Today, I was doing my jazz aerobics workout and accidentally...

By Stan - 29/8/2011 21:19 - United States

Today, I was doing my jazz aerobics workout and accidentally kicked my 3 year old daughter in the face. Everyone we know, including my wife, thinks I beat her. FML

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Health

Understandable

Compassion

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

By pootie - 11/12/2013 13:14 - United States - Miami

Today, I farted so loud that I woke myself up. And the stranger sitting next to me on the airplane. FML

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By zachadams - 16/9/2013 21:03 - United States - Buffalo

Today, at a family party, my uncles were complimenting my mom on her pies. I cooked them. She took all the credit. FML

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By dude i am so sorry - 19/9/2016 19:54 - United States - Richmond

Today, I found out what happens when you sleep with a girl your chemistry major friend likes. He put silver nitrate in my body wash and shampoo. I look like I survived an explosion in a Sharpie factory. He says it'll come off "in a few days". FML

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By suzyyy - 23/2/2011 09:18 - Netherlands

Today, I had to sell my phone to pay for the phone bill. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/7/2012 23:14 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I'm still freshly circumcised. My penis is still very sensitive, and I can't squat to grab stuff off the floor because of the pressure against my jeans. Kicking the objects up into my hands was working well, that is until I spilled a pack of 300 toothpicks all over the floor. FML

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By KindaLooksLikeCocaine - 23/9/2015 23:56 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I walked in on my drunk roommate grinding up stale marshmallows and attempting to snort them. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2012 04:48 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, a one-eyed drunken homeless man followed me around the store I work at, screaming at me because I turned down his sexual advances. My managers and coworkers wouldn't kick him out because they thought it was funny. FML

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By Ellen - 21/11/2009 00:56 - United States

Today, I learned that you should always make sure the car is in 'park' before you get it on wildly in it. FML

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By wow - 9/8/2011 04:01 - United States

Today, I was getting my picture taken. The woman taking it told me to smile, so I did, showing my teeth. She said, "Please, be serious about this." Slightly offended, I smiled with my mouth closed. She then said, "If you can't be serious, we won't do this." FML

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By NeverCampingAgain - 15/2/2009 00:38 - United States

Today, I looked on my sister's phone. There was a text from her boyfriend: "Let's go camping again, I bought more condoms so we won't make a big mess this time." Last time they went camping, they borrowed my sleeping bag. FML

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By hate enough to kill... - 14/10/2012 20:57 - Netherlands - Stevensweert

Today, I witnessed my mother-in-law reach into my wife's purse and practically empty it out into her pocket. When I confronted her and called my wife into the room, both of them accused me of lying through my teeth, because I've always hated her. FML

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By blasted - 25/11/2009 13:56 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of almost a year, and to whom I intended to propose on Thanksgiving, dumped me because her husband will be returning from Iraq soon. And he wants to have a "talk" with me. I didn't know she was married. FML

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By Jennifer - 20/1/2016 19:20 - Canada - Lethbridge

Today, I was at school deleting documents I no longer needed on my school account. After clicking empty trash can, I saw a final paper on political science deleted. I'm not in political science, and I wasn't deleting files on my account. FML

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By FMLer - 27/5/2011 20:57 - United States

Today, I found out that since I stopped shaving my legs, my boyfriend and his friends have started referring to me as a Wookiee. FML

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By Wisconsin love - 13/12/2010 17:35 - United States

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be funny to speak Parseltongue to my vagina to "prepare the Chamber of Secrets for entry". FML

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By wowimdumb - 30/1/2011 00:35 - United States

Today, I was at a power lifting meet when a girl I really liked walked in. Trying to impress her, I increased my bench to 350, when I have only done 300 before. She then watched me drop it on my chest, breaking my breast bone, and also crying in the process. FML

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By itwasmyfavoriteshirt - 16/8/2012 19:28 - United States - Bentonville

Today, my aunt borrowed my favorite shirt. Don't worry, she returned it. Complete with jizz stains. FML

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By PLU - 27/1/2011 00:57 - Canada

Today, I met my boyfriend's brother. When he saw me, he whispered into my boyfriend's ear, "So, this is your bitch eh? Nice!" FML

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By fbcaught - 9/2/2010 18:52 - United States

Today, I was checking the Facebook event page to see who is attending the party I am having this weekend, since my parents are going out of town. 1 person has confirmed. My mom. FML

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By iwantmoney - 22/7/2011 00:20 - United States

Today, after babysitting, the parents actually tried to pay me in Trident Layers Gum. FML

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By guess28 - 14/7/2009 18:19 - Puerto Rico

Today, my girlfriend of over a year said she has been faking her orgasms since the first time we've had sex. FML

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By jobless - 13/2/2011 05:31 - United States

Today, I discovered out of the 20 job applications only one job called me for an interview. They told me to leave after two sentences. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/6/2012 12:55 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my brother, the plumber, was called to unblock a toilet. Whenever this occurs, he takes a photo of it and sends it to me. It always seems to happen around meal time. FML

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By JackSteely - 22/12/2011 12:04

Today, I found a wallet containing an ID card. I managed to track down the owner, who now is threatening to call the police if I don't return the 400 dollars that he insists were also in it. FML

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By really?! - 22/3/2020 06:30

Troll level 3000

Today, I found my car with its front end smashed in. The offender was nowhere to be seen, but had left a helpful note that stated, "Sorry about your car but you can go fuck yourself because you will never find me. Muwahahaha!" FML

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By great - 28/2/2015 16:23 - United States - Porter

Today, the girl I've been seeing for just over a week casually let me know that she'll slash her wrists if I ever leave her. FML

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By in love with a nerd - 2/9/2019 15:01 - United States

Lrn 2 Read

Today, my boyfriend refuses to talk to me because of a misread text. FML

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By i guess - 3/5/2014 00:03 - United States - Hamilton

Today, my boss told our production department that we're not allowed to be happy. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2012 00:29 - United States - Bellingham

Today, while my mother's blind friend was waiting in our kitchen for my mom to come home, I thought it would be funny to talk to her in the nude. Turns out she's only blind in one eye. FML

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By scaredshitless - 3/3/2012 13:55 - Finland

Today, I downloaded an application that notifies me when my phone is fully charged. I had no idea how it actually functions, but I plugged the charger in and went to bed. A couple of hours later, I woke up to a man's voice screaming, "I can't take it anymore!" I nearly wet myself. FML

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By confused - 27/2/2015 03:07 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, my boyfriend and I broke up because we got into a fight over what color that confusing black and blue and white and gold dress was. FML

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By probablyadopted1 - 4/5/2016 16:39 - United States - Houston

Today, my family savagely mocked me to the point of tears, all for using "big", "fancy" words like "accommodations" and "hospitality". FML

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By guyshithappensto - 22/5/2010 02:41 - United States

Today, I fell asleep in class. If that wasn't bad enough, I awoke gasping for air. I almost drowned in my arm fat. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2019 02:01

Today, I realized my boyfriend's family love and respect me more than my own family. FML

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By i hit a cyclist - 27/5/2013 11:19 - United Kingdom - Nottingham

Today, I accidentally hit a cyclist with my car. In panic, I jumped out of my car and ran up to him, who was lying on the floor, motionless. As I was about to check his pulse, he jumped up and shouted, "I bet you thought I was dead, asshole!" He then punched me in the face and cycled off. FML

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By farksh - 7/3/2015 12:14 - Australia

Today, I rolled up a newspaper and smashed a huge spider in my room. As I went to scoop it up with a tissue, it lurched away and fell near my bed. I can't find it, but I can sure as fuck sense the pure evil coming from it. Looks like I'll be sleeping on the couch tonight. FML

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By justgreat - 28/9/2009 15:13 - United States

Today, I was picking up my 10 year old step-son from the airport. He began screaming and crying saying that I wasn't his father. I ended up sitting in a holding room because the security guards thought I was kidnapping him. My wife thought it was hilarious. FML

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By ... - 18/2/2018 01:30

Today, I realized all of my boyfriend's and my dirty messages were being sent to my mom because I'd logged into messenger on her phone once without logging out. She sat me down and said, "I know your mouth's been on his wee wee." FML

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By katchoo - 3/11/2013 07:34 - Denmark

Today, I had a panic attack when a huge spider ran over my hand. I screamed, wailed, and killed it with a shoe while shouting. Ten minutes later, police slammed on my door. My neighbor called them, saying it sounded like someone was being murdered. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/2/2016 22:56 - United States - San Bruno

Today, I hung out with some old friends for the first time since losing about 50 pounds, going from clinically obese to a healthy weight. I even bought a cute new dress for the occasion to show off my new body. No one noticed the change. FML

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Top comments

By Haganbottom234 | 8

#3202025 - Monday 29 August 2011 23:53

You deserve it, for doing jazz aerobics.

By blumsden | 0

#3202042 - Monday 29 August 2011 23:55

I'd say I beat my kid, before I admitted to doing jazz aerobics...

Comments

By fyl_bc_idc | 0

#3202023 - Monday 29 August 2011 23:53

1!!!!!

Siji | 0

#3202048 - Monday 29 August 2011 23:55

2!!!

KiddNYC1O | 20

#3202050 - Monday 29 August 2011 23:55

Noos.

By Haganbottom234 | 8

#3202025 - Monday 29 August 2011 23:53

You deserve it, for doing jazz aerobics.

Gfrigo | 1

#3202080 - Monday 29 August 2011 23:58

OP needs to come out of the closet.

juicedboi | 7

#3202169 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 0:10

Be more worried about people finding out that you do jazz aerobics. Also, quit beating your child..

gojira666 | 7

#3202227 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 0:18

You could tell your wife u hit your child with the closet door on the way out.

KiddNYC1O | 20

#3202258 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 0:21

Nvm

ThatOneCanadian | 0

#3202339 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 0:36

i dont exactly envision a father that does "Jazz aerobics" as a child beater

thir13enthour | 0

#3202346 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 0:39

My thoughts exactly

NKG7896 | 3

#3202385 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 0:47

Poor child. Has to live with a father that makes her do jazz aerobics.

monkeys1315 | 0

#3202392 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 0:49

I've never heard of a guy doing jazz aerobics with his three year old

By chick011 | 0

#3202028 - Monday 29 August 2011 23:53

Ow. I hope you gave her candy after that.

CryMoreFMLs | 14

#3202280 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 0:26

In the back of a van too?

By nikkilorenz7 | 5

#3202030 - Monday 29 August 2011 23:53

you do jazz aerobics??

aaronmk | 7

#3202125 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 0:04

That's what he just said .

By notsoluckypup | 12

#3202036 - Monday 29 August 2011 23:55

OP, you should've made sure that all children (and pets) were out of the room first and could not enter...

doctor_awesome | 8

#3202350 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 0:40

* to avoid being seen. not for their protection.

By blumsden | 0

#3202042 - Monday 29 August 2011 23:55

I'd say I beat my kid, before I admitted to doing jazz aerobics...

elmski87 | 0

#3202092 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 0:00

Good call.

By Blazingcrono | 6

#3202045 - Monday 29 August 2011 23:55

You should kick them while doing your jazz aerobics to prove that it was an accident.

By beckal | 0

#3202055 - Monday 29 August 2011 23:56

that child will be forever bullied, not because she was kicked in the head as a baby, but because her father does jazz aerobics.

audiophileMom | 11

#3202139 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 0:06

How's three years a baby??

jessesgirl14 | 16

#3202404 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 0:58

My 13 year old is still my baby!! Haven't you ever heard that story?! I love you forever and like you for always as long as I'm living MY BABY YOU'LL BE!!

By liquidSELECT | 0

#3202057 - Monday 29 August 2011 23:56

Grow up buddy

By Accept | 11

#3202061 - Monday 29 August 2011 23:57

Accidents Happen