By Anonymous - 3/11/2020 01:57 - United States

Strange metric

Today, I decided that I need to lose weight when I discovered I could no longer chew on my own toenails. FML

I agree, your life sucks

204

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1366

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Understandable

Summertime sadness

No smoking

By Iron11

Today, I had a date with a girl I've liked for a while. We went out to a nice Italian restaurant for dinner. I was obviously going to pay, but when the bill came I realized I'd forgotten my wallet. When I told her, she thought I was a cheap liar and now she won't answer my calls. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15650

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4342

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Today, I accidentally uploaded a video of me pleasing myself to my Snapchat story. Five people saw it before I could take it down. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4920

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14874

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out why my cell phone has been going missing every night for the last few months. My sister has been "borrowing" it so she can hold it against her crotch and repeatedly push the vibrate button. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59329

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5144

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By SleeplessinNJ - 10/12/2020 05:01 - United States - Raritan

Bad Moon Rising

Today, one of my fiancé's groomsmen is an alcoholic, and my fiance is in denial about it. He's a nice guy when sober, but belligerent, disrespectful and out of control when drinking. My fiancé refuses to acknowledge my anxiety at having him in our wedding with an open bar. FML

I agree, your life sucks

800

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By Grant - United States

Today, I found out that my son told my daughter at some point that "real" name for Hershey's Kisses is "blowjobs." I found this out because at kindergarten she was asked what her favorite food was. The teacher wasn't happy when she called me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36662

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3084

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By Anonymous - 13/6/2020 08:08

Assumptions

Today, a salesman came to the door and I assumed the guy was peddling solar stuff. Before the poor guy had a chance to say anything, I blurted out, "We don't need any, we only spend $80 on electricity in the summer." He pointed to his shirt and replied, "I'm an exterminator." I then tried to awkwardly apologize. FML

I agree, your life sucks

603

You deserved it

1535

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By Grad Student

Today, I found out that I have to take a weekly workshop outside of class time all semester, and it's only offered on the day I have the most work hours. I barely make ends meet as it is, but the professor said to figure it out or fail. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4762

You deserved it

310

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By BurnedDown - United Kingdom - Bridlington

Today, I wanted to spice things up in the bedroom with my husband, so I set up some Halloween torches to create a wild ambiance. Unfortunately our dickhead neighbours saw the glow, didn't remember that fire tends to give off smoke, and called the fire department on us. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39350

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7728

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By wearingashirtatthepool - United States - East Brunswick

Today, I spent thirty minutes on the phone with my best friend's mom, because her daughter was too afraid to tell me that I'm no longer a bridesmaid at her wedding because I'm too fat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14609

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1621

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By Johnnogood - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my boss fired me because of the way I laugh. Apparently it reminds him too much of his ex-wife's laugh. I'm a guy. FML

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28714

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2232

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By forever alone - Germany - Apolda

Today, my boyfriend told me that we wouldn't move in together as we had planned to do for a long time. His mother forbade it. He is 27. FML

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30076

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3036

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my five-year-old told me she had accidentally swallowed a thumbtack. In panic mode we raced to the ER. With no insurance. Only after the tests, examinations and X-rays did she tell me was "just joking." FML

I agree, your life sucks

34345

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3738

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By Anonymous - United States - South Salem

Today, I heard the ice cream truck. Being the idiot that I am, I ran down the steps and almost immediately fell down them. I needed four stitches. I didn't even get my ice cream. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22997

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9542

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I overheard my mom telling my younger sister not to use my razors because she "doesn't know what I may have." FML

I agree, your life sucks

29901

You deserved it

4957

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By rawr_ily96 - 24/5/2020 08:00 - United States

Barf

Today, I was struck at home with a stomach virus. My dad, being an occasional insensitive smart-ass, decided to cook some bacon, sit right in front of the couch I was lying on, and eat the bacon. Last time I tried to eat bacon with a stomach virus... Not pretty. FML

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1199

You deserved it

182

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I tried exercising. My whole house shook. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29475

You deserved it

14198

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By nightowl506 - United States

Today, I received gorgeous orchids from my long distance boyfriend. I was excited about it and told my parents. They still are convinced I have no boyfriend and I mailed the flowers to myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37809

You deserved it

4002

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By ewww - United States

Today, my husband stabbed me with his unusually long nasty toes nails in the leg while he slept. It took 3 stitches to fix it up, my husband and doctor laughed the entire time. He still refuses to cut them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42247

You deserved it

3855

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By dumb cats - 24/10/2020 05:01 - United States - Victorville

No, Drake, no

Today, my girlfriend and I were walking near a pond when we saw a drake forcefully mating with a duck. She burst into tears and demanded I stop them. When I told her no, that it’s just nature and thats how they breed, she dumped me for supporting and "enabling rape." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1460

You deserved it

618

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By Lee - United States

Today, we spread my uncle's ashes at my grandparent's house. We were on a hill overlooking a sunset. It was a beautiful ceremony... until the winds changed direction. Our whole family wound up covered in my Uncle. He's still stuck in my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54730

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4107

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By Anonymous - 15/1/2021 19:58

What's the point?

Today, my university required us to set learning goals for each semester and then evaluate them later. And no, the answer, "I want to learn whatever they teach me in the classes I’m taking" isn't permitted. Neither is picking your own classes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

675

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130

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By JoshWontonDo - United Kingdom - London

Today, I tried to charge my phone at school by removing the socket for the fan. All the computers in the room turned off. I accidentally removed the power cables for the computers and got suspended. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6167

You deserved it

14983

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By fmfb - United States

Today, my girlfriend got into my Facebook and changed our relationship status to single just to see which of my friends would "like" it. After revealing to me what she did, she now says I can no longer be friends with anyone who liked it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43543

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By coolbeans123 - Singapore

Today, my dad texted me while I was in school saying, "Your cat vomited. Covered it up with a bowl so you can clean it when you come home." FML

I agree, your life sucks

39407

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7679

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By unwanted - 1/4/2020 05:00 - Canada

Named and shamed

Today, I discovered that my cool, unique first name translates to "unwanted" in Hindi. Both my parents studied abroad in India for five years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2101

You deserved it

126

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By mannydanny - United Kingdom

Today, I asked my Dad if it was true that my mother had a C-section at my birth. He replied "Yeah, so technically you weren't even born, you were surgically removed, like a tumor." FML

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41094

You deserved it

5008

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By Anonymous - Ukraine - Donetsk

Today, my car went missing. My sister constantly asks to borrow it, so I called her and asked if she had it. She swore blind that she didn't, so I called the cops and reported it stolen. They soon caught her driving the stolen vehicle. She blames me and is now telling everyone I set her up to be arrested. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31181

You deserved it

1913

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By Nykole McAllister - United States - Baltimore

Today, I was talking to a nice guy on a dating app and we exchanged numbers. Later, I got a call. It was his wife asking me to stop talking to her husband. FML

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2998

You deserved it

252

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By LightsOut - United States

Today, I finished working a 70 hour work week. I'm a lineman for the electric company, and worked extended hours all week getting people's lights back on after a wind storm. When I got home, my power was out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43459

You deserved it

3117

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was late to a sold out movie in the theater, so I had to shuffle in during the previews in the dark. I sat down in what I thought was the last vacant seat, but I'd really just sat in a small woman's lap. She was not happy. FML

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25319

You deserved it

12947

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By Anonymous

Today, I came home from a long business trip. I walked in the front door to see my house was a complete mess.The first thing my son said was "Did you bring pizza?" FML

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2724

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327

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By Franigirl - United States

Today, I had to present a powerpoint in front of my class. When I was finished, no one clapped. On my way back to my seat, I slipped on a pencil and fell straight on my face. That's when everyone clapped. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39872

You deserved it

4554

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By NoKeyNoCar - United States

Today, I rented a car that has a smart key. The proximity of the key determines if the doors will unlock. I went to a meeting and returned to the car with the trunk popped open and all my luggage gone. The rental company decided to store a spare key in the glovebox for safe keeping. FML

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46958

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3269

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By Big bootay

Today, while at a restaurant, my 4 year old son pointed to a lady and exclaimed “Mom, her butt is even bigger than yours!” FML.

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2132

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335

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By desertpunk75 - United States

Today, my friends thought it'd be funny to hold lighters under the smoke alarms while I was sleeping. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25765

You deserved it

3155

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend and I had a lovely dinner date. Our waitress was really sweet, so we talked about leaving her a big tip. When we got home, we discovered we both thought the other person had left it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5198

You deserved it

1640

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By CrappyCar - United States

Today, I received a notice that if I don't move the abandoned vehicle from outside my house it will be repossessed at my expense. My car isn't abandoned. FML

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43782

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4222

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By liquorless - Canada - Hamilton

Today, my girlfriend's mother came over for a few hours. After she left I went to grab a drink, only to find that three bottles of expensive liquor were missing from our liquor cabinet. FML

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25062

You deserved it

1919

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By KnuckleSandwich - United States

Today, I received a medical bill because my daughter thought it would be hilarious to try and fit her fist in her mouth. She succeeded in getting it in, but not in getting it out. FML

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45555

You deserved it

3738

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By pianoplayer - Canada - Mackenzie

Today, my neighbors called the police and said that they saw, through the window, a suspicious person in my house doing something to my piano. The "suspicious person" was me, in my own house, playing my own piano. FML

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47440

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Top comments

By FMLMaximus | 23

#7949421 - Tuesday 3 November 2020 2:33

why would you be trying to do that anyway? gross.

By RichardPencil | 29

#7949424 - Tuesday 3 November 2020 2:51

That's your motivation to lose weight?

I've heard the motto, "Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels."

You'd refute that saying, "Toenails do!"

COMMENTS

By FMLMaximus | 23

#7949421 - Tuesday 3 November 2020 2:33

why would you be trying to do that anyway? gross.

By RichardPencil | 29

#7949424 - Tuesday 3 November 2020 2:51

That's your motivation to lose weight?

I've heard the motto, "Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels."

You'd refute that saying, "Toenails do!"

By natiaresi | 16

#7949425 - Tuesday 3 November 2020 3:06

That’s just gross

By Nhayaa | 21

#7949438 - Tuesday 3 November 2020 5:59

Gross.

By KaylaJo334 | 7

#7949439 - Tuesday 3 November 2020 6:02

Who tf chews on their toe nails???? I think you are having a possible vitamin deficiency

By Charlie Given | 23

#7949441 - Tuesday 3 November 2020 6:15

😱😵🤢 You nasty

By 123Puppy | 31

#7949546 - Tuesday 3 November 2020 14:55

You’re disgusting...

By fireblazes | 9

#7949556 - Tuesday 3 November 2020 16:32

Seek mental help.

By genuinegoodguy | 9

#7949658 - Tuesday 3 November 2020 23:37

Supple is good!

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7949919 - Thursday 5 November 2020 1:19

Pica, gross habit, or bizarre fetish? Taking all bets!