Today, I got a chance to have dinner and a movie with a girl... - FML

By BrokeAsAJoke - United States

Today, I got a chance to have dinner and a movie with a girl I've liked for a while. I ran late, so in a hurry to make the movie, and trying to be smooth for her, I told the waiter I'd "take care of him" if he made it fast. He did. When he brought the check, I realized I had forgotten my wallet. FML

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Money hole

Kids and their wacky crazes

Sounds like a catch

By EggHead - Canada - Toronto

Today, I read that egg whites make a good hair treatment. Everything was going fine until, without thinking, I turned the hot water on to wash it out. I'm still picking the cooked egg out of my hair. FML

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By Heidi Jeanette

Today, I learned that my insatiable appetite and sex drive is because I'm 5 months pregnant. I'm married to a woman. We had a threesome one drunken night. FML

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By nice guys finish last - United States - Smyrna

Today, a kid in class dropped his paper on the floor. I held on to my desk with one hand and reached for the paper with my other hand. I lost balance and tilted both my chair and desk over, nailing the floor as everything on my desk hit the ground with me. He picked the paper up himself. FML

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By stew - United States

Today, It took me more than 4 hours to set up the back yard for my daughters baby shower. It only took my husband one push of a button to turn on the sprinklers. FML

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By ipaid350dollarsfornothing - Qatar

Today, my prom dress finally arrived. My prom was yesterday. FML

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By FMyCountry

Today, during a football match, the referee declared a goal as invalid. The dad of the kid who scored didn't agree, which led to an all-out fight among all the kids' parents. FML

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By unlucky dudebag - United States

Today, my brother and father thought it would be a good idea to wake me up by turning on a chainsaw and wearing hockey masks. FML

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By TBTC - France - Le G?vre

Today, I was out apartment hunting with my boyfriend. We visited a marvelous place that ticked all the boxes on our requirement checklist, but my boyfriend was unenthused. There was just one small detail that I hadn’t factored in: it's very badly located if ever zombies attack. FML

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By Oopsie

Today, I accidentally sent a screenshot of my Tinder conversation to my mom, instead of my friend. Yes, it was dirty. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, a car hit me while I was in a crosswalk. The driver jumped out of her car and stepped over me to check her car for damage. FML

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By kb - Canada - Toronto

Today, I accidentally sent my teacher a picture of me in my boyfriend's boxers instead of my essay. FML

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By shway - United States

Today, I was at the grocery with my 4 year old daughter. She needed me to tie one of her shoes so I bent down. When I was done, I tickled her under the armpit and she screamed "Don't touch me there!". Everyone in the store turned to stare. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Woodland

Today, my mom left the house in the morning, leaving me alone. I called and I got no answer. Hours later, she finally answers one of my calls and tells me that she'd been in an AA meeting all this time. Happy, I tell her to come home. She came home drunk. FML

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By astocks - United States

Today, I found a picture of my military husband kissing another woman. His excuse? It was photoshopped. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New Hyde Park

Today, my younger brother, who still lives in our parents' basement and has never held a job in his life, announced that his girlfriend is pregnant with their third child. I'm a college graduate living on my own and I've never even had sex. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Ouch

Today, I was giving my boyfriend a blow job. I thought it was going great and I was doing a good job, until he told me to "stop chomping on it like it's a hot dog." FML

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By Shelbitchh - United States

Today, my mom decided to take away my TV after noticing that I watch the show True Blood. Apparently, since I watch this, I must be "curious about sex." I'm 19. FML

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By boyfriend123 - United States

Today, my girlfriend woke me up at 5 am because she thought someone was watching her from the park. It was a trash can. FML

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By - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, I had a anxiety attack about taking my anxiety medicine. FML

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By BMTH2296 - United States

Today, I realized how sad my life is when for my 18th birthday, I went to a strip club, by myself, in GTA V. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2020 08:01 - Europe

Do not want

Today, I had a chat with a one-night stand and she's decided to keep the child. My life is basically over. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was sick, and decided to work from home. After coding for a few hours, I took a break, and being home alone, I watched porn. A few minutes later, I received messages from my colleagues telling me to shut it down. I had forgotten I was working on teamviewer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mount Vernon

Today, I had my first job interview in months. The guy chuckled mockingly at my master's degree in philosophy and wound up admitting that he had no idea why I'd even been selected to be interviewed. FML

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By DocBastard, meet DocCunt - Australia - Sydney

Today, my surgeon was talking to me about my upcoming heart bypass operation. I was extremely nervous from the start, but he somehow managed to keep saying things like "death", "fatalities", "high-risk", and "never wake up" throughout. FML

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By Igballoon2 - 23/4/2020 14:00

Get a load of this nerd!

Today, I was told that school was cancelled for the rest of the year. School is/was my one place of escape, and the only distraction in my life. It's now not going to be an escape until September. FML

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By blabla - Brazil

Today, I rushed home during a torrential downpour. When I got back, I went to take a pee and took off my wet socks while I had the chance. Once I finished, I stood up with used toilet paper in one hand and wet socks in the other. Guess which I tossed into the toilet. FML

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By Hair problems

Today, I woke up with greasy hair, despite taking a shower last night. After washing my hair several times and it not going away, I realized that yesterday I put aerosol deodorant in my hair instead of hairspray. FML

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By klutz - United States - Woburn

Today, I broke my fifth bone in three years. While I'd like say that they've all been scary, athletic injuries, most have been from attempting to do things as mundane as walking. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, a kid came trick or treating to my house. When I told him Halloween was nearly two weeks ago, his reaction was to savagely kick me in the shin and run off screaming obscenities. This is the same kid who broke down in tears when I gave him candy on the real Halloween. FML

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By firefromherlips - United States - Gallatin

Today, I found out the position I thought I had earned by working hard was only to separate me from my coworkers because I "talked too much". Instead of addressing the issue like adults, I've essentially been put in time-out. FML

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By limeychefboy

Today, I was on my motorbike 200km from home in the middle of nowhere when I needed to poop, so I found a wooded area and did my thing. As I was climbing back up, I knocked my helmet from its perch and watched it roll right into what I’d just left. FML

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By gtfoocd - United States

Today, my extremely OCD girlfriend wouldn't have sex with me because my bedroom wasn't "properly symmetrical." FML

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By - France

Today, my girlfriend has big fake boobs, but gets offended when I tell her how much I like them. FML

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By wtfiswrongwithher - Australia

Today, I discovered my wife has a YouTube channel dedicated to 20 second videos of her wearing a fake mustache and making weird sounds. FML

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By Baby Face

Today, I was at work refreshing the shelves when a man turned the corner and said, very surprised, "You look 12!" A few weeks back, two people did the same thing, only they said I looked 9. I'm almost 21 years old, and just very short. Starting to get just a little self conscious here. FML

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By MereLewis95 - United Kingdom

Today, my mother called me urgently from the kitchen. Thinking she was hurt, I ran to her as fast as possible. She threw a wet cloth at my head and ran away, laughing her face off. FML

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By notyouagain - Australia

Today, I went over to my friend's house. Her 5 year old son answered the door and when he saw me said, 'oh great, it's YOU' and slammed the door in my face. FML

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By Moving On - United States

Today, I found out my parents' New Year's resolution is to get me to move out. FML

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By Anonymous - Switzerland - Ruschlikon

Today, my boyfriend told me I sound like a squeaky toy during sex, and asked if I could get it under control because it creeps him out. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I learned that when I start University next month I will have to either pay $900 for an all-access semester-long parking pass, pay $200 for for a bus pass that takes an hour to get to campus, or pay $100 to park outside campus and walk 4 miles to and from class each day. FML

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Top comments

By jtek | 0

#67752 - Sunday 29 March 2009 20:22

That could have happened to anybody. I feel your pain!

By TheAntiComment | 0

#67975 - Sunday 29 March 2009 21:30

so you didnt get laid Im guessing

COMMENTS

By Jasper_fml | 0

#67654 - Sunday 29 March 2009 20:03

you deserved that one.

edit: first.

By chiaro | 0

#67657 - Sunday 29 March 2009 20:04

were you driving without a license?

Reply

pingpongpickle | 8

#1025934 - Thursday 10 June 2010 5:06

who drives with a license these days?

Reply

Isoldael | 27

#3122223 - Wednesday 17 August 2011 0:28

Maybe OP didn't have his license in his wallet?

By kaizer_fml | 0

#67663 - Sunday 29 March 2009 20:04

very smooth...YDI

By sono54 | 0

#67699 - Sunday 29 March 2009 20:10

you blew it

By StopWhiningPpl | 0

#67706 - Sunday 29 March 2009 20:11

You deserved it, but that still sucks. I've had those days before.

By Bryan_Z | 0

#67708 - Sunday 29 March 2009 20:11

at least fuck him to make up for it

Reply

molil_4810 | 0

#1446650 - Thursday 23 September 2010 9:51

her*!

By jtek | 0

#67752 - Sunday 29 March 2009 20:22

That could have happened to anybody. I feel your pain!

By lesb_lv | 0

#67765 - Sunday 29 March 2009 20:25

Ohhh, FYL :(
I sometimes forget my wallet @home... Lucky that you werent stopped by police.

By Frlf | 0

#67780 - Sunday 29 March 2009 20:29

Wao. That sucks.

By craigahh | 0

#67810 - Sunday 29 March 2009 20:38

I think we've all done it. I lost my debit card the day before prom and I didn't have any cash... I didn't realize it until dinner was over :

All that aside, YDI.