/2010 08:05

Today, I found out that my girlfriend of five months is pregnant. Apparently, she stopped taking her pill two months ago because "we" wanted a baby. I don't recall ever having that discussion with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 594

You deserved it 9 777

Alexa, play "Just Make it Stop" by Low

By Spanish Steps - 19/09/2021 07:59

Today, I got stoned with the clowns at the birthday party I took my niece to. This is a new low point. FML

I agree, your life sucks 262

You deserved it 892

04/03/2010 05:03

Today, my guy, who is a PhD candidate, informed me that it is his goal in life to own every Will Ferrell movie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 463

You deserved it 12 300

Surprising

By Anonymous - 28/11/2019 20:00

Today, my younger sister had some friends over at ours. I was in the shower but was horrified to realize my clothes and towel were gone. Figuring that she took them, I tried to make it to my room without being seen, but one of her friends came up to use the bathroom. She saw everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 041

You deserved it 296

02/04/2012 14:02

Today, my boyfriend gave me a hickey. On my forehead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 365

You deserved it 10 115

31/10/2010 02:14

Today, my boyfriend, who is a great cook, decided to try his hand at baking. The cookies he made looked weird but tasted good. I jokingly said, "They taste great, but they look awful!" He responded by saying, "I could say the same thing about you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 859

You deserved it 27 318

10/02/2014 18:57

Today, trying to do something nice for my brother, I filled up his truck's gas tank. I didn't realize until too late that it's a diesel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 242

You deserved it 22 095

Pay up

By wasntme - 10/05/2020 08:00

Today, I got a bill for $62.70 because my company gave my last work car to some idiot who doesn't like to pay the toll road fees. They never took me off the registration. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 596

You deserved it 96

26/01/2014 00:33

Today, I told my friend I would pay him to ask out the ugliest girl he knew. He asked out my girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 913

You deserved it 52 806

01/12/2015 16:39

Today, my extremely religious grandmother disowned me for watching Supernatural. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 381

You deserved it 2 749

Not now, dude!

By sammy - 26/03/2020 04:59

Today, I was working at the checkout. Trying to be hygienic, I suppressed a sneeze. I continued to serve the next person. As I was giving her her change, she looked at me with a horrified expression. I looked down and my shirt was covered in a trail of snot all the way to my belt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 551

You deserved it 498

Thanks guys

By Anonymous - 05/06/2010 10:36

Today, it was my co-worker's birthday but she told me not to mention it. Feeling bad for her, I went out to buy her a card, a present, and even a small cake. It turns out that there was actually a party during our lunch break, and I was the only one in our office not invited. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 297

You deserved it 3 571

Help, I'm stranded!

By LexMarie12 - 15/03/2017 18:00

Today, at work, it was so windy that it started taking the door off its hinges. The door now won't close all the way. I can't leave until someone comes to fix it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 674

You deserved it 333

14/12/2011 21:21

Today, I was giving a presentation at work, when I said, "But we could care less about that." My boss asked if I meant, "Couldn't care less." Wanting to avoid embarrassment, I tried to think up an excuse, only to end up blurting that it was my phone's auto-correct. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 566

You deserved it 35 171

02/10/2011 22:57

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting frisky. She got my cock out, stopped, and told me it looked like "Rufus the naked mole rat." She spent the next 20 minutes showing me pictures, describing in detail why they looked similar, and laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 991

You deserved it 4 806

29/01/2019 02:00

Today, I was working on an art commission for some random kid's OC and I didn't notice that I made the nose look like a man's private parts. The mother was upset and spammed my mailbox. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 829

You deserved it 452

Misheard

By not what she said - 01/06/2020 20:00

Today, I was on a Zoom call. My sister offered to go get lunch and I told her, "Don’t forget the baguettes." One overly sensitive coworker swears I used a derogatory slur that sounds the same. I didn’t. However, I’m still going to be investigated by my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 653

You deserved it 114

18/01/2011 08:28

Today, I was at the grocery store with my dad. He let out a very silent but foul abomination of a fart. The people behind us started gagging, so he turned, pointed at me and said "That was my daughter." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 086

You deserved it 3 819

31/01/2009 15:30

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me and while trying to make a dramatic exit, I slammed his car door, slipped on the ice and landed on my back in front of a large crowd of onlookers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 111

You deserved it 8 735

04/10/2018 07:30

Today, my ex-boyfriend convinced my current boyfriend to break up with me because "bros before hoes". They met for the first time last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 278

You deserved it 383

15/09/2012 04:44

Today, the gas company came to connect our stove for free. While here, they broke our hot water heater, shut it off, and issued us a hazard notice. We can fix it, but they won't be able to come back for another two weeks to turn the gas back on. We don't have any hot water until then. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 494

You deserved it 1 757

28/06/2011 14:30

Today, my Dad sat me down and told me that I was adopted. I was unbelievably shocked by this revelation and asked him why he'd never told me this before. His response was, "I didn't know!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 506

You deserved it 3 063

25/01/2010 21:46

Today, I cut myself deeply with an expensive razor that advertised it's impossible to cut yourself with. Twice. Guess I always was an overachiever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 370

You deserved it 6 652

27/10/2010 17:19

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said she wanted to stay just friends. Not only did I get denied, apparently we're also "just friends." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 266

You deserved it 3 575

09/09/2010 05:33

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend of 6 months said he wasn't going to break up with me, he was just going to stop touching me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 595

You deserved it 4 625

16/12/2009 12:33

Today, I worked for three hours writing very neat notes with one of those pens that erase. I felt very accomplished, so decided to share it on Facebook. I brought my computer over to my lap on top of my notes. Turns out heat from laptops smudges ink from eraseable pens. I can't read my notes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 584

You deserved it 30 234

20/04/2016 18:54

Today, after breaking up with my boyfriend of 2 years, I was backing out of his driveway when he came running out yelling "STOP!" I thought he wanted to make up so I kept going, until I'd run over his dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 294

You deserved it 35 147

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Top comments

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Saturday 12 September 2009 1:39

"swinging penis"? anyone else find this phrase odd? -_- also, at least you're getting some pussy (:,'

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Saturday 12 September 2009 1:34

Well, at least you got some action!

Comments

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Saturday 12 September 2009 1:33

Ouch.

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Saturday 12 September 2009 1:39

Must of looked meaty.

pippysthename00 0

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Saturday 12 September 2009 3:16

YDI for taking showers regularly with your cat.

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Saturday 22 January 2011 20:27

what a hard break...

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Monday 22 August 2011 5:16

That tiny ehh?

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Saturday 12 September 2009 1:34

Well, at least you got some action!

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 9:48

cant blame the pussy for wanting some dick lol ;p

destructinator1 0

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Tuesday 29 November 2011 22:14

Haha

FweakofCydonia 40

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Monday 5 August 2013 23:49

BDSM type action...LOL

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Saturday 12 September 2009 1:34

She just wanted a smoky link, don't be so sensitive. Obviously it looked tasty.

Lisasimpsonfan 0

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Saturday 12 September 2009 1:37

Two words: Nurse Jackie

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Saturday 12 September 2009 1:37

She just wanted a smoky link, don't be so sensitive. Obviously it looked tasty.

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Saturday 12 September 2009 1:39

"swinging penis"? anyone else find this phrase odd? -_- also, at least you're getting some pussy (:,'

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Saturday 12 September 2009 1:42

What's wrong with that phrase?

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Saturday 12 September 2009 1:56

i don't really like picturing swinging penises. especially since i saw that one video on the internets 0-o

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Saturday 12 September 2009 1:57

haha, oh I see

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Saturday 12 September 2009 2:53

Any man who has never attempted meatspins in the bathroom mirror probably doesn't have a big enough penis to pull it off. For those who do, it's absolutely hilarious and you should do it daily

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Saturday 12 September 2009 3:19

SOMEBODY's penis doesn't swing

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Saturday 12 September 2009 3:38

idk why you guys replied to my post, #34 and #39 because your posts really didn't have anything to do with what i said but w/e. why would a penis swing if the guy isn't doing meatspins anyway?

MadeOfAwesome 1

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Saturday 12 September 2009 4:43

Yeah, that phrase kinda disturbs me. Not. A. Good. Visual.

volcomxbabiix3 0

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Saturday 12 September 2009 4:56

lmfao that made my day! YDI for not shutting ur door and leting ur penis attracted cat in. btw i hope the cat is a girl.... xD

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Saturday 12 September 2009 7:58

*penis-attracted

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Saturday 12 September 2009 12:30

@ #78, You know right, that not everyone is still living with their parents? Perhaps the OP lives on his own?

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Monday 14 September 2009 4:58

ewww reminds me of the part on bruno

volcomxbabiix3 0

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Tuesday 15 September 2009 4:33

who gives a shit. its just a dash.

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Sunday 28 February 2010 7:24

93: I put my towel on after I get of the shower. Cats are fast and can things very quickly. I don't know what kind of idiot puts there towel on in the shower. and who showers with the door open? OP: relax, your cat was tring to give you a BJ pussy style

Ohnothingreally 0

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Saturday 12 September 2009 1:40

........ O_O;;

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Saturday 12 September 2009 1:42

What a whore!

guitarman78965 0

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Saturday 12 September 2009 1:42

Well that's why cats suck

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Saturday 12 September 2009 1:43

im pretty sure this is a repost