Love: Today, my boyfriend still won't get a job, because he's convinced... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend still won't get a job, because he's convinced he's going to make millions inventing and selling carbonated ketchup. FML

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Walk on the wild side

Supply and demand

Family values

By Unknown - United States - Cincinnati

Today, I learned to never invite my father to a wedding. He'll show up late, complain about the food, piss on a tree, and leave. FML

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By artclasstrauma - United States

Today, in my art class we had to paint a nude portrait of a fat, old woman. About halfway through the piece, and while painting her fat rolls, I realized she was the only person other than myself I had ever seen naked. FML

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By jarv49 - Australia

Today, I saw my doc about the painful swelling I've had in my arm all week. He seemed totally out of it, and ended up telling me it's all in my head, despite the swelling. When I respectfully suggested it might be a blood issue, he just said "nah". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was taking a leak in the mall bathroom. A kid no older than thirteen strolled in and paused next to me at the urinals. He took one look and laughed, "I feel sorry for your wife, man." All I could do was stand there as he casually disappeared into one of the stalls. FML

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By rmo1776 - United States

Today, I went to a very nice reception at a hotel. I glanced inside the ballroom and saw that no one else was in there and, not wanting to be the first one there, I walked past and into the stairway. Turns out, I had walked into the emergency exit stairs and had to set off the alarm to get out. FML

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By Apes - United States - Temecula

Today, my cat learned how to open doors. Ever since then she's been running up to my room, opening my door, and running away. My cat is playing ding-dong ditch. FML

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By bella - United States - Edinburg

Today, I was babysitting my barely-pubescent cousins, and they started talking about giving blowjobs to their "boyfriends". When I got mad at them and told them they shouldn't be thinking of that stuff, they said I was just pissed 'cause I haven't gotten laid. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rainier

Today, I received a prank phone call that woke me up. I actually kept them on the line because they were the first person to call me in weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Slough

Today, my girlfriend was suspended from work after she was caught fucking one of her co-workers. FML

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By S3XY_SiNG3R

Confinement, episode 3774

Today, I woke up to use the restroom, because I had to take a shit. There was basically no toilet paper left. I asked my boyfriend if he could go get some. It was 1 a.m. He said he’d go when the stores were open, then told me to just rinse off in the shower. FML

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By C0olgirl - United States

Today, my best friend and I came home from Japan. Her boyfriend and I have been having an affair before I left so I decided not to tell him she was coming with me. We just got off the plane and got a bite to eat, he was waiting for me so he could propose, my best friend was standing next to me. FML

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By jack - France - Ajaccio

Today, I invited the girl I like out for a meal. She replied, “Sorry, I already have plans”. I asked her what they were. “I don’t know yet, but I’ll think of something.” FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was masturbating, and out of the corner of my eye I saw a figure. It was my neighbor staring at me through the window with a total look of disgust. I moved in this weekend and hadn't yet introduced myself to her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom picked my ex-boyfriend up early from school to take him to see a special screening of a documentary that's showing in town. She left me after school for an hour and a half because they ended up going out for coffee afterwards. FML

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By bethanygirl - United States

Today, I had to cancel my birthday party because of snow. It's October. FML

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By Ow - United Kingdom - Swanscombe

Today, my little sister decided to move one of the mouse traps I set for our current mouse problem onto my desk chair. Apparently when a mouse is caught in a mousetrap it's cruel, but when it snaps on my balls, that's hilarious. FML

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By OhGeez - Canada

Today, I got hypnotized at my school's variety show. Apparently, when asked to do something I enjoy doing, I began to violently hump the floor. FML

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By gkline09 - United States

Today, I walked out to my car to see a broken window, a bunch of stuff missing, egg shells, and a note that read "stop banging my boyfriend". I haven't had anyone in over a year. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2020 02:02

Better off out

Today, I was fired because I spoke up about a supervisor mistreating me. The assistant VP spent the meeting demeaning me to “teach me a lesson” and then said she was firing me because I “stirred the pot." Man, I really loved that job but I won’t miss the toxic work culture. FML

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By sicksicksick - United States - Lansdale

Today, I have pink eye in both eyes, the stomach virus, and a cold. I'm also sitting at work because my boss "doesn't believe in sick days." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I drove 45 min from my college to surprise my girlfriend with roses after she got off work. She responded by taking the roses, dumping them in her back seat, and speeding off because she couldn't miss Survivor. FML

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By areyoukiddingme - United States

Today, I got yelled at by my mom for not being surprised enough at my surprise birthday party. She'd told me about it while drunk the night before. FML

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By mack - Canada

Today, I went to a 'haunted' theme park, actors had been trying to scare me the whole night. I was waiting by an outdoor heater for my friend when a hand came out of nowhere close to my face. I screamed at the top of my lungs, but it was only some chick wanting to warm her hands by the heater. FML

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By DevastatedWoman - Belgium - Kalmthout

Today, my doctor told me I'm pregnant. Since we've been trying for several years, I called my husband to tell him the good news. Not long after, my doctor called to inform me there'd been a clerical mix-up and I'm not actually pregnant after all. FML

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By prettyinpurple - United States

Today, I was in a car accident. After screaming at the woman for running into me, I got in my car and drove off. As I was driving away, I was staring her down when I ended up rear ending the person in front of me. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/6/2021 22:00

Told you so

Today, my wife is leaving me for the guy she told me not to worry about, who is also her ex. FML

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By bleach for my eyes please - 7/3/2021 17:01

My eyes! My eyes!

Today, I found out the hard way that my sister has an OnlyFans. Not judging sex workers, I just really wish I’d know she goes by a stage name before I opened the clip. The things I’ve seen… FML

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By Annette - United States - Seattle

Today, I started my new job. Less than one hour into the day, my boss told me that the reason he hired me was that I was the least attractive of everyone he interviewed, so I'd be less likely to cause a distraction. FML

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By dominator152 - United States

Today, my dad decided that my diploma makes a good pen-tester. FML

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By MaggotMother - United States

Today, I learned what live maggots in chocolate cake taste like. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out that the doctors accidentally perforated my left ear drum performing a routine wax syringing. I was at the doctor's for a completely different reason, having crushed my pinky at the gym. They can't fix either and my finger needs surgery, which can't happen until next week. FML

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By theholt - United States

Today, I saw a man on the bus with the strangest band shirt I have ever seen. I could not help but stare at it and try and figure what the band was, until he turned to me and said "why not take a picture asshole?" then got off the bus. As he walked away I saw that he was missing an arm. FML

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By Crissylove10 - United States

Today, I bought a fake "wedding ring" at Target to play a prank on my parents. They kicked me out, saying my "fiancé" can take care of me now. There is no fiancé, and I just lost my job. FML

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By immature - United Kingdom - Reading

Today, in astronomy class, a kid used Uranus in a hilarious innuendo. I was the only one who laughed. I also happen to be the teacher. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I learned that most teenagers would rather grab free candy from the broken vending machine than help the guy stuck underneath it get free. FML

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By Cody - United States

Today, my kids surprised me when I got home. One of them played the Rocky theme song on the stereo, and the other came up to me and said, "Daddy, let's go. We need you to drop about 15 pounds before you appear in front of all of our friends at our play." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hampton

Today, I had to attend a meeting with my parents, my teacher, and my bully and his parents. When we started, my bully "broke down" and "tearfully" told the teacher that I was the one bullying him, and that he was getting blamed to cover it all up. They believed him. FML

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By TTR - United States

Today, I finished a very important but annoying presentation that took four hours to complete. Only after writing a paragraph to explain the presentation and sending it to my boss did I realize that I saved the document as "Shit I have to do to get a promotion." FML

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By "Sonofaquiche"

No Ragerts

Today, after a night of drinking, I woke up in the hospital with a broken coccyx. Apparently, my drunk self came to the glorious conclusion that it would be a good idea to cannonball into a puddle while screaming "POOLPARTYYYY!" at the top of my lungs. FML

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By Tori - United States

Today, I went to a restaurant with my boyfriend. Within seconds of getting my drink, I spilled it all over the table and my scarf. When the waiter was helping clean up the spill, he knocked over my boyfriend's drink. All over my pants. FML

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Top comments

By geekpower_fml | 28

#6544533 - Thursday 25 February 2016 0:23

Maybe try talking him into getting a job so he can save money up from that to get a better loan for the ketchup thing?
We both know it'll never happen but hey, whatever works.

By dBLIZZARD | 20

#6544522 - Thursday 25 February 2016 0:20

I'd buy that tbh

COMMENTS

By dBLIZZARD | 20

#6544522 - Thursday 25 February 2016 0:20

I'd buy that tbh

Reply

Murilirum | 23

#6544583 - Thursday 25 February 2016 0:55

Now I'm curious. I'd at least buy it once. That's for sure.

Reply

supr_sexy | 9

#6544664 - Thursday 25 February 2016 2:47

foamy red thing coming out of bottle....YUCK!!!

Reply

JpTheGreat23 | 19

#6544714 - Thursday 25 February 2016 4:36

In the comments policy it does forbid text language. Just thought I would let everyone know.

Reply

killmenow03 | 21

#6544744 - Thursday 25 February 2016 5:15

#50 So TBH isn't okay but using OP is?

Reply

Adeptus_Astartes | 22

#6544764 - Thursday 25 February 2016 5:59

That's the first time I've ever seen a moderated comment with positive votes.

Reply

zzctdi | 3

#6545320 - Thursday 25 February 2016 23:25

Sounds like it could be good.... but I think maybe he needs to put down the bong and get a day job to go along with it.

By ETA211 | 6

#6544526 - Thursday 25 February 2016 0:21

Carbonated ketchup... Sounds pretty lit.

Reply

CheekyRaccoon | 27

#6544648 - Thursday 25 February 2016 2:30

It'd say, it's pretty saucy.

Reply

crudeandrudeguy | 29

#6544757 - Thursday 25 February 2016 5:41

Way to give away his idea

By Aerobic_Exorcism | 13

#6544527 - Thursday 25 February 2016 0:21

For when you want to look fancy eating your burgers and fries.

Reply

katydid91 | 31

#6544712 - Thursday 25 February 2016 4:34

Ketchup flavored champagne is real fancy eating.

By syki | 22

#6544530 - Thursday 25 February 2016 0:22

You'll be waiting a long while for him to catch up to reality.

Reply

gabimk23 | 13

#6544639 - Thursday 25 February 2016 2:07

ketchup to*

Reply

FalloutScrolls | 25

#6544657 - Thursday 25 February 2016 2:37

catsup to

Reply

picax8398 | 12

#6544931 - Thursday 25 February 2016 11:53

Get out

By geekpower_fml | 28

#6544533 - Thursday 25 February 2016 0:23

Maybe try talking him into getting a job so he can save money up from that to get a better loan for the ketchup thing?
We both know it'll never happen but hey, whatever works.

Reply

eski2015 | 22

#6545214 - Thursday 25 February 2016 19:40

How do you know?

By Eliiara | 11

#6544534 - Thursday 25 February 2016 0:23

Been there, and I can imagine how frustrating and exhausting that is for you.
He sounds like a man child. Try to talk with him.
Sorry op

By RayN156325 | 21

#6544535 - Thursday 25 February 2016 0:23

Who knows, maybe he will invent it, but until he does, you should probably tell him to get a job

By JayRod17 | 12

#6544537 - Thursday 25 February 2016 0:24

You just handed out his million dollar idea!

Reply

MandieL | 27

#6544551 - Thursday 25 February 2016 0:29

Hopefully he already put a patent on it

Reply

wolf12king | 12

#6544561 - Thursday 25 February 2016 0:36

It just a small loan

Reply

Brandi_Faith | 33

#6544666 - Thursday 25 February 2016 2:49

I bet he'd be furious if he knew she told everyone his idea.

By Mylehz | 13

#6544542 - Thursday 25 February 2016 0:26

I appreciate normal ketchup, I'm good

Reply

JKPwnage | 25

#6544974 - Thursday 25 February 2016 13:38

People appreciated normal phones before cell phones were invented

By Leauge | 13

#6544550 - Thursday 25 February 2016 0:29

I feel bad for who cleans his messes up.