Health: Today, I was doing my jazz aerobics workout and accidentally...

By Stan - United States

Today, I was doing my jazz aerobics workout and accidentally kicked my 3 year old daughter in the face. Everyone we know, including my wife, thinks I beat her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33666

You deserved it

9562

Favorite

Health

Mother of the year

They're everywhere

Sounds lovely

By .__. - United Kingdom - Wembley

Today, I snooped around my parents' room looking for hidden Christmas presents. The only hidden things I found was a whip, two ball gags, several other sex toys, and a load of newspaper clippings about the JFK assassination. What the fuck? FML

I agree, your life sucks

23461

You deserved it

38341

Favorite

By Arizonagirl - United States

Today, I walked in on my roommate having sex in my bed because hers is ,"reserved for sleeping only". FML

I agree, your life sucks

13162

You deserved it

819

Favorite

By wasntme - Netherlands

Today, I finally passed a math exam. I go home super excited to tell my mom, yelling "Mom! Guess what!?!?!" She turns to me all happy and goes "You finally got a boyfriend!?!?!?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

67445

You deserved it

7426

Favorite

By :/

Today, I taught my 12-year-old brothers that showering cannot be used as a substitute for deodorant, and that they should use both. One of them was almost in tears. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41458

You deserved it

4668

Favorite

By LizLiao - United States

Today, I was running down the hallway when a door opens and hits me right on the face. I'm sitting there with my nose bleeding and a huge bump forming on my head. The guy who comes out is hugely fat, tries to help me up, trips, and falls on me. I accidentally groped his moobs while trying to push him off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

70765

You deserved it

7749

Favorite

By anonymousyo - United States - Vacaville

Today, I found my son's porn. I would sit him down for a talk, but the genres were so disturbing that I'm afraid to even ask about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34034

You deserved it

4205

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend left me after I'd been supporting him for 9 months while he "finds himself." Why? Because I wanted to go grocery shopping instead of him eating out every day with my money. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1927

You deserved it

314

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my fiancé — a top chef — called me at work to make sure I would be home on time for the extra special dinner he'd prepared for me. The occasion, as I later discovered, was the end of our engagement. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37821

You deserved it

3088

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Lake Forest

Today, I showed my daughter video footage from a security camera that showed her using her employee key to enter the store I own, disarming the alarm, and stealing several very valuable items. Her defense? That someone had "photoshopped" the video. We'll see how that goes down in court. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31171

You deserved it

2875

Favorite

By Forgotton - Canada

Today, I realized how invisible/forgettable I am. At work, I went to ask my supervisor what I was working on today. My supervisor admitted that he forgot I was working today. My supervisor is my brother. We drove to work together this morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49684

You deserved it

3334

Favorite

By ILuvYouSoldiers - United States

Today, at the airport, my mom began talking about how useless the war in Iraq was, and how dumb the soldiers that serve there were for enlisting during the war. The soldier at the vending machine near us caught my eye. I mouthed, "Sorry" and he mouthed, slowly, "You fuckin' better be." FML

I agree, your life sucks

94293

You deserved it

21396

Favorite

By lonelyandbored - United States

Today, I was dirty texting my boyfriend since we couldn't see each other this weekend. We were getting really into it when he said, "If only you were this good in real life." FML

I agree, your life sucks

40214

You deserved it

11154

Favorite

By Anonymous - 29/12/2020 20:02 - United States

Diaspora

Today, I found out the guy i've been crushing on might be my cousin. Again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

758

You deserved it

169

Favorite

By Kristat - United States

Today, because I was the only manager scheduled, I went into work despite feeling sick to my stomach. While sitting down with a customer, I got the urge to throw up and tried to hold it back. Instead I vomited in my mouth, instinctively swallowed and started choking in front of the customer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28688

You deserved it

3368

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Needles

Today, I was meeting my boyfriend's mom. She was driving us to a theme park that was about 2 hours away. She asked for the address to put into the GPS, so I gave it to her. It turned out to be a farm, an hour away from the park. So much for good first impressions. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39155

You deserved it

8889

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got an invitation to my ex-boyfriend's wedding. We broke up because "he didn't believe in marriage." FML

I agree, your life sucks

79117

You deserved it

4746

Favorite

By BaconLover - Japan

Today, my girlfriend asked me if I could love anything more than her, and if so, what. I guess "bacon" was the wrong answer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30560

You deserved it

45390

Favorite

By lucy_g - United States

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend, feeling pretty low. I said something along the lines of "You like me even when I look like shit." He replied, "Ah, that's just how you naturally look." FML

I agree, your life sucks

45046

You deserved it

7273

Favorite

By zombie mommy - 27/6/2020 17:02

Demonic attack!

Today, my 10-month-old kept me up all night after a gruelling day. I finally fell asleep with her at about 2 a.m., and I woke up half an hour later to her hands on my throat, and her biting my nose. Startled, I took a big breath through my nose and snorted an ungodly amount of slobber. I’m awake now. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1373

You deserved it

206

Favorite

By Anonymous - 24/9/2020 23:03 - Canada

Red flags

Today, I met my boyfriend's family for the first time. I was really excited to meet his brother, since his brother is his best friend. One of the first questions his brother asked me was, "He did tell you he isn't the handsome brother, right?" Followed by, "You aren't a feminist are you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

1125

You deserved it

199

Favorite

By sallyfradoodle

New Romantics

Today, I told my boyfriend of two years that he was my first kiss. His reply? I was the first person he ever whacked off to. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1451

You deserved it

392

Favorite

By pinecones - United Kingdom

Today, my coworker said that she suddenly got the shivers. I jokingly told her that it meant she must be being watched by a dead person and made stupid ghost noises. She then told me it was the anniversary of her dad's death and burst into tears. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36541

You deserved it

14737

Favorite

By random123 - United States

Today, it was my birthday. My boyfriend was kind enough to give me prescription strength deodorant. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33066

You deserved it

7717

Favorite

By toomuchlove - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend that I like it when he moans while we're having sex. Unfortunately, he interpreted that as "milk it". The sound is so obnoxious, it's starting to ruin the sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15636

You deserved it

27131

Favorite

By itisobviouseinstein - United States - New York

Today, a bible toting evangelist on the street ambushed me and asked me what my religion was. I wear a hijab. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24736

You deserved it

3671

Favorite

By lovethateuropeanblood - Japan - Osaka

Today, I enjoyed the soft caressing touch of the person I'm attracted to. It would have been even better if he weren't simply stroking my arm hair in amazement at its superior length and density. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33971

You deserved it

5048

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at a party with a few of my friends. We saw a guy walking around with bright pink lipstick all over his mouth, so we made a bet to see who could match the lipstick to the girl first. I won. It was my girlfriend's. FML

I agree, your life sucks

61383

You deserved it

4551

Favorite

By likecomeon - United States - Glendale

Today, I figured out why my 'best friend' hasn't talked to me in weeks. She assumed an FML post she read was about her. It was posted in 2009. I met her last year. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26833

You deserved it

1732

Favorite

By redhead - United States - Lima

Well Played

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of two years is dating another girl. Not only do she and I share the same hair and eye color, but we also happen to have the same first name. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6325

You deserved it

415

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Vallejo

Today, I was stretching after a group run. I noticed one of the girls was having problems balancing, so I told her that I have horrible balance too, but that it'll get better. She sneered and said she had a brain tumor when she was a kid, and that's why she has such bad balance. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49238

You deserved it

6832

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, we found out the god-awful smell in our truck was actually coming from the whole uncooked chicken I thought the store forgot to ring up over 2 weeks ago. It had fallen out of the bag and under the passenger seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6858

You deserved it

1858

Favorite

By Glutton for Punishment. - France

Today, I got a separation agreement from my wife. It was sent from the lawyer she spent the long weekend with right before she told me it was over. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30001

You deserved it

2465

Favorite

By RadioactiveKush - United States - Monroe

Today, my drunken mom began to frantically scream "YEAH" "WOO HOO" and "ALRIGHT" at some kindergarteners that were singing Amazing Grace in honor of a restaurant owner who had recently died. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33991

You deserved it

2493

Favorite

By ericane27 - United States

Today, I woke up to someone screaming "FIRE!" When I sat up, my face went right into my room-mate's ballsack. Apparently it was funny. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39277

You deserved it

5839

Favorite

By ClairvoyantVamp - United States - Raleigh

Today, I found out my aunt posted a picture of my butt in a bikini bottom on Facebook. I didn't even know she had taken that picture. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11721

You deserved it

1009

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, after a 2 month relationship, I realized two things: A) Dating a known psycho because "crazy chicks are great in bed" is a dumb idea, and B) What crazy chicks are actually great at is beating the crap out of you and driving you to alcoholism. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16008

You deserved it

32844

Favorite

By Anonymous - 21/11/2020 23:03 - France

Shut down

Today, I finished an exam in physics class. It counts for 40% of our grade. As I handed my paper in to my teacher, she said to the whole class while talking about me, "You did this wrong; this isn't how you do it." FML

I agree, your life sucks

772

You deserved it

Favorite

By AlwaysTired - United States - San Carlos

Today, I was officially diagnosed with OCD. My mother's reaction? "That's not possible, she's a fucking slob." FML

I agree, your life sucks

24249

You deserved it

2563

Favorite

By fuuuudge - United States

Today, my boyfriend took me out to meet his friends. It was going really well until I left to use the bathroom and two of the girls with us came in and started talking about how creepy Matt's new girlfriend is and that they're happy he's going to dump her. My boyfriend is Matt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51480

You deserved it

3714

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that the gentle, adorable oral surgeon who took out my wisdom teeth last year was recently arrested for rape. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36068

You deserved it

2845

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By Haganbottom234 | 8

#3202025 - Monday 29 August 2011 23:53

You deserve it, for doing jazz aerobics.

By blumsden | 0

#3202042 - Monday 29 August 2011 23:55

I'd say I beat my kid, before I admitted to doing jazz aerobics...

COMMENTS

By fyl_bc_idc | 0

#3202023 - Monday 29 August 2011 23:53

1!!!!!

Siji | 0

#3202048 - Monday 29 August 2011 23:55

2!!!

KiddNYC1O | 20

#3202050 - Monday 29 August 2011 23:55

Noos.

By Haganbottom234 | 8

#3202025 - Monday 29 August 2011 23:53

You deserve it, for doing jazz aerobics.

Gfrigo | 1

#3202080 - Monday 29 August 2011 23:58

OP needs to come out of the closet.

juicedboi | 7

#3202169 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 0:10

Be more worried about people finding out that you do jazz aerobics. Also, quit beating your child..

gojira666 | 7

#3202227 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 0:18

You could tell your wife u hit your child with the closet door on the way out.

KiddNYC1O | 20

#3202258 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 0:21

Nvm

ThatOneCanadian | 0

#3202339 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 0:36

i dont exactly envision a father that does "Jazz aerobics" as a child beater

thir13enthour | 0

#3202346 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 0:39

My thoughts exactly

NKG7896 | 3

#3202385 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 0:47

Poor child. Has to live with a father that makes her do jazz aerobics.

monkeys1315 | 0

#3202392 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 0:49

I've never heard of a guy doing jazz aerobics with his three year old

By chick011 | 0

#3202028 - Monday 29 August 2011 23:53

Ow. I hope you gave her candy after that.

CryMoreFMLs | 14

#3202280 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 0:26

In the back of a van too?

By nikkilorenz7 | 5

#3202030 - Monday 29 August 2011 23:53

you do jazz aerobics??

aaronmk | 7

#3202125 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 0:04

That's what he just said .

By notsoluckypup | 12

#3202036 - Monday 29 August 2011 23:55

OP, you should've made sure that all children (and pets) were out of the room first and could not enter...

doctor_awesome | 8

#3202350 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 0:40

* to avoid being seen. not for their protection.

By blumsden | 0

#3202042 - Monday 29 August 2011 23:55

I'd say I beat my kid, before I admitted to doing jazz aerobics...

elmski87 | 0

#3202092 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 0:00

Good call.

By Blazingcrono | 6

#3202045 - Monday 29 August 2011 23:55

You should kick them while doing your jazz aerobics to prove that it was an accident.

By beckal | 0

#3202055 - Monday 29 August 2011 23:56

that child will be forever bullied, not because she was kicked in the head as a baby, but because her father does jazz aerobics.

audiophileMom | 11

#3202139 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 0:06

How's three years a baby??

jessesgirl14 | 16

#3202404 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 0:58

My 13 year old is still my baby!! Haven't you ever heard that story?! I love you forever and like you for always as long as I'm living MY BABY YOU'LL BE!!

By liquidSELECT | 0

#3202057 - Monday 29 August 2011 23:56

Grow up buddy

By Accept | 11

#3202061 - Monday 29 August 2011 23:57

Accidents Happen