The Top · The all-time greatest FMLs

"I'll never drink again!"

Never say never!

Extreme DIY

Today, I attempted to fix my leaky sink using a tutorial I found on YouTube. Everything was going smoothly until I accidentally turned off the water to the entire apartment building instead of just my unit. Now I'm known as the superhero who flushed everyone's morning routine. FML

Teamwork Fail

He's trying so hard too...

Lizard queen

Today, someone tried to guess my age. They guessed 45, then 39. I'm 35 and just spent $20,000 on plastic surgery to make myself look more youthful. FML

Level up

Today, I got a bad performance rating at my new job. I was very depressed, and a colleague tried to console me. He said, "You're doing a good job for a level 59." which is a junior developer. I'm a level 63, a senior developer and a level above him. I don't know what hurt me more. FML

Settled

Today, my son is still single in his forties, so I asked him about it. Turns out, because he has his buddies and doesn’t want kids, he hires a house cleaning service twice a month and prostitutes twice a week, so he can’t think of any scenario in which a wife could improve his life. FML

Ouroboros

Today, I realized am THAT parent: I put a lot of pressure on my 8 year-old (!) daughter, because I hope she succeeds professionally and will have the self-confidence I lack. Why do I rather stay at home and lack self-confidence? Because my own mother put me under so much pressure and drowned me in her expectations. FML

Today, I was playing around with my sister's kitten. As a joke, I put him underneath the sheets and farted. He attacked my nuts. FML

Over the rainbow bridge

Today, my friend informed me that his dog died. Hoping to cheer him up, I sent him a random meme. My dumb ass mistakenly sent him a meme about dead dogs. FML

Oh nooooo!

Today, my husband has been sulking because he got the urge to play Runescape and discovered that his old account was hacked and he lost all his fake money and items. FML

What about king-size chocolate bars?

Today, I took away my daughter’s candy bar, saying, “Princesses never eat sweets.” She spent the next few hours crying, because she “didn’t want to be a princess anymore." FML

Triangle

Today, after I started dating a guy and a girl simultaneously to keep my options open, they turned out to be siblings. FML

Anger management

Today, I was mad at my boyfriend, so I yanked the power cord for his computer while he was gaming. Turns out, that fried part of his computer and now it won't turn on. He broke up with me, even after I apologized, and offered to replace the part. FML

Bang bang bank

Today, I learned that you should never take a girl you meet at the club home, even if she looks like she wouldn’t hurt a fly. We had the most amazing sex ever and I guess the edibles we had threw me off-guard. I woke up to find her gone and my house cleaned out. I didn’t even get her name. FML

Let me down gently

Today, I was in the park making out with a guy I’m seeing when I heard a familiar voice say, “Abby?” It was the guy who was trying to get with me for months but I told him I wasn’t ready for a relationship, rather than tell him that he was too ugly for me. If looks could kill… FML

Spluttering and confused

Today, I was in a supermarket using the self-checkout. I tried to scan a loaf of bread, but it wouldn't register. After several attempts and increasing frustration, I slammed the loaf down on the scanner. The bread tore open, and seeds flew everywhere. An old woman behind me said, "Technology can be hard for the young, too." FML

It's pronounced Renesmée

Today, I told my boyfriend in a joking manner that he says my name slightly incorrectly. Now he’s mad I didn’t tell him. FML

Easy mistake

Today, I accidentally left the store with a bag full of groceries without paying. I realized this halfway to my car when an employee chased me down, thinking I was a thief. Turns out, I had spaced out and walked out during a fire alarm drill. FML

I'm a mess

Today, I was at my usual grocery store when an elderly lady smiled at me and said, "It's so nice to see a young person not obsessed with their appearance." I was dressed in sweats, I hadn't showered, and hadn't brushed my hair. I’m not sure if I should be flattered or insulted. FML

HOW VERY DARE YOU?

Today, I pooped in a drug store bathroom but forgot to flush. I left to go find my mom and found her in the toy section. I guess after I had walked away oblivious, a woman had walked into the bathroom behind me and found the kids I'd abandoned. She then came and found my mom and me, then yelled at me. FML

Self-sabotage

Today, I really like my job and need it for sustenance. Despite that, my brain constantly finds ways to screw up my job. Outside of work, all my friends refer to me as "The Genius" or the "brilliant one". But at work, I'm a dunce. Why brain, why? FML

University challenge

Today, I got selected to participate in a trivia night after trying for ages. First question: "What is the capital city of Australia?" My brain completely stopped functioning and I confidently and incorrectly answered "Sydney." I've spent most of my life knowing the correct answer, but my brain wouldn't let me remember it when it mattered. FML

Knock out

Today, I saw a friend from college, who I'd cut ties with after her much older boyfriend convinced her to drop out of college and marry him. She looks amazing and has two beautiful kids, while I'm a struggling obese single mom. She said, "The hoe phase really worked out for you, I see." FML

Been there, done that

Today, I confidently told a joke at a party, only to completely butcher the punchline. Everyone still laughed… at me instead of the joke. FML

Incinerate

Today, while cooking dinner, I managed to set my oven mitt on fire. In my panic, I tried to throw it in the sink, but it landed on a stack of t-shirts, which were lying on the counter. Both the mitt and my favorite Sonic Youth t-shirt now have matching burn holes. FML

Big Brother shopping task IRL

Today, I sent an important email to my entire team, but I accidentally left a shopping list as the subject line. They responded with grocery items they needed. Nobody mentioned the email content. FML

It's the thought that counts

Today, my friends threw me a surprise birthday party. The problem? My birthday is tomorrow. I spent the entire evening pretending I was surprised and happy, all while knowing they got the date wrong. FML

Eavesdropping is never a good idea

Today, I had a meeting with my daughter's headmistress, which I thought went well, until I was walking to my car past the open staff room window and I heard her say to other teachers, “Jesus, I can see where that brat [my daughter's name] gets her shitty attitude from… and her fat arse.” They all laughed. FML

Cheating cheater

Today, one of our local news stations decided it was the perfect day to film random people at the beach. I saw myself on TV, holding hands with my side chick. I hope my girlfriend doesn’t watch the news. FML

Cheers, Doc

Today, I accidentally swallowed a piece of gum. My doctor says it'll pass in 7-10 years. FML