Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I remembered I had a Reese's Krispy Kreme doughnut in the car. I orgasmed while thinking about a doughnut. FML
Today, I woke up needing to wee. I was at my boyfriend's and didn't want to wake him, so I sat on the edge of the toilet and peed as quietly as possible. I realised after that I'd sat too far over and had peed on the floor. There was no loo paper. FML
Today, I accidentally left my sister's hamster's cage open and it escaped. My dad recently put mouse traps down. Guess where I found her. FML
Today, a student pooped his pants in my office. I work with undergrad and graduate students. FML
Today, after changing and dressing my 6-month-old into his super cute brand new outfit, I saw the telltale sign of him about to vomit. Without thinking, I cup my hand under his mouth and catch it all. I had to sit there with a hand full of puke and nowhere to dump it. FML
Today, I spotted one of my friends using the ATM outside our school's university center. I crept up behind him, grabbed his shoulders abruptly, and shouted in my best deep man-voice, "Give me all your money!" Turned out to be a poor, unsuspecting freshman. He gave me his money. FML
Today, I felt manly. I spent almost the entire day peeling paint, power sanding, and applying Spackle for my grandma. Strutting with masculinity, I headed for the shower, only to let out a womanly yelp at a spider hanging at eye level around a corner. Manliness gone. FML
Today, after telling my parents just exactly what I thought of them and that I was moving out, the person I was supposed to move in with called to say they'd decided they would rather live alone. FML
Today, I gave a presentation for my final on class. While I was giving the speech my shirt strap broke. I ended up flashing everyone including the teacher. At least I got an A. FML
Today, my extended family came over for Christmas. I forgot to get a present for my extremely sensitive aunt. I took a gift from my re-gift pile and wrapped it quickly. Little did I remember that it was the same gift she gave me last year. She noticed. FML
Today, while meeting some of the big boss guys at my new job, one of the men sneezed on his hand and then grabbed mine for a handshake. I felt every gooey bit of his snot between our hands. FML
Today, my brat of a coworker tried to convince our boss that I should get paid half of what I'm making because I broke my right arm. I'm left-handed, broke it on the job, and still doing a better job than her. She makes double what I do. FML
Today, I woke up to an unexpected surprise for my birthday. It wasn't cake, nor ice cream. It was hundreds of baby spiders crawling all over me. FML
Today, this guy I've been dating for a few months freaked out and called his mom crying, because I told him I might be pregnant with his baby. He is 27. I haven't even taken a pregnancy test yet. FML
Today, my morning started off by stepping in my dog's piss by the door. Then, stepping in my husband's piss by the toilet. FML
Today, I was at my girlfriends house. After having sex, we went downstairs to where the rest of the family was. At this point I did not realise that I had a used condom stuck to my foot. The family did. FML
Today, I put my old kitchen table at the end of my driveway with a free sign on it. Later, I saw my neighbor drag it to his yard with a $50 for sale sign on it. It's now gone. FML
Today, I was woken up by my dad screaming that the ship was sinking. I started freaking out before I realized that I was sleeping on my couch at home and was not in fact on a ship. FML
Today, I was pumping gas and decided to go in for a drink. I discovered that when it's cold, sometimes the gas doesn't stop pumping automatically and starts spewing out onto the sidewalk. I had to pay for $53 of spilled gas. FML
dl_zook tells us more.
dl_zook 6
jfyi, $17 of it went into my tank. i know it was stupid to leave it unattended, i made the post so other morons, like myself, could maybe not do something so stupid. I am fully aware you are not supposed to leave a pump unattended, something i have known for the past 10 years, regardless of the fact that the gas station i was at did not have a single sign stating the obvious(i went back and checked) i was in the gas station maybe 3 minutes at most and i was prepared and willing to pay any clean up fees needed, however the 'specialized' materials this particular attendant used was kitty litter, which she took off of the shelf and opened before going outside. the only reason i feel this would remotely qualify as a FML vs YDI is that i was stupid enough to think a drink was worth leaving my car alone at the time, so really more of a FML for being an idiot type of thing.
Today, I learned that if I don't clean out the litter box everyday, my cat will resort to shitting in the laundry basket. FML
Today, my brothers thought it would be funny to put me inside a huge luggage bag we got for a trip to Canada. It was all fun and games until they dragged me outside, kicked me down a few steps, and left me stuck in the bag, locked outside with the cat. FML
Today, I went to work to find a picture on my desk of me with my buttcrack showing put there by an anonymous person. FM
Today, I walked in on my son flopping around on the floor with a blanket wrapped around his legs. Apparently at age 22, he'd rather pretend to be a mermaid than go out and get a damn job. FML
Today, a customer came into the music shop I work in to look at guitars. After calling the customer "Dude," and "Man," numerous times, they stalked off suddenly. When I asked if everything was okay, they responded with, "I'm female, you asshole!" FML
Today, my fiancé completely missed the birth of our first child because he had started watching a new series on Netflix and really wanted to know how it ended. By the time he made it to the hospital our daughter was already 7 hours old. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me he only loves me sometimes. He explained what days he chooses to love me and what days he doesn't want to. I told him that's not how it works. He disagreed. He's 27. He still doesn't understand why this is a problem. FML
Today, I went to pick my dog up from my old house where my ex-boyfriend still lives. I rang the doorbell and saw him look out of the side window holding the dog. When I told him I was there for my dog, he claimed that the dog was his now. He broke up with me because he hates dogs. FML
codyolimason tells us more.
codyolimason 12
Hey guys it's OP I'm honestly surprised this was published considering its my first FML, but that's besides the point and for those of you if you're curious my dog is a King Charles Cavalier Spaniel named Bella. I was with the guy for about a year and 8 months and he had always been the sweetest. To all the people who are saying he broke up with me because of other reasons, he broke up with me about a week after he asked me to move into his apartment and he realized I had a dog(even though he has met her on multiple occasions) I guess I should mention I had just arrived with a moving truck to move my stuff in. So I don't know what other reason it could have been. So I should clarify that it was technically my new place. I left the dog at the apartment while I went back to my previous apartment to see if it was possible to get it back, and I had no where else to put her because all of my family lives about 800 miles away and this happened when most people were at work so I couldn't ask my friends. I also wasn't going to leave my dog in the car with all this heat. I asked my ex if she could stay while I went back to my previous apartment and he said it was okay as long as I got her before he had to leave for work(which is understandable). And to those who offered comments about how I could get her back, THANK YOU for the input. I did rescue her and have had her about 2 years, so I do have documents from the vet, stating she is mine. She is also a registered therapy dog so I have all the registration paperwork for that.
Today, it was my first day working as a nightclub bartender. All through the evening, a really creepy bloke stood in a dark corner and leered at the girls on the dance floor. When I took the bouncer to one side to let him know, he told me the man was a coat stand. FML
Today, I was driving home. It was late and I wanted to get home so I started speeding. I didn't wanna get a ticket so I slowed down everytime I saw a car that could be a cop, judging by headlights. There was a car with a busted headlight so I sped up. Couldn't be a cop car. It could. $216 proof. FML
Today, my religious mother found out I work at Planned Parenthood. Now everytime she sees me, she prays until I leave the room. FML
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