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Today, at a restaurant, I ordered the best chocolate soufflé on the menu, which was called "Double Satisfaction". The waiter asked me what would I like to order. The words that came out of my mouth were "Double Orgasm". FML

#14796617
120 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18787) - you deserved it (39205)

On 02/01/2011 at 12:42pm - intimacy - by theshameofit (woman) - Cyprus (Limassol)

Today, my boyfriend insisted that we try phone sex. He started telling me all the things he wanted to do to me while breathing heavily. Unfortunately, it sounded so ridiculous, I burst out laughing. He hung up on me, and has refused to pick up since. FML

#18849422
143 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18787) - you deserved it (33218)

On 01/18/2012 at 11:09pm - intimacy - by Lickmylovepump (woman) - United States (Florida)

Today, while cleaning my son's room, I found an envelope labelled "PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL" under his bed. I opened it, only to find it was a glitter bomb. I couldn't get it all cleaned off myself before he got home. He just said "HAH! Serves you right!" and went to his room smirking. FML

#21365242
239 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18786) - you deserved it (55596)

On 02/28/2015 at 1:11pm - kids - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Oregon)

Today, I went in to get my first tattoo. I'd put a lot of thought into it and was really excited when the day came. Long story short, the Celtic knot I'd gotten turned out to have an alternate meaning of "female sex slave." The faces my very Irish family made were beyond words. FML

#20511821
159 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18785) - you deserved it (46768)

On 02/18/2013 at 3:50am - intimacy - by UnluckyInk (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, I walked across my kitchen to go get my mom a blanket after she shoveled snow. I slipped and caught the kitchen chair with my side, landed on the floor and almost fracturing my knee cap. She then told me she wasn't cold. FML

#8156006
95 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18784) - you deserved it (3654)

On 02/12/2010 at 1:20am - health - by a - United States (Maryland)

Today, my 15 year old girlfriend called to tell me she is pregnant. Her dad is ex-military, and makes a point of cleaning his guns every time I go to her house. FML

#17010843
711 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18781) - you deserved it (95664)

On 07/07/2011 at 3:43am - kids - by shit - United States

Today, my long distance boyfriend got angry because I like touching myself while we sext. It "distracts" me from him. I'm sorry you turn me on. FML

#21447742
49 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18789) - you deserved it (1860)

On 07/26/2015 at 10:02pm - intimacy - by wot02 (woman) - United States

Today, I was at a family dinner, which had gone into meltdown after my aunt said something sarcastic about my mother's drinking. I went out for some fresh air and stumbled about in the dark, unaware of the fact that a pool was being dug. I fell into the huge hole and lost a shoe. FML

#20067208
49 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18781) - you deserved it (2259)

On 09/11/2012 at 2:47am - misc - by NotDrunk (man) - United States (California)

Today, my boyfriend said we should re-enact a porn episode he saw. I jokingly said yes. He had an outfit and everything. I thought it was going to be fun, until he started playing Bon Jovi in the background. FML

#8910631
135 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18773) - you deserved it (5849)

On 03/08/2010 at 12:42am - intimacy - by Ah - Sent from mobile version

Today, after being filled with joy after seeing my very elderly cat finally enjoying the sun in my garden, I skipped over to give her a hug. Turns out she was taking a shit. FML

#19435990
166 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18773) - you deserved it (8608)

On 04/09/2012 at 11:22am - animals - by Ew. (woman) - United Kingdom

Today, the estranged crumbs in my toaster caught light while I was making breakfast. The toast, toaster, and my wooden bench are now little more than collateral damage. FML

#15401902
70 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18772) - you deserved it (9310)

On 03/20/2011 at 4:32pm - misc - by thebravelittletoaster (woman) - United Kingdom (Bolton)

Today, I was feeling really good about myself for running and walking everywhere so much so that I was out of breath and panting. Well, until I remembered that I was playing a video game and it was my character that was doing the running around that is. FML

#21063762
62 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18771) - you deserved it (40933)

On 02/17/2014 at 8:57pm - health - by Tomb Raider Wannabe (woman) - Australia (New South Wales)

Today, I had to walk home from school in the rain, because my mom "didn't have a car to pick me up in". But when I got home, the car had magically appeared. Just great. FML

#2319
30 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18769) - you deserved it (1943)

On 01/23/2009 at 10:18am - misc - by blahmina - United States (California)



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