Love: Today, I realized I'm so socially awkward that I can't even talk... - FML

By stopstutteringforSiri - 05/01/2014 21:59 - United States

Today, I realized I'm so socially awkward that I can't even talk to Siri without stuttering. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 910

You deserved it 6 082

Walk the line

One man and his lawn

What happened?

Sounds illegal

By Anonymous - 03/10/2019 00:01

Today, I got a lot of tips at work, but little did I know our boss takes it out of our paychecks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 873

You deserved it 115

By Swaby - 01/03/2009 08:14 - Hong Kong

Today, I found out I could not go to the Philippines because I have never had Chicken Pox. The school took the radical decision to prohibit students who have never had Chicken Pox to leave the college. I am condemned to stay in Hong Kong in some shitty project because I am a healthy young man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 993

You deserved it 4 445

By ayeayeboy19 - 11/09/2014 14:57 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, I was watching "My Strange Addiction". The woman featured ate rocks. While judging her weird habit, I realised I was chewing on a coat-hanger the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 911

You deserved it 14 209

By Sean - 14/08/2016 04:00 - Canada - Toronto

Today, as I was crossing a street, a car hit me and broke two of my ribs. The driver was too busy paying attention to his girlfriend who was giving him a blowjob from the passenger seat. I could see the look of ecstasy on his face as he rammed into me and drove off without noticing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 025

You deserved it 1 004

By ewwgross - 20/05/2011 23:29 - United States

Today, at my hairdressing job, my first client of the day came in for a cut. Her hair smelled awful, and when I asked her why, she informed me that she'd gotten trashed with some friends the night before, and one of them had puked in her hair. She came to me to get it cleaned out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 121

You deserved it 3 639

By Anonymous - 03/05/2009 23:22 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was about to lose my virginity with my girlfriend of 2 years, when I got an urgent phone call from my 9-year-old sister, telling me I had to come home immediately. My grandma fell off the toilet and got stuck between the bowl and the wall. I'm not making this up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 306 383

You deserved it 20 765

Get your facts straight

By Anonymous - 16/02/2010 02:09 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Why? Because apparently her friends have seen me hanging out with a hot girl, giving her long hugs and making her laugh. That "hot girl" is my sister, who got back from studying abroad a week ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 703

You deserved it 2 737

By the hated - 09/07/2013 02:02 - United States - Absecon

Today, a friend thought it would be funny to make a R.I.P. page for me on Facebook. Most liked post? "Too bad this page is fake." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 836

You deserved it 5 434

By Username - 28/05/2010 06:20 - France

Today, it was the hottest day of the year so I opened my sun roof. The hottest day of the year was followed by the biggest storm of the year. I forgot to close my sun roof and my car is now flooded. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 141

You deserved it 32 557

By lmiller - 24/01/2010 03:29 - United States

Today, when I logged onto facebook, I discovered a friend request from my ex who broke up with me and deleted me months ago. Upon adding her, I was taken to her profile where I saw dozens of status updates talking about how much she loves her new boyfriend, who she dumped me for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 679

You deserved it 9 786

Instadrama

By etahrabayraa - 27/06/2020 08:08

Today, I was stalking a popular girl from my high school's account and my phone went bonkers. It looks like I liked and disliked the same video of hers over and over. I disabled my Instagram account. FML

I agree, your life sucks 623

You deserved it 1 445

By anon - 07/02/2017 01:00 - United Kingdom - Ely

Today, when I went over a bump, I was assaulted by a badly-fitted bicycle seat. I've been walking like John Wayne all afternoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 039

You deserved it 766

By wellthen - 12/07/2016 21:35 - United States - Clarksville

Today, I was at a rodeo warming up while my mom unnecessarily bragged about my training skills to a client. My horse then threw me into a gate at a full gallop, in front of everyone. That was the first time he'd ever misbehaved. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 255

You deserved it 965

Bad data

By maida - 02/06/2021 04:01

Today, I discovered my mother has been replacing my chronic pain meds with sugar pills, to prove to me that "the placebo effect is real and works on everyone." No wonder I’ve been in excruciating pain for days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 130

You deserved it 58

By GK - 08/05/2009 11:20 - Australia

Today, in my class I was nominated for the guy with the worst hairdo. I don't know what is worse, the fact that I was nominated or the fact that I felt let down when I did not win. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 815

You deserved it 7 730

By fire1 - 25/10/2011 04:30 - United States

Today, working as an EMT on an ambulance, we had a patient who refused to accept that he had a massive GI bleed, despite the fact that bloody stool was flowing from his anus all over my ambulance. To make things worse, my EMT ride-along student puked all over the patient. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 101

You deserved it 2 312

By Wallz99 - 19/04/2013 06:00 - Pakistan - Plot

Spicy

Today, my long-distance girlfriend drunk dialed me and told me she was horny. Surprised, I exclaimed, "You're horny?" without realizing my boss was right next to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 257

You deserved it 23 285

By Debbie - 23/02/2009 14:16 - United States

Today, I drove to a job interview. I had to sneeze, but because I was driving on the highway, I didn't let go of the wheel to cover my mouth. I didn't know the sneeze was a "productive" one until I was sitting in the interview, looked down at my new blouse and saw the giant lugie sitting there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 338

You deserved it 8 902

Not on a plane

By Surewhatever - 16/10/2019 14:01

Today, when I warned my guests to check the toilet for snakes, I meant it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 398

You deserved it 117

By dasnich - 05/02/2012 03:46 - United States

Spicy

Today, after a twelve week dry spell followed by an eight week one, I decided to take a bit more initiative at seducing my girlfriend. Not only was she "not in the mood" again, but she offered me Trident Layers gum instead. She apparently thought that it was a fair trade. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 705

You deserved it 5 363

By Anonymous - 04/05/2009 16:51 - United States

Today, I asked my mom if she thought I was straight. She looked at me and said "Well, that's really up to you honey. But your father and I would still love you." I was asking if she thought I had parked straight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 983

You deserved it 12 659

By fatgirl4 - 20/07/2009 23:31 - United States

Today, I was at the gym running with intensity on the treadmill. As I was working out, I noticed a few guys behind me staring at me. I figured they were checking me out because I was losing some weight and looking better. Turns out they were betting on how much longer "Fat Ass" could last. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 005

You deserved it 6 609

By ttsutaoka - 11/07/2009 07:43 - United States

Today, I was involved in a car accident. I wasn't the driver of either car. I happened to be a passerby that was hit by a falling stop sign as a car hit it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 000

You deserved it 2 776

By Anonymous - 10/06/2010 19:26 - United States

Today, I walked into work to see my boss's hot son. I wanted him to notice me, so I did my "sexy walk". I then slipped and fell onto my desk, broke my desk, and sprained my wrist. Oh he noticed me alright. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 309

You deserved it 50 187

By PmS - 08/03/2009 07:16 - United States

Today, I was going over to my friends house for dinner, (it was my birthday) when I walked in everyone yelled surprise and then turned on the lights. When my friend looked over at me she said "wrong person guys, turn off the lights". FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 561

You deserved it 3 324

By Anonymous - 16/07/2009 01:53 - United States

Today, my friend got drunk. He always pukes when he gets drunk, but I decided to drive him home anyway. He didn't puke the whole ride. We arrived at his house and he got out. Right as I was about to drive away he stumbled back to my car because he forgot his wallet. He grabbed it and puked on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 329

You deserved it 6 059

By yankesik - 03/01/2016 22:42 - Poland - Kalisz

Today, I sneezed hard while eating some quite spicy potato chips at my friend's house. Some of the chips passed to the nasal cavity, and I ended up having to pick my nose for some pointy, spicy chips shrapnel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 214

You deserved it 1 812

Bizarre Love Triangle

By Anonymous - 23/06/2020 08:08

Spicy

Today, after going down on me and dry humping me in bed, my boyfriend told me he was having second thoughts about me while I was away for a few days. Apparently, he spent time with my best friend who set us up. She asked him to hypothetically propose to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 618

You deserved it 152

Bad start

By Kathryn - 28/10/2021 07:59 - United States

Today, I was getting ready for school and stepped out on my porch to go wait for the bus. I literally said out loud, “Today is gonna be a good day.” I took one step and fell all the way down the stairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 939

You deserved it 130

By It was the 11 year old - 21/07/2012 08:00 - United States - Austin

Today, I overheard my 11-year-old son giving my 8-year-old daughter the sex talk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 845

You deserved it 5 004

By Billz - 10/04/2019 00:00

Today, I was moving into my new apartment. I moved in a couple of bags and realized I really needed to poop. It’s been 10 minutes since I realized I hadn’t brought the toilet paper in yet. No one to bring me any. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 742

You deserved it 439

By furryfriend - 16/09/2014 18:46 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I was home sick and playing with my dog. I suddenly felt the urge to throw up, so I sprinted to the bathroom. My dog thought this was an invitation to chase me and tackle me to the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 032

You deserved it 3 946

By Anonymous - 10/01/2012 17:43 - India

Today, I received a letter from the state saying my 14-year-old daughter is now legally recognized as a male. I have no idea what happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 316

You deserved it 5 042

By yolonono - 04/12/2014 18:30 - United States - San Francisco

Today, while I was on a field trip with my son, my husband decided to get rid of our dog without asking anyone. Now I get to pick up the pieces of a broken heart, and he thinks he did nothing wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 812

You deserved it 3 002

Repo Man

By Anonymous - 15/01/2022 11:01 - United States - Moore

Today, I rented rented car from an app for a family function. Turns out it was in default and was repossessed while I was there. I had to ride three hours back home with my girlfriend's dad, who probably thinks I don't pay my bills. FML

I agree, your life sucks 736

You deserved it 101

By ouch - 08/03/2011 15:50 - United Kingdom

Today, my friend convinced me that a staple gun doesn't work on skin. I decided to put this new piece of information to the test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 636

You deserved it 99 458

Stuck together

By Anonymous - 11/12/2020 02:02 - United States - Wynnewood

Today, my mother is acting pissy because I poured my drink out on our front lawn. Apparently, this was, "ridiculous and embarrassing." Meanwhile, COVID is surging and it looks like I'll be quarantining with her. Kill me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 632

You deserved it 1 045

By AbsolutelyEffed - 19/02/2009 16:57 - United States

Today, I woke up at 5 and studied for my 9:30am exam for 4 hours. When I left my dorm at 9, it was dark outside. Turns out I slept through the entire day and woke up at 5pm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 051

You deserved it 30 467

Deception

By bobthenun - 20/03/2013 21:16 - United States - Santa Barbara

Today, I went out to a restaurant to meet a girl that I met online. When I arrived, I texted her and she said she was wearing a blue shirt. The only person that was wearing anything blue was a fat man smiling in the corner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 178

You deserved it 10 742

By Anonymous - 11/08/2018 01:30

Today, I didn't see the cat in the bathroom before I took my pants down, and the beast tore open my ballsack. The doctor says I might lose my left testicle, depending on how the surgery goes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 765

You deserved it 328

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Top comments

zgomon 10

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Monday 6 January 2014 9:38

Well she is rather intimidating.

ThatOneDrummer 8

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Monday 6 January 2014 9:38

Change it to the male voice to avoid further issues operating Siri.

Comments

ThatOneDrummer 8

Send a private message

Monday 6 January 2014 9:38

Change it to the male voice to avoid further issues operating Siri.

Send a private message

Monday 6 January 2014 10:18

You're assuming OP is a guy and straight?

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Monday 6 January 2014 10:40

There's a male voice????

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Monday 6 January 2014 11:44

did you get that one from The Big Bang Theory?

iLike2Teabag 27

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Monday 6 January 2014 11:47

Yea there is a male voice that you can switch to in settings. Not sure if it would help though

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Monday 6 January 2014 19:47

Siri can be intimidating sometimes, because that bitch knows everything.

ThatOneDrummer 8

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Monday 6 January 2014 21:38

Worth a shot at least. Maybe start off with cleverbot and work your way up to talking to more human-like robot voices.

zgomon 10

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Monday 6 January 2014 9:38

Well she is rather intimidating.

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Monday 6 January 2014 9:39

siri-fied

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Monday 6 January 2014 9:40

Go to a bar and meet a girl!

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Monday 6 January 2014 10:02

He would stutter himself into another dimension.

onlychildFTW 33

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Monday 6 January 2014 10:29

It isn't as easy done when you're socially awkward/anxious.

Hiimhaileypotter 52

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Monday 6 January 2014 13:36

It's funny how people without anxiety say "Oh, just try new things and meet new people!" It's not that easy for everyone, we're not all social butterflies.

TheCrispyCat 20

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Monday 6 January 2014 15:45

Introverts and Extroverts

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Monday 6 January 2014 9:40

At least you're not romantically involved with her :D

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Monday 6 January 2014 10:05

Says who?

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Monday 6 January 2014 11:54

I've proposed to siri several times

VampOfSavannah 31

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Monday 6 January 2014 9:43

You're fired.

BoltTheSuperdog 22

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Monday 6 January 2014 9:45

Rajesh from the Big Bang Theory?

glabberfasted 16

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Monday 6 January 2014 11:18

Wasn't there an episode where he started dating Siri because she was so easy to talk to? I just watched it a few weeks ago.

davidpropert 32

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Monday 6 January 2014 21:07

Going off #30, OP i suggest alcohol, it works for Raj! And after all it is called 'liquid courage'

Madridsta1999 7

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Tuesday 7 January 2014 8:55

I thought of the same thing But at least Raj talks to Siri comfortably! Maybe its his booze talking.

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Monday 6 January 2014 9:50

I bet Siri is your only contact on your phone book

ThatFancyPenn 18

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Monday 6 January 2014 10:01

Oh don't worry. She only has all of your information and sends it to Apple so that they can send it to the government. Don't worry about it, she's got nothing!

myusername83 10

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Monday 6 January 2014 17:32

Now I'm scared to talk to Siri...

Send a private message

Monday 6 January 2014 10:06

You're rehired.

Nearly

Today I ripped my lovely £50 coat on barbed wire, what I only worn a hand full of times, ended up having to spend £10 to get it repaired, have to wait till Friday to pick it up, it’s only Tuesday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11

You deserved it 14

Today, a tech came to repair my cracked phone screen. He told me to remove my case and took it to his van in my driveway to fix it. Thirty minutes later, he rings my doorbell and hands me my phone back. He says he fixed the screen but tripped and dropped it walking back to my house, and completely shattered the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I spent all day waiting for an unlikely follow up text from the girl from Tinder I let peg me on the first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 386

You deserved it 1 062

Today, I swear I'm off men for good after my latest dud date wanted me to pee on his chest to turn him on, and we were only 20 minutes into the first date. The entire male gender are disgusting pigs, no matter how nice they pretend to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 839

You deserved it 1 207