Today, I was woken up by my dad screaming that the ship was sinking....

By Anonymous - United States - Wasilla

Today, I was woken up by my dad screaming that the ship was sinking. I started freaking out before I realized that I was sleeping on my couch at home and was not in fact on a ship. FML

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Miscellaneous

Good samaritan

Fish and chips is life

OK sweaty, time for a bath

By mistletoe - United States - Miami

Today, as a pickup line, a guy said to me, "Yo, can I kiss your vag' under the mistletoe?" FML

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By notgay - United States - Cranford

Today, I brought my best friend home and told my dad we were going to study together. He loudly replied "Woah!", stumbled around for a few seconds like he was drunk, then apologized and said the "sheer amount of gayness" between us had overloaded his gaydar. We're not gay, dammit! FML

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By bannana0zoom - Canada

Today, it's my birthday. My mom got me a gym membership and a bunch of clothes that are a few sizes too small. FML

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By Mishlette - United Kingdom - Derby

Office Space

Today, I started at my new job. Turns out my boss is a complete douchebag. He spent most of the day looking over our shoulders and making cuntish comments about our work, then called a guy a piece of shit for farting and forced him to spray disinfectant on his chair. FML

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By booearns - United States

Today, I visited my doctor upon coming home from University. I found out that I'm severely allergic to our pet bunny, which has resulted in a rash taking over my body. She suggested that we get rid of the bunny. I told my mom. She told me to come home less often. FML

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By Hipnog - Czech Republic

Today, I realised how damn creepy I am because I get nervous and smile when someone looks at me, and no it's not one of those smiles you'd love looking at, it's a smile straight out of a horror movie. I made a bunch of children run away. FML

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By guy - United States - Avon Lake

Today, I was taking a walk when I noticed an elderly man on the ground, unmoving. Being a registered nurse, I tried to give him CPR. As my lips touched his, he hacked a loogie and spat it into the back of my throat. I swallowed. FML

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By xoccerplaya - United States

Today, I forgot what I was doing while listening to a voicemail and started talking back to it. FML

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By lildale92

Today, I asked my husband to watch our kids while I cooked food for him. Apparently I asked in the wrong tone, because now he's pouting and won't eat. FML

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By worldsbestjobgonebad - Canada

Today, I was walking home from my acting gig at a haunted hayride. Even after spending lots of time washing the fake blood off my hands and face, I looked like I'd murdered someone. Perhaps that's why an officer stopped me and questioned me about a stabbing that happened earlier tonight. FML

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By ap84 - United States

Today, after soccer practice, I was walking to the car with my dad. My team mates waved and said "Bye POTHEAD!" They call me that because they think my head is shaped like a pot. Of course, my dad didn't believe me. I'm grounded now because I have an abnormally-shaped head. I've never smoked pot. FML

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By HumanNature - Canada

Today, I was waiting after work in a parking lot for my ride and was dancing a little to keep warm. Next thing I know the cops pull up to me and said that someone called in to report someone dancing in an empty parking lot. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at my friend's house. We were looking at her dad's guns, and I was explaining gun safety and how you should never put your finger on the trigger. I then shot a hole in the floor of her house. FML

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By sh33zy - United States

Today, the only girl I'm friends with deleted my comment off of her profile because she was too embarrassed that people would see we were friends. FML

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By why - United States - Lexington

Today, we were having a family dinner with my boyfriend's parents and mine. In the kitchen, when we were getting the food ready, he proposed. I screamed. My dad thought he was hurting me, came in and tased him in the leg. FML

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By spideypowers - United States

Today, as I was using my mom's computer, a spider crawled onto the screen. So as per my usual reaction to seeing a spider, I smashed it as fast as I could. I missed the spider, but now I have to buy my mom a new monitor. FML

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By PlayTag - United States

Today, my girlfriend gave me a blow-up doll and told me to practice. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I asked my parents if I had a college fund because I will be going to university in two years. They laughed. FML

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By shockedgirl - United States

Today, I spent the day studying with one of my classmates whom I've just met. While studying, she kept bragging about her boyfriend and decided to show me a picture of him. It was my boyfriend. FML

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46067

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By EMT_Koulianos - United States

Today, I was performing CPR on a woman on her floor while her internal defibrillator kept firing, making her whole body jump. When it fired, her hand went straight up into my nuts. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my fiancé ended our engagement, saying he wanted to have "one last quickie" for the road. He saw nothing wrong with that. FML

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By collegekid - 17/5/2020 14:00

Marriage story

Today, after 25 years of marriage, my parents decided to get a very nasty and extremely expensive divorce. Using my college tuition to pay for it. FML

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By slut - Canada

Today, I finally found out that the tattoo on my lower back means "slut" in Chinese, instead of "good fortune" as I always thought it did. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Wigan

Boom!

Today, my dad stumbled home drunk at closing time and woke the whole house with a bang by attempting to heat a tin of baked beans in the microwave, without removing the beans from the tin first. FML

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By Kathryn - United States

Today, I went to my favorite all you can eat buffet. The cook tapped my shoulder and told me to stop eating. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I covered a 10-hour shift for a sick coworker. Glad to earn some extra money for the holidays, I went to clock out. I hadn't even clocked in when I first got there at 7 am. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss told me I was fired 3 weeks ago because there was no money to pay me, meaning that I worked the last three weeks for free. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at a dinner with my dad's girlfriend's family. I met this guy who I found kind of cute and tried to talk to him a couple times. To avoid talking to me he started playing his PSP. I could see the screen perfectly and the PSP was clearly off. FML

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By failed brood mare - United States - Hollywood

Today, my mom bitched me out for still being single at age 19, and still not having started a family. She considers this "immoral," yet showed nothing but praise for my sister, who's pregnant at 15 and doesn't know which of three guys is the father. FML

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By anon - New Zealand

Today, I found my expensive lingerie I thought I had lost. In my 15-year-old brother's room. FML

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By STUPID BIRTHDAY - United States

Today, it was my birthday. I set up a dinner party for 20 of my closest friends. I arrived at the restaurant, fully dressed and everything. When I got there, I thought everyone was ready to surprise me, but instead, nobody showed up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at work I asked a cute, albeit slightly large customer, her name. Being hard of hearing, I thought she said "Porky" and asked her about it. Turns out she'd said Courtney. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a lady came into my workplace to pay her $120 bill in one dollar bills. I kept losing count. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I got a call from my son's kindergarten teacher. Apparently my son asked a girl to marry him. After she said no, he stabbed her with a fork. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to find The Sims 2 running on pause on my laptop. I unpaused to find my character and my boyfriend's were no longer together. Slightly confused, I went on to find the note my boyfriend left. It said, "I hope you can take a hint." I got dumped through a computer game. FML

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By State

Today, my best friend asked me to be the best man at his wedding. I had to decline because the bride's family has deep prison gang ties and I'm a correctional officer. FML

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By sochunky - United Kingdom - Bromham

Today, someone had thrown up onto the last remaining seat on the train. Guess who accidentally sat in it. FML

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20935

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By Anonymous - United States - Brandon

Today, I went to my new gynecologist. He has an eye twitch, and every time he asks about my genitals, he winks at me. FML

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By Tom - United States

Today, I went to court expecting to walk out a free man. Turns out my misdemeanor offense couldn't compare to the crime I committed when I walked into the court house with a switchblade tucked into my shoe. FML

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By healthfreak - United States - Marietta

Today, my daughter's teacher called me, very concerned, because my child told the whole class she's not virgin anymore. The word is "vegan", honey. FML

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Top comments

By MandyO | 15

#6687555 - Sunday 11 September 2016 11:19

And if you decide to have children someday, you will do the same.

By MikuandKaito | 24

#6687548 - Sunday 11 September 2016 11:03

Gotta love dads.

COMMENTS

By MikuandKaito | 24

#6687548 - Sunday 11 September 2016 11:03

Gotta love dads.

By lovebooks07 | 15

#6687549 - Sunday 11 September 2016 11:04

Well, it's a creative new version of 'the floor is lava!'

By shonic | 16

#6687552 - Sunday 11 September 2016 11:14

this is like clapping a sleeping person awake. they wake up clapping, Sorry this happened though. FYL

By MandyO | 15

#6687555 - Sunday 11 September 2016 11:19

And if you decide to have children someday, you will do the same.

By individual00 | 14

#6687557 - Sunday 11 September 2016 11:28

Was your dad also asleep? Because I once had a night terror and woke my then partner up by screaming that we were going to crash! I woke myself up too, and was in such a panic it took him a long time to calm me down.