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Blackmail material

By Anonymous - 09/11/2023 18:00

Today, my wife has video of me asleep on the sofa, clearly having a vivid sex dream, with a raging erection, ending with me having an orgasm that soaked through the front of my shorts, leaving a wet spot, which she helpfully zoomed in on just to really illustrate my shame. FML

I agree, your life sucks 669

You deserved it 189

In training

By Anonymous - 13/12/2023 05:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend loves giving blowjobs; the problem is she is very bad at them, refuses to admit she is bad at them, and cries and stops talking to me every time I try and tell her how to do it better. My knob is red and sore where she keeps catching it with her teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 669

You deserved it 204

Man of steel

By Anonymous - 26/09/2023 00:02

Today, my wife and kids all yelled at me because I was stood at the bookshelf looking for a book, blocking the Wifi router with my body, and their signals all dropped to almost zero, and had stopped them watching videos. FML

I agree, your life sucks 669

You deserved it 168

That's nuts

By Anonymous - 02/10/2023 14:00

Today, while stressing about our third date, which I had planned to be third date sex night, I binge-ate a bag of peanuts. When he picked me up, the first thing I did was kiss him. He asked me why he could taste peanuts. He never told me he’s allergic. Sex night turned into hospital night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 669

You deserved it 204

Missed it

By Anonymous - 19/10/2022 03:00 - Australia - Oyster Bay

Today, I found the cause of last night's crippling insomnia was the sleeping pill on the kitchen floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 669

You deserved it 237

By eas - 18/07/2009 02:11 - Indonesia

Today, tanning session on a heavenly beach in Bali. A local seller came to me and showed me the swimsuits that she was selling. She also add with a big smile: “I have big size for you!” FML

I agree, your life sucks 669

You deserved it 101

By Anonyme - 06/03/2014 10:23 - China - Dalian

Today, I’m a student in China, and I attended a welcoming party for the new students. It consisted of a police officer telling us what’s forbidden, the penalties if we do anything wrong and to avoid bars and nightclubs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 669

You deserved it 80

By SadManKillMeNow - 25/05/2019 22:00

Today, after deactivating my Facebook page 4 days ago for stalking reasons - as in me stalking my ex - I reactivated it for approximately 3 minutes to see what his status update was, then deactivated it again. I'm just THAT pathetic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 669

You deserved it 2 930

Policy of truth

By jk. - 20/01/2022 02:01

Today, my girlfriend tried to look at my phone and I turned it away from her. Now she’s convinced I’m cheating on her. In reality, I’m too embarrassed to admit it’s because Facebook is showing me nonstop ads for laxatives after I ordered some two days ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 669

You deserved it 1 156

Now we're cooking

By jules - 01/03/2023 12:00 - Germany

Today, I replaced the broken hot plates in my stove, only to realize that something else is broken, and it's still is not usable. I had to change it all back before I could even heat dinner. This was after I had carried the thing up and down the stairs by myself, and spent an entire afternoon cleaning it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 669

You deserved it 129

He got game

By Facepalm - 17/01/2024 14:00 - United States

Today, I had to explain to my husband, who lost 250 pounds and has never been healthier, that no, he does not get a pass to sleep around to "make up" for all the sex he missed when he was young and fat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 669

You deserved it 172

By Anonyme - 10/01/2011 06:29 - Gabonese Republic

Today, my economics teacher gives us a lot of photocopies, so I told her that she kills pandas by wasting so much paper. One of the girls in my class said, “No way! They use pandas to make paper?” FML

I agree, your life sucks 669

You deserved it 110

The pros and cons of dating

By Fun but pointless date - 28/08/2023 20:00

Today, I went on a blind date. It turned out that the person who I was set up with was my ex's sibling. We spent the whole evening talking about how terrible my ex is. I'm still single, though. FML

I agree, your life sucks 668

You deserved it 145

DO IT! DO THE THING!

By Aaaauuuugh? - 19/10/2022 21:00 - United States

Today, I accidentally discovered thanks to my friends that I can do Tim Allen's "Home Improvement" grunt almost perfectly. Now every time my friends see me, they ask me to do it. One of them just showed me the Sonic Mania video where every sound is replaced by the grunt. This is going to get old extremely fast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 668

You deserved it 174

Brain fart Andy over here

By Anonymous - 17/08/2021 16:01 - Italy

Today, as I was getting dressed after a shower, I spent a good 30 seconds searching for my underwear… which I'd already put on at that point. FML

I agree, your life sucks 668

You deserved it 335

Where's Jackson Galaxy when you need him?

By Catscratchfever - 24/04/2023 22:00

Today, I took my cat for a very short car ride in her new carrier. I’ve left it out for weeks to let her get used to it, and before this she was relaxed enough to nap in it. Now, she won’t go near it no matter how many treats I use. I move cross country in June. Back to the drawing board. FML

I agree, your life sucks 668

You deserved it 193

By rocard - 21/09/2010 20:56 - Israël

Today, I heard a conversation between my mom and dad. I’m an only child but my mom is 5 months pregnant. My dad was saying, “Don’t worry, this one’s going to be alright.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 668

You deserved it 56

Feu Orange

By Farty - 02/09/2021 19:01 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I found out my boyfriend keeps a car air freshener on his desk, because it "keeps my farts away from his air." FML

I agree, your life sucks 668

You deserved it 321

Headphones are better with wires

By Anonymous - 27/12/2021 04:59 - Canada - Vancouver

Today, while waiting at a bus stop, I took one Airpod out of my ear to put it in its case. However, it slipped out of my hand, and at that exact time, the bus pulled over and instantly crushed it. A replacement bud costs $95. FML

I agree, your life sucks 668

You deserved it 740

How the turntables…

By Anonymous - 09/08/2022 18:00

Today, I caught my boyfriend with a prostitute. The prostitute actually got mad at me for yelling at him, because the few times he’s hired her, all he asked for was talking and cuddling, never sex. Her advice was I need to step up my emotional intimacy, because he’s clearly not getting it from me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 668

You deserved it 3 478

Healthy relationship goals

By Anonymous - 10/06/2022 15:00 - United States - Chicago

Today, I'm more interested in Facebook stalking a former coworker than seeing what my girlfriend is doing on a business trip. On her birthday. For a week. Where she insisted on staying in her ex's spare bedroom. That she decorated for him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 668

You deserved it 906

Hello!

By Iwantahug - 13/08/2022 14:00

Today, I get to see my boyfriend again for the first time in six weeks. Since I’ve come down with Covid, the only real difference it makes with our virtual contact is that now we can wave to each other in person. FML

I agree, your life sucks 668

You deserved it 138

Back to training

By why me - 16/02/2023 06:00

Today, I started my job at a warehouse. I was the only person in my training group who needed help wrapping a pallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 668

You deserved it 218

Cancel the wedding

By Anonymous - 02/11/2022 14:00

Today, I tried to talk to my soon-to-be-husband about how he needs to take a more active approach in his own life. It devolved to him screaming at me and putting words in my mouth. This has been going on for six months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 668

You deserved it 695

Genius mode

By Dumbass Dude - 24/05/2019 14:10

Today, I pulled into a parking lot, for the car to simply shut off because I ran out of gas. Then I couldn't get the key out of the ignition, so I called my dad, who walked all the way to where I was, only to find out that the car was still in drive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 668

You deserved it 2 205

My body hates me

By Anonymous - 01/05/2023 12:00 - United States - Elizabeth City

Today, like many other days before, my allergies decided, "screw you, you're dealing with me year round, no allergy medicine will keep me away, and you're going to break out in sneezing fits at the worst possible moments, which includes while you're driving on the highway." Shocking that I haven't been in a wreck yet, but still… FML

I agree, your life sucks 668

You deserved it 120

Kinda sus

By anonymous - 31/08/2023 08:00

Today, my overly friendly bubbly classmate, who’s like a preschool teacher hopped up on Red Bull, texted me, “Hey honey buns! Wanna meet up early before class and get groovin?!” My husband saw it and insisted that it's code for cheating. I'm not sure how I can explain that she’s just weird and wants to study. FML

I agree, your life sucks 667

You deserved it 124

Shame about the view

By Anonymous - 21/08/2023 09:00 - United States

Today, I was admiring my nice clean windows. Our window cleaners have to abseil down my apartment building to get it done, so they don't come often, as it's a big job. I was enjoying the sparkling view, until a seagull shat right across my window. Guess I'm looking at that for months now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 667

You deserved it 110

Classic internet marketplace

By Anonymous - 17/08/2023 04:00

Today, I put something up for sale online. I provided all pertinent information in the description, and I had about a dozen replies. From the questions they asked, I have to conclude that NONE of those people actually read the description. FML

I agree, your life sucks 667

You deserved it 83

Here comes trouble

By Anonymous - 11/11/2023 01:02

Today, I found out that my girlfriend's new friend is actually her "replacement". They met a few months ago, and she's really cool, we share the same interests, it's nice to spend time with her, etc., but my girlfriend planned to break up with me and "trained" her because she doesn't want me to be lonely. FML

I agree, your life sucks 667

You deserved it 147

FML on Facebook

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The Top

Today, my wife said she was going to her friend's place to help her with couponing. She started getting ready at 5pm; shaved her legs, did her hair, put on skin-tight leggings and a low-cut top. Left at 6pm, snuck back in at 2:50am. Shit, couponing must be really exciting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 170

You deserved it 2 910

Today, it was my high school graduation. Because our school colors were red, black and white, and our principal looked somewhat like Hitler, the senior class prank was to salute him when he finished his speech. I was the only one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 642

You deserved it 36 410

Today, I've been told that the test I have tomorrow, which I've been studying for, is not on 'Parent and Child Relationships' but on 'Scotland's Fishing Communities'. My brother thought it would be funny to hide the real booklet, and make up his own one for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 644

You deserved it 301

Today, I ordered takeout. When I looked in the bag, I saw they'd included four sets of plastic cutlery. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, then estimated that there must be at least four people eating such a large meal. I was eating alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 540

You deserved it 1 007

Today, my mom told me to stop using my phone and talk to them, but whenever I do that, they just end up yelling at me and telling me to go to my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 910

You deserved it 152

Today, on the last day of our vacation with my boyfriend's family, I'm crying alone under a tree because he refuses to talk to me because I got mad he didn't want to do anything with me, but did those same things with his family. He went out of his way to do all the things I wanted to do, but without me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 596

You deserved it 205