Today, someone sent me disgusting private pictures, all because he asked if I wanted to swap pictures and I said sure, but I didn't think it was a different type of picture and not just selfies. FML
Today, I learned that when you stand up to a bully in a bar, it never ends like it does in the movies, the bully doesn’t get knocked out, and you don’t get the girl. What you get is a trip to hospital, banned from the bar, and the girl goes home with the bully while you lie in the ambulance. FML
Today, I was doing my makeup. Halfway through, I asked my SO what he thought of it, as I was working on a new eyeshadow technique. He said my eyeshadow looked great, but that, "One eyebrow is up here and the other is down there," and that I should fix it. I hadn't done my eyebrows yet. That's just where they are. FML
Today, in the same conversation with the same person, I got chewed out because our kids want to spend more time with me than her, and also because the kids spend too much time with her and she can’t work from home effectively. Can anyone explain how that works? FML
Today, as always, my mom slams every door she closes. I faint when I hear loud sounds. FML
Today, after weeks of being up nights to hand feed nine puppies, I, an insomniac, finally got to sleep during the day, which isn't easy for me, only to be woken by my partner asking me a stupid question that was unimportant, then made to feel like a jerk for being angry. I'm now stuck awake, pissed. FML
Today, my computer crashed and corrupted my games files and deleted over 100 hours of saved data. I have to now start all over again. FML
Today, when I checked on my last payroll, I realized that I pay more in taxes than I do in house bills. FML
Today, it's been a year since my mom was diagnosed as being borderline diabetic. Since then, she has been giving all her unhealthy foods to me. With all due respect Mom, I don't plan on becoming diabetic myself any time soon. FML
Today, a blind guy asked me out, but since I'm already in a relationship I politely declined, saying, "Sorry, I'm already seeing someone." FML
Today, I kicked my partner of 8 years out after confirming she was indeed going speed dating while keeping me occupied, going to couples' therapy, and doing work on our rental property. All a ruse. She's a tricky one, my EX missus. Nah bitch, nah. Take the lies elsewhere and we're flushing all these years. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend of 3 years that I wanted to marry him someday. His response was, "Oh, OK, thanks." FML
Today, I'm constipated AND having diarrhea at the same time. It feels like I'm going to explode. FML
Today, it's my 37th birthday. I was an honor student in high school, went to a top university, accruing a bunch of debt, and got trapped working jobs I hate. All because my teachers told me I was too smart for state school. The drug addicts I went to high school with live a more stable life than I do. FML
Today, after I'd saved a baby mouse and was filming a YouTube series of me taking care of it, my boyfriend told me he found a “rat” in the kitchen, but not to worry he killed it and fed it to the cat. He killed my baby mouse, and now he’s mad I didn’t praise him for his brilliant extermination job. FML
Today, I told my daughter her mom was busy fighting aliens, so I wouldn’t have to tell her that her mom is just a shitty, self-absorbed bitch, who doesn’t deserve kids. FML
Today, I accidentally connected my phone to my mum's headphones while watching porn. FML
Today, I overheard my six year-old step-son playing with his sister and cousin. His sister was the baby, cousin the step-dad, and he got to be “the best one” because he was the "real dad." FML
Today, I went out on a first date. He was funny, laidback, and handsome. We had an amazing time but I declined to go back to his house, not wanting to rush things. He said he understood and respected my choice. Later online he bragged about “banging some cheap slut for the price of a meal.” FML
Today, i found myself talking to the rat living under my wardrobe as if he was my friend. It's only day 2 of the partial lockdown in Germany. FML
Today, after talking to a girl for a little over a month, and both of us saying we liked each other and FaceTiming each other for multiple hours each day, she told me I’m “too easy to talk to” and friendzoned me. FML
Today, after finally coming to terms with using insulin for my diabetes, and facing another eye surgery to correct my vision so I can do my job, I found out I have to have a melanoma removed from my foot. I'm 54. FML
Today, I still have no idea why I got married. All my wife does is drink Coke and watch TV. Perhaps the silver lining is that she's not doing coke in powder form. FML
Today, I found ladies knee-high socks that weren't mine. I don't even own a pair of knee-high socks. After bickering back and forth with my boyfriend, he said, "Actually now that you mention it, I thought they were yours and I put them there." FML
Today, my dad has been faking social anxiety to make me feel like there's something wrong with me. How do I know? Because I actually have social anxiety, and he not only shows no symptoms of it, but he also has a lot of misconceptions about it that he would know are false if he actually did have it. FML
Today, after a shopping trip, I had the worst diarrhea attack and almost shat my pants before I could even get in the front door. By the time I could get the door open, it was taking all of my self-control to keep from shitting myself. I had to shit on the toilet with the front door and bathroom door wide open. FML
Today, a really pretty girl came into my work, but when I went up to help her, my brain misfired and I accidentally said, "How can I hump you?" She yelled at me, and my manager put me on probation. FML
Today, I went to prom with my two friends. I was ditched by my prom date because he had “other plans.” The weird thing is that when we got to the prom location, I saw him with another date. FML
Today, I woke up bright and early… because a spider crawled into my ear. FML
Today, I was trying to walk in heels. My mom then started cracking up, saying I looked like a baby giraffe learning to walk just after coming out of the womb. FML
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