Today, I fractured two ribs from coughing. My doctor told me... - FML

By Anonymous - 16/2/2016 00:01 - United States

Today, I fractured two ribs from coughing. My doctor told me to stop coughing, or I would fracture them more. I have bronchitis. FML

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Instadrama

Too embarrassed to get them from a store?

Live dumping

By Jessica - 27/12/2011 04:11 - United States

Today, I found out that my best friend won $1,000 in a photography contest. With a photo I took. FML

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By tired - 16/1/2013 19:02 - United States - Boston

Today, I walked up sixteen flights of stairs to my room to avoid the lift lines. When I was almost to the top, the fire alarm sounded. FML

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By Alex - 21/11/2018 03:00 - United States - Monterey Park

Today, my wife, being very considerate, bought me a new phone for my birthday. That would be fine and dandy if cops didn't enter my house and say I stole it. Turns out my wife payed $900 from MY credit card to the person who stole the phone. FML

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By locked out - 27/11/2017 18:30 - United States - Marion

Today, I called a locksmith to unlock my car. He got it unlocked, but broke the handle so the door wouldn’t open. We had to break a window to get in. He still charged me his usual fee. FML

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By NotASize0 - 4/4/2013 15:12 - Denmark

Today, while shopping for a birthday present for my size 0 friend, I picked out a pair of pants for her. When paying, the cashier looked me up and down and said, "Well, you're pretty optimistic aren't you?" FML

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By bels12 - 5/1/2010 05:15 - Australia

Today, I bought a new Siamese Fighting Fish. I was so happy with my new fish so I bought him an expensive lovely bowl, some weeds, and a toy for the bowl. I left the room to get the fish food. When I returned, the fish was gone, and the cat was sitting on the table. FML

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By WorstLifeEver - 25/6/2010 00:45 - United States

Today, I was walking around in the mall when I dropped my purse. When I bent down to pick it up, some guy came up behind me, humped my ass, then ran away laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/1/2016 16:01 - United States - Worcester

Today, I finally had sex after a year-long dry spell. It caused an ovarian cyst to rupture and ended up with me in the ER. I'm afraid to ever have sex again. FML

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By SoClose - 3/4/2013 16:57 - United States - Columbus

Today, I was approached by a What Not to Wear kind of show, where you get money to buy a new wardrobe. I was so excited that I fainted. They revoked the offer, reasoning that someone who faints so easily would be too much of a liability risk. FML

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By SpeakerPhone - 14/11/2009 17:31 - France

Today, in a big meeting, my secretary calls me saying that I have an important call waiting. I put the call through. It was my beautician, confirming my appointment to get rid of an ingrown hair. I hurriedly confirm and hang up to see everyone in the room giggling. The speaker phone was on. FML

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By Username - 16/4/2011 05:14 - United States

Today, I realized that potato chips are made from potatoes. I'm 26. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2017 04:00

Today, I walked in on my husband drinking the breast milk I had bottled for our child. His defense was that it's easy to confuse the container for the normal milk with the one for the breast milk. Can someone please explain to me how a person can confuse a milk carton with a baby bottle? FML

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By John - 13/1/2011 21:12 - United States

Today, I cleaned my entire apartment hoping to find the source of the terrible odor I've been smelling for the past week. It's me. FML

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By satanworshipper - 18/10/2012 04:58 - United States - Hollywood

Today, I received another death threat for teaching evolution in college. I'm a geology teacher. FML

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By machina - 16/7/2019 04:01

Today, I approached my mother for comfort, because I've been feeling depressed and unloved by anyone lately. She replied, “Honestly, I stopped loving you back when you were a toddler.” FML

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By Crypticbeerbelly - 11/1/2017 14:44

Today, I was reading a recipe list on my tablet. I moved a little, and one of my fat rolls came into contact with a button which closed the tab. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2010 11:29 - Turkey

Today, I was in my hotel room. I picked up an expensive wine from the mini fridge, just to see what it is. I heard a mechanical "bling". I was charged for it. Then, I tried to put it back, only to hear another "bling". I was charged twice for expensive wine that I won't even drink. FML

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By Angie - 24/3/2011 19:07 - South Africa

Today, my twelve year old neighbour decided to give a Hannah Montana concert in her backyard, starring herself. Unfortunately, she only knew three lines of the song "The Best of Both Worlds" and screamed them repeatedly at the top of her lungs. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2015 03:19 - United States - Seattle

Today, a while after finishing and uploading a task, I looked at my peers' work to make sure I hadn't missed anything in mine. One of them had gotten the same idea and had decided to incorporate part of my work into his. "Part" as in "all". "All" as in all of his work is also all of mine. FML

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By killmyself - 23/1/2009 19:50 - United States

Today, I was masturbating lying on the lower bed of my brother's and my bunk beds. I finished jacking off and tried to get up to clean myself I hit my head on metal panel of the upper bed and passed out. Later woke up in my bed... found out my parents came home and saw me passed out naked holding a porn mag. FML

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By JulesBlues - 9/7/2019 06:00

Today, I sat in my doctor's office and broke down, crying and shaking, with a blood pressure of 190, getting off my chest everything that has gone wrong in my life lately. To which the doctor, well into her sixties, replied, "My goodness, I've never met anyone with so many problems!" FML

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By craZycatLady - 20/4/2015 18:06 - United States - Mission

Today, while spring cleaning, my cat came into the kitchen with a live mouse in her mouth. She looked me dead in the eyes and dropped the mouse, which then ran into my bedroom. It's been 4 hours and I still can't find it. Where's the cat? Chilling like nothing happened. FML

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By gloomy - 15/8/2017 20:00

Today, my daughter and I went to the mall. While we were looking for clothes, she walked away from me and touched a man on the arm and smiled and said "Hi!" The man freaked out and screamed at me for letting that "thing" in public and to "wear a condom next time." FML

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By Anonymous - 3/5/2020 23:00

Great boyfriend

Today, I'm 37 years-old and recently out of a job. As my boyfriend refuses to pay more than half the rent as long as I live here, I have no choice but to move back in with my mom, 8 hours away. My man is quite happy to pay the entire rent as soon as I'm gone. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/2/2011 10:02 - Australia

Today, to give the illusion that I have friends, I wrote an outrageous status on Facebook, and then pretended it was the result of a friend hacking my page, all in the hope that it would get comments, likes or at least some attention. Nothing happened. FML

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By Roma-Jay - 22/7/2012 14:13 - United Kingdom - Coventry

Today, while trying to look cute and playing with my hair in front of a boy, I pulled a piece of my hair extension out. FML

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By leenibeani4 - 8/3/2010 03:12 - United States

Today, at the eye doctor, they asked for my birth date for the files. My dad answered quickly, "May 28, 1994." It was embarrassing to have to correct him with "April 19, 1993." Who's May 28? Way to go dad. FML

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By ouch - 7/4/2015 01:51 - United States - Union City

Today, I stopped to replace a stuffed bear that had fallen from a small memorial for a girl killed nearby. Her mom happened to walk by and thought I was stealing it. She hit me with her purse. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/11/2018 13:30

Today, I was asleep in my back garden and woke up when a bird landed on my hat and took a big shit right in my open mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2011 07:24 - Canada

Today, I walked in on my daughter trying to tan herself with her regular desk lamp. She won't believe that it wouldn't give her a tan. She's 16 years old. This isn't the first time this has happened. FML

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By yeetyeet - 9/3/2019 22:00 - United States - Whitehall

Today, we were taking a bio quiz and I understood the subject, so the people sitting behind me asked me to help them out. Being a kind fellow classmate, I did. When the teacher got suspicious, she asked the class, "How are all of you getting the same answers?" everyone pointed directly at me. FML

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By cullenthegreat - 25/8/2016 16:26 - United States - Villanova

Today, on my second morning at college, I tried to make coffee using my Keurig. I realized after I got back from my shower that I hadn't put a cup under the machine. All 3 drawers of my dresser are now filled with coffee. FML

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By Singlewife - 23/3/2019 22:00

Today my husband got drunk and wrecked the house. And when I say wrecked the house, I mean ripping everything off book shelves, Tearing the ceiling fan out of the wall, Opening the fridge and shoveling everything out. Glass everywhere. etc. and this isn’t the first time. I clean up every time. FML

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By thisblows - 11/4/2009 20:42 - United States

Today, I was at a professional hockey game. I wasn't paying attention and a puck was shot into the stands and hit me in the face. My mouth was bleeding and I lost two teeth. As I was trying to cough up my teeth the old man next to me shoved me over and stole the puck. Everyone cheered. FML

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By Webmonkey - 8/1/2009 13:30 - United States

Today, I turned around in my cubicle to see the entire marketing department (myself excluded) getting ready to have lunch together. Nobody mentioned it to me. FML

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By WhoopteeDooDoo - 12/10/2011 22:47 - United States

Today, I pulled into the gas station to fill up only to realize I had forgot my wallet. By the time I went home, got it, and came back, the price had gone up eleven cents. FML

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By newlyengaged - 8/1/2017 18:11 - United States - Atlanta

Today, my mother excitedly jumped up and down, announcing that one of her sweet younger coworkers got engaged. I wished she'd had the same reaction to my engagement when I announced it to her a few days earlier. FML

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By worried - 16/8/2011 13:20 - United Kingdom

Today, I heard that a boy in my class had written a song about me. Intrigued, I went to see him perform. I spent 3 excruciating minutes listening to a song about 'the girl of his dreams', his tear-filled eyes staring into mine the whole time. I have to sit next to this freak for the next 2 years. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/7/2019 06:00

Today, my cat still loves my boyfriend more than me. I spent around 6 months convincing my boyfriend to get a cat. FML

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By minibuch1505 - 21/9/2012 11:31 - France - Halluin

Today, as I was waiting for my girlfriend in the street, I saw a woman who looked a lot like her. I ran towards her, my arms in the air ready to give her a hug, only to realise it wasn't her. I then had to pass the woman, my arms in the air, still running. FML

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Top comments

By Steffi3 | 40

#6538131 - Tuesday 16 February 2016 12:10

Just stop breathing. How hard can it be?

By Darkness_Hate | 29

#6538132 - Tuesday 16 February 2016 12:11

How the hell could someone stop coughing?... Fyl for the bronchitis and for that doctor as well.

Comments

By Steffi3 | 40

#6538131 - Tuesday 16 February 2016 12:10

Just stop breathing. How hard can it be?

By Darkness_Hate | 29

#6538132 - Tuesday 16 February 2016 12:11

How the hell could someone stop coughing?... Fyl for the bronchitis and for that doctor as well.

Reply

teentee401 | 36

#6538477 - Tuesday 16 February 2016 20:31

("Alright, Henry. Years of medical training have prepared you for this moment.")

"What should I do about my ribs, doc?"

"Just...don't...cough?"

("Nailed it.")

By ananicosia | 28

#6538133 - Tuesday 16 February 2016 12:12

Ain't nobody got time for that

Reply

Dale_shackleford | 13

#6538227 - Tuesday 16 February 2016 15:49

Oh lord Jesus it's a fire

Reply

MariaGiovanni | 25

#6538282 - Tuesday 16 February 2016 17:15

OP ain't had no shoes or nothing Jesus

Reply

heartofhannah | 28

#6538909 - Wednesday 17 February 2016 5:02

Wonder if OP went to get them a cold pop?

By llamadramas | 20

#6538134 - Tuesday 16 February 2016 12:13

sorry op, that sucks!! FYL

By WittyMoron | 22

#6538135 - Tuesday 16 February 2016 12:19

Some doctor you got there.

By SleepyPharma | 21

#6538136 - Tuesday 16 February 2016 12:19

I sincerely hope they did not tell you that without prescribing some hefty cough medicine.

By sirdannyboy1 | 20

#6538137 - Tuesday 16 February 2016 12:22

Sorry to hear that, OP. I hope you feel better soon!

By fuckfuckityfuck | 16

#6538139 - Tuesday 16 February 2016 12:25

Did you escape from a burning building by any chance?

Reply

xSpodermanx | 9

#6538907 - Wednesday 17 February 2016 5:01

Yes!!!

By Nomaddict | 14

#6538140 - Tuesday 16 February 2016 12:26

if you break the rest of your ribs, nothing can stop you from coughing.

By nickie_94 | 18

#6538142 - Tuesday 16 February 2016 12:34

Your doctor could at least do his job and prescribe you medicine for the coughing