Health: Today, I was doing my jazz aerobics workout and accidentally...

By Stan - United States

Today, I was doing my jazz aerobics workout and accidentally kicked my 3 year old daughter in the face. Everyone we know, including my wife, thinks I beat her. FML

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Health

There's no helping some people

Commando

No Gods, No Masters

By :/ - United States - Gilbert

Today, I'm so broke, I walked into a nursing home and pretended to be a gentleman's son just so I could get some free food "for him". FML

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By biglady - Canada

Today, I downloaded an application for my phone that reads whatever you type out loud. I started making it say things like "You like it when daddy spanks your tight little ass don't you?" Just as the message was playing back out loud, my mom walked up the stairs. FML

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By ...

Today, I yelled, "Fuck me, oh shit!" instinctively after accidentally spilling boiling hot coffee all over myself. My 3-year-old niece found this hilarious, and won't stop saying "Fuck my shit." Her parents are due to pick her up any moment. FML

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By Benchlover - United Kingdom

Today, I realized two things: how much time I've spent waiting between lectures, and just how bad my love life is. I found out that I get incredibly jealous when somebody sits on my favourite bench in the centre of the campus. FML

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By annabellebyebye - United States

Today, I bought a kitten. I've wanted a cat for years and decided to finally buy one now that I have my own apartment. It turns out I'm allergic to cats. FML

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By zheiraT - United States - South Portland

Today, I walked into my boss's office to ask for a raise, and walked out unemployed. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - New Malden

Today, my husband actually tried to pay me to forget about the affair that he's been having. FML

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By Read The Fine Print - United States - Sylmar

Today, I got into a car accident. The guy wouldn't give me his information, but instead stood there saying, "Like a good neighbor, Statefarm is there." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while I was washing my hands, I sneezed so hard that I smacked my head against the faucet. I now have a lump the size of a goose egg on my head. I'm not sure if it's going to hatch, or if that's just the brain damage talking. FML

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By notautistic - United States - Minneapolis

Today, marks yet again another day that I've been asked if I'm autistic. No, that's just my Korean accent. Apparently I look "too white" to have one. FML

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By Anonymous - Ukraine - Kiev

Today, I was walking to the movie theatre with my boyfriend, when three guys muscled over and told us to hand over our phones. My boyfriend didn't waste any time pushing past me and running like hell, leaving me in tears and almost having a panic attack. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, this guy I like let me wear his favorite baseball hat that he never takes off. I returned it to him later, only to find out I have lice. FML

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By jillie minaj - United States

Today, I'm accused of vandalizing a cop car during a night of partying, and in so doing, violating my parole. While talking with my lawyer, who I spent all my savings on, I said he could hire better than his hideous secretary. Turns out she's his wife. I think I'm now more screwed than ever. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while trying to quietly sneak a midnight snack with my girlfriend, I was slowly opening the pantry door so I wouldn't wake my mother. My girlfriend came and swung open the door onto my foot, taking the top layer of skin with it. FML

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By anon - Australia - Salisbury

Today, my daughter asked me if we could adopt a child. I said no, since we can't afford to support another child. She then asked me if she could just adopt another dad instead. FML

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By Takegami - United States - Norge

Today, I realized how alone I truly was when I caught myself talking to a podcast. FML

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By madiison09 - United States

Today, I got a letter from Yale law school saying I got a 4 year full scholarship. I called my dad crying and read the whole thing... even the bottom, which said, "April fools! Love mom and dad." FML

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By Mr. FootInMouth - 23/11/2020 07:56

Bigmouth Strikes Again

Today, I learned that my brother has been secretly married to his girlfriend for over a year. That means that during Christmas break, when I told him that she was a "toxic bitch" and that he should leave her before she drags him down with her, they had already been married for 6 months. FML

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By E

Today, my office smells like a giant turnip green fart because of a sewage leak. FML

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By hawkknight - United States - Portland

Today, at work, I broke the drinks machine for the third time. The first two times I broke the key, this time I switched it off and couldn't turn it back on after my manager warned me not to mess with it AFTER I had switched it off. The best part? The key is still broken from last time. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/9/2020 18:01 - New Zealand - Auckland

Lockdown fashion

Today, my partner got a lockdown haircut. He now has a mullet. FML

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By NowBubbleWrapSucks

Today, my mom went into a full war against dirt and plastic-wrapped our entire house. The floor, furniture, even our feet now have to be covered in plastic. Everything squeaks. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend in his bedroom. It was getting pretty intense, so he got up to close the door. While he was facing the other way, I took off my bra and sling-shot it so that it would hit him. Right when I let go of it, his mom walked in and it hit her in the face. FML

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By STOP - Australia - West Hoxton

Today, it's five days until my wedding and I still can't tell my bride apart from her twin sister. They share clothes, have the same haircut, and they even take turns flirting with me to "catch me off guard" because they think it's hilarious to trick me. I'm scared I'll marry the wrong one. FML

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By Creeped - United States

Today, I'm hiding from my creepy next-door neighbor. She constantly trash-talks my partner of two years, she's mentally unstable, looks to me for support, has a raging crush on me, and she drunkenly tried to make out with me last weekend. I'm two months older than her daughter. FML

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By Anonymous

Fishing

Today, I was looking at my boyfriend's rarely-used Facebook page as he was next to me. Last time he was online over a year ago, he had something up that said, "Still looking for that perfect girl." I jokingly said he should update it. He responded, "Why? It's still true." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mckinney

Today, I got yelled at by a bleeding-heart hippy in the restroom for using paper towels. Apparently I'm a "tree-hating, paper-wasting bitch". I had a nosebleed. FML

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By bubbashrek - United States

Today, I realized my soon to be ex wife is stalking me online. Everytime I block her she creates a new profile. She left me 9 months ago. FML

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By sierra.sl31

Today, my boyfriend of over a year decided he wants us to wait to get married before having sex again, after we've had sex almost every night of being together. FML

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By anonymiss - Canada

Today, half asleep, I dropped my pill before I could take it. I quickly picked it up and washed it down. Five hours later, I just found my pill on the ground. What did I swallow? FML

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By Anonymous

Now I ain't saying she a gold digger...

Today, I was forced to sit silently through my 20-year-old daughter's wedding to a man who is 8 years older than I am. FML

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By Annabelle - United States

Today, I got a call from my parents that they have decided to get a divorce. My brothers and I just shelled out $5,000 each and spent months planning their 50th Anniversary party that was supposed to be next month. FML

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By emma - 24/12/2020 05:02

Memory low

Today, while my mom was explaining the house rules surrounding the towels, I took out a notepad and began taking notes. She snatched it away and threw it across the room. I need the notes or else I’ll forget. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Winter Park

Today, I started at a new school. It's a pretty great school, but there's only one problem: Everybody thinks I'm a teacher. I'm only a freshman. FML

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By shygurl434 - United States

Today, the boy I like finally acknowledged me. He came up to me and uttered two words: "Nice pooper." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tallahassee

Today, I got to see my fiancé for the first time in 3 months. While we were having sex for the first time, he slipped out and slammed into the back of my vagina, tearing it open. Now I won't stop bleeding, it hurts to pee, and we can't have sex. I won't see him for another 2 months after this. FML

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By snitchovich - United Kingdom

Today, I was sitting in a bar next to this gorgeous guy who kept eyeing me up and after about 30 minutes he finally leaned in to whisper something in my ear. What he said? "If I were you, I would get a push-up bra." FML

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By OutOfMyMind - United States - Port Richey

Today, I tried Ambien for the first time. I now have to apologize to most of my exes for excessively rambling emails about getting together for some naked Twister. FML

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By me - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I made a phone call in my office to my doctor. He wanted to call a prescription to my pharmacy, but wanted to know by what method I would prefer my medication. During our conversation, a group of potential clients walked in just as I exclaimed "I definitely prefer oral." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I looked through my girlfriend's phone book and saw two entries with my name. One had "(cute)" attached to it. I checked to see if it was my number. It wasn't. FML

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Top comments

By Haganbottom234 | 8

#3202025 - Monday 29 August 2011 23:53

You deserve it, for doing jazz aerobics.

By blumsden | 0

#3202042 - Monday 29 August 2011 23:55

I'd say I beat my kid, before I admitted to doing jazz aerobics...

COMMENTS

By fyl_bc_idc | 0

#3202023 - Monday 29 August 2011 23:53

1!!!!!

Siji | 0

#3202048 - Monday 29 August 2011 23:55

2!!!

KiddNYC1O | 20

#3202050 - Monday 29 August 2011 23:55

Noos.

By Haganbottom234 | 8

#3202025 - Monday 29 August 2011 23:53

You deserve it, for doing jazz aerobics.

Gfrigo | 1

#3202080 - Monday 29 August 2011 23:58

OP needs to come out of the closet.

juicedboi | 7

#3202169 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 0:10

Be more worried about people finding out that you do jazz aerobics. Also, quit beating your child..

gojira666 | 7

#3202227 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 0:18

You could tell your wife u hit your child with the closet door on the way out.

KiddNYC1O | 20

#3202258 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 0:21

Nvm

ThatOneCanadian | 0

#3202339 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 0:36

i dont exactly envision a father that does "Jazz aerobics" as a child beater

thir13enthour | 0

#3202346 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 0:39

My thoughts exactly

NKG7896 | 3

#3202385 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 0:47

Poor child. Has to live with a father that makes her do jazz aerobics.

monkeys1315 | 0

#3202392 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 0:49

I've never heard of a guy doing jazz aerobics with his three year old

By chick011 | 0

#3202028 - Monday 29 August 2011 23:53

Ow. I hope you gave her candy after that.

CryMoreFMLs | 14

#3202280 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 0:26

In the back of a van too?

By nikkilorenz7 | 5

#3202030 - Monday 29 August 2011 23:53

you do jazz aerobics??

aaronmk | 7

#3202125 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 0:04

That's what he just said .

By notsoluckypup | 12

#3202036 - Monday 29 August 2011 23:55

OP, you should've made sure that all children (and pets) were out of the room first and could not enter...

doctor_awesome | 8

#3202350 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 0:40

* to avoid being seen. not for their protection.

By blumsden | 0

#3202042 - Monday 29 August 2011 23:55

I'd say I beat my kid, before I admitted to doing jazz aerobics...

elmski87 | 0

#3202092 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 0:00

Good call.

By Blazingcrono | 6

#3202045 - Monday 29 August 2011 23:55

You should kick them while doing your jazz aerobics to prove that it was an accident.

By beckal | 0

#3202055 - Monday 29 August 2011 23:56

that child will be forever bullied, not because she was kicked in the head as a baby, but because her father does jazz aerobics.

audiophileMom | 11

#3202139 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 0:06

How's three years a baby??

jessesgirl14 | 16

#3202404 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 0:58

My 13 year old is still my baby!! Haven't you ever heard that story?! I love you forever and like you for always as long as I'm living MY BABY YOU'LL BE!!

By liquidSELECT | 0

#3202057 - Monday 29 August 2011 23:56

Grow up buddy

By Accept | 11

#3202061 - Monday 29 August 2011 23:57

Accidents Happen