Today, my boyfriend still won't get a job, because he's convinced... - FML

By Anonymous - 24/2/2016 17:28 - United States

Today, my boyfriend still won't get a job, because he's convinced he's going to make millions inventing and selling carbonated ketchup. FML

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Work name

Rock, hard place

White line fever

By beetregeneration - 16/11/2016 23:47 - United States - Stockton

Today, I was walking to a bathroom on campus before class when my professor walked in behind me. There were two urinals in the bathroom, we walked right up next to each other and unzipped our pants in unison. It became so awkward for me, I actually said out loud, "Nope, too awkward" and left. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2014 15:49 - United States - Bedford

Today, I was woken up by my dog touching my foot, so I tried to push it away. Then I realized that I'd kicked my girlfriend in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2014 21:07 - United States - Pensacola

Today, I asked my 12-year-old son what he wanted for his birthday. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, "A whore." FML

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By Julie - 25/12/2012 03:20 - United States - East Brunswick

Today, I woke up to find our Christmas tree knocked over, unwrapped presents scattered everywhere, and my mom passed out on the sofa with a bottle of booze. Merry Christmas. FML

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By issue - 7/9/2018 01:30

Today, I tried to get a job at Walmart. My mom was the hiring manager. She turned me down due to lack of work experience. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/1/2014 21:57 - Bahrain - Manama

Today, my daughter hugged me around the neck and whispered, "I'm going to cut your head off." I'm afraid to go to sleep now. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/5/2009 17:22 - United States

Today, I went to the pet store to get mice for my mom's snakes. While checking out, the guy working behind the register asked what kind of snakes I had. I told him they were my mom's and he mentioned this crazy woman that talks to her snakes. That's my mom. FML

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By mhmm... cumsquats - 9/2/2013 23:26 - Belgium - Kessel-lo

Today, after much coaxing, I finally got my roommate to loosen up and have a couple of beers with me and my friends. It was only later in the evening that he admitted the real reason he hadn't wanted to drink: he's an alcoholic and had been sober for six months, until now. FML

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By Blank - 17/6/2010 02:22 - United States

Today, my new step-dad proposed to my mom during a family trip to Wal-Mart. FML

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By lovehaterelationship - 10/3/2014 18:43 - Austria - Graz

Today, I had to study for an important test but I could barely focus because my roommate had his music blasting at full volume. Since we get along well, I decided to put up with it. I just found out he forgot to turn it off and left over 6 hours ago. FML

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By mistletoe - 9/12/2013 02:21 - United States - Miami

Today, as a pickup line, a guy said to me, "Yo, can I kiss your vag' under the mistletoe?" FML

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By donkeyd - 5/2/2010 16:29 - United States

Today, I woke up and had a voicemail from my boyfriend. I just thought nothing of it because it was a pocket dial. I decided to listen to it carefully and realized it was him having sex with another girl. FML

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By whywasitthere - 19/4/2017 09:00 - United States - New Braunfels

Today, I was walking down my road in the hill-country of Texas, when I spotted something shiny buried in the dirt. Thinking it could be something interesting, I picked it up, and, after turning it over numerous times in my hand, realized that it was, in fact, an old silver bullet vibrator. FML

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By missPiggy - 26/10/2015 08:27 - Norway

Today, a colleague found out that I struggled with anorexia when young. After ranting about how it's a silly 'Women's disease', he renamed me 'Miss Piggy' and made oinking noises every time I ate something. FML

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By frapples1 - 21/12/2009 19:30 - United States

Today, I was at a family party and everyone was seeing my new glasses for the first time. My 48 year old uncle told me that I look like a hot librarian and then grabbed my ass. He was still sober. FML

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By Jong - 10/3/2009 02:35 - United States

Today, I arrived at work only to be arrested and accused of stealing over $8000 from my job. 5 hours later at the police station, the discovery was made that the actual thief had an employee ID one digit different than mine. He works at another location over 1200 miles away. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2018 12:30

Today, I was playing card games with some colleagues a won a hand. One mate said jokingly "your mother never loved you!", I replied jokingly "at least your mother loved me"... All of a sudden he punched in the face and said, "don't ever disrespect my mother again". FML

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By sister_woes - 9/10/2010 06:36 - United States

Today, I didn't have my key, so my sister told me to call her to let me in. I called, no answer. I waited for 15 minutes and then called my dad complaining about her, still being outside. She popped her out the window and yelled, "Don't talk about me, bitch!" and wouldn't open the door. FML

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By Fatlady43 - 19/1/2010 05:08 - United States

Today, my niece offered me a slice of cake. After I refused, she asked, "Why not? Aren't fat people always hungry?" FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2015 21:52 - United States - Tupelo

Today, my 3-year-old pooped his pants in a public bathroom. As I was squatting down, doing my best to clean poop off of his legs and the floor, a wasp flew up my pant leg. I was stung four times before I danced it out of my pants. FML

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By funkyhed84 - 31/5/2017 11:00 - United Kingdom - York

Today, I answered the door to two Mormon girls from America. I live in the UK and am not religious at all, but I was too polite to slam the door and ended up letting them in. An hour later, a copy of 'The Book of Mormon' and 'My Pathway to Baptism' and I think I'm now a Mormon. FML

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By Isabelle18 - 19/7/2009 14:14 - Canada

Today, I was walking to work when I saw an empty pop can. Angry at whoever left it, I kicked it out of the way. Turns out it wasn't empty; it was filled with hornets. I had to run 2km to work while being attacked by a giant swarm of wasps. FML

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By sari14 - 11/2/2010 06:14 - United States

Today, I was standing at the top of the stairs petting my dog. The doorbell rang and my dog bolted down the stairs, tripping me. I fell down the whole flight of stairs backwards. Turns out the person at the door was my brother who had locked himself out. I almost died for no reason. FML

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By sadlife - 9/7/2009 18:50 - Canada

Today, I opened my lunch in front of my friends at university. I had a note in my lunch from my mother that said "Have a good day sweetie! - Love mom". I wrote that note, and put it in my lunch to impress my friends. FML

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By duckthehack - 28/1/2011 14:25 - Poland

Today, my 14 year old son got suspended and I had to pay for the damage after he sprayed "FUCK THE POLICE" on the back wall of his school. I'm a policeman. FML

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By Angry Mob - 1/2/2013 06:09 - Australia - Sydney

Today, most of my neighbours came to my house in an angry mob to complain about my dog barking. I don't have a dog. FML

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By confused - 7/4/2013 14:51 - Australia - Glen Waverley

Today, I was at University when a giant mascot started walking in my direction. As they walked past, they whispered my name seductively. I still don't know who it was. FML

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By LGraham - 16/6/2020 20:08

Weird kid

Today, my nephew kicked me in the balls, again! And he got me fair and square this time. It's the fourth time he's got me in the balls since the pandemic started. I have to put my groin guard from college on and teach him a lesson because he won't listen and he's 12, so he knows what he's doing. FML

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By Ms. Piggy - 2/3/2014 19:09 - United States - Clarksville

Today, I was shopping for dresses when my fiancé turned into what I can only call a groomzilla. He told me and my maid of honor that we need to lose weight because he's not "paying all this money for a pair of fatties to not look good." FML

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By RIP job - 28/9/2016 04:26 - Australia

Today, I had a job interview for an amazing opportunity. Too bad my nerves made me forget what the role was and where it was, mid-interview. FML

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By wheresmysweater - 28/12/2012 03:49 - United States - Raleigh

Today, my trunk froze shut with my Christmas presents inside. Since it was still shut, I went to the store. When I came out, some ice had melted and the trunk had popped open. All of my gifts were gone. FML

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By "leahkasscar" - 11/5/2019 12:00

Today, I'm stuck in a car with my sister who is currently having a screaming match with her boyfriend. FML

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By eleonor - 2/12/2008 04:57 - France

Today, I sent a text message to my boyfriend, saying "Come over in an hour, I love you." An hour later, the doorbell rang. It was my ex, looking happy and still as taken with me as before, with a bunch of roses. I'd got the wrong number. My ex and my boyfriend have the same name. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/2/2017 21:45 - Canada

Today, I had to explain to a customer that she can't use the bathroom while going through the drive-thru. I still don't understand what exactly she had in mind. FML

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By hatty - 23/9/2011 13:48 - United Kingdom

Today, I had my car valeted at my hotel. The manager came out, took my keys, and said the car would be waiting for me in an hour. I was then forced to watch from the lobby as the "manager" sped off downtown. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/6/2019 12:41

Today, I tripped over a kid at work. She was sitting on the floor with her legs sticking out into the walkway. Her mom caused a scene, accusing me of doing it on purpose. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2013 16:09 - United States - Deer Park

Today, my mother in-law made dessert. It was a beautiful chocolate cake, chocolate cookies, and every other thing had chocolate in it. I'm deathly allergic to chocolate and she knows this. FML

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By je_regrette_tout - 9/3/2013 18:50 - France - Livry-gargan

Today, a technician from my ISP came to my house to replace my router. He asked for a glass of water, one thing led to another, and for some reason I'll never fully understand, we ended up having sex. Looks like porn logic is not so far off the mark after all. FML

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By rookiemistake - 27/4/2015 03:12 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I went to a wine tasting for the first time. I copied the experienced people around me by swishing the wine around in my mouth, which I then choked on and spit out all over my white blouse. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/4/2012 09:45 - Canada - Thompson

Today, at a concert, I got into a fight with a man in a banana suit. FML

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Top comments

By geekpower_fml | 28

#6544533 - Thursday 25 February 2016 0:23

Maybe try talking him into getting a job so he can save money up from that to get a better loan for the ketchup thing?
We both know it'll never happen but hey, whatever works.

By dBLIZZARD | 20

#6544522 - Thursday 25 February 2016 0:20

I'd buy that tbh

Comments

By dBLIZZARD | 20

#6544522 - Thursday 25 February 2016 0:20

I'd buy that tbh

Reply

Murilirum | 23

#6544583 - Thursday 25 February 2016 0:55

Now I'm curious. I'd at least buy it once. That's for sure.

Reply

supr_sexy | 9

#6544664 - Thursday 25 February 2016 2:47

foamy red thing coming out of bottle....YUCK!!!

Reply

JpTheGreat23 | 19

#6544714 - Thursday 25 February 2016 4:36

In the comments policy it does forbid text language. Just thought I would let everyone know.

Reply

killmenow03 | 21

#6544744 - Thursday 25 February 2016 5:15

#50 So TBH isn't okay but using OP is?

Reply

Adeptus_Astartes | 22

#6544764 - Thursday 25 February 2016 5:59

That's the first time I've ever seen a moderated comment with positive votes.

Reply

zzctdi | 3

#6545320 - Thursday 25 February 2016 23:25

Sounds like it could be good.... but I think maybe he needs to put down the bong and get a day job to go along with it.

By ETA211 | 6

#6544526 - Thursday 25 February 2016 0:21

Carbonated ketchup... Sounds pretty lit.

Reply

CheekyRaccoon | 27

#6544648 - Thursday 25 February 2016 2:30

It'd say, it's pretty saucy.

Reply

crudeandrudeguy | 29

#6544757 - Thursday 25 February 2016 5:41

Way to give away his idea

By Aerobic_Exorcism | 13

#6544527 - Thursday 25 February 2016 0:21

For when you want to look fancy eating your burgers and fries.

Reply

katydid91 | 31

#6544712 - Thursday 25 February 2016 4:34

Ketchup flavored champagne is real fancy eating.

By syki | 22

#6544530 - Thursday 25 February 2016 0:22

You'll be waiting a long while for him to catch up to reality.

Reply

gabimk23 | 13

#6544639 - Thursday 25 February 2016 2:07

ketchup to*

Reply

FalloutScrolls | 25

#6544657 - Thursday 25 February 2016 2:37

catsup to

Reply

picax8398 | 12

#6544931 - Thursday 25 February 2016 11:53

Get out

By geekpower_fml | 28

#6544533 - Thursday 25 February 2016 0:23

Maybe try talking him into getting a job so he can save money up from that to get a better loan for the ketchup thing?
We both know it'll never happen but hey, whatever works.

Reply

eski2015 | 22

#6545214 - Thursday 25 February 2016 19:40

How do you know?

By Eliiara | 11

#6544534 - Thursday 25 February 2016 0:23

Been there, and I can imagine how frustrating and exhausting that is for you.
He sounds like a man child. Try to talk with him.
Sorry op

By RayN156325 | 21

#6544535 - Thursday 25 February 2016 0:23

Who knows, maybe he will invent it, but until he does, you should probably tell him to get a job

By JayRod17 | 12

#6544537 - Thursday 25 February 2016 0:24

You just handed out his million dollar idea!

Reply

MandieL | 27

#6544551 - Thursday 25 February 2016 0:29

Hopefully he already put a patent on it

Reply

wolf12king | 12

#6544561 - Thursday 25 February 2016 0:36

It just a small loan

Reply

Brandi_Faith | 33

#6544666 - Thursday 25 February 2016 2:49

I bet he'd be furious if he knew she told everyone his idea.

By Mylehz | 13

#6544542 - Thursday 25 February 2016 0:26

I appreciate normal ketchup, I'm good

Reply

JKPwnage | 25

#6544974 - Thursday 25 February 2016 13:38

People appreciated normal phones before cell phones were invented

By Leauge | 13

#6544550 - Thursday 25 February 2016 0:29

I feel bad for who cleans his messes up.