Miscellaneous: Today, I was playing around with my sister's kitten. As a joke,... - FML

By Anonymous - 07/06/2009 15:53 - United States

Today, I was playing around with my sister's kitten. As a joke, I put him underneath the sheets and farted. He attacked my nuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 166

You deserved it 892

Weird reason to leave, but OK

Compromises

Broken heart

By Anonymous - 12/09/2011 08:43 - United States

Today, my 23 year old boyfriend of 2 years was forced to dump me, over the phone, by his mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 117

You deserved it 3 232

By stutterernotschizophrenic - 15/11/2010 03:43

Today, I was alone in my dorm room rehearsing comments to make in my writing class tomorrow. I grew up with a severe stutter, and rehearsing like this is one of the ways I keep my speech under control. What I didn't plan on was my roommate walking in. I think she now thinks I'm schizophrenic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 722

You deserved it 2 968

By Anonymous - 31/05/2011 11:21

Spicy

Today, I'm too sunburned to masturbate. Now I have nothing to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 720

You deserved it 69 684

Rock and a hard place

By Mo. - 03/10/2020 01:13 - United States

Today, I found out my postpartum pain is indeed because of a cyst. No, my doctors can’t drain it and relive the pain because of scar tissue. And yes, it hurts around my lady bits and in my butthole, because the cyst wraps around everything. It’s either wait it out in extreme pain or surgery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 174

You deserved it 146

By Poopie - 29/01/2011 06:06 - Canada

Today, after suffering from constipation for three days, I finally took a dump. Just as things reached the point of no return, my land line and doorbell all rang. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 156

You deserved it 3 186

By notgay - 12/02/2013 02:30 - United States - Alfred

Today, I was walking with my friend. The girl in front of us had a really nice ass, so I turned to my friend and said, "Damn, she has a perfect ass." He replied, "That's a guy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 510

You deserved it 38 918

Monday morning sucks

By Linds - 28/06/2021 14:01

Today, I came home to find that maggots had taken over my garbage can this weekend. We weren't home to catch it, and I didn't use the garbage this morning. On top of that, I hadn't had my caffeine for the day because I ran out and forgot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 545

You deserved it 244

By makiju - 13/11/2012 21:23 - France - M?zi?res-sur-seine

Today, I was severely chewed out by my boss because, according to him, I look down on him too often. I'm 6ft5. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 456

You deserved it 1 959

Watch out for them slappers

By Anonymous - 30/03/2021 14:01

Today, my medium-sized poxer dog was sitting on my lap. He shook his head, managing to slap me in the face with his ears three times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 561

You deserved it 249

By Anonymous - 21/06/2012 14:52 - United States - Medway

Today, when I told my family I was a vegetarian, I expected them to make fun of me because that's just my family. But what I wasn't expecting was my dad to use raw meat as a puppet and make it say, "Eat me! Eat me!" then throw it at my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 196

You deserved it 7 762

By lpspann87 - 24/09/2011 21:34 - United States

Today, like every day, I walked into my office and was greeted by the smell of shit wafting through the air. My lactose intolerant, diabetic coworker won't stop eating Whataburger and milkshakes for breakfast, no matter what his body tells him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 029

You deserved it 2 564

By Kasey Eames - 23/12/2012 06:19 - United States - Oceanside

Spicy

Today, I told my husband to tell me his wildest fantasy. He told me it was to put on fake antlers and "do it like deer". FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 775

You deserved it 8 368

By Odnel - 27/07/2013 04:47 - United States - Arlington

Today, my family and I visited my cousins in Virginia. When we arrived, we found that they already had guests over. I've stuttered my whole life, so when they asked me what my name was, I stuttered for several seconds trying to say my name. Everyone burst out laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 031

You deserved it 3 814

By Anonymous - 09/09/2010 01:33 - United States

Today, I was looking in the refrigerator for the chicken I bought four days ago. I finally found it - not in the refrigerator, not in the freezer, but in the trunk of my car, which now smells like a dead animal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 114

You deserved it 31 140

By schmoodles - 07/05/2009 00:20 - United States

Today, as I was running a cute guy was coming towards me. As he was passing me, he yelled "nice tush!" I said thanks and slapped my ass flirtatiously. He stopped running, laughed and pointed to my crotch, replying "No, I said nice BUSH" I looked down to see my shorts had rode up a bit too high. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 760

You deserved it 70 805

SK8 OR DIE

By TeenaIs - 25/10/2019 16:00

Today, I asked a random guy at the skate park if he knew anyone who could sell me some weed. Turns out he was a parole officer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 473

You deserved it 2 823

By forest killer girl - 14/09/2017 16:00

Today, I went out with a friendly guy who's very passionate about the environment and everything was going fine until he asked about my job. I work as a clerk in a plantation company. He went from Mr. Daydream to Mr. Scary because the company I work for is destroying the forest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 173

You deserved it 571

By Anonymous - 30/06/2015 07:51 - United States - Rochester

Today, the man that I have a crush on finally touched me. This would have been great, if not for the fact that it was to roll me on my side while I was having a seizure. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 334

You deserved it 1 872

By uugnfg - 27/07/2010 04:38 - United States

Today, I was doing a job for some people on my street cutting their bushes. After I had finished and went to get my pay, I realized I had gone to the wrong house. They called the police. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 557

You deserved it 30 293

By Deadfish - 26/07/2009 17:17 - United States

Today, I was walking to the pet store to buy a month's worth of fish food for my fish so I wouldn't have to come back for a while. For fish food it was expensive. It was also surprisingly heavy and I had to carry it back to my house. When I got home, I saw my fish floating at the top of its bowl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 286

You deserved it 7 124

Freaked out

By anon - 07/02/2021 20:01 - United Kingdom

Today, whilst visiting one of my distant cousins for the first time in years, she came onto me. After gently explaining to her that this was inappropriate, she broke down in tears. Whilst I awkwardly comforted her, she started stroking my inner thigh, apparently still trying to seduce me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 900

You deserved it 97

Still better off without him

By victimofakarmicbackfire - 12/02/2021 04:58

Today, my sister showed me my arrogant, misogynistic, cheating ex’s Facebook. Since we broke up, he’s become an officer in the Marines and has traveled the world. I’m clinically depressed and in poverty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 958

You deserved it 241

By linked - 19/04/2019 20:00 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me using LinkedIn, a platform people use to connect with potential employers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 348

You deserved it 155

Hmmmm, breakfast

By Spiderchick - 26/09/2019 12:00 - Germany

Today, I found out that the stories about how you swallow insects and spiders in your sleep are true, as I woke up to a funny taste in my mouth and the remains of a spider stuck to my braces. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 511

You deserved it 111

By Mojo - 14/12/2009 17:06 - United Kingdom

Today, my crush took me to a park and told me he loved me. We sat on an old bench and were just about to kiss when I screamed. I now have a huge splinter in my arse and he can't stop laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 469

You deserved it 5 156

By gymbob - 06/05/2009 11:36 - United States

Today, I was walking on the track when this really cute guy shows up. I was hot and sweaty, and wanted to impress him by pouring water on myself. Instead of being turned on, all he saw was me wiping my face on my shirt screaming. It wasn't water, I forgot I had brought Sprite. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 757

You deserved it 103 293

By BrokeAsHell - 30/05/2013 08:51 - Australia - Werribee

Today, my landlord emailed me, stating that she hasn't been receiving my rent. After some investigation, I found out she's been using the money to buy booze, and hasn't been putting it into the house owner's account. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 825

You deserved it 2 866

By Anonymous - 29/08/2014 16:16 - United States - Port Lavaca

Today, it's been three weeks since my dad finished growing what he calls a "Jesus beard" and gone out asking for donations and claiming to be Jesus Christ. I've been trying and failing to get a job for 2 years, and he's already raking in cash from gullible idiots. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 113

You deserved it 3 958

By Anonymous - 07/05/2015 02:12 - United States - San Francisco

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend complained that I only respond to his flirtations with exasperation and annoyance. Apparently, grunting and humping my leg like an ill-mannered dog while I'm trying to wash dishes is his way of flirting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 107

You deserved it 4 039

What the Duck?

By duckyou - 02/04/2018 01:30

Today, on the way to class, I got distracted while watching some ducks and walked face-first into a concrete pole. I ended up with a black eye and three stitches. Even the nurse laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 592

You deserved it 1 330

By mymidlifecrisis - 08/09/2016 04:53 - United States - Valley Village

Today, after years in a relationship I realized that my partner does not like the music I listen to, the food I cook, the pictures I take, the way I dress. The only thing she likes is when I take her out to eat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 879

You deserved it 1 366

By Anonymous - 28/08/2019 06:02 - United Kingdom - Blackpool

Today, my legs were really sore from working out yesterday, so it hurt going down the stairs at work. To avoid the pain, l ignored how stupid I looked and limped down the staircase. When I finally got to the bottom, I hopped off the last step. And twisted my ankle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 266

You deserved it 560

Please don't do this

By Anonymous - 17/03/2010 15:38 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend of five and a half years to family dinner at a restaurant. After we all had finished dessert, I got down on one knee, pulled out my great grandmother's ring and proposed. The entire restaurant was dead silent. She looked around and then slowly walked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 76 031

You deserved it 6 669

By Kiki - 23/06/2016 23:54 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I found out that my brother buys audiobooks only to play them on "mute" so that he can tell everyone that he read them later and flaunt the proof. The rest of my family think he is a genius for reading War and Peace in two days and won't listen to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 882

You deserved it 1 083

Hmmm, candy

By SleepEat - 25/02/2021 21:30

Today, I found out that I eat candy in my sleep. For two months I've been dieting because of my weight and high risk of diabetes. I now know why nothing has changed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 779

You deserved it 140

By Anonymous - 05/09/2011 14:55 - United States

Today, my GPS told me that I'd reached my destination. In the middle of the highway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 858

You deserved it 5 327

By smh - 15/07/2014 20:11 - United States

Today, my mom and dad played rock, paper, scissors over who gets to spend the night with me in the hospital tonight while I have surgery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 946

You deserved it 4 276

By Anonymous - 17/02/2017 06:00 - Canada - Calgary

Today, at the hairdresser's, I fell asleep while my hair was being washed. My barber had to shake me awake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 074

You deserved it 1 053

By Stuck - 12/02/2014 18:25 - United States - Evans

Today, my house is on lockdown. I recently moved to Georgia from Rhode Island to be with my boyfriend. The state is on high alert for an ice storm. I'm stuck inside with my terrified boyfriend, who's calling it "the storm of the century". I used to walk to school in this weather. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 643

You deserved it 5 832

Memory man

By Anonymous - 20/02/2017 22:00 - United States - Kennebunk

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend and I were doing the dirty, when she told me to say her full name, including her middle name. I'd forgot her middle name. It was completely awkward after. I'm a dumbass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 675

You deserved it 3 248

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Sunday 7 June 2009 20:23

BAHAHAHA You got owned by a kitten. YDI so much.

orangerocker26 0

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Sunday 7 June 2009 20:24

why in the hell would you dutch oven your own cat. you deserved it.

Comments

simpsonman3000 0

Sunday 7 June 2009 20:23

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Friday 24 June 2011 12:50

what's there to scratch?

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Monday 15 August 2011 5:20

#2 you hope? Do you care for this man's balls?

TheWildRover1 12

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Monday 2 September 2013 1:55

I hope they are

m1k3_b0rr311 15

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Saturday 19 July 2014 15:25

Yea i fucking do ae

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Friday 20 February 2015 3:55

are you retarded

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Sunday 7 June 2009 20:23

BAHAHAHA You got owned by a kitten. YDI so much.

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Sunday 14 February 2010 2:18

lmfao

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Monday 8 March 2010 16:40

ow...

ccftw 0

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Saturday 17 April 2010 13:09

Lol @ 1 haha

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Wednesday 23 June 2010 0:23

Aha. kittehz don't liek persunz wif a tinee dik. Espeshullee wen thei fart on mee.

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Friday 16 July 2010 21:30

I'm still waiting for Perdix to tell some joke about him playing with his sister's pussy, and losing his balls in the process

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Wednesday 8 September 2010 5:32

that a whole new level of animal cruelty

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Wednesday 1 June 2011 0:39

feel lucky. it's probable the only time you'll get pu...errr...nevermind

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Wednesday 15 June 2011 2:03

Yea. WHAT DID THE POOR KITTY DO TO YOU????

pink_raindrops 26

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Sunday 17 July 2011 6:37

I'm glad the kitty attacked your nuts. You thought it would be funny to see what his reaction would be, well you found out.

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Thursday 7 February 2013 4:08

awesome!

jarockstar27 10

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Thursday 14 March 2013 6:29

And this dude wants our sympathy why??? Seriously deserved it!

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Saturday 8 March 2014 9:21

Okay based on my profile pic u can tell which side I'm on.... He/she is just a kitten, would u do that to a baby? You didn't deserve it... You deserve getting your balls chopped off and hung from your car mirror you sick fuck

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Sunday 7 June 2009 20:23

What a moron...got what you deserved.

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Monday 29 March 2010 21:59

you don't have testicles, you don't know what it feels like

tona01 16

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Thursday 24 March 2011 2:37

exactly!!!

lebronesque73091 12

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Wednesday 14 November 2012 9:46

LOL, that's too funny. You deserve it for doing that though

orangerocker26 0

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Sunday 7 June 2009 20:24

why in the hell would you dutch oven your own cat. you deserved it.

brookemurray17 5

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Tuesday 7 August 2012 5:56

Omg I'm laughing so hard rn

kittykat1501 31

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Saturday 13 June 2015 23:29

It's his sister's cat

nibas 0

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Sunday 7 June 2009 20:23

HAHA omg. owned. don't fuck with animals.

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Sunday 14 February 2010 2:20

somebody call PETA!!!!!!!! jk. PETA is a waste of time. but I do love animals

tencentsakiss 19

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Tuesday 11 May 2010 8:12

it's amazing how many people on here do fuck with cats and get owned by getting their crotch attacked

TheCrazyAli28 1

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Monday 20 June 2011 9:09

lol I wouldn't mind gettn my crotch attacked.

abnormalbird 11

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Sunday 12 January 2014 4:49

367 THEY KNOW OUR WEAKNESS

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Sunday 7 June 2009 20:24

Lmfao! Kitty ownage! YDI.

ZiggyMorrison 0

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Sunday 7 June 2009 20:24

Daaaaaaaayyyyyuuuuuumm hope you can still have kids

Picking_Kuppies 0

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Sunday 20 February 2011 0:55

Why, so they can all fart on kittens?

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Saturday 14 September 2013 5:23

Idiots like that shouldn't have kids.

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Wednesday 21 October 2015 5:01

Your comment just made me burst out laughing!!

CodeMonkey123 0

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Sunday 7 June 2009 20:25

YDI, that you jerk Mittens the super ultra crime solving kitten doesn't take shit from anyone!

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Saturday 19 March 2011 7:39

literally

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Saturday 23 April 2011 2:39

8 you made absolutely no sense

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Sunday 7 June 2009 20:26

karma xD But like it's such a bad thing? You probably shouldn't reproduce anyway.

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Sunday 7 June 2009 20:26

Why the hell would you put a kitten under the sheets? D: Anyhow, your balls must've looked all dangly and fun.

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5

You deserved it 43

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45

You deserved it 25

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out on Facebook that my mom and step-dad have an open marriage. To make matters worse, my step-dad shamed me for not being more sex positive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 305

You deserved it 78

Today, I found out why my husband faked being sick on Thanksgiving. He was invited to Thanksgiving dinner by to the coworker he’s seeing. She was planning to introduce him to her family. He never told her he was married, so knowing I would tag along if he came, he faked having a “fever” so he couldn’t go out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 625

You deserved it 31