Today, I told my husband we should try go vegan for a while to see if there were any health benefits. He threw me over his shoulder and put me outside, because, “crazy plant ladies live outside with the other vegetables.” FML
Today, after I was wrapping up a visit with my chiropractor, I nearly fell off his table onto my face when I missed a handhold trying to push myself upright. After getting up, I then bumped into a poster on the wall, nearly knocking it onto the floor. At least the chiropractor had a good sense of humor. FML
Today, I took a pottery class to try out a new hobby. After an hour of work, I had somehow created something that looked vaguely like a bowl. The teacher walked by and asked what I was making. When I proudly said, "A bowl," she paused and replied, "Oh." FML
Today, I found out that when you put Kleenex up your nose to stop it from constantly draining snot, it is possible for it to rip and get stuck in your nose when you try to take it out. Words cannot describe how incredibly uncomfortable that was. FML
Today, for the third night in a row, I got cockblocked by my 10 month-old not sleeping. FML
Today, I spent two hours baking a chocolate cake for my coworker Cathy's birthday. I took it into the office, everyone gathered, and we sang. Her birthday is actually next week. The person whose birthday was today is named Kevin, and he’s allergic to chocolate. FML
Today, I clicked on a shortcut that I'd made years ago, not remembering what it was. It sent a message to my ex, who I’m in no contact with, which said, “I love you.” FML
Today, I’m at my hometown for the weekend and bought my entire family takeaway for lunch without knowing my mom had cooked. Later, after finding out, I promised to eat it for dinner. Guess who is having food poisoning but can’t shit. The cramps are killing me. FML
Today, a pigeon flew into my apartment through an open window. I tried for 20 minutes to guide it back outside. It eventually left on its own, then immediately flew back in through the window again. FML
Today, three members of my five-person polycule moved away, leaving myself and one other girl. I really liked her, so I was okay… until she split because she "didn't want to be in a boring straight relationship." FML
Who could stay mad at that face?
Today, I hosted a family dinner. I made a roast, potatoes, green beans, and homemade bread. Everything went smoothly until I realized halfway through I'd used powdered sugar instead of flour. No one noticed at first, then my aunt asked in horror, “Why's it taste like cake?” The rest of the meal was eyed suspiciously and I almost fainted from the stress. FML
Today, it's my 66th birthday. My parents gave me a Stinging Cactus. It's already stuck me 5 times. FML
They try so hard!
Today, I wore a jacket I bought yesterday at a thrift store to work. During lunch, I found a folded note in the inside pocket that said, "Call Mom. Tell her I'm okay." I spent the rest of the day wondering who had owned the jacket and whether I should actually call the number on the note. FML
Today, I decided that I need to lose weight when I discovered I could no longer chew on my own toenails. FML
Today, under advice from my doctor that I should increase the intensity of my exercises in order to lose weight, I decided to increase the resistance level of the exercise bike I typically use by one, as I could do the previous level easily. My legs got sore after 5 minutes and then I got very sick, so I had to go back. FML
Today, my kids refused to wake up on time, and I was at least 30-45 minutes late to work. Oh, and I forgot to bring my coffee to work. The travel thermos is still sitting on the kitchen counter. FML
Today, I went to see my dad to tell him that my girlfriend of two years is pregnant. He burst out laughing, and said, "You r*tard! You've fallen for the oldest trick in the book! Caught by your dick in the hairy bear trap!" He was still laughing hysterically when I left an hour later. FML
Thank you Granma...
Even if you cut a few branches...
Today, a photographer came to take photos of my house for listing. While showing her around, she said, “I’ll just get this hair tie out of the shot” and picked it up. It wasn’t a hair tie. It was my rubber cock ring. FML
Today, I thought a cute guy was checking out my ass, so I cheekily bent over a little to give him an eyeful. He walked over to a shop assistant, pointed at me and left. The assistant then informed me, “Miss, you’ve torn your trousers, your knickers are visible, and, um, apparently you have a skid mark.” FML
Today, I saw someone get out of a car without putting it in park. I sprinted over and jumped in, trying to stop the car before it went down an incline. I didn't make it. I now have a dozen broken bones, need surgery, and was just informed I'm being held responsible for the wreck, since I was in it last. FML
Today, I had to go to the mall for a quick errand. While there one of my friends who works at a phone booth was there and I stayed for a little bit chatting with him. While chatting, a girl passed by. She was so pretty that I blurted out, "What a woman!" out loud. Turns out it was my ex. FML
Just kidding!
Feeding sharks is dangerous - you might lose something important!
Today, I went for a job interview. While waiting to be called in, I noticed a tiny thread hanging from my shirt. I pulled it to fix it but almost unraveled half my sleeve before the interviewer walked in. I spent 30 minutes holding my arm against my side like I was hiding evidence. FML
Today, I texted a close friend, who has the same first name as a coworker with the same first name, spelled one letter off. Both saved by first name only in my contacts. I ended up telling my coworker about the great value of my marijuana purchase. My company has a zero tolerance policy for marijuana. FML
Today, I split with my abusive girlfriend and moved back in with my parents. Now my mom won't stop pressuring me to get with a man and have a million kids. I hate men, absolutely despise the disgusting pigs, and wouldn't be with one if we were the only people on Earth. FML
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