&quot;I&#039;ll never drink again!&quot;

Today, I finally got a reply to the letter to a celebrity that I had to write for my English class. It was a restraining order. FML

Videos

Dangling modifier

Season finale

Thanks, I'm cured!

By PrestonW - 9/2/2011 15:53

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Today, I changed my relationship status on Facebook from "in a relationship" to "single." I forgot to take my phone to work, and when I got back, I saw someone had replied, "What happened?" Someone else commented, "He broke his hand." My ex and a bunch of other "friends" liked it. FML

By Anonymous - 28/1/2012 21:52 - United States

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Today, my class had a very important meeting about workplace safety. I thought I led some of my classmates to the meeting very well, until they informed me that I accidentally ran a red light on the way there. They brought this infraction up during the class every chance they got. FML

By greeter - 18/10/2016 06:49 - Canada - Willow Grove

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Today, I learned that I'm expecting twins. A boy and a girl. My husband, upon finding out about this, immediately suggested that we give them Star Wars names. But not Luke and Leia. Oh no. He wants to name them Darth and Vayda. And he is absolutely serious about this. FML

By AGeeksWife - 12/9/2012 07:03 - United States - Saukville

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Today, my wife and I watched a documentary film about a kid living with severe asthma. In one scene, the kid has a severe asthma attack, and is rushed to hospital. My wife started laughing hysterically at this and after apologising, goes "it's just he sounded exactly like you in bed." FML

By Weezylover - 26/5/2009 08:24 - United Kingdom

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Today, my brother accidentally hit me in the throat. After I stopped coughing, choking, and feeling like I was going to die, he came back into my room, quietly said "I know your weakness," and left. FML

By Anonymous - 23/2/2013 06:28 - United States - Calhan

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Today, I got genuinely annoyed at myself when I realised I probably lack the skills to survive a Zombie apocalypse. FML

By drake86 - 9/1/2013 16:42 - United Kingdom - Helensburgh

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Today, I was playing with 3 kids I look after. The middle one has just learned about sex and started chanting that I had done it with the eldest as a joke. We were in the garden and the neighbours heard. Now I am fired, have to leave the house and am being investigated by the police. FML

By Jack - 1/2/2009 08:54 - United Kingdom

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Today, on WhatsApp, I jokingly said, "I have been a naughty furry, I need spanking" in a group chat with all my friends. They had a good time laughing their asses off, not only because of the text, but because I put it in a group that included my boss and all of my colleagues. FML

By Anonymous - 23/12/2016 12:09 - Netherlands

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Today, my girlfriend has been randomly screaming out, “Coronavirus! Hehehe!” in a scarily accurate Cardi B impression. She’s been doing it for days and refuses to stop. I’m starting to think facing the damn virus might be less annoying at this point. FML

By STFU! - 3/4/2020 17:00

Caught the bug

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Today, I went outside to enjoy the cool air without my glasses. I saw my neighbor doing the same, so I waved and said hi. When she didn't respond, I yelled and went back inside. It was only later when I went back out with my glasses on that I realized I was being ignored by a Halloween decoration. FML

By Phazzer - 16/10/2009 13:39 - United States

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Today, whilst nibbling on my husband's ear, I swallowed a lump of his earwax. FML

By Emily Salt - 15/2/2011 08:34

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Today, at my work in a self-service chinese restaurant, a lady came up to me, pointed to the plate she loaded with honey king prawns, and yelled at me because she was allergic to seafood. She demanded a refund and another plate. Everything is clearly labeled. FML

By Ugh - 13/12/2016 14:39

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Today, I was riding the bus. Suddenly, it appeared to start to snow inside the bus, and I assumed a window was open. When I looked up however, I discovered the girl in front of me putting her hair up in a ponytail. The so-called "snow" was coming off of her head. FML

By ummmmEW - 13/2/2010 00:04 - United States

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Today, I was lobstering. While I was getting bands, my co-worker decided it would be funny to make a lobster pinch my ear. it was a 4 pound lobster, and my ear was swollen for 5 hours. FML

By Fonzie34 - 1/3/2010 02:42 - United States

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Today, I was invited to a party. Since I rarely get invited to any, I was super pumped. Both my parents work late, so I texted a couple of people to see if I could catch a ride. It turned out everyone's cars were full. I ended up missing one of the only parties I've ever been invited to. FML

By my_only_friend - 3/6/2013 04:45 - United States - Chicago

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Today, I discovered that my wife isn't cheating on me after all, as I'd feared. We just don't have sex anymore. FML

By ohyey - 29/1/2011 01:50 - Norway

Dead bed

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Today, my mum rejected my friend request on Facebook, again. Even my high school friends are friends with her. FML

By Anonymous - 16/6/2017 16:00

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Today, after going to bed at a decent time last night so I could get up early, I overslept. Not only that, I thought today was the day of my job interview, so I rushed to get ready and go. As I parked in the parking lot, I realized today was the day before said interview. FML

By Lady Julia KaNeko - 20/6/2019 10:15 - United States - Meridian

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Today, I tried to stand by my toaster and train myself to not jump when it popped up. Not only did I jump, I also knocked the toaster off the counter and onto my toes. FML

By purplexangel - 2/8/2012 17:32 - United States - Lubbock

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Today, my daughter-in-law taught my 4-year-old grandson to burst into tears and yell, "Am I not good enough for you?" whenever I ask her if she's going to have any more children. FML

By Margo - 15/11/2011 15:16 - United States

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Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. Let's just say pubes and toilet paper residue were the least of my problems. FML

By mrricecakes - 23/3/2012 05:55 - United States - Gilbert

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Today, I went to my grandmother's house to pick up her cat for the vet. She forgot who I was and sprayed me in the face with pepper spray. FML

By Anonymous - 8/12/2009 05:16 - United States

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Today, whilst celebrating my birthday with my friends and family, I met a girl at the bar who seemed interested. She became very disinterested and left after my mother whispered in her ear "If you go home with my son make sure he wears a condom." FML

By Joe - 19/10/2009 04:32 - Cambodia

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Today, after a huge heartbreak and a night of crying, I wake up to an empty house. I go in the kitchen to make breakfast and see a note on the counter saying "We heard you crying last night and didn't want to hear you complaining this morning, so we went to the mall. -Mom" FML

By heartbroken - 8/2/2011 17:21 - United States

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Today, my girlfriend's 2lb chihuahua ate 500 dollars worth of textbook. FML

By Chihuahuanope - 8/2/2017 19:00 - United States - Lincoln

An Expensive Snack

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Today, I donated blood for the first time. It wasn't until I passed out on the ice during hockey practice that I remembered the nurse warning me not to do any type of exercise. FML

By ktm1313 - 26/1/2016 21:38 - United States - Cleveland

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Today, my manager told my shift that if we didn't have the quota filled for cinnamon rolls by tonight, we were all out of a job. One of the machines we use to wrap cinnamon rolls just started acting up. We also aren't allowed to take over time. FML

By Anonymous - 22/10/2018 13:30

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Today, I had to Google how to find the area of a circle. I'm working on my PhD in engineering. FML

By pirsquared - 28/1/2012 01:20 - United States

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Today, at work, a woman fainted, and an extremely attractive cop came in to help. I ended up running into him an hour later. Seeing as though I'm not very shy or a nervous person, I struck up a conversation with him, thinking it must be fate. I ended up fumbling my words so much he asked if I was drunk. FML

By Anonymous - 6/11/2010 04:40 - United States

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Today, while on my honeymoon with my new wife, I tried to be romantic by installing a clapper to the lights in our room. As things progressed, the noise of our love making triggered the lights on and off repeatedly. She began to laugh and we ended up just calling it an early night. FML

By Anonymous - 17/12/2010 17:08 - United States

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Today, I was finally able to get up and take a shit after being bedridden due to my knee surgery. I had diarrhea and because I can't properly bend my knee, I can't wipe my butt. FML

By 092492 - 5/3/2011 21:53 - United States

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Today, I got fired from my job. My boss is my brother. His reason being that, "it would create awkward tension between us." I've been working for him for 5 years, and it's like he's only just realised that I was there. FML

By Anonymous - 7/6/2019 14:03

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Today, I was at Wal-Mart walking around when I slipped on some water and twisted my ankle. As I was getting up, a man comes up to me and said "There's some water on the floor, watch out." FML

By yeahhhhhommmie - 18/9/2011 09:20 - United States

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Today, is my 18th birthday. I call my parents and they tell me they found weed in the guest house and so they called my boarding school to drug test me. It wasn't my weed. They didn't even say "Happy Birthday." FML

By alrightsheryl - 28/3/2009 16:40 - United States

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Today, I met someone with the same name as me for the first time ever. I'm 20 years old, he is 97. FML

By Heyhey - 8/12/2008 08:46 - France

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Today, I went to an important job interview, only to be told I'm not what such a "prestigious" company was looking for. This from a pimply-faced 20-something who took a personal call on speakerphone mid-interview, and actually said "lmao" out loud at his friend's joke. FML

By jobless1 - 5/7/2015 04:04

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Today, I was so bad at maintaining a conversation that the only way for the other guy to put up with me was to drink. He was the designated driver. He would rather risk drinking and driving than being sober around me. FML

By Anonymous - 13/9/2019 00:01 - Australia - Darwin

The Conversationalist

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Today, my school year book awarded "cutest couple" to my boyfriend and I. We broke up yesterday. FML

By yearbook369 - 25/6/2011 04:31 - United States

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Today, the mentally-challenged teen who sometimes comes into my restaurant gave me a hug as usual. I thought it was sweet, until a coworker let me know he immediately goes and jacks off in the bathroom after. FML

By sadfantasy - 31/3/2016 06:00 - Canada - Toronto

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