Animals: Today, a few weeks after moving in with my boyfriend, I borrowed...

By Kitty Lover - United States - Houston

Today, a few weeks after moving in with my boyfriend, I borrowed his phone to Google something because mine was dead. His most recent searches? "How kill cat", "Kill cat laws", "Cat + poison". I thought he was ok with my cat when I moved in. FML

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14451

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Animals

The smell detective is on the case

Don't you know that you're toxic?

Delayed proposal

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Swindon

Arse!

Today, I was watching TV with my grandma. She was looking for the remote, blindly trying to put her hand into the sofa. Instead, she shoved her hand down the back of my pants. FML

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1450

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By Anonymous - 10/4/2021 23:00

Signs

Today, it's been a year since I moved 200 km across the country to be closer to my boyfriend of 5 years and his kids. I got the keys to my flat and 3 days later the pandemic was a fact. Shouldn’t have ignored that sign. I’m single now. FML

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734

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By Dalistair - United States - High Point

Today, my aunt drove to my house and screamed at me for skateboarding in her driveway and denting her car. She then ransacked my room for said skateboard so she could break it in half. My aunt lives 4 hours away. I don't own a skateboard. FML

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By momac86 - United States

Today, I lost a sewing needle in the carpet. No worries, my big toe found it. FML

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34097

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By jessica - United States

Today, while my boyfriend and I were having sex, he stopped, got off, walked into the kitchen grabbed a doughnut, and came back to finish while he ate it. FML

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39217

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By love you too mommy - United States - Brentwood

Today, my mom walked into my room to talk to me. I was surprised because we don't talk much. I was left with a smile on my face after she left, until I realized she'd stolen all the candy on my desk while I wasn't looking. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I walked into my elderly grandmother's trailer, used the bathroom and went to wash my hands. She had a soft spot in the floor that she covered with a bathmat. I fell through. Right leg up to my hip in the floor, boobs stuck on the counter. My husband and grandmother stood there laughing. FML

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28812

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I tried baking my own bread to save food money. Unfortunately I screwed it up, prompting my wife to look at me pityingly and say "Wow, can't get even bread to rise." before walking out. I have erectile dysfunction, and she constantly insults me like this. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46659

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By socialix - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I poured my heart out to my girlfriend with a serenade. After I finished, she told me she'd come over to tell me she'd found someone else and wanted to break up. FML

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33617

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By Maxx - United States

Today, I was so bored at work that I put a zip tie on my finger just for the excitement of trying to get it off. FML

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By XxEmoWolfiexX - United States - Indianapolis

Today, my cat woke me up, but not by kneading on me though. Instead, she woke me up by pouncing on the laser pointer my dad was shining on my face. FML

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24796

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By thecaptainmorgan - United States - Tulsa

Today, my boss discovered that I'm prone to random fainting, due to hypoglycemia. He has now nicknamed me "fainting goat" and makes relentless bleating noises every time he sees me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35114

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By jalapenos99 - United States

Today, I was playing in a basketball game and blocked this kid's shot. I was really pumped up about it until I realized the kid had cerebral palsy and the coach put him on the team because he really wanted to be on at least one team in his life. FML

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33533

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By amelie

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me. While getting down on one knee, he farted. FML

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2662

You deserved it

684

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By maisie

Today, while at a family gathering, I sat down in a chair and it broke. Embarrassed, I picked myself up and sat down in another chair. That one broke too. I'm now the "fat girl" of the family despite weighing 90 pounds. FML

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2930

You deserved it

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By Disappointed - 4/9/2020 20:08 - Austria

Quickie

Today, my 6-minute-long-shower lasted 3 times as long as the sex prior to it. Including foreplay. FML

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1354

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By HomelessGirl1 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, while volunteering at a local homeless shelter, I asked the woman next to me how long she'd been homeless. She works there. FML

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23710

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By SailorVenus93 - 26/2/2021 02:01 - United States - Fredericksburg

No pain, no gain

Today, I woke up with a sore clitoris. I haven't had sex with my boyfriend for weeks, but I did masturbate yesterday. I guess I can't get horny without feeling pain afterwards. FML

I agree, your life sucks

703

You deserved it

165

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up to fresh coffee, pancakes, and the sight of my dad digging a grave in the backyard for my dog. FML

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24104

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By lonelynessinCA - United States

Today, I was so lonely that I pretended I wanted to buy something from a telemarketer so that they would keep talking to me. FML

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37951

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend looked so unhappy in a photo we took that I downloaded an editing app, and edited the photo to make it look like he was smiling before posting it. FML

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1131

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By got to be kidding me - United States - Cape Coral

Today, my eight-year-old daughter refused to use the port-a-potty at the fair. She preferred to piss her pants. FML

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1926

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By DDRFreak - Canada - Kitchener

Today, I was playing Dance Dance Revolution in an arcade when a woman came up and asked me if playing it was my job. I laughed but then realized that it is actually the closest thing I have to a job. FML

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26581

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By sheryl_m - United States

Today, I came home expecting a surprise party. It was my birthday and I had overheard my friends planning it all week. Nobody was there. It turns out the party they were planning was for my friend's dog's birthday. FML

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68036

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By Lord Buttfuck IV - France

Today, my mum took away my laptop and my phone and won't let me call, text, or go out with friends for one month. Why? I left the toilet seat up. I'm writing this from a public library. FML

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By ShelbyIsAwesome - 4/3/2021 17:01

Who are these people ?

Today, my boyfriend informed me that he hasn't showered in over a week because he "doesn't like to be wet." FML

I agree, your life sucks

787

You deserved it

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By Incompetent - Pakistan - Lahore

Today, my boss admitted that he seriously regrets hiring me, but can't really do anything about it because that would make the senior management question his judgment, making him look bad. So he's just 'putting up' with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13708

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By greek_dancer - United States

Today, I went to the mall and had to parallel park. It took me 10 to 12 minutes of maneuvering before I got into the slot. When I turned off the car and got out, there were 8 people laughing hysterically and clapping for me. FML

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25752

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By Username

Today, a woman laughed after hearing my voice for the first time. This happens whenever I meet someone new, without fail. FML

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33928

You deserved it

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By Dr. Virgin - United States

Today, while working on a medical school application, I asked my mom what she thought my greatest challenge in life had been. She replied : "Trying to lose your virginity." FML

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78897

You deserved it

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By Whoishe? - 2/6/2021 06:00

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

Today, I realized my husband is a completely different person than when we married. It’s only been three and a half years since we eloped. FML

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718

You deserved it

142

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I saw a woman run down my street screaming, "Fuck you cops! I can drive under the influence if I want to!" It took me a second to realize it was my mother. FML

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50255

You deserved it

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By damnit - Australia

Today, I got my first tattoo. It's a large broadsword which runs the length of my spine. I went home to show it off and learned that the hilt on my neck looks just like a penis when the rest of it is covered with my shirt. FML

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You deserved it

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By AntiAxe

Today, there are rumors flying around my office that I hooked up with the guy who picks his nose and leaves boogers under tables. I didn't. Last night I took a shower at my boyfriend's place, who happens to use the exact same body wash and shampoo as the office outcast. FML

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28081

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - Canada - Niagara Falls

Today, I just got my windshield fixed due to a rock hitting it off the highway. Just one hour later on my way home, a large stick flew off the back of a landscaping truck. My windshield is cracked again. FML.

I agree, your life sucks

14947

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I found a letter in the postbox at my new flat which ran something along these lines of: "Hi. We're the gas company. You owe us £1,229.79 and have 7 days to pay us. Lotsa love, dated 7th September." FML

I agree, your life sucks

33732

You deserved it

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By sh3n-D - Denmark - Herning

Today, I was having a debate with my friend, who actually believes karma is real. He got very angry with me and stormed off, tripping over his own feet in the process. I laughed and asked what he'd done in a past life to deserve that one. He responded by getting up and punching me. FML

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11608

You deserved it

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By oneillrox - United States

Today, I took my cat to the vet for an x-ray. They found three dollar coins in his stomach. The surgery to remove them is $600. FML

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32762

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By VHBJ - United States - Charlotte

Pranked

Today, I went out to eat. When I walked into the restaurant, a lady approached me and said she'd seat me soon. After a long wait, I saw that same lady leave. Then I realized she didn't actually work there and was just screwing with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31739

You deserved it

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By dca101 - United States

Today, my girlfriend left me because our "political views don't match" when I told her we needed to share house chores now that we live together. I know, I'm lost too. FML

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36423

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Top comments

By DonULFonso | 22

#6626460 - Sunday 12 June 2016 15:19

Do some Google searches on "how to kill boyfriend", "murder laws", and "best poisons hard to detect"... and be nice to your boyfriend: surprise him with a cake, offer him coffee, cook him something nice...

By Cbnotme | 20

#6626454 - Sunday 12 June 2016 15:15

Ummmmm.... Confront him about it, because that's fucked up!

COMMENTS

By Cbnotme | 20

#6626454 - Sunday 12 June 2016 15:15

Ummmmm.... Confront him about it, because that's fucked up!

By FML_HelloItsMe | 15

#6626455 - Sunday 12 June 2016 15:16

FYL op.Ask him,"How did my cat die?" 2-3 times a day.This shall make him guilty enough to tell you the truth.Ask him the reason too.

By organizse | 28

#6626456 - Sunday 12 June 2016 15:17

Yeah... Time to call the police.

By paris_ava | 24

#6626457 - Sunday 12 June 2016 15:18

Consider therapy, that ain't normal

By The_Avatar | 22

#6626459 - Sunday 12 June 2016 15:18

Cat murderer!!!!!!

By DonULFonso | 22

#6626460 - Sunday 12 June 2016 15:19

Oh_No_Not_Him | 25

#6627317 - Monday 13 June 2016 16:13

Better still, do some Google searches on "how to kill boyfriend", "murder laws", and "best poisons hard to detect"... and wait for a SWAT team to come swinging in through your windows!

Jacqueline G Mackay | 10

#7472318 - Sunday 18 June 2017 4:33

bad idea, he could "Gone girl" her ???

By Le_ponderer | 14

#6626468 - Sunday 12 June 2016 15:25

Flee OP. Just move to Sri Lanka. You are currently with a loon.

pradip | 26

#6626699 - Sunday 12 June 2016 19:43

Why Sri Lanka?
It's a fucked up country in itself

By EnvyShadow | 3

#6626469 - Sunday 12 June 2016 15:25

The original of this that was in the moderation section had no mention that her cat actually died, it said 'I borrowed his phone to Google something because mine was dead.'

By Jiratias | 36

#6626475 - Sunday 12 June 2016 15:29

What a fantastic douchebag. He obviously does not respect you and your feelings enough to be your boyfriend... and your cat really did not deserve that

By KyleRen | 13

#6626476 - Sunday 12 June 2016 15:33

This is either a murder or a really bad prank