Today, I was doing my jazz aerobics workout and accidentally...

By Stan - 29/8/2011 21:19 - United States

Today, I was doing my jazz aerobics workout and accidentally kicked my 3 year old daughter in the face. Everyone we know, including my wife, thinks I beat her. FML

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Health

Dangling modifier

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Risky business

By Anonymous - 16/2/2014 19:21 - United States - Glasgow

Today, I walked in on my dad singing along to a song on Sesame Street. He tried to divert attention from what I'd just witnessed by angrily grilling me over "just barging in" and not respecting people's privacy. Apparently he forgot that we were in the living room. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2013 21:05 - United States - Utica

Today, my wife appropriated our savings to finance her crazy, midlife crisis idea of designing and marketing Cheez Whiz dildos. FML

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By Rachel8896 - 15/8/2013 11:28 - United States - Lakewood

Today, it was my birthday. I spent all day in bed, sick with the flu. My boyfriend then broke up with me by text, because he didn't want to risk getting sick by doing it in person. FML

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By Jay - 6/6/2009 13:17 - United States

Today, I bought my cat a nice big bag of expensive anti-hairball catfood, so she'd stop puking hairballs on my things. After eating it, she started running around wildly, howling and projectile vomiting on EVERYTHING. FML

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By gorokhan2 - 27/4/2020 17:00

The opposite of a good idea

Today, I wanted to prank my girlfriend by giving her a jump scare. Right before I tried to scare her in an empty parking lot, she turned towards me, pepper-sprayed me in the eyes and kicked me in the balls. When she realized it was me, she called me an asshole and dumped on the spot and drove away. FML

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By yulis - 30/11/2013 19:21 - United States - Hagerstown

Today, I got pulled over on the highway for going over the speed limit. The cop seemed nice, and I was sure he'd let me off with a warning, until my husband piped up with, "Didn't think you folks came out this far. What, the donut store got shut down or some shit?" I got the ticket. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2012 16:11 - United States - Olathe

Today, I was watching TV with my grandma. I said aloud, "Dang, that actor is hot." My grandma pointed out he was a spitting image of my cousin. I realized she was right, and that I may as well be attracted to my own cousin. FML

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By Display - 27/9/2012 04:10 - France - Paris

Today, I injured myself in the geekiest way possible; I managed to crush my nipple while closing my laptop. FML

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By Noname - 19/2/2009 16:24 - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me from a payphone because he lost his phone at the airport. When I texted his phone to get a response from someone who stole it [because it was still on whenever I called], I received a message back saying, "Love the pics. Send more ;]" FML

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By Anonymous - 30/1/2015 23:31 - United States - Iowa City

Today, in the middle of sex with my boyfriend, my visiting brother knocked on the door saying he'd want to hear the details later. My boyfriend said, "Sure", and kept going. FML

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By wickedbeauty333 - 26/9/2012 22:54 - United States - Katy

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, he came. This was a good thing, except when he did he started bellowing the Imperial March theme from Star Wars. When I asked him about it, all he said was, "I thought you'd like it." FML

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By onemoredonut - 3/5/2016 01:39 - United States - Herndon

Today, while directing traffic in uniform, I tripped over a traffic cone and fell straight on my butt in the middle of a busy intersection. FML

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By Aprilfools - 12/4/2009 10:47 - United States

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend of 5 years getting intimate with my best friend. When they saw me they immediately stopped and said nothing. After about 5 seconds of silence my boyfriend yells "April fools!" April Fools was 12 days ago. FML

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By Lennie Mcfish - 28/8/2018 01:30

Today, I confessed my love to my crush over text. Later, she posted the message I'd sent her on Facebook and wrote "look at the pathetic man". The post had over 50 laugh reacts. FML

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By wifeofafainter - 24/9/2015 06:31 - United States - Bronx

Today, I told my husband I was pregnant, then he fainted. FML

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By Kylene - 23/4/2009 19:51 - United States

Today, I had an interview for a job in a professor's lab. He seemed like a really nice, grandfatherly old guy. We got up to go take a look around the lab, and he held out his arms really wide to me... so I went in for a hug. Turns out he was just gesturing for me to go through the door first. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/7/2009 07:06 - United States

Today, I rode my bike to work. Once there, I realized I forgot my bike lock. For fear of it being stolen, I quickly rode home and took my car instead. When I got home, I realized my bike was missing. Someone stole it from my backyard. FML

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By username - 19/5/2015 06:45 - United Kingdom - Leatherhead

Today, my girlfriend suggested we start using a safe word during sex - not because we're into BDSM or anything like that, it's just in case she gets bored and wants me to stop. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/8/2009 11:04 - India

Today, I left my brand new iPhone on the counter, and went to get its cleaning cloth. My grandmother saw a mosquito, and used my iPhone as a fly swatter. I now have a broken iPhone. Good news though: no more mosquito. FML

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By sarah - 18/4/2009 20:46 - United States

Today, I was at the Apple Store taking random pictures of myself. I took one with a really stupid face. This girl passes by and says, "Wow, that's a cool effect! You look just like an alien!" I wasn't using any effects. It was a regular picture. FML

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By Stigmamma - 28/6/2020 05:06

Taking advantage

Today, after 3 months of my man claiming he's going to start eating better "next week", he finally went on a diet. What changed? I started eating healthy while trying for a baby. He is "supporting me" by getting me to do extra meal prep for him too. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2010 05:20 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I broke up, and he came by to get his things while I was at work. When I got home I saw that the only thing he had taken was my cat. I only dated him for 5 months, I've had that cat for 14 years. FML

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By leonuniz - 19/4/2015 16:34 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my grandma told me point-blank that she despises gays, but that she'll go to my wedding for the booze and nothing more. FML

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By CantPublish - 4/9/2012 22:02 - United States

Today, I saw a bug on a stranger's arm and as a knee-jerk reaction smacked it. It took me a second before I realized it was actually a loose scab. FML

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By LightsOut - 3/5/2011 17:58 - United States

Today, I finished working a 70 hour work week. I'm a lineman for the electric company, and worked extended hours all week getting people's lights back on after a wind storm. When I got home, my power was out. FML

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By welp, time to become an assassin - 23/6/2013 18:14 - United States - Rowlett

Today, I was playing a video game that required me to hunt a few animals. My mom walked in, saw what I was doing, then went into her psycho vegan mode and started yelling at me. She basically grounded me for "murdering" pixels on a screen. FML

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By boo! - 17/2/2009 08:25 - United States

Today, I saw my friend across campus, and I decided that I wanted to play a trick on her and scare her from behind. Turns out, I scared a complete stranger with really bad panic induced asthma. FML

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By Maybe I'll stay longer than spring break. - 31/3/2013 04:34 - United States - Midlothian

Today, I came home to visit my family for spring break, only to realize that I'd left my phone in my apartment. After a 2 hour drive back, I discovered my boyfriend with my neighbor. He panicked and pretended to be sleepwalking. FML

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By tmac05 - 13/11/2010 05:13 - United States

Today, the waiter farted while I was on a date. My date thought it was me. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/6/2018 20:30

Today, like most days, I spent my lunch break with a sandwich in one hand while typing with the other, trying to keep up with my work load, while my coworker took a nap. We're supposed to be doing the same job, but he refuses to learn most of the software. The boss is fine with this. FML

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By AzrielB - 18/10/2018 15:30

Today, my friend, who had begged me to buy them a plane ticket after being stranded overseas, blocked me. They didn't even use the ticket. FML

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By crudofalife - 4/7/2011 09:42 - United States

Today, while working as a cashier at McDonald's, a man came in telling me that he had not received his hamburger. I looked at his receipt and the date said 11/17/09. FML

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By mike - 7/2/2010 07:16 - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend of one week is suicidal and crazy about me. She showed me that she carved her old boyfriends name in her arm and she threatened suicide if I ever left her. FML

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By Maggie - 10/12/2011 16:45 - Canada

Today, I got my first driving lesson from my dad. We traded seats, I started the car and his entire lesson was, "Go." FML

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By i have failed so very badly - 7/4/2017 18:51 - United States - Syracuse

Today, I found out our eight-year-old son lied about his former babysitter beating him. The babysitter's already thrashed us on social media for believing our son, and now no one in town is willing to babysit for us. Looks like date night is cancelled. FML

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By tessisue - 4/1/2016 11:18 - Germany

Today, I visited the hospital with my boyfriend to have an injury checked. When the doctor removed the band-aid, my boyfriend started screaming and passed out. I had to get him out of the room using a wheelchair. The "injury" is a cut in his finger. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/3/2011 22:26 - United States

Today, my girfriend of two years told me she wasn't actually a lesbian and our relationship was more of a 'learning experience'. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/2/2015 10:33 - Australia - Maddington

Today, I got pulled over for speaking on my phone. I accepted the fine because I was too ashamed to tell the cute officer that I was actually trying to pop a huge pimple on my cheek. FML

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By Lamediseased - 29/9/2016 15:07 - Mexico - Mexico

Today, I got diagnosed with Lyme disease. My whole family thought it would be hilarious to call it, "Lame disease. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/2/2013 15:46 - United States

Today, I got a new roommate after having a horrible relationship with the previous one. She seemed nice at first, until our first night together. She got completely wasted, spilled beer all over my bed and blew chunks into my fish tank. FML

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Top comments

By Haganbottom234 | 8

#3202025 - Monday 29 August 2011 23:53

You deserve it, for doing jazz aerobics.

By blumsden | 0

#3202042 - Monday 29 August 2011 23:55

I'd say I beat my kid, before I admitted to doing jazz aerobics...

COMMENTS

By fyl_bc_idc | 0

#3202023 - Monday 29 August 2011 23:53

1!!!!!

Siji | 0

#3202048 - Monday 29 August 2011 23:55

2!!!

KiddNYC1O | 20

#3202050 - Monday 29 August 2011 23:55

Noos.

By Haganbottom234 | 8

#3202025 - Monday 29 August 2011 23:53

You deserve it, for doing jazz aerobics.

Gfrigo | 1

#3202080 - Monday 29 August 2011 23:58

OP needs to come out of the closet.

juicedboi | 7

#3202169 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 0:10

Be more worried about people finding out that you do jazz aerobics. Also, quit beating your child..

gojira666 | 7

#3202227 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 0:18

You could tell your wife u hit your child with the closet door on the way out.

KiddNYC1O | 20

#3202258 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 0:21

Nvm

ThatOneCanadian | 0

#3202339 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 0:36

i dont exactly envision a father that does "Jazz aerobics" as a child beater

thir13enthour | 0

#3202346 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 0:39

My thoughts exactly

NKG7896 | 3

#3202385 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 0:47

Poor child. Has to live with a father that makes her do jazz aerobics.

monkeys1315 | 0

#3202392 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 0:49

I've never heard of a guy doing jazz aerobics with his three year old

By chick011 | 0

#3202028 - Monday 29 August 2011 23:53

Ow. I hope you gave her candy after that.

CryMoreFMLs | 14

#3202280 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 0:26

In the back of a van too?

By nikkilorenz7 | 5

#3202030 - Monday 29 August 2011 23:53

you do jazz aerobics??

aaronmk | 7

#3202125 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 0:04

That's what he just said .

By notsoluckypup | 12

#3202036 - Monday 29 August 2011 23:55

OP, you should've made sure that all children (and pets) were out of the room first and could not enter...

doctor_awesome | 8

#3202350 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 0:40

* to avoid being seen. not for their protection.

By blumsden | 0

#3202042 - Monday 29 August 2011 23:55

I'd say I beat my kid, before I admitted to doing jazz aerobics...

elmski87 | 0

#3202092 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 0:00

Good call.

By Blazingcrono | 6

#3202045 - Monday 29 August 2011 23:55

You should kick them while doing your jazz aerobics to prove that it was an accident.

By beckal | 0

#3202055 - Monday 29 August 2011 23:56

that child will be forever bullied, not because she was kicked in the head as a baby, but because her father does jazz aerobics.

audiophileMom | 11

#3202139 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 0:06

How's three years a baby??

jessesgirl14 | 16

#3202404 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 0:58

My 13 year old is still my baby!! Haven't you ever heard that story?! I love you forever and like you for always as long as I'm living MY BABY YOU'LL BE!!

By liquidSELECT | 0

#3202057 - Monday 29 August 2011 23:56

Grow up buddy

By Accept | 11

#3202061 - Monday 29 August 2011 23:57

Accidents Happen