When you have to wear this hideous gift...

Today, my doctor asked for a urine sample. It's the first time I've tried to cup my own pee. Despite the fact that I'm a woman, I managed to aim wrong, and sprayed the floor, hit the door and my handbag with my own pee. FML

Videos

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

British Broadcasting Corporation

Fairytale ending

By goldengirl - 26/8/2011 09:09 - Australia

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Today, my roommate pressed "snooze" on his alarm 14 times. I counted. FML

By roommateprobssss:( - 11/12/2012 15:57 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend stormed out after I suggested to him that his relationship with his mother is maybe a little weird. Apparently having regular, hour-long phone discussions about your penis is a perfectly normal thing for a 23-year-old to have with his mother. FML

By tiredofcrazy - 18/3/2014 09:14 - Australia

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Today, while arriving to a date for the first time in a couple years, the first thing out of his mouth was, "I'm only dressed up because I had court today." FML

By anonymous - 9/10/2014 22:09 - United States - San Francisco

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Today, just 8 months away from graduating medical school, I successfully diagnosed myself with basal cell carcinoma. At least all that studying is paying off. FML

By MDpending - 1/11/2019 13:00 - United States

Physician, heal thyself

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Today, I got so bored that I ordered my DVD drawer from awesomest to non-awesomest. I need a life. FML

By melonhead77 - 29/3/2012 11:46 - Cyprus

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Today, I was taking a shower with my new boyfriend for the first time. Last night was the first night we spent together. As I was washing my hair, I looked down at my feet and noticed yellow water. Some of the warm water I felt on my feet was not from the shower head. FML

By Marcela - 18/3/2009 13:47 - United States

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Today, one of my cousins offered to sell me his mac for a low price. When I got it, I realized it was an old toshiba painted white with an apple sticker on it. My cousin still insists it's a mac. FML

By roflcopter - 19/8/2010 00:53 - United States

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Today, my friends and I were kicked out of a Red Robin after the manager told us that our server accused us of making "sexually suggestive gestures" towards her. The gesture in question was the circle game. FML

By Richard - 7/8/2018 18:30

2017

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Today, my boyfriend thought the garbage can in our kitchen smelled bad. Instead of cleaning it, he had it equipped with a Wunderbaum. Our entire house now smells like "New Car". FML

By everfresh - 26/1/2011 10:38 - Finland

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Today, after parking my car, I was informed by an incredibly hot girl that my tail light was faulty. I tried hitting it to make it work again. Guess who has 5 stitches and a smashed tail light? FML

By Anonymous - 12/2/2012 04:25 - United States

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Today, I decided to teach my dog not to be scared of the vacuum cleaner. I grab the handle and get it close to her. She runs off and hides behind the couch and pisses everywhere. FML

By Slaanesh - 12/12/2008 12:08 - France

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Today, my cousin asked me what it's like to be so fat. I chastised him and said that was a rude thing to ask. He apologized, then asked me what it's like to be such a pussy. He didn't stop until he, a 10 year old kid, had reduced me, a 26 year old woman, to tears. FML

By keelah - 27/6/2014 21:57 - United States - Montgomery

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Today, my friends and I ran through a flock of resting seagulls. The birds took to the skies and chased after us, covering us in shit. FML

By shithead - 18/9/2011 20:17 - United States

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Today, I went to this meditation center which my mom suggested to get mental peace as I have been hating my job and life for some time now. I drove for an hour and then walked around in scorching Indian sun for 2 hours trying to locate the damn place. I got lost and returned home angrier than ever. FML

By zboy_123 - 23/8/2009 18:33 - India

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Today, I saw a person in my class completing a project that was due two periods later and that they had just started in the bathroom. They got a better grade than me. FML

By Anomaly - 3/3/2015 02:43 - United States - Trenton

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Today, I shut one of my breasts in my car door. FML

By Anonymous - 18/1/2014 06:29 - United States - Colorado Springs

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Today, I used a public bathroom. I hung my purse up on the hook on the door. Two minutes later, a hand reaches over the door and steals my purse. I got robbed while taking a crap. FML

By xobeachbabi428ox - 18/7/2009 22:32 - United States

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Today, I found out that, after a year of separation, my ex-wife is pregnant and due in a few months. The divorce became official a few weeks ago and the father is my former best friend. FML

By Anonymous - 19/6/2018 19:00

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Today, I found some porn videos in my parents room. I put them in and began to toss off, but as the camera moved up I realized it was my mom and my step-dad. FML

By Noname - 6/2/2009 18:25 - United States

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Today, while at work, I was picking up paper in the bathroom. In one stall I saw what I thought was a wadded piece of the brown paper to dry your hands. It wasn't until I realized it was sticking to my bare hand that I realized it was feces. Human feces. FML

By Oddity_C - 25/11/2009 01:00 - United States

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Today, I was training at work on proper techniques of physical restraint. As my coworker was practicing on me, I realized this was the first time I've had physical contact with a man in years. I'm ashamed to admit how good it felt to feel his weight pressed into my back as I pretended to resist. FML

By Anonymous - 4/10/2013 05:04 - United States - Salt Lake City

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Today, my son told his teacher that she "has a nice rack." He's four. FML

By Anonymous - 4/12/2010 06:50 - Singapore

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Today, my husband told me yet again that the last two years have been the worst of his life. Our two year anniversary is next week. FML

By heart broken - 29/12/2014 09:05 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend went to kiss me as we were walking home. It was very icy and he slipped. His teeth went through my lip. FML

By Vicky - 26/12/2009 20:47 - United Kingdom

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Today, I took my dog for a walk down by the river. I was throwing sticks for him with one hand and talking on the phone with the other. Then I accidentally threw my phone in the river instead of the stick and was standing there talking to the stick while my phone sat at the bottom of the river. FML

By El Boz - 22/2/2009 14:52 - United States

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Today, my boss told me to find the bad smell coming from the apartment we were working on. I found the bath tub about 4 inches high full of piss and spent the next hour bailing it out into a bucket because the drain wasn't connected yet. I have pee stain in all the wrong places. FML

By seanzynotfonzyehhhhh - 4/8/2016 05:16 - United States

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Today, I was watching a movie with my new boyfriend. I got tired so I thought it would be cute to fall asleep on him. He woke me up and said "You got me wet" Thinking it was a joke, I said smoothly, "That's what she said" He replied "No really." I looked down, I'd drooled all over his shirt. FML

By drooler - 6/8/2009 02:23 - United States

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Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend with some kinky role play. I chose a sexy naughty nun's outfit, complete with head cover, thigh-high stockings and crotchless panties. I guess my outfit was a little too convincing, because he couldn’t get it up. Thanks Catholic guilt. FML

By nuns aren’t sexy - 7/5/2019 02:00

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Today my boss informed us that there were no more single shifts we were all working doubles until further notice. Also there’s a way for us to “earn” a half day but we have to out sell everyone else in the office to get it. So being new I haven’t had time off in two weeks... FML

By ihatetheholidays - 23/12/2018 20:00

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Today, I received the box my parents sent me for my birthday. Contents were a travel first-aid kit, and a remote control robot toy, with an age recommendation on the box of 8. I'm 29. They thought that since I'm an engineer I would like the toy. They also think I'll hurt myself with it. FML

By JustAGiftCardPlease - 16/6/2009 04:39 - United States

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Today, I got so desperate for cash that I decided to start selling my used panties online. FML

By Natasha - 29/10/2015 08:58 - United States - Seattle

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Today, at work, I heard a child whisper, "Mom, why do that woman's ears look like that?" The mom replied, "Because she's not smart enough for a good job." I have large plug ears and a degree in mechanical engineering. I waitress because no engineering firm will hire me. FML

By Savingforplasticsurgery - 14/4/2018 19:00

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Today, despite my pain, my mom still refuses to take me to a foot doctor because, "They all have foot fetishes." FML

By illjustlimpthen - 25/10/2012 02:44 - United States - Waukesha

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Today, I woke up on the couch and realized I had fallen asleep while doing laundry. Ran to the laundry room, and found all my clothes gone. I really wish I hadn't been doing a load of all my pants. FML

By Anonymous - 30/7/2015 01:50 - United States - Schenectady

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Today, my high point was still being able to recite all 151 generation one Pokémon in order, from memory. I need a life. FML

By pokeloser - 24/6/2019 07:04

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Today, my girlfriend and I were going through some troubles in our relationship, and she said to me, "No offense, but I really hope no other relationship I have in the future will be like this one." Some offense taken. FML

By anon - 31/10/2012 04:22 - United States - Medford

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Today, after months of planning the perfect night with my brother, who was coming home for 2 weeks from the military, he cancelled because he "missed his dog". FML

By ThanksDog - 5/6/2016 21:26

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Today, I was extremely constipated. This is a side effect of the medication I take to alleviate my stomach condition. Due to this same condition I can't eat much roughage. We have no laxatives or stool softeners, and I have been shitting bricks for three days. FML

By Anonymous - 8/12/2010 02:38 - United States

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Today, I found out I was 13th in a graduating class of about 350 students. When I told my mother, without batting an eye, she told me, "Hey, shit floats". FML

By Parental Support - 30/8/2013 04:11 - United States - Ellicott City

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