Miscellaneous: Today, I was woken up by my dad screaming that the ship was sinking....

By Anonymous - United States - Wasilla

Today, I was woken up by my dad screaming that the ship was sinking. I started freaking out before I realized that I was sleeping on my couch at home and was not in fact on a ship. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13794

You deserved it

1789

Favorite

Miscellaneous

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Cloth ears

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, my doctor died. Last week, after a check up I'd had because I was worried about a cough, he told me not to worry because I was as healthy as he was. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27884

You deserved it

1955

Favorite

By Pain - United States - Andover

Today, my parents "suggested" I help them move house. I didn't realize that meant I would be carrying every stick of furniture out of their house. The muscles in my arms are so tight now that I can't straighten them. I can't wait to help them unpack tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13155

You deserved it

1694

Favorite

By laurenh211 - 17/11/2020 17:02 - United Kingdom

It was the painkillers, I swear

Today, my husband came home from the hospital after having painful surgery, so I decided to make him a nice big breakfast. As I was taking it up to him, I heard a message on the phone. It was from one of his nurses. She was accepting his offer of a date. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1145

You deserved it

Favorite

By unknown - Canada - Courtenay

Today, I sat down with my daughter to have the sex talk, because she recently started seeing a guy. I mentioned at one point how disappointed I would be if she got pregnant. She went wide-eyed and asked, "Didn't mom tell you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

64128

You deserved it

6809

Favorite

By brokenarm - Germany

Today, I went to the pharmacy and asked the very attractive pharmacist what to do about the terrible itching under my cast. She told me to be a man and deal with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25877

You deserved it

7881

Favorite

By deathstar3548 - United States - Orlando

Today, I learned that even though a woman has a baby carriage and seems friendly, she won't be afraid to mug you in front of her kid. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39721

You deserved it

3444

Favorite

By pinkfreak94 - United States - Norwalk

Today, I kissed a boy for the first time in over a year. It was at drama club practice, and he quickly ended up asking the director if we could remove that scene from the play. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25688

You deserved it

2697

Favorite

By Jade - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me in front of an entire street of people. We've only been dating for a week. One of the women in the crowd then called me heartless and threw a hamburger at me when I turned him down. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55241

You deserved it

9642

Favorite

By Shelly - United States

Today, I accidentally called my cute boss "babe." I now have to pretend it's what I call everyone, and start calling all my coworkers "babe." FML

I agree, your life sucks

15928

You deserved it

33947

Favorite

By sadness1992 - United States - San Diego

Today, my girlfriend decided to invite her best friend over for a threesome. This would've been the best day ever, had I not been at work while it was taking place. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42832

You deserved it

4204

Favorite

By smooth - United States

Today, my coworker pointed to our nervous new intern and asked who he was. I jokingly said, "Can't you tell? He's our new slave." I then quickly realized how bad that sounded, given the intern is black. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30509

You deserved it

18416

Favorite

By argh - United States

Today, my mother gave my daughter a behavior chart. I noticed that "drinking beer" was at the top of one of the columns. It's a chart for my daughter to use on me so my mother can judge my parenting skills. I am currently losing a sticker right now for being on the computer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34613

You deserved it

4950

Favorite

By Rach - Ireland

Today, I saw my crush standing at the bus stop. I did the "I'm talking to someone on the phone thing," trying to be cool. Halfway through the conversation my phone actually rang, I quickly answered but it was my mom on loudspeaker yelling, "Did you bring your tampons?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

12073

You deserved it

40610

Favorite

By -1 Pair of Pants - United States - Westborough

Today, I leaned over to pick something up and heard a loud "pop" from my waistline, followed by a "clink" on the other side of the room. My pants button had popped off my pants. Time to lose some weight. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10673

You deserved it

2653

Favorite

By roobb - Canada

Today, I saw my girlfriend with an older guy who I thought was her dad, I went over to introduce myself. And then turned around and walked away very fast as I saw them make out. My girlfriend is cheating on me with someone as old as my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56503

You deserved it

3108

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - South Gate

Today, my girlfriend decided to break up with me over Facebook. Unfortunately, she "accidentally" posted it on my wall instead of sending me a message, so the whole world could see it. My mom liked her post. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52160

You deserved it

3898

Favorite

By thanksmom - United States

Today, I finally got up the nerve to invite the guy I like to hang out at my house. It was also the day my mother decided that our house is a "pants optional zone," and that she should implement that policy immediately. While he was at our house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29107

You deserved it

2849

Favorite

By Gumfanatic302 - United States

Today, I got a call from my child's preschool saying that "Mindy keeps saying she sits on her daddy's lap and plays with his peter." My daughter meant 'puter, as in computer. Now the school is worried my husband is a child molester. FML

I agree, your life sucks

69023

You deserved it

3170

Favorite

By ihateeverything - United States - Granbury

Today, I dreamed that I cheated on my boyfriend. I was so overwhelmed with guilt that I called him while half-asleep to tell him about it and apologize. I'm fully awake now and he doesn't believe it was really a dream. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36414

You deserved it

8414

Favorite

By Anonymous - 19/11/2020 05:02

The movie of my life

Today, I learnt my boyfriend has just been using me for character development for the last 5 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

789

You deserved it

102

Favorite

By sllaggy

Today, I woke up at my boyfriend's house. I had a shower while he went downstairs. As I went to say goodbye to him, his mother muttered "slut" while pouring him orange juice. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43339

You deserved it

22043

Favorite

By ReallyBro - United States - Keller

Today, after a year of coaxing, I got my boyfriend of 18 months to agree to have sex with me. He decided his first course of action was to try to shove his flaccid penis into my unlubricated vagina. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37314

You deserved it

11279

Favorite

By newestallen

MILs gonna MIL...

Today, I married the love of my life, which was meant to stay secret until we can afford a ceremony. I opened Facebook to see that my hubby’s mom made a post about it, called me her new daughter-in-law, and tagged me. All 3 things we specifically asked her not to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3223

You deserved it

413

Favorite

By baconrash - United States

Today, I found out that the acne under my arms was worse then the severe acne on my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29793

You deserved it

3668

Favorite

By sarah - United States

Today, I went to the store to pick up some tampons. After waiting in line for about 10 minutes, the male cashier looked at me when I was leaving and said, "Have a nice... week!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

35959

You deserved it

5134

Favorite

By crayons128 - United States

Today, I was at a fire roasting marshmallows. When mine caught on fire, I pulled it back so I could blow out the flames. It flew off the stick, and, still flaming, landed on my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31958

You deserved it

6575

Favorite

By her mom raised her - Mexico

Today, I had to call a plumber out, because my idiot daughter clogged the pipes while trying to flush a hamburger down the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43711

You deserved it

7007

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on the phone with my best guy friend, who I have loved for years. I was talking about school and all of a sudden he said "I love you." I flipped out saying "Oh my god, oh my god. I love you, too!" He responded with "what?" He was talking to his mom, who was walking out the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks

69037

You deserved it

17504

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Meredith

Today, I tried to impress my girlfriend by vaulting over the side of a stairway rail parkour-style. Now I feel like I almost broke my legs, and judging by her hysterical laughter, she considers me more of a fool than a stud. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7822

You deserved it

32802

Favorite

By - France

Today, when I saw a big box that looked like a playstation, I got really excited and my parents were there and everything looked like it really was something big, so I start to open the wrapper and surprise... it was a lamp. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23869

You deserved it

6934

Favorite

By GeeThanks - Canada - Toronto

Today, a drunk dude walked up to me and said, "You're ugly as fuck." His sober friend quickly apologized and explained that he was wasted, before looking me up and down and adding "Well, not completely, I guess." FML

I agree, your life sucks

51422

You deserved it

3965

Favorite

By hjkashld - United States

Today, I faked back pain to get out of sex with my wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13477

You deserved it

36338

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband and I were about to have sex. As soon as I got on top, he started speaking in a robot voice, then demanded that I call him "the Fuckinator." FML

I agree, your life sucks

39621

You deserved it

5577

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Good catch

Today, my father came over to my house. I realized there were condoms on the table, so I subtly moved a vase to hide them. He then gave me an unamused look and said, "I know you have sex. You've been married for nine years. Grow the fuck up, dumbass." FML

I agree, your life sucks

21516

You deserved it

90634

Favorite

By DemiRawrs - United States

Today, my mom accused me of being pregnant. She wouldn't believe me when I told her I'm a virgin, and she challenged me to take a pregnancy test. It came back with a false positive. FML

I agree, your life sucks

64524

You deserved it

4681

Favorite

By Anonymous - 31/3/2021 11:29 - India - Bangalore

Simping

Today, my girlfriend moved to Germany for her Master's degree and perhaps a PhD. I'm still stuck in this third world mess which we call India. I simped for her and agreed that she can have non-serious relationships with other men. I'm so broken. FML

I agree, your life sucks

417

You deserved it

989

Favorite

By Mak1 - Belgium

Today, my boyfriend told me in a very natural way that my mother is better at sex than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

79527

You deserved it

4644

Favorite

By Anonymous - 13/8/2020 08:01

Time to move out

Today, I'm spending $1,400 on rent each month to hear my upstairs neighbor walk from one end of their apartment to the other, and then back again. This occurs pretty much all day and all night. Yesterday I woke up at 3:30 a.m. from the banging of steps. My other neighbor played his music so loud, I felt it through the wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1368

You deserved it

134

Favorite

By isuckatparking. seriously.

Today, I was in a hurry to get to my exams. I’m a new driver so my parking was a little crooked but I didn’t have time to fix it. I was expecting to come back to a note on my car. I wasn’t expecting three of my tires to be slashed and the words “I Suck At Parking” to be keyed into my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2759

You deserved it

997

Favorite

By whatswrongwithit?:( - United States - Chicago

Today, as my girlfriend and I were making out, I slowly took my clothes off and revealed my body to her for the first time. She looked, smiled, and said reassuringly, "Aww, don't worry. I know how it's supposed to look." FML

I agree, your life sucks

33321

You deserved it

3617

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By MandyO | 15

#6687555 - Sunday 11 September 2016 11:19

And if you decide to have children someday, you will do the same.

By MikuandKaito | 24

#6687548 - Sunday 11 September 2016 11:03

Gotta love dads.

COMMENTS

By MikuandKaito | 24

#6687548 - Sunday 11 September 2016 11:03

Gotta love dads.

By lovebooks07 | 15

#6687549 - Sunday 11 September 2016 11:04

Well, it's a creative new version of 'the floor is lava!'

By shonic | 16

#6687552 - Sunday 11 September 2016 11:14

this is like clapping a sleeping person awake. they wake up clapping, Sorry this happened though. FYL

By MandyO | 15

#6687555 - Sunday 11 September 2016 11:19

And if you decide to have children someday, you will do the same.

By individual00 | 14

#6687557 - Sunday 11 September 2016 11:28

Was your dad also asleep? Because I once had a night terror and woke my then partner up by screaming that we were going to crash! I woke myself up too, and was in such a panic it took him a long time to calm me down.