Today, a few weeks after moving in with my boyfriend, I borrowed...

By Kitty Lover - 11/6/2016 19:04 - United States - Houston

Today, a few weeks after moving in with my boyfriend, I borrowed his phone to Google something because mine was dead. His most recent searches? "How kill cat", "Kill cat laws", "Cat + poison". I thought he was ok with my cat when I moved in. FML

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Animals

Live dumping

Business savvy

Creepy

By Manu - 14/2/2017 09:00 - United States - Columbia

Today, I went to get my first manicure. While waiting, I looked at the menu board. When I wondered aloud: "I know what a French manicure is, but what on Earth is a Polish change?" The whole place started laughing and I guess I'm not going back. FML

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By ehwat - 26/11/2009 05:31 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend that since I lost my job I can't afford a Christmas present for him, or anyone. He said trying anal would be fine. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2015 12:35 - Australia

Today, while trying to lift a weight bar at the gym, I ended up cracking my rib cage and almost passed out. My friend, who was supposed to be spotting for me, couldn't help until the last second because he'd snuck off to flirt with a pair of guys halfway across the room. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2012 02:02 - United States

Today, I received the "employee of the month" title from the job I was fired from last week. FML

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By badwaitress - 5/6/2009 17:57 - United Kingdom

Today, I was working as a waitress at a wedding. I was trying to clear the tables as quickly as possible and decided to place a half bowl of soup on top of the pile of plates I was carrying. As I was hurrying back to the kitchen I tripped and spilt the soup all over the bride's ivory dress. FML

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By anonymous - 1/4/2012 18:38 - United States

Today, I was making love to my boyfriend, when he said "I love you, baby." I told him to go deeper, but instead of doing so, he decided to completely kill the mood by stopping and saying it again in a Barry White type voice. FML

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By Noname - 17/3/2009 14:42 - United States

Today, I was flirting with a really hot guy at a track meet and I gave him my number. When I asked him what school he went to he replied, "Oh, I don't go to school, We're from the juvenile corrections facility." FML

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By DM - 4/3/2013 20:02 - United States - Fayville

Today, I walked into what I thought would be a surprise birthday party. It wasn't. It was my parents staging an intervention over my cat obsession. FML

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By love-shot - 17/8/2013 08:24 - United States - Hays

Today, I discovered that when my crush leans in to kiss me, I get so nervous I throw up. Then throw up again thinking about how embarrassed I am. FML

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By ThanksMom - 8/7/2016 07:54 - United States - State College

Today, while taking out the trash late at night with my mom, a group of people drove by and decided it would be funny to turn around and chase us up the driveway in their car. Before I even realized what was happening, my mom was already halfway to the house yelling back, "You're on your own!" FML

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By - 20/1/2017 22:00

Today, as any other work day, I sat down for lunch. Unfortunately, the door to the toilet is right next to where I sit. Every time a colleague uses the toilet, I hear everything, which puts me off my lunch. FML

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By katie - 25/5/2011 08:23

Today, as my girlfriend and I were making love, and she started to moan and groan. All of a sudden, she stopped and said "I'm lying, you suck at this." FML

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By epiiphany - 16/12/2009 23:01 - United States

Today, my little brother got mad at me, so he colored the entire screen of my new iPod Touch with a black sharpie. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2010 05:21 - United States

Today, it's my sixteenth birthday. The only gift I got was from myself: a positive pregnancy test. FML

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By ireallylikecats - 22/4/2015 13:31 - United States

Today, I saw a lady with a stroller in the park. She stopped at the water fountain and got a drink, then left without her baby. I ran to the stroller and started rolling it after her. Two grown men attacked me, accusing me of trying to steal said baby. Turns out it was a baby doll. FML

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By lxygrl - 20/7/2019 13:07 - United States - Phenix City

Today, I was told I have kidney stones, kidney infections, and a bladder infection and that I have to get admitted into the hospital. I let my boss know, and she replied, "But you're still coming in for your shift tonight, right?" FML

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By Vicky - 26/12/2009 20:47 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend went to kiss me as we were walking home. It was very icy and he slipped. His teeth went through my lip. FML

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By Dirtbikesnowboard - 9/11/2016 19:00 - United States - Cedar City

Today, my best friend got jealous that his dog likes me more. He told me I have to spank it whenever it cuddles with me so it will love him more. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2009 20:15 - Canada

Today, I was getting ready for my first date with a boy I really like when my dad insisted on meeting him. My dad is super protective and a cop. He cleaned his gun in front of my date and made it clear he had to be careful with me. My date started to cry when we got to the car. FML

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By Noname - 20/2/2009 05:17 - United States

Today, they were handing out free razors in the mall. I went up to get my free sample, but the woman just smiled and said, "Sorry honey, they're sharp, and not for children." I'm 25. FML

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By Dkim620 - 7/1/2013 03:16 - United States

Today, I was running on the treadmill at my local gym when I saw a girl I like a lot. I called out to her to say hi. As she was coming over, I accidentally stepped on the belt with one foot, crashed down on the treadmill, and continued to slide down in front of her, emerging with a gashed knee and arm. FML

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By soundbox - 27/1/2009 00:21 - United States

Today, I was watching 'Tool Academy' with my girlfriend. When asked which Tool I would be, I replied with Power Tool. She then stated I would be 'Tiny Tool'. I'm 240 pounds. I don't know if she was calling me fat, or saying I have a small penis. My best guess would be both. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2013 16:01 - United States

Today, my ex-wife, whom I divorced just 8 months ago, asked me to attend her wedding, because "it would mean a lot" to her. She's marrying the man she cheated on me with. FML

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By laststand11 - 28/3/2012 22:49 - United States - Lexington

Today, I had to explain to my 15-year-old son why it wouldn't be a good idea to include a picture of the red Power Ranger in his "Weapons throughout history" project. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/5/2013 04:20 - United States - Murfreesboro

Today, I had to set parental controls on my iPad so my dad couldn't watch dirty videos on Youtube. FML

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By fashionista1787 - 12/9/2011 03:23 - United States

Today, I had a creepy old guy with awful body odor in my salon. As I was washing his hair, he brought up how he wants to start a garden, and how a woman's monthly flow weirdly helps to make it grow. Then he asked me if I can save up my used tampons for him. FML

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By momolee - 7/7/2012 19:13 - Saudi Arabia - Riyadh

Today, a woman asked why my daughter doesn't look remotely like me. I just smiled and shrugged it off, but the truth is that she looks exactly like I did before I got my botched plastic surgery. FML

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By anonymous - 19/7/2014 04:43 - United States - Cape Coral

Today, the guy I've been seeing for a year and a half ended it. Why? He found another girl. "She's just like you." FML

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By notsomuchinlove - 7/8/2009 08:55 - United States

Today, I had a seizure at my boyfriend's. The second I began to seize, he cursed and picked me up, dropping me on the floor complaining "Now I have to clean the damn couch." I had urinated because I had no control over my body. The couch is still stained. He dumped me for ruining his furniture. FML

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By roadbikemama - 25/10/2009 18:42 - United States

Today, I was cooking. I leaned over the stove to preheat the oven, and burned my nipple on a pot of boiling water. I also have a teething son who is breastfeeding. FML

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By minder97 - 17/10/2011 04:04 - Canada

Today, my sister had a friend for a sleepover. They filmed a video in which the friend was lying in my bed, singing. An hour after the girl went home, her parents called. She has lice, and had brought them to our house unknowingly. I can see each and every individual larva on my pillow. FML

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By Nazi-chef - 24/2/2017 04:00 - United States - Tucson

No mash for you!

Today, I was making mashed potatoes in a hurry, I had the pot boiling on high when I had to rush to the bathroom. As I'm walking away, I ask my boyfriend to watch the potatoes. When I returned, they were no longer boiling and he proudly announced he added cold water because they looked a little dry. What? FML

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By Anonymous - 12/6/2014 05:02 - United States - Kansas City

Today, my husband reorganized our fridge for the World Cup. He cleared everything out and filled it with beer and chips. FML

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By DuChaillu - 27/1/2010 07:35 - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided to perform a strip tease for me. As he was stripping out of his clothes, he took his shirt and then pants off first. He was wearing zebra striped knee high socks and underwear. I burst out laughing. He left. FML

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By anonymous - 3/1/2017 01:03 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I managed to spill piping hot oil all over my kitchen floor, thinking it was too hot to clean right then and there I left it for a few hours to cool. I forgot about it, and slipped over in it bashing my head into my cupboard handle, FML

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By anamanaguchi - 31/3/2018 01:30

Today, a 6th grader came up to me and told me I have the smallest breasts in the class. I'm their teacher. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2012 18:10 - United States - Gerber

Today, my boss told me to cut my long hair. After coming back to work with a clean cut hairstyle, he apparently thought I was the new guy, and said I was going to be trained by "The long-haired girly-looking idiot." FML

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By Lois - 9/2/2013 12:00 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, I found out my mother has enough toys to open a sex shop. FML

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By chipmunk - 29/10/2009 05:20 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of seven years dumped me because he said my cheeks getting way too fat for his taste and he didn't want to be with a chipmunk. FML

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By Sad preggo - 24/1/2017 14:00

Today, my attention-seeking sister-in-law came to my 20 week ultrasound and afterward, without my knowledge, took it upon herself to announce the gender to Facebook and call the entire family, telling them "we're having a boy" nullifying any need for the announcement I had spent 4 weeks planning. FML

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Top comments

By DonULFonso | 22

#6626460 - Sunday 12 June 2016 15:19

Do some Google searches on "how to kill boyfriend", "murder laws", and "best poisons hard to detect"... and be nice to your boyfriend: surprise him with a cake, offer him coffee, cook him something nice...

By Cbnotme | 20

#6626454 - Sunday 12 June 2016 15:15

Ummmmm.... Confront him about it, because that's fucked up!

Comments

By Cbnotme | 20

#6626454 - Sunday 12 June 2016 15:15

Ummmmm.... Confront him about it, because that's fucked up!

By FML_HelloItsMe | 15

#6626455 - Sunday 12 June 2016 15:16

FYL op.Ask him,"How did my cat die?" 2-3 times a day.This shall make him guilty enough to tell you the truth.Ask him the reason too.

By organizse | 28

#6626456 - Sunday 12 June 2016 15:17

Yeah... Time to call the police.

By paris_ava | 24

#6626457 - Sunday 12 June 2016 15:18

Consider therapy, that ain't normal

By The_Avatar | 22

#6626459 - Sunday 12 June 2016 15:18

Cat murderer!!!!!!

By DonULFonso | 22

#6626460 - Sunday 12 June 2016 15:19

Oh_No_Not_Him | 25

#6627317 - Monday 13 June 2016 16:13

Better still, do some Google searches on "how to kill boyfriend", "murder laws", and "best poisons hard to detect"... and wait for a SWAT team to come swinging in through your windows!

Jacqueline G Mackay | 10

#7472318 - Sunday 18 June 2017 4:33

bad idea, he could "Gone girl" her ???

By Le_ponderer | 14

#6626468 - Sunday 12 June 2016 15:25

Flee OP. Just move to Sri Lanka. You are currently with a loon.

pradip | 26

#6626699 - Sunday 12 June 2016 19:43

Why Sri Lanka?
It's a fucked up country in itself

By EnvyShadow | 3

#6626469 - Sunday 12 June 2016 15:25

The original of this that was in the moderation section had no mention that her cat actually died, it said 'I borrowed his phone to Google something because mine was dead.'

By Jiratias | 36

#6626475 - Sunday 12 June 2016 15:29

What a fantastic douchebag. He obviously does not respect you and your feelings enough to be your boyfriend... and your cat really did not deserve that

By KyleRen | 13

#6626476 - Sunday 12 June 2016 15:33

This is either a murder or a really bad prank