Money: Today, I got a chance to have dinner and a movie with a girl... - FML

By BrokeAsAJoke - United States

Today, I got a chance to have dinner and a movie with a girl I've liked for a while. I ran late, so in a hurry to make the movie, and trying to be smooth for her, I told the waiter I'd "take care of him" if he made it fast. He did. When he brought the check, I realized I had forgotten my wallet. FML

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Out of it

Season finale

BO Central

By HiImAlfredo - United States - Hampton

Today, I went deep-sea fishing with my friends. I told them my new phone case is waterproof, and I showed them by pouring a bit of water on it. My friend decided to throw it in the water for a better example. The case didn't float. FML

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By kismet_fire - United States - San Francisco

Today, a customer yelled at me because I gave her a wrinkled bag. I work in retail, and the bags are all cheap plastic. She wouldn't stop, even when I gave her 3 different bags. FML

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By Anonymous - Argentina - Buenos Aires

Today, my boyfriend's daughter asked me what would happen if she chose to stop urinating for two weeks. She wanted to know whether it would kill her or just start coming out of her mouth. She's 17-years old, and was deadly serious. FML

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By BadLuck - United Kingdom - Bicester

Today, four days before Christmas, I discovered a rash on my daughter's shoulder. The doctor took one look and said, "It's chicken pox. Merry Christmas." FML

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By xrebeccalou - United States

Today, I went to my long-distance boyfriend's party. His best friend was talking to me and trying to make conversation, he asked, "So, are you two official?" I responded with a definite yes, but was cut off mid-word by my boyfriend, who quickly said, "No, not really." Sorry, I wasn't aware, darling. FML

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By mrmidi - United States

Today, I learned two important facts: #1 A grown man can, in fact, get beaten up by a teenage girl, and #2 If someone is convinced you are someone else, there is no telling them otherwise. FML

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By Rehab - United States

Today, I was looking through my computer's history to find a website I had visited. I found an online forum where my son was discussing how to inject Oxycontin. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/3/2021 11:01

Circular logic

Today, I was told I was disrespectful for letting a parent know that her son was disrespecting adults. FML

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By hopeless cluts - Canada

Today, as I was crossing the slush covered street to catch the bus, I slipped and fell right in the middle of the road. A woman in a car rolled down her window. She didn't ask if I was okay but just laughed and took a picture of me covered in cold, wet slush. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I finally found out whether or not my boyfriend is cheating on me. Turns out he isn't. He is cheating on his wife, with me. FML

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By lukey101 - 17/12/2020 01:58 - Australia - Caboolture

That took a dark turn…

Today, I asked a colleague what part of town he was from. After explaining, he went on to say how much his wife loved the house and its location. That was of course until she died and soiled herself in their bed one night, which he didn't realise until the next morning. Sorry for asking. FML

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By Andrew - United States - Monroe

Today, whilst in an argument with my girlfriend, I told her she was the craziest bitch I'd ever met. She responded with "Challenge accepted." I'm now terrified. FML

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By karmavictim

Today, I swerved out of the way to avoid hitting a squirrel, and in the process hit another squirrel. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, it was snowing. I slipped on the ice and fell in the middle of the road, dislocating my left shoulder and knee. As I was screaming in pain and trying to stand up, two boys on the pavement threw snowballs at me while everyone in the cars just drove around me. FML

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By - United States - Ithaca

Today, my first grade student apologized for cutting his bangs off in class, and explained that it was his mom's birthday and he had wanted to make her an origami flower. Out of his hair. FML

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By silent one - United States

Today, I had to stifle a fart so my upstairs neighbors wouldn't hear it. I know this because I frequently hear theirs. FML

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By djangle - United States

Today, my marriage counselor told me I have the communication skills of a Lou Gehrig's patient. FML

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By OrangeTree12 - Canada

Today, a really cute guy sat across from me on the bus. He smiled at me, then tensed his muscles and lifted a heavy bag with one arm. Thinking he was trying to act "macho" to impress me, I rolled my eyes and threw him an annoyed/disgusted look. When he got off, I realized he only had one arm. FML

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By unsatisfying - Australia

Countdown

Today, my wife checked the time while we were having sex. Twice. FML

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By asdf - United States

Today, was my high school's senior awards ceremony. Over 400 people were crammed in the hot auditorium. I won five awards and each time I was called up the laughter grew louder. Apparently even the back row could see my pit stains. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2021 21:30

Turbulence

Today, I had a several-hour-long flight. I was put in a seat at the very back of the plane. Before the plane even lifted off, a woman took a dump in the bathroom that I stank for the rest of the flight. Whenever I tried to get some sleep, the flight attendant walked past, savagely jostling me. FML

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By Elena - United States

Today, after having worked two jobs for months to save up for a big vacation, I came home to find my hard-earned money replaced by my boyfriend's brand new motorcycle. FML

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By Ouchithurt - United States

Today, I was following my girlfriend up the stairs, I was pretty sure I was going to get lucky. As I was almost up the set of stairs, she lifted her skirt and revealed to me that she wasn't wearing any panties. I fell backwards down the stairs. FML

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By worksux - United States

Today, at work, my computer started acting up. I told my boss I could fix it, but he told me to call the IT department instead. Neither the IT technician or his supervisor could figure it out, so I showed them what was wrong and how to fix it. I was promptly fired for wasting 2 hours of company time. FML

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By chubbs - United States - Vacaville

Today, after waiting 2 hours for my landlord to leave so I could take a shit in peace, I sat down on the toilet. The doorbell immediately rang. It was my landlord, who wanted to let me know that he had just backed into my car. FML

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By LivingInMisery - United States - Cape Girardeau

Today, I was supposed to have my advising appointment for my next semester of college. When I got to campus, it was windy and raining so heavily that my clothes were sopping wet within a minute of stepping out of my car. My advisor didn't show up. FML

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By - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, when I went to my gp for an annual check up, I was complaining to the nurse about my chronically sore ankle. Turns out it has been fractured for 8 years. When I was 11 I was playing in my grans garden and went over on it. FML

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By no that does not help - United States - Austin

Today, I went to see a therapist for help with my severe fear of spiders. The therapist held a big spider in a box inches away from my face. I ran to the back of the room and asked him why. He responded with, "Aren't therapists supposed to help you face your fears?" I'm paying $150 an hour. FML

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By you're just creepy. - Canada - Whitehorse

Today, I smiled at a new kid and started a conversation with him, just to be nice. He later sent me 24 messages describing how strong his love for me is. I'm scared to go to school tomorrow. FML

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By brownunderwear - United States

Today, I took a poop that was three states of matter. Solid, liquid, and gas. FML

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By Smart - United States

Today, while teaching my high school class about astronomy, I showed them a picture of earth from space. One girl raised her hand, and asked me what the "white things" were. In other words, clouds. FML

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By dumbass - United States

Today, I sprained my ankle trying to prove that I can walk in high heels. FML

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By dine and DASH our friendship

Today, I served my good friend and his girlfriend at the restaurant where I work. They did a "dine and dash". FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, my boss told me that if I didn't become his neighbor on Farmville I wouldn't have a job. I laughed. He didn't. FML

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By xharuki - United States

Today, I was closing at work when someone came in ten minutes before close (2am) and placed a huge order. I couldn't turn him away because he's my manager from my other job. He was drunk. FML

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By sadstorylifee - United States

Today, I had to admit to my parents that the reason I don't want a sixteenth birthday party isn't because I'm being spoiled and I expected my parents to take me on a lavish vacation, but because I don't have any friends to invite. FML

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By callen5 - United States

Today, I was talking to my girlfriend over Skype. I said I loved her and hoped we would be together forever. She responded by singing Who Wants to Live Forever into her mic. FML

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By IDon't - Australia - Berkeley Vale

Today, my fiancée told me she can't marry me. Our wedding day is tomorrow and around 20 of our 180 guests attending have travelled half way around the world just for the occasion. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, I found out that I'm highly-placed in my wrestling competition this year. I also found out that I have mono and won't be able to take part for at least the first half of the competition. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Frisco

Today, for the first time ever, one of my birthday wishes came true. I wished for my crush to come hang out with me, and she did. I wasted my birthday wish on an awkward silence. FML

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Top comments

By jtek | 0

#67752 - Sunday 29 March 2009 20:22

That could have happened to anybody. I feel your pain!

By TheAntiComment | 0

#67975 - Sunday 29 March 2009 21:30

so you didnt get laid Im guessing

COMMENTS

By Jasper_fml | 0

#67654 - Sunday 29 March 2009 20:03

you deserved that one.

edit: first.

By chiaro | 0

#67657 - Sunday 29 March 2009 20:04

were you driving without a license?

Reply

pingpongpickle | 8

#1025934 - Thursday 10 June 2010 5:06

who drives with a license these days?

Reply

Isoldael | 27

#3122223 - Wednesday 17 August 2011 0:28

Maybe OP didn't have his license in his wallet?

By kaizer_fml | 0

#67663 - Sunday 29 March 2009 20:04

very smooth...YDI

By sono54 | 0

#67699 - Sunday 29 March 2009 20:10

you blew it

By StopWhiningPpl | 0

#67706 - Sunday 29 March 2009 20:11

You deserved it, but that still sucks. I've had those days before.

By Bryan_Z | 0

#67708 - Sunday 29 March 2009 20:11

at least fuck him to make up for it

Reply

molil_4810 | 0

#1446650 - Thursday 23 September 2010 9:51

her*!

By jtek | 0

#67752 - Sunday 29 March 2009 20:22

That could have happened to anybody. I feel your pain!

By lesb_lv | 0

#67765 - Sunday 29 March 2009 20:25

Ohhh, FYL :(
I sometimes forget my wallet @home... Lucky that you werent stopped by police.

By Frlf | 0

#67780 - Sunday 29 March 2009 20:29

Wao. That sucks.

By craigahh | 0

#67810 - Sunday 29 March 2009 20:38

I think we've all done it. I lost my debit card the day before prom and I didn't have any cash... I didn't realize it until dinner was over :

All that aside, YDI.