Today, a few weeks after moving in with my boyfriend, I borrowed...

By Kitty Lover - 11/6/2016 19:04 - United States - Houston

Today, a few weeks after moving in with my boyfriend, I borrowed his phone to Google something because mine was dead. His most recent searches? "How kill cat", "Kill cat laws", "Cat + poison". I thought he was ok with my cat when I moved in. FML

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Animals

A beautiful truck decoration

TMI

Bad news

By loldick - 15/11/2009 18:28 - United States

Today, while my girlfriend was going down on me, she looked up at me and said, in a high-pitched voice, "Yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy!" FML

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By Anonymous - 14/10/2019 12:00

Drunk hookup ends with a… bang

Today, I woke myself up by farting in my sleep, only to realize that the guy I'd brought home from the bar was still next to me. He was awake. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/5/2010 15:54 - United States

Today, I found out there is such a thing as eyebrow dandruff, and that I have it. FML

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By shocked - 25/8/2011 18:10 - United States

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be a good idea to help me get over the fear of my upcoming rectal exam by surprising me with one of her own halfway through our lovemaking. FML

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By marisacb - 13/3/2013 18:52 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my best friend. Depressed, I started telling her about my terrible week. A woman came over and asked me to not be so "whiny and negative" in front of her children. FML

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By - 18/1/2017 10:00

Today, I shaved my lady bits for the first time to surprise my husband, whom I haven't seen in months due to deployment. I ended up with razor burn and my dim-witted husband believes I cheated on him and that it's an STD. Nothing will tell him otherwise. FML

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By Wounded_irony - 5/12/2017 05:00

Today, I was wearing flip flops whilst putting out the trash, and was careful not to step near the broken glass surrounding the trash cans. My mother ran up to me hysterically warning me about the glass, which startled me and caused me to step on a shard, slicing my foot open. FML

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By YoshiSqu4d - 3/7/2019 14:01

Today, someone tripped the fire alarm at the hotel I'm currently staying at while I was taking a shit. FML

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By mairelys - 26/1/2010 06:56 - Canada

Today, I tried talking to my boyfriend about our sex life. I was trying to express that I feel like we don't do it enough, but he wasn't very responsive. I ended up saying, "I wish you had a bigger sex drive" to which he answered, "I wish you had bigger boobs." FML

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By Anonymous - 6/1/2010 18:19 - United States

Today, I found out my dad spent most of the $500 I earned from mowing lawns on an Xbox 360 for himself. He was the one who encouraged me to put the money in the bank for college and to learn responsibility. I'm 14 years old. He's 37. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2017 02:00

Today, I caught my 29-year-old brother-in-law scratching his poison ivy with a handful of forks before putting them back in the drawer. I called him on it and he huffed, "You've never said anything before." FML

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By Thay - 1/9/2016 22:28 - United States

Today, I logged onto Tinder to see if I had any messages. I had one: "Get off Tinder." FML

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By Mightytall - 11/9/2019 00:01

It's the Final Countdown

Today, I had a very long wait at the doctor's. The three plastic plants in the waiting area have 163 leaves each, the patient information poster on the wall has 127 words, the longest word has 19 letters. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2013 07:35 - United States - Norfolk

Today, I was laid off from my job as a manager. After cleaning out my office, I began clearing my computer. I received an email from HR announcing a job position that opened up. Too bad it was for my job. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2019 00:03

Today, I left the apartment door open so the construction workers sent by our landlord could work in the kitchen, while I slept in after working a late shift. They knocked on the bedroom door at 7 a.m., asking me to move the bed. FML

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By I hate retail - 27/11/2015 02:26 - Australia - Kensington

Today, I had to carry a 25kg bag of cement to an elderly customer's car because she refused to use a cart. "You're paid to work, so I'm gonna make you work." FML

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By handi-crap - 5/1/2010 17:28 - United States

Today, I had a promo code for a free Redbox movie. Since I knew exactly which movie I wanted, I parked in a handicapped space because it was super close and I was cold. I didn't think anyone would notice, but apparently the cop that parked beside my car did. My free movie cost me $100. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2013 21:41 - United States - Romulus

Today, my psycho ex-girlfriend, who's already made two threats against my life, informed me that she now has a concealed carry permit. FML

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By James - 26/8/2011 18:29 - Canada

Today, I got into a heated argument with my mom, because apparently I'm an idiot for not sharing her belief that chickens are mammals. She has a university degree in this stuff. FML

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By itsover - 11/12/2010 05:05 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me via facebook. I don't even have a facebook. My friends had to tell me. FML

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By pvtcab - 5/10/2011 18:52 - United States

Today, my roommate and I had to pay our first installment of rent. He's nowhere to be found. FML

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By schooyou101 - 4/12/2012 00:53 - United States - Prairie Village

Today, my crazy psychopath of a neighbor sent me an email with the subject, "So, about your sex life." I've been sitting here for 20 minutes staring at it because I'm too scared to open it. FML

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By mintypoison - 14/11/2011 04:46 - United States

Today, and all day, I was forced to listen to one of the kids in my apartment building play their recorder loudly and horribly. She started over whenever she missed a note. I was sick, was getting a migraine from it, and couldn't ask her to stop without her mom yelling at me. FML

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By Toaster - 30/7/2009 15:11 - United States

Today, my 8 year old little sister said "f you" to my mom. My mom thought I told her to say that and grounded me for a month. Later, my sister came up to me and said "Gotcha, bitch." FML

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By whatafuckhead - 23/11/2015 01:14 - United States - San Francisco

Today, after my landlord commented on how rarely I drink milk, and I joked that I'm "probably going to die young" because of it. Then I immediately remembered that her 35-year-old husband died last year of a heart attack. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2009 09:21 - Canada

Today, my husband gave me an ultimatum - choose him or my male best friend. I chose my husband. My husband then admitted to me that he was hoping I would choose my best friend so he would have an excuse to leave me and wouldn't have to tell me he's been cheating on me. FML

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By Grandson - 1/1/2012 13:51 - Australia

Today, I received my first phone call of the new year. It was the police station informing me that my elderly grandmother has been arrested for indecent exposure. FML

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By ihatemyjob - 15/8/2016 19:12

Today, I worked from 8 to 7 without a break and I'm still not done with my assignment. Meanwhile, my co-worker crafted a piece of paper looking like a watermelon slice and posted a picture of herself seemingly taking a bite out of it. FML

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By fckmylife - 20/12/2016 19:47

Today, I found out that I'm being sued for posting on Facebook about a customer service experience with a local company. Even though we have witnesses, the owners of the store claim that we're lying about the whole thing and that we're "malicious". FML

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By snapped - 13/11/2009 04:19 - United States

Today, my 6 year old daughter asked me if the tooth fairy was real. I said yes, and she said she wanted to try to catch her. Later, she pulled out a tooth and put it under her pillow. I came in to take out the tooth and replace it with money. There were mouse traps behind her pillow. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/6/2009 07:24 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me telling me I have problems communicating and that I didn't understand her. When I asked her why she didn't talk to me about this before she said "I didn't want to talk about it." FML

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By ewewew - 24/9/2009 22:10 - United States

Today, during our championship field hockey game, my mouthguard fell into a mass of geese poop. The referee made me put it back in my mouth. FML

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By Krit - 10/2/2010 15:10 - United States

Today, my drunk mother got into a fight with the lady at Krystal burger. Why? "Because the bitch said they aren't making special orders." FML

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By BrokeAndSad - 30/3/2015 01:09 - United States - Columbus

Today, I lost hundreds of dollars in gift cards. Robbed? No. Mugged? Don't think so. My roommate threw them away after he got water on them, thinking that it rendered them unusable. FML

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By talhabilal - 11/3/2010 14:28 - Pakistan

Today, I found out that my entire family thinks I have no friends, am expressionless (to quote, "a robot") and that my monotonous voice hints at the suppressed depression hidden deep inside me. According to them, I need psychic evaluation. It all came out at a family reunion. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/2/2013 22:33 - United Kingdom - Newtownards

Today, I fell down a flight of stairs at college. I was taken to hospital with a fractured ankle and had to call my parents to drive me home. They constantly made passive-aggressive remarks on the way home, because I'd "totally ruined" their plans to eat out at a fancy restaurant tonight. FML

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By stachattack - 23/12/2017 15:00

Today, I reassured everyone at work that the mark on my lip was just a pimple, not a cold sore. It's actually neither. I, a 21-year-old young woman, slipped while shaving my moustache and sliced off part of my lip. FML

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By uninvited - 4/2/2016 15:16 - United States - Boston

Today, my parents called me to ask if I could drop my dog off to them on Sunday. They're having a Superbowl party and want to show her off to their guests. My dog is invited, but I'm not. FML

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By confusedbagel - 27/6/2013 06:22 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my boss fired me for being "too morally ambiguous". I work at a bagel shop and had told a customer that I was indifferent towards cream cheese. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/8/2019 06:00 - United States - Chattanooga

Backwards ass logic

Today, my boyfriend told me that it's "disgusting" to wash your "rear end" and that he has never, and will never, do it. FML

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Top comments

By DonULFonso | 22

#6626460 - Sunday 12 June 2016 15:19

Do some Google searches on "how to kill boyfriend", "murder laws", and "best poisons hard to detect"... and be nice to your boyfriend: surprise him with a cake, offer him coffee, cook him something nice...

By Cbnotme | 20

#6626454 - Sunday 12 June 2016 15:15

Ummmmm.... Confront him about it, because that's fucked up!

COMMENTS

By Cbnotme | 20

#6626454 - Sunday 12 June 2016 15:15

Ummmmm.... Confront him about it, because that's fucked up!

By FML_HelloItsMe | 15

#6626455 - Sunday 12 June 2016 15:16

FYL op.Ask him,"How did my cat die?" 2-3 times a day.This shall make him guilty enough to tell you the truth.Ask him the reason too.

By organizse | 28

#6626456 - Sunday 12 June 2016 15:17

Yeah... Time to call the police.

By paris_ava | 24

#6626457 - Sunday 12 June 2016 15:18

Consider therapy, that ain't normal

By The_Avatar | 22

#6626459 - Sunday 12 June 2016 15:18

Cat murderer!!!!!!

By DonULFonso | 22

#6626460 - Sunday 12 June 2016 15:19

Oh_No_Not_Him | 25

#6627317 - Monday 13 June 2016 16:13

Better still, do some Google searches on "how to kill boyfriend", "murder laws", and "best poisons hard to detect"... and wait for a SWAT team to come swinging in through your windows!

Jacqueline G Mackay | 10

#7472318 - Sunday 18 June 2017 4:33

bad idea, he could "Gone girl" her ???

By Le_ponderer | 14

#6626468 - Sunday 12 June 2016 15:25

Flee OP. Just move to Sri Lanka. You are currently with a loon.

pradip | 26

#6626699 - Sunday 12 June 2016 19:43

Why Sri Lanka?
It's a fucked up country in itself

By EnvyShadow | 3

#6626469 - Sunday 12 June 2016 15:25

The original of this that was in the moderation section had no mention that her cat actually died, it said 'I borrowed his phone to Google something because mine was dead.'

By Jiratias | 36

#6626475 - Sunday 12 June 2016 15:29

What a fantastic douchebag. He obviously does not respect you and your feelings enough to be your boyfriend... and your cat really did not deserve that

By KyleRen | 13

#6626476 - Sunday 12 June 2016 15:33

This is either a murder or a really bad prank