Dog Struggles

Today, I found out that my dad recently created a Facebook account for himself. So I friended him. He refuses to accept my friend request. He did, however, accept my sister's. FML

Serious times

Creepy idea, dude

It's not unusual

By msmusiclover7 - United States

30537

3558

Today, I'm going to court to give an eyewitness account of a robbery. Unfortunately, I had a wacky dream last night concerning the robbery, and no longer have any idea of what actually happened in real life. FML

By Dreamer - United States - Castro Valley

34566

3792

Today, I was anxiously waiting for the guy I had a crush on to pick me up for our first date. He shows up with his son, whom I never knew about, and takes us to Chuck E. Cheese. FML

By Anonymous - United States

30735

5359

Today, my younger brother complained yet again of soreness in his wrist. Frustrated with his constant whining, my mother turned to him and snapped, 'Well, what have you been using it for all this time then!?' The awkward silence of realisation for them both won't go away anytime soon. FML

By Torbey - Australia - Adelaide

14450

1260

Today, while doing a project on income, my teacher told me there are no houses in Japan. I told her I lived in Mitaka for 3 years and that I lived in a house there. She told me I was bullshitting. So much for quality education. FML

By Anonymous

6727

366

Today, I finally tested out my new robot vacuum cleaner. My puppy decided she would test it out too by leaving a brown surprise for it to find, which it did. There are now brown marks in every room of the house. FML

By justpeachy1989 - Australia

12912

1630

Today, I was planning to start my fitness regime and lose weight, using the bike that had been lying unused in my garden for the past six months. Tonight, the bike was stolen from my garden. FML

By baby shak - United States

25685

6254

Today, my girlfriend fell asleep 3 min into the 25 min TV show sex that we waited all week to watch together. FML.

By Anonymous

She missed everything

1428

223

Today, I stopped to replace a stuffed bear that had fallen from a small memorial for a girl killed nearby. Her mom happened to walk by and thought I was stealing it. She hit me with her purse. FML

By ouch - United States - Union City

34456

2456

Today, the police gave me a ticket for obstructing a loading bay as the vehicle "was not parked within the loading bay markings". I couldn't get the vehicle fully into the loading bay because there was a police vehicle in the way. FML

By Professor FacePalm - United Kingdom

9292

694

Today, my dad got into an argument with the cashier about how overpriced the scented tampons were. FML

By ohaifml - United States

32398

2807

Today, it was my one year anniversary with my boyfriend. We had dinner reservations to an expensive restaurant and planned to see a movie after. At least, we did, until he called to tell me he'd volunteered to work tonight. He won't get off until 2am. FML

By Anonymous - United States

26781

3508

Today, a new coworker asked me how to pronounce my name and made a dismissive remark that "All Asian names are so hard to pronounce and they all sound the same". My name is Christopher. FML

By NormalName

4687

228

Today, I realized if you leave a can of soda in parked car during a heatwave it will explode all over everything. My car is like a human glue trap. FML

By bigmikenyc - United States

22992

28533

Today, I found out that the airhead sitting next to me at work who can't get anything done on her own, makes more money than I do. FML

By Anonymous

1870

139

Today, I was accepted to the college of my dreams. Then I checked the address. Turns out, the letter was meant for my neighbor. I was actually denied. FML

By RektForLyfe - United States - Wickliffe

17479

1219

Today, my neighbor called me on vacation to tell me that she let my mother into my house to feed my fish. I don't have fish, and my mother passed away 3 years ago. FML

By My_Name_Is_Zach

37484

2533

Today, I asked the girl I'm madly in love with out to dinner. When she asked me if I would pay, I jokingly said, "Well, that depends on how the date goes." She looked me up and down and said, "No thanks then." FML

By -insert clever nickname here- - United States - Seattle

23424

14919

Today, I banged into a glass door. My friend laughed at me, so I turned around and gave him the finger, then turned back to continue walking and banged into the door again. FML

By sylverster - Singapore

16721

56683

Today, my fiancé was performing oral on me, when I heard him start making a "Waka waka waka waka" noise. He confessed to pretending to be Pacman. FML

By Anonymous - United States

29132

5354

Today, I went on a date with this really cute guy. We were walking in a park and decided to go on the swings. As I was swinging super high up, I threw up. FML

By lapines01

1399

304

Today, my boyfriend proposed. The ring just had a piece of graphite on it. My boyfriend argued that since graphite and diamonds are both just forms of carbon, it is the same thing. FML

By pencilring - United States

36625

14264

Today, I realized that I lie to my friends online and go "offline" for hours at a time so it appears that I have a life outside of the internet. FML

By Kimberly - France

14036

35004

Today, I dressed up, went over to my boyfriend and told him he could do anything he wanted. He said nothing and walked outside. I figured he'd come back in shortly, but when I looked out the window a few minutes later, he was building a snowman. FML

By dollybabe - Ireland

33586

11647

Today, I was babysitting my barely-pubescent cousins, and they started talking about giving blowjobs to their "boyfriends". When I got mad at them and told them they shouldn't be thinking of that stuff, they said I was just pissed 'cause I haven't gotten laid. FML

By bella - United States - Edinburg

53928

5086

Today, I spent the night with my guy, whom I hadn't seen in ages. In the middle of sex, he answered his phone, told me to be quiet, talked to the girl on the other end about how boring his day was, then left the room to finish talking to her. When he came back he asked if I felt like swallowing. FML

By dtmfa - United States

29933

4921

Today, my dad decided that he shouldn't have to wear clothes in the privacy of his own home. FML

By Anna - United States

32204

3361

Today, I was FaceTiming a good friend of mine from back home, telling her how good she looked and how happy I was to hear from her. My insanely jealous girlfriend snatched my phone and smashed it on the ground. I was saying my friend looked good because she'd just finished chemo. FML

By so jealous - 27/4/2020 05:00

Goodbye phone

3028

370

Today, I was at the beach walking on the boardwalk without a shirt on. Two cute girls are walking my way and I decide to try and impress them by flexing my abs. While I flexed them, I accidentally let a fart out that everyone heard. Everybody, including the girls, laughed hysterically at me. FML

By gotmon3y - United States

15885

81596

Today, I put a picture of my cat on Facebook. A stranger sent me a message saying how "attractive" she was and that her eyes are "very seductive". So, basically, someone is trying to hit on my cat. FML

By meow - United States

45093

4898

Today, I was working in my store. Right around closing, a lady came in to try some things on. I went to the back and when I came out, she was standing in the middle of the room with fluid coming from between her legs. I asked her if she was going into labor. She wasn't. She was peeing. FML

By amburrr - United States

57776

2643

Today, it was my first day back to school after break. I wasn't feeling well, but I decided to go anyway. I threw up in the hallway and shit myself at the same time. I waited in the office for my dad to come and get me for almost an hour while wearing dirty underwear. FML

By Anonymous - United States

36578

5226

Today, I read a book by a former client who did time for fraud. She swears she's innocent, and blames everyone for her "ordeal": the police, court, judge, and me, her own attorney. She conveniently forgot to mention her two full confessions, one of which was given before the judge. FML

By Anonymous - Cura?ao

40178

3443

Today, while at the grocery store an elderly woman farted very loudly next to me. Everyone in the aisle looked our way. The woman pointed at me, and left the aisle. I received many disgusted looks from children and their parents. FML

By kykynevs - United States

34081

2845

Today, I got a write-up because I told my boss that it was impossible to have pies, which have a bake time of 1 hour, ready for a customer who wanted them in the next 15 to 20 minutes. Then, when the customer got there and the pies were still in the oven, I got a second write-up for wasting time. FML

By Anonymous Baker

2198

Today, my husband and I have been trying to have a baby for almost a year. I finally have a good chance to get pregnant this month, and I'm ovulating today for the first time in 3 months. My husband has the flu, he's highly contagious for the next 24 hours, and has been asleep since I got home from work. FML

By Anonymous - Canada - Airdrie

Deep desire

2119

232

Today, I was at the school's rec center, working out for the first time in a while. While there, there was this very mysteriously attractive girl who kept shooting me glances. I asked for her number and she responded by saying "if you can lift this same weight as me". I couldn't. FML

By caswell 1 - United States

43415

13164

Today, my math teacher decided to use my acne as an example of symmetry in front of the whole class. FML

By acneface - United States

57630

4075

Today, my mom told me she can't wait for me to turn eighteen so she can turn my room into a place for her to display all her antique glass dolls. FML

By heartless - United States

25460

2494

Today, I started speaking gibberish in the middle of the conversation with my mom to see if she would notice. She didn't. FML

By Anonymous - United States

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3093