Today, I came home from class to find a nasty note on my roommate's toaster oven. Apparently, cleaning it once a week isn't enough, and she wants it cleaned right after using it, which she never told me all school year. I'm banned from using it. FML
Today, during sex I said my side dick's name instead of my boyfriend. He isn't speaking to me now. FML
Today, I accidentally discovered thanks to my friends that I can do Tim Allen's "Home Improvement" grunt almost perfectly. Now every time my friends see me, they ask me to do it. One of them just showed me the Sonic Mania video where every sound is replaced by the grunt. This is going to get old extremely fast. FML
Today, as I was getting dressed after a shower, I spent a good 30 seconds searching for my underwear… which I'd already put on at that point. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I introduced our parents to each other, and they seemed to have already met somewhere, so I asked them about it. At first they seemed shifty, then guilty, then admitted everything. They’ve actually known each other for decades as part of the same swingers group. FML
Today, I learned that not only do I have bacterial vaginosis, but I ALSO have gonorrhea from a hookup. The only symptoms I'm having? Anal itching. FML
Today, the dorm above me had their toilet pipe break and leak through my ceiling, so I have to move rooms. The worst part was I answered the door to let the repairman in while I was in pajamas, but he looked uncomfortable. I didn't notice until he left that my 'thing' was poking out. FML
Today, while waiting at a bus stop, I took one Airpod out of my ear to put it in its case. However, it slipped out of my hand, and at that exact time, the bus pulled over and instantly crushed it. A replacement bud costs $95. FML
Today, I'm more interested in Facebook stalking a former coworker than seeing what my girlfriend is doing on a business trip. On her birthday. For a week. Where she insisted on staying in her ex's spare bedroom. That she decorated for him. FML
Today, I overheard this girl I don't really know say that she had cramps. Trying to be helpful, I turned round and told her she should stretch out where she had them. She then asked how the fuck she was supposed to stretch her ovaries. FML
Today, my husband is furious with me for hurting his daughter’s feelings. Neither he nor his ex make her shower and she smells disgusting! It’s nearly impossible to even sit in the same room with her, as her odor changes the smell of the entire space. All I did was suggest a bath and she cried. FML
Today, after having a fight with my BFF, she invited me to come along to a party. I found out later that she'd only invited me so that when returning from the event, we could take a taxi and split the cost. FML
Today, at lunch, my seven-year-old daughter and I had a chat. I asked her if she had a sweetheart. She said, "My sex life is none of your business." FML
Today, tanning session on a heavenly beach in Bali. A local seller came to me and showed me the swimsuits that she was selling. She also add with a big smile: “I have big size for you!” FML
Today, after deactivating my Facebook page 4 days ago for stalking reasons - as in me stalking my ex - I reactivated it for approximately 3 minutes to see what his status update was, then deactivated it again. I'm just THAT pathetic. FML
Today, my girlfriend tried to look at my phone and I turned it away from her. Now she’s convinced I’m cheating on her. In reality, I’m too embarrassed to admit it’s because Facebook is showing me nonstop ads for laxatives after I ordered some two days ago. FML
Today, I overheard my husband admitting that he doesn’t wash his hands after having diarrhea. I had no prior knowledge of this. FML
Today, I replaced the broken hot plates in my stove, only to realize that something else is broken, and it's still is not usable. I had to change it all back before I could even heat dinner. This was after I had carried the thing up and down the stairs by myself, and spent an entire afternoon cleaning it. FML
Today, I was giving a friend a neck rub when she started to breathe heavily. I figured she was getting into it, so I started kissing her neck. She then turned around and said, "Tell my roommate I'm having an asthma attack." FML
Today, my economics teacher gives us a lot of photocopies, so I told her that she kills pandas by wasting so much paper. One of the girls in my class said, “No way! They use pandas to make paper?” FML
Today, I heard a conversation between my mom and dad. I’m an only child but my mom is 5 months pregnant. My dad was saying, “Don’t worry, this one’s going to be alright.” FML
Today, and for a while now, my phone has been autocorrecting "I love you" to "I lobsters." My girlfriend almost believes I have some sort of a seafood fetish. FML
Today, I was running late for an important meeting and couldn't find my car keys. After searching around for way too long, I finally realised where they were - in the pocket of the pants I'd worn the day before, which were now spinning around in the now-unstoppable, two-hour washing machine cycle. FML
Today, my mom scolded me for ruining my sister's "vacation" here. She just got deported from abroad, and was only gone for 2 months after falling for a marriage scam. Now she deludes to herself that she was born and raised there, and claims not to understand our mother tongue, calling it third world primate language. FML
Today, I went to get an MRI for preventive care. The diagnosis was great, but I ended up having complications with the contrast, so now I have terrible muscle pain and have to see more doctors. I have mixed feelings. FML
Today, I’m a student in China, and I attended a welcoming party for the new students. It consisted of a police officer telling us what’s forbidden, the penalties if we do anything wrong and to avoid bars and nightclubs. FML
Today, I reached out to my mom to confide in her about possibly leaving my cheating husband. She said, "I think you need to stay married and do what you want on the side. That's what I did. I don't even know if your dad is your dad." Apparently she was cheating on my dad when she got pregnant with me. FML
Today, my girlfriend found the engagement ring I'd bought. She looked at it and said, "This is pathetic. You shouldn't even bother." FML
Today, I tried to talk to my soon-to-be-husband about how he needs to take a more active approach in his own life. It devolved to him screaming at me and putting words in my mouth. This has been going on for six months. FML
Today, I went on a blind date. It turned out that the person who I was set up with was my ex's sibling. We spent the whole evening talking about how terrible my ex is. I'm still single, though. FML
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