When you have to wear this hideous gift...

Today, I found one of my mom's old diaries that dated back to my infant days. I couldn't help but read a little. I'm now in great concern over how many times my mom wrote that she wanted to dunk me in the toilet or throw me against a wall. FML

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Basic Instinct

Ambien conversations are the worst

Boom, headshot

By Anonymous - 9/8/2012 04:19 - United States - La Crosse

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Today, I was sick and had soccer trials on the same day. At the soccer trials, the coach called me over and told me I was doing really good and to keep it up. I said thanks and vomited on him. FML

By jj - 7/11/2014 05:47 - Australia - Windermere Park

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Today, I got a parking ticket. I put the ticket in my bag and accidentally left the bag in my friends car. When I returned, the car window was smashed, my bag was gone. I had to call the police department and ask them to send me a new ticket, on top of the $1000 or so I'd already lost. FML

By Anonymous - 4/6/2009 04:14 - United States

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Today, I drove into my school. Literally drove into my school. FML

By shilpajayseanfan - 24/2/2009 13:43 - Canada

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Today, I watched The Passion of the Christ with my girlfriend. She kept scoffing at what she called the "historical inaccuracies", and actually tried to convince me that Hitler killed Jesus. When I corrected her, she looked at me, mouth agape, as if I was insane. FML

By and she doesn't even give bjs - 9/2/2013 00:44 - Argentina - Buenos Aires

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Today, I walked in on my mother using a razor to shave my dad's cream-covered testicles. FML

By not as scarred as he should be - 18/10/2012 18:19 - Canada - Cambridge

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Today, a teenage girl bumped into me and my phone fell out of my hands, and over the Golden Gate Bridge. FML

By Seriously? - 9/3/2014 06:08 - United States - Mill Valley

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Today, my stupid coworker informed the managers that there were no more kids' menus downstairs. Trusting her word, they ordered 3 full boxes. She then asked me where we kept them. We now have 12,000 kids menus to fold. FML

By Lissa - 14/9/2016 00:00 - United States - Baldwin

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Today, I found out that whenever a mistake is made at my work, my boss assumes that it was me, unless indicated otherwise, but he has never said anything to me about it because of my 'learning disorder'. I don't have a learning disorder. FML

By Brinty - 31/10/2009 05:20 - Australia

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Today, I tore a muscle in my back. At the hospital, I was prescribed some pain medication. My husband got me settled at home, with everything I needed within reach, and left for work. As I picked up the bottle to take the first pill, I knocked it on the floor. It rolled under the couch. FML

By digressions - 29/12/2011 19:01 - Canada

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Today, I had my boyfriend come over for dinner for the first time. It was all going well until my dad started explaining to my boyfriend how to use toilet paper. He even demonstrated it. FML

By Anonymous - 16/2/2011 17:03 - United Kingdom

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Today, I came home to find my brother making out with my girlfriend while taking a selfie. FML

By klifestyle2012 - 12/11/2017 19:00

Classy.

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Today, I was going to walk up to my crush, kiss him, and tell him how I felt. We are already kind of touchy with each other, so I thought he liked me back. I walked up to him and kissed him. He kissed me back, then gently pushed me away. He quietly whispered, "I'm gay." Then walked away. FML

By Miranda - 7/6/2020 17:06

Confused

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Today, I went to the grocery store. My checker was very hot. When it came time for me to pay, I swiped my debit card and the machine kept rejecting it. Sure that I had money in my account, I did it again, before the cute checker informed me that I was swiping my driver's license, not my debit. FML

By flustered - 28/7/2009 22:55 - United States

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Today, I decide to go to my ex-girlfriend's house to bring her stuff back. I broke up with her earlier this week after a 2 year relationship, and I'd hoped she would have realized her mistake and ask me to stay for a bit and talk. I ring the doorbell and her new boyfriend opens the door. FML

By noname - 22/12/2008 11:54 - France

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Today, I moved to California. Too bad the rest of my belongings didn't. FML

By tomoxishigaki - 17/11/2011 01:32 - United States

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Today, I discovered the crunching noise your foot will make if you accidentally drop a cement block on it. FML

By flatfoot - 9/8/2012 19:33 - Canada - Hamilton

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Today, I was with my boyfriend, and we started to get a little kinky. He laid me down roughly on the bed, but I started to slide off, so I pulled myself up. In doing so, I managed to knee him in the nut-sack, causing him to puke. FML

By LaLa - 9/1/2012 05:01 - United States

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Today, my 12-year-old son came home after a week with his father. He was still wearing the same socks and underwear I sent him out with. FML

By M. Moore - 10/6/2019 18:00

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Today, the highlight of my day was someone prank-calling me. FML

By Anonymous - 22/12/2010 16:19 - United Kingdom

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Today, my girlfriend texted me to pick her up some medicine because she’s "all plugged up." When I arrived with laxatives, she yelled at me. She meant her sinuses. FML

By jakestorm - 4/9/2019 20:00

Blockages

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Today, I found my daughter's brand new ipod touch. At the bottom of the washing machine. FML

By payne - 4/1/2010 21:07 - United States

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Today, a guy left flowers on my doorstep. I got home to find my dad claiming he bought them for my mum. I told my parents they were mine, they laughed in my face. FML

By lp525252 - 20/3/2013 10:59 - Australia - Miranda

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Today, my sister gently asked me if I was gay. Turns out I've been without a boyfriend for so long that the whole family believes I secretly have a girlfriend. FML

By Singlelady - 21/9/2016 19:16 - United Kingdom - Stoke-on-trent

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Today, my sister asked me to help her set up for my niece's birthday party. Being the lazy person that I am, I got my niece to blow up the non-helium balloons. Apparently she's allergic to latex and I'll be the one paying for the hospital bill. FML

By ivyleaguebabe - 3/6/2009 21:48 - United States

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Today, I decided to write a romantic email to my boyfriend describing how much I love and miss him. An hour later, I got an email back saying, "I think we need to discuss this." It seems I sent it to my teacher by mistake. FML

By mjbx - 1/1/2012 19:02 - United Kingdom

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Today, I was at work, the Disney Store. A little boy was crying so I went over to him. After talking to him for a little while I found out he couldn't find his mother. When he became comfortable I went to help him stand up, he choked back his tears and then puked all over me from the waist down. FML

By Ren - 27/1/2009 20:02 - United States

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Today, I found out that me and my best friend are both pregnant. We live together, and both had one night stands with the same guy. Now we are going to be each raising his children in the same house while he has decided to "not get involved" and move to a different state. FML

By anonymous - 3/12/2009 06:55 - United States

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Today, I was late for a meeting. The meeting hall door was made of glass, and it said pull, but in my rush, I pushed the door so hard that it shattered into small pieces. FML

By Ahsan - 16/8/2019 01:02 - Pakistan - Multan

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Today, I was asked by my neighbor to stop jogging in our neighborhood because he keeps catching his son whacking off while watching me. His son is 28 years old and still lives at home. I'm 18. FML

By whatjusthappened - 6/9/2013 00:46 - United States - Loveland

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Today, my boyfriend of 2 weeks said that he was going to cook me dinner. After waiting for the frozen pizza that he decided to make for me to be completely cooked, he said, "Oh I hate this part", reached into the oven with his bare hands and took out the pizza, all while screaming. He is 24. FML

By Anonymous - 11/4/2013 15:42 - United States

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Today, I used the tanning booth for the first time. Not only was I so white that I received first-degree burns all over my body, but I also forgot to remove my knee-high socks. FML

By Ellowise - 24/12/2009 10:06 - Belgium

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Today, I've realised that I give my girlfriend more pleasure with back rubs than with anything sexual. FML

By billjoebob424 - 7/2/2020 01:00 - Canada

My pleasure

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Today, I was out walking with a cute girl when we passed by a house with a Trump sign. Trying to make her laugh, I went to steal it. Turns out it was booby trapped. I got drenched by a sprinkler when I got close. FML

By Anonymous - 27/9/2020 23:03

Devious, the lot of them

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Today, my boyfriend of three months texted me saying he loves me. I excitedly started texting back, "I love you too." Before I even got done, he messaged again saying, "Can you send a pic of your tits to me now?" FML

By luvlessbootycall - 24/7/2010 05:23 - United States

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Today, my five-year-old daughter told me she was going to throw up. I told her to rush to the bathroom. I followed her a few seconds later, only to find her sitting on the toilet and vomiting onto the floor. FML

By espylone - 17/12/2011 15:42 - France

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Today, I saw the pumpkin I had put out for Halloween was starting to get mushy. I went to put it in a trash bag when it slipped out of my hands and burst over my knee. My dog heard the noise, ran into the kitchen and attacked me out of panic. FML

By downgirl - 4/11/2015 06:02 - United States - Norman

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Today, I had to ask my mum not to meditate while driving. FML

By Anonymous - 5/3/2012 00:59 - Australia

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Today, my roommate turned the thermostat down to 50 degrees. Why? Because she read that shivering burns calories. FML

By Anonymous - 11/12/2012 17:17 - United States

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Today, I started my dream job of being a veterinarian. My first day consisted of having to put down 12 dogs and 5 cats. FML

By mike h - 10/8/2012 04:37 - United States - Mcadoo

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