Today, I overheard my caucasian mother on the phone lamenting to a friend that her future grandchildren won’t “look American”. Any future grandchildren of hers would be half Lakota native. FML
Today, I'd always been scared of meeting someone from Tinder, so I was really reassured when my first Tinder date went really well. I kept seeing the guy. He then gave me herpes. FML
Today, I was feeling depressed. I overheard my mom crying on the phone. She said, “If my daughter kills herself, who’s going to do the dishes?” FML
Today, I'm trying to get over my OCD by wearing 2 different shoes. FML
Today, I realized I'm a failure as a man. It's been 17 years since a woman even touched me. I grew up fatherless, have completely lost hope for any chance of a wife or kids. I'm 35 and never been in a relationship. I'm a complete failure because of all this, and have become a monster. FML
Today, and over the last week, I’ve spent about 10 minutes with my wife over 5 separate occasions because she is married more to her job than to me. And if anyone is interested those 5 occasions were unromantic sex because we’re trying to get pregnant, then straight back to her laptop to work more. FML
Today, I was crying to my sister that my therapist office messed up and didn’t schedule my appointment. My mom overheard and yelled, "You don’t need that mess anyway! Just pray about it!” Being raised with her religious fanaticism is what led to my insomnia, anxiety, depression, and guilt complex. FML
Today, I’m sitting in the ER pissed off at my teenage sons. They’re both violently ill from doing a shot contest to see who could drink the most. Alcohol poisoning? Nope. Caffeine overdose. They lost track of how many shots of espresso they were doing before they started puking and shaking. FML
Today, I was doing homework in the living room when my mom came in and started blasting music and cleaning. When I asked if she could turn it off so I could study, she bitched at me about "My house, my rules." She also has a rule that we can’t do homework in our rooms because of too many distractions. FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend has been cheating on me. He married someone, and got another girl pregnant. We were together for 8 years. FML
Today, my boyfriend says he “can’t afford” to buy some Pampers and formula for our daughter, yet he just pre-ordered the iPhone 14, and bought his weekly weed supply. FML
Today, my dad claimed that while he's "definitely not a racist", most of his friends sort of are, so was there any chance at all I might dump my boyfriend, because me dating a black man reflects badly on him, and soon he might not be welcome at the pub anymore. I'm this close to cutting him from my life entirely. FML
Today, I was sleeping after having worked 76 hours over the last week on night shift, only to be woken up by a fire alarm in the hotel I'm staying in. I rushed to put on some clothes and head out, but couldn't hide my morning wood, which would not go away. People took pictures as we were waiting to be let back inside. FML
Today, I'm extremely depressed because I can't play live music due to this stupid virus. I can't get a date or even a hug, and the career I worked for seven years toward was totally destroyed. All my friends are too busy for me, unless they need a favor. I hate my life. I need a hug. I'm not going to get it. FML
Today, my girlfriend bitched that we spend too much money on food, and needed to start cooking to save money. I got home from work and started dinner. Halfway through, my girlfriend sighed and said, "This is taking too long, I'll order pizza." FML
Today, the same manager who wrote me up for missing work when my mom had had a stroke, thought it was perfectly acceptable to announce she was leaving work 6 hours early to take her dogs to the groomers. Apparently, that appointment was more urgent than me riding in an ambulance with my mother. FML
Today, I counted 3 weeks since my new roommate scooped the poop out of her two cats' litter boxes. Also, she keeps rubbing in my face that she takes such good care of the cats, and I can only pretend to nod in agreement. There’s five more months on the lease. FML
Today, I was serving a rude and obnoxious couple at a restaurant. They made outrageous demands, then they got up and snuck out while I wasn’t looking. They were kind enough to leave a “tip” on the receipt they hadn’t paid for, saying, “Maybe if you lost weight you’d be fast enough to catch us!” FML
Today, my husband found out the owner of the shop across from our shop is homophobic. Our daughter is bisexual, so he’s started Pride-themed warfare against the shop with flags everywhere. It’s a rather conservative neighbourhood and our customers have deserted us in droves. We may have to close. FML
Today, I found out that a guy who works overnights had secretly been videotaping me singing and dancing to my favorite songs while I worked my own graveyard shift. My new nickname at work is 'Prancy'. FML
Today, it's my birthday. I woke up to the sound of my cat puking up a hairball. This is the second year in a row he has done this. FML
Today, just like every other day, I noticed that one of my male coworkers always stares at me while passing by or when it's time for lunch. I read somewhere that if a person stares at you too long, they either want to have sex with you or want to kill you. He has a girlfriend, so I doubt it's the first option. FML
Today, my cousin tried to hit on me. I told him that was inappropriate and pushed him off me. He was offended when I went to tell my folks. All they said was, “That’s fine. You should’ve let him.” Um, what? FML
Today, I was woken up at 2 a.m. by my roommates throwing a party down the hall. I put some earplugs in so I could get some rest for my 8 a.m final. They worked really well, so well in fact that I didn't hear my alarm and woke up at noon. FML
Today, I have to go into work for the first time since the Covid-19 lockdown. I've been working from home since March. Today was also the first time since going on lockdown that I cut myself shaving. FML
Today, I took my sister and her friend to the new swimming pool in our area. They wanted to go down one of the slides, so I went up with them. At the top of the stairs, my sister's friend kicked me in the balls and then pulled my trunks off. They pushed me down the slide naked. FML
Today, I had a procedure that should have been covered by my health insurance, but while I was there, I asked the doc to sign a prescription for an unrelated thing. This apparently turned the insured procedure into a consultation, so they charged me full price for the procedure, over $15,000. FML
Today, I had red eyes from crying, and everyone assumed that my mom, who has been seriously ill, had died so they tried comforting me. It was quite embarrassing to have to tell them that it was because I'd just watched the last episode of season 4 of Veronica Mars. FML
Today, my two year-old fell with a toy in her hand. The TV isn't even paid off yet. FML
Today, I started a new job. I was in a meeting, all day, training under a guy. This was the same middle-class-gravyboat guy who has no idea what he's doing, attributes things to false-positive root causes, and is defensive whenever someone knows more than him. I left my last job because of this type of guy. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
