Dog Struggles

Today, my housemates are throwing a huge house party to celebrate finishing their finals. It's 4:30am and people are still arriving. I have my last final in 3 hours. FML

Gratitude walks

What did I do?

Last dates

By Party Pooper - 25/5/2015 01:59 - United States

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Today, I was in yoga class. We were in downward-facing dog pose, and the male instructor stood behind me and gave me an assist/adjustment by pulling upward on my hips. As I left the class, I realized that was the most intimate touch I've ever received from a man. I'm a 25-year-old straight woman. FML

By raspberrysachere - 3/6/2019 16:00

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Today, I crawled under a table to plug a new lamp. When I tried to get up, I hit my head on the corner of the same table, getting me my fourth concussion in three years for trying to plug a f***ing lamp. FML

By Anonymous - 25/4/2016 20:37 - Canada - Montr?al

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Today, I told my ex boyfriend I lost 20 lbs because of the stress of the break up. His response was "you're welcome." FML

By blutownie13 - 9/4/2009 22:11 - United States

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Today, I figured I needed to go on a diet when I discovered I could make farting noises with my neck. FML

By fat and alone - 5/6/2014 04:11 - United States - Birmingham

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Today, I was running late for work. As I hurried out the door, I managed to trip over my own feet, fall off the front porch, and key my new car. FML

By Masey - 17/9/2009 12:46 - United States

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Today, I was sitting in my garden and having a cup of tea while watching some dragonflies. I thought the dragonflies were really pretty, so I ran towards them and tried to catch their tails like I used to when I was a kid. They were exotic wasps. Ouch. FML

By Lala - 10/9/2009 13:40 - Philippines

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Today, I found a dead bird on my windshield. Thinking I was clever, I turned on my windshield wipers to get the bird off. Unfortunately, the dead bird fell through my open window and onto my lap. FML

By FMLTIMESTWO - 10/6/2009 04:36 - United States

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Today, I didn't even bother to turn my cellphone off in a movie theater because I knew no one would text me or call. FML

By Rick - 22/5/2012 11:02 - United States - Spartanburg

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Today, I was in a parking lot looking for a spot, and after driving around for a long while I finally found one. A homeless man was taking a shit on it. FML

By jackpot - 9/5/2011 01:53 - Venezuela

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Today, I met my boyfriend's notoriously difficult mother. I had been looking forward to meeting her and making a good impression. Unfortunately, I could not greet her as her son's penis was still in my mouth. FML

By pleasedtomeetyou - 13/1/2010 16:42 - United Kingdom

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Today, as I was pulling into work at 15 weeks pregnant, I projectile vomit all over myself and my vehicle. I had an emotional breakdown as I went back home, and called my boss to let him know I would not be in that day. I am now looking for a new job. FML

By Anonymous - 27/7/2018 08:00 - United States - Macon

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Today, my mum yelled at me for wanting to apply to university courses that she doesn't approve of. I'm applying for Biomedical Sciences and Microbiology, she's an unemployed Jehovah's Witness. FML

By WhatTheFaf - 1/9/2011 14:40 - United Kingdom

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Today, my boyfriend and I were finally alone and things were starting to get intimate. I was on top of him trying to be sexy, when in my excitement I giggled and called him a "silly girl" by accident. FML

By Anonymous - 28/5/2017 20:00

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Today, I used a tanning bed at my local gym for the first time. I went in for the full allowed time of 9 minutes. I went to school after and everybody said I looked like Trump. Confused, I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. My skin is orange and matches with my bleach blonde hair. FML

By fishwizard - 2/6/2017 20:00

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Today, I was informed I wouldn't be getting a raise because I hadn't followed the updated protocol. I said I was unaware that there was an updated protocol. My supervisor said, "That's because we didn't tell you about it." FML

By notgoodenough - 26/10/2016 18:47

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Today, a woman yelled at me for hurting her. I'm a tattoo artist. FML

By thrill house - 25/1/2016 00:57 - Australia - Hawthorn

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Today, I finally got the courage to ask my best friend to go on a date with me. She assumed I meant a double date and squealed, "Who's the lucky guy?!" She thought I was her gay best friend for the past year. FML

By NeverNumberOne - 23/4/2018 01:30

Friendzone 2.0

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Today, my girlfriend got a detention for public display of affection. We go to different schools. FML

By cmart_9 - 29/10/2013 04:24 - United States - Clayton

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Today, I went to see my favorite band in concert. Not only did the people next to me have a loud conversation through the entire set, the guy behind me repeatedly tried to lecture me for head-butting him. Given he was a foot taller than me, I'm not even sure how that was possible. FML

By - 22/3/2019 20:00

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Today, my boyfriend and I were about to get it on. That's when the bell rang. He said, 'I'll just be back'. 5 minutes later, still no sign of him. I wrapped myself in a towel and went to the hall. Turns out his new PS4 had arrived. He said, 'I forgot you were here, sorry' and continued to play. FML

By Mia - 12/12/2018 17:00 - India - Mumbai

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Today, I picked up my daughter from preschool. Her teacher handed me her nap blankets and mentioned there was an extra article of clothing I might want to take home. I looked in-between the blankets and saw a pair of my giant granny panties that had gotten mixed in with her stuff. FML

By Anonymous - 13/4/2012 21:10 - United States - York

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Today, at a nightclub, a cute girl started hitting on me. I got into it and we danced. Just as she started getting frisky with me, a guy shoved me off, smacked me to the floor with a right-hook, and shouted, "That's what you get for touching my woman." FML

By Anonymous - 3/12/2011 02:02 - United Kingdom

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Today, I found out that my 6-year-old son was named after my wife's "Favorite Uncle" because he might also be the father. FML

By DEDMan - 28/10/2018 17:30

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Today, my mother called me a slut and unladylike because I prefer beer instead of wine. Apparently, beer's only for "unladylike sluts". FML

By BeerSlut - 2/9/2015 21:37 - Portugal - Santa Marta De Penagui?o

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Today, I had my first date in more than two years. As soon as I sat down, the first words out of his mouth were, "How many people have you had sex with? Not just recently, but ever. I don’t date women who’ve had more than 5 partners." I left before we'd even ordered drinks. FML

By nope! - 4/3/2020 12:00

Meanwhile, in 1953…

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Today, my husband tried to use his "grief" over his grandmother's death to manipulate me into giving him a blowjob. In the toilets. During the funeral. With his family only a few yards down the hall crying their eyes out. What an asshole I married. An absolute asshole. FML

By stephanie - 28/9/2018 03:00

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Today, I happily told my parents that my boyfriend proposed to me last night. My dad's response? "Marry that goofy bastard and you're out of the will." FML

By Anonymous - 10/5/2013 23:16 - Switzerland - Saint Gallen

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Today, my boss sat me down to discuss the sounds my co-workers have heard coming from my cubicle. Apparently my music sounds like the background tracks from shitty soft-core porn movies. I'm getting a three day suspension while they go through all my files. FML

By ImScrewed - 2/8/2011 17:47 - United States

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Today, my ex girlfriend that I still love sent me a text, quote "I still love you, but i'm not IN love with you" Um, what? FML

By wtf - 7/1/2009 19:23 - United States

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Today, I took some heavy pain medication before calling my boyfriend. I don't remember the call, but apparently confessed to really liking corn, and faking orgasms. FML

By Screwed - 7/6/2014 13:31 - Australia

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Today, I went to the dentist. I had to get a tooth removed. In the middle of the procedure, the power went out. I had to sit there for an hour to wait for it to come back on. The anesthetic wore off before he started working on me again. FML

By Anonymous - 26/10/2010 20:34 - United States

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Today, at the end of a night of heavy drinking, I decided it was a good idea to go off into the park with a friend of mine. We ended up fooling around in the park, when a couple of kids stole our clothes. We had to walk back to town with no clothes on. FML

By Anonymous - 16/7/2009 06:15 - United States

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Today, I went to Cheese Cake Factory for dinner. There was this hot waiter who kept passing by. He saw me looking at him and I knew I had to say something. So when he approached my table I asked, "Excuse me, do you have any salt?" and he said, "I think it's right there on the table." FML

By getmoneyab - 30/5/2009 06:42 - Mexico

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Today, my boss yelled at me for being 3 hours late. I was late because I fell down the stairs and broke my arm. Apparently, breaking my arm is not a good enough excuse. FML

By MoonStarShine3 - 9/6/2015 16:12 - United Kingdom - Chorley

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Today, while doing our Christmas shopping, my sister showed me a product that she really hated. The same one I bought her for Christmas. FML

By bob - 17/12/2012 18:16 - United Kingdom - London

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Today, it was an unusually hot day and I saw one of my friends walking down the street carrying a large bag. I stopped and asked if he needed a ride. When he got in, I noticed a horrible stench. He then told me he'd just been dumpster diving. FML

By Stinkycar - 5/6/2017 12:00

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Today, I tripped over my own shoelace after explaining to my boyfriend that my shoes being untied were good luck for me. He then took that as the grand opportunity to tell me that we were breaking up. FML

By CaptainSosuke - 27/1/2009 01:54 - United States

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Today, I've been getting calls for over a week on my home phone, cell phone, and the work phone at my night shift, in which someone whispers terrifying Satanic-sounding chants at me. I've now found out that the caller is my best "friend". His explanation: "You seemed lonely, man." FML

By newbffswelcome - 4/8/2013 18:07 - Vietnam - Hanoi

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Today, I was consoling my drunk husband as he violently emptied his stomach contents into our toilet. One particular retch made me nauseous, and I vomited all down his back, causing him to turn his head and vomit all over the wall. I got to clean it all up. FML

By hnickell93 - 9/10/2012 01:55 - United States - Visalia

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