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The all-time greatest FMLs

Issues

By Anonymous - 04/06/2020 05:00

Today, I woke up from a vivid dream in which I murdered my entire family. It took 20 minutes after waking up, drenched in sweat and tears, to realize I'm not a murderer and my life is OK. This dream is recurring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 230

You deserved it 194

By Anonymous - 22/05/2019 22:00

Today, my boyfriend admitted to me that the picture of "him as a baby" is really his son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 230

You deserved it 179

By Anonymous - 29/04/2019 18:00

Today, I still can't get my ex out of my house. It's been a year and he, "refuses to give up on something special." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 230

You deserved it 599

Get off my lawn!

By Anonymous - 08/04/2022 18:00

Today, some completely out of touch with reality woman told me I didn’t deserve my house I bought with my own money, because it’s a 4 bedroom yet I live alone, so I should give it to her unemployed ass and her 6 hungry children. She wouldn’t leave and stood in my garden fake crying for 4 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 230

You deserved it 208

Late warning

By TheGestalt97 - 20/12/2019 05:00

Today, an email appeared in my inbox saying that the final this week that was supposed to be on Saturday has been moved forward to Thursday. It’s Friday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 230

You deserved it 186

By trixieee - 04/08/2019 12:00

Today, my boyfriend got a text from a "close female friend." The text was of her with no shirt on, and he quickly closed his phone. His explanation was that his female friends just want his opinion on how they look. I don't know what's worse, that there are several, or that he thinks I'm that stupid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 230

You deserved it 208

Good job!

By Anonymous - 11/04/2020 20:00

Today, my husband fell asleep in the middle of a blowjob. I feel kind of insulted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 230

You deserved it 598

Catfished!

By Anonymous - 09/06/2019 05:56

Today, I found out my husband has been "cheating" on me with some girl from Russia that he has to pay for regularly. This explains why he never has any money, he's actually dumb enough to be scammed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 230

You deserved it 236

Last dates

By Anonymous - 19/06/2020 17:00

Today, a guy I've been dating for a year asked me to meet him for dinner and a couple of drinks. After dinner, he confessed that he's been seeing another woman and has decided he wants to seek a relationship with her. He then told me how sex with me is great, but he didn't want me to continue being "the other woman." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 229

You deserved it 253

Can't win

By Anonymous - 24/09/2019 22:00

Today, I was in the mood for morning sex, but my wife told me to go wank it off in the bathroom. Three minutes later I was mid-wank when she started banging on the door because I was taking too long, and she needed to pee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 229

You deserved it 395

Unreasonable demands

By why? - 12/04/2020 17:00

Today, my close friend who’s always been incredibly vocal about how much she hates children, never wants to be around them or have anything to do with them, stopped speaking to me. She’s incredibly "hurt" that I asked another friend to be my unborn child's godmother instead of her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 228

You deserved it 198

Alexa, play "I Won't Share You" by The Smiths

By Shawn Bennight - 10/06/2020 08:07

Today, my wife of 23 years said she wanted a divorce, that she didn't love me anymore and is moving out. Why? I told her I didn't want us to date and have sex with other people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 228

You deserved it 235

Artificial teeth

By horribleawfulnogoodverybadweek - 15/11/2019 05:00

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me over text because she discovered from my mum that my teeth aren't my natural teeth, and she feels disgusted kissing me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 228

You deserved it 186

It's not you, it's him

By Anonymous - 02/10/2021 23:01 - Italy - Benevento

Today, after telling my boyfriend I never achieved an orgasm with any of my past partners, and therefore telling him what I need to get there, he won't even touch me, let alone do anything "down there" because he has never done it on any of his past girlfriends, and thinks it's gross. I make sure to always be fresh and clean. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 228

You deserved it 295

Nosebleed

By bloody good time - 23/11/2019 05:00

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend, and he slid his hand up near my face too fast and ended up clocking me in the nose. It is the first time that I've ever had nosebleed while orgasming. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 227

You deserved it 260

Everyone's an expert

By whatever mom - 23/07/2020 14:02

Today, my mother scolded me for undressing my son and giving him Tylenol to break his fever. She insisted I wrap him in several layers to increase his body temperature in order to let him "sweat the fever out." I’m married to a pediatrician. My mom didn’t finish high school. She swears we're wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 227

You deserved it 174

By Anonymous - 05/06/2017 22:00

Today, I woke up early to weird scratching and smacking noises. After gathering enough courage to check what it was, I found out it was just an ant stuck on a piece of paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 227

You deserved it 347

This explains that

By 1gullible_bugger - This FML is from back in 2019 but it's good stuff

Today, I was assaulted by a crazy drunk woman. Why? Six years ago, her kids were put into foster care because she was unfit. Somehow, this was my fault. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 226

You deserved it 206

By emeraldapostle - 27/04/2019 00:00

Today, my grandfather scolded me for not wanting to go to my 12-year-old cousin's basketball game. This is the same grandfather that refused to go to my high school graduation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 225

You deserved it 156

Mixed signals

By Brianna Michelle Ferrell - 21/09/2019 20:00

Today, my boyfriend took me out to a fancy dinner. Halfway through, he said he wanted to break up. I started crying, but the whole restaurant thought he'd proposed, and started clapping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 225

You deserved it 171

Congratulations…?

By beka - 07/01/2019 12:00

Today, after our housing offer was accepted, I told my parents. The only response was, “That’s a much nicer house than I had when I got married, I hope you can afford furniture.” Thanks mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 225

You deserved it 279

By jennahh - 10/07/2019 22:00

Today, I had a sexual dream about my ex, and I woke up after saying his name. My boyfriend was awake, and heard all the dirty talk and me moaning my ex-boyfriend's name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 224

You deserved it 1 093

Great talk, Dad

By Anonymous - 28/08/2019 14:00 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I was sitting in my room when my dad walked in to talk. He said I'm not the son he'd hoped for, and that he'd been let down as a father. He said I should change the way I am so that he could love me more. It was the longest conversation I've had with my dad in years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 224

You deserved it 165

More context please !

By Anonymous - 23/10/2022 02:00

Today, my girlfriend tried to distract me from an argument I was winning by taking off her clothes for sex. Then she got mad when I told her to grow up and get dressed. By the way, the fight was over how she threw my mom's ashes in the trash, I don’t care if we never have sex again, I’m gonna win this argument. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 222

You deserved it 259

Close shave

By Gears - 29/04/2019 16:00

Today, I had dinner at a local fast-food joint. There's an employee there that I usually talk to and flirt with, so I thought maybe it was time to ask for her number. After a small conversation and almost getting to the point, she told me, "I'm 17." I'm 23. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 220

You deserved it 814

Tales of the Unexpected

By maddyUnderstood - This FML is from back in 2019 but it's good stuff

Today, I went into a job interview for Quizno's. The boss there talked to me for an hour and half about everything on God's green earth. She noticed I was a certified swim instructor. I left Quizno's with no job, but with an appointment to teach the boss how to swim tomorrow at 9 a.m. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 220

You deserved it 259

Jeez, chill out dude

By Anonymous - 22/01/2023 07:30 - Australia - Peakhurst

Today, my wife is still angry with me, 11 years later, for not allowing her to give our son her surname. Damn you, your surname is your ex-husband's name. You never changed it back. How on Earth is it acceptable for my child to carry your ex's surname? FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 219

You deserved it 168

By ihatebadkids - 24/06/2019 16:07 - United States - Hesperia

Today, I was uninvited from every family event henceforth, because I finally had it and told my sister that I can’t stand to be around her horribly misbehaved kids. They have screaming meltdown tantrums, throw and break things, start fights and steal. How am I the bad guy? FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 219

You deserved it 283

By alone in ND - 25/07/2019 16:00

Today, it's my 25th birthday. I closed at work, not one person wished me happy birthday, no calls or letters from my family. Even my boyfriend of 3 years didn’t remember. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 219

You deserved it 212

There's insane and then there's this guy

By Anonymous - 30/03/2020 08:00

Today, my idiot boss, who says he used to be an EMT, thinks that all safety precautions in the company COVID-19 response memo and everything we’ve heard from the WHO and CDC is bull and removed the gloves from everyone’s truck. We’re a plumbing and drain company. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 219

You deserved it 121

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The Top

Today, my English teacher kicked me out of class for being "rude and disruptive." In actuality, I had called her out for having blatantly used Google Translate for several example sentences, all of which sounded as if a semi-literate foreigner had constructed them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 517

You deserved it 3 946

Today, some cops came to my house saying that the neighbors thought the party I was having was too loud and obnoxious. It was my grandmother's 86 birthday party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 458

You deserved it 2 932

Today, I discovered that the lovely, hunger-inducing smell that's been lingering around the office lately is from the local animal crematory. I've been wistfully inhaling the stench of burning cats, dogs, and other various animals. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 065

You deserved it 7 090

Today, I was on Craigslist looking for a new guitar. I found the diamond earrings and necklace set I gave to my girlfriend last year. She wants 50 bucks for them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 667

You deserved it 2 577

Today, l remembered the second time my then-future-wife and I had sex; she soundly feel asleep during the act. According to her, this was because she felt so comfortable with me. Well my friends, she has increasingly got more comfortable with me in the past 20 years. Very, very comfortable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 458

You deserved it 166

Today, my husband discovered a big wasp nest on the porch. Rather than spray it, he decided to suck up the wasps with the vacuum. He also did not empty it. I can see the still living wasps buzzing furiously inside the vacuum chamber and I'm scared to touch it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 434

You deserved it 91