Today, I woke up early to weird scratching and smacking noises....

By Anonymous - 5/6/2017 22:00

Today, I woke up early to weird scratching and smacking noises. After gathering enough courage to check what it was, I found out it was just an ant stuck on a piece of paper. FML

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Miscellaneous

Dad jokes, part 43884

Vultures

Live dumping

By Emily - 3/1/2013 06:42 - United States - Arlington

Today, my boyfriend of four years broke up with me by writing on my bathroom mirror in Sharpie. What did he write? "Hi, I'm Emily. I'm fat, ugly, and now single." FML

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By leftoutdrunk - 5/5/2012 18:12 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I volunteered to be my brother's designated driver. I told him throughout the night that I wasn't drinking, but he ended up leaving me at the bar and going to his friend's house in a cab for more drinks, taking my keys along with him. FML

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By anon - 7/2/2017 01:00 - United Kingdom - Ely

Today, when I went over a bump, I was assaulted by a badly-fitted bicycle seat. I've been walking like John Wayne all afternoon. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2019 00:01

Desks are so judgmental these days!

Today, I was promptly told to lose weight today by my computer desk when it broke under the weight of my leg. FML

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By turnoff - 17/9/2009 04:42 - United States

Today, I tried to wake my husband up in the middle of the night by kissing him deeply and massaging his neck and shoulders. He opens his eyes, looks at me, says "No", and goes back to sleep. FML

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By RhuLynette - 31/8/2011 06:34 - United Kingdom

Today, I managed to get locked inside a caravan toilet. My relatives heard me having a panic attack and instead of unlocking the door, they called the neighbours over to enjoy my anguish and embarrassment. FML

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By Lovergirl - 1/1/2010 20:23 - United States

Today, I was snuggled in bed with my husband. He thought because my butt was twitching that I was trying to be frisky. So he slapped my ass hard in attempt to get something going. I was actually trying to hold in a huge fart because last night I had diarrhea. Apparently I still have it. FML

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By StillHurt - 19/1/2010 06:44 - United States

Today, I started my job as a consultant at a shop that sells wedding dresses. My first client? The girl my ex-fiancé cheated on me with and left me for. FML

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By anonymous - 1/3/2013 15:52 - United States - La Grande

Today, I filled out an application for a job at Dairy Queen. I handed my application to the manager along with my résumé, and he said he'd be in contact with me. Not even five minutes after I left, a friend who works there sent me a picture of my crumpled-up application in the trash. FML

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By Shoryugeki III - 7/8/2018 14:30

Today, on my way to work, I came across a road accident. I approached the victims and administered first aid, but when the paramedics arrived, they told the cops to take the "cosplayer" away. I'm the E.R. doctor of the nearby hospital. I later had to work with these S.O.B.s. FML

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By itsnotyouitsme - 20/4/2016 18:54 - United States - San Francisco

Today, after breaking up with my boyfriend of 2 years, I was backing out of his driveway when he came running out yelling "STOP!" I thought he wanted to make up so I kept going, until I'd run over his dog. FML

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By i tried so hard - 8/1/2016 15:54 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I tried really hard for once on an assignment. I was told it was my worst work yet and that I may as well have turned nothing in at all. FML

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By Fml - 22/4/2018 15:00

Today, a co-worker called in sick due to a family emergency. I ended up working an unplanned 12-hour overnight shift. After I clocked out, I dragged myself out to the parking lot to go home. Someone had smeared tacos all over my car. FML

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By Moosh - 1/1/2010 11:12 - Australia

Today, my stepdad did a crap in the shape of the number 2, took a picture of it and showed it to all my friends at my party, while we were eating. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2012 05:05 - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend is a Mormon, when his mother greeted me saying how happy she was her son had found himself a Mormon girlfriend. I know nothing about Mormonism, except from what I've seen on South Park, and I'm an atheist. FML

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By - 6/2/2019 02:00

Today, I found out that the man I've wanted to be with for the last year and a half also wants to be with me. Two weeks ago, I got a promotion! I'm also legally no longer allowed to date him. FML

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By mando - 6/10/2011 15:14 - Australia

Today, at work, I refused a customer a refund because there was nothing wrong with the item, and she didn't have the packaging. I then watched as she and her son rummaged through a public bin for the packaging. When I refused her again, she called me a "fucking idiot". FML

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By awkwardturtle - 25/1/2013 05:31 - Canada - London

Today, I went to buy a birthday present for my boyfriend. While buying him a sweater, the cashier tried to up-sale me by asking if my boyfriend wore briefs or boxers, because both were on sale. Not thinking, I blurted out, "I don't know, they just come off." FML

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By Anonymous - 20/3/2013 16:08 - United States - Arlington

Today, I realized that the smell of chlorine has started to turn me on, probably because my girlfriend has an indoor pool in her house. Guess who works as a swim instructor. FML

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By plzdontclapme - 1/7/2012 23:03

Today, I tripped on the way back from collecting a prize in front of 600 students and their parents. I got more applause than I did when collecting the prize. FML

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By socknotes - 9/3/2016 04:02 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, a shifty customer came in to my store and was hanging around for about 30 minutes. Apparently, he took that time to put religiously-motivated anti-abortion notes into each and every pair of socks. In the following hours, I had 17 angry returns and was personally threatened twice. FML

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By phukt - 19/5/2010 18:42 - United States

Today, after racing home with a jumbo package of toilet paper, I ran into my house to go to the bathroom. I then realized I'd left the toilet paper in the car. FML

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By damnbananas - 24/1/2011 20:38 - United States

Today, while at school, I slipped on a wet patch in the hall and fell over, smacking my head against the floor. I laid there for a good five minutes in agonizing pain while people literally walked over me. Not a single person bothered to help me up or ask if I was okay. FML

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By jess - 24/12/2018 04:00

Today, I decided to go home and apologise to my husband for accusing him of having an affair. I came home to find him having sex with my mother. FML.

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By epicfail - 2/8/2009 08:39 - United States

Today, I went to a local concert. The singer from my favorite band stage-dived and I got to catch him. Unfortunately I was the only one to catch him. The next thing I know I'm pinned between him and the concrete floor as he finishes whatever part of the song he was on. He was fine, I hit my head. FML

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By Blue - 19/11/2008 11:02 - France

Today, I bought myself an MP3 player. Later, I was laying in bed, listening to music and eating a bowl of cereal, when I went to move the bowl of cereal on the bedside table for some shut eye. I dropped my MP3 player into the leftover milk. FML

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By embarrassed - 21/12/2009 00:26 - United Kingdom

Today, I texted my Dad to tell him I'm staying at my boyfriend's house and won't be home. Since I had predictive text on, my phone didn't quite get the word 'home' - the message I sent said, 'I'm staying at Will's, I'll not be good tonight.' FML

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By shitty candles - 1/12/2014 07:30 - United States - Issaquah

Today, I dug out the 5 fancy, extremely expensive candles I bought during Black Friday. I lit one up, and was delighted that it smelled so great. My mother then walked into my room and stated that it smelled "like shit". The other four were going to be a Christmas gift for her. FML

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By ish0rty - 14/11/2011 08:42 - United States

Today, my social-awkwardness is so bad, I was actually proud of myself for managing to ask someone a question. FML

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By kherien - 12/8/2012 17:31 - United States

Today, I realized that if I died tomorrow, the only photos available for my funeral would be crappy family Christmas portraits, acne-filled yearbook photos, and several pictures from my MySpace days, where I'm sporting coontails and looking paler than Edward Cullen's ass. FML

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By Gahh... - 3/12/2012 05:18 - Canada - Surrey

Today, I had to show my husband a video on how to brush your teeth. FML

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By 3sacrowd - 17/11/2009 03:46 - Canada

Today, while I was in the middle of making love with my boyfriend, I mentioned bringing another lady in the picture to spice it up. He looked at me and said "let's ask your sister." He then got dressed and called her. FML

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By Fenny - 27/2/2009 08:57 - United States

Today, I was in my room and I drew a Harry Potter lightning bolt on my forehead in eyeliner because it cheers me up. Then some friends came over, so we went out to get yogurt, and when I got back I realized the lightning bolt was still there. I'm in college. FML

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By lopsided - 14/12/2014 07:56 - United States - Gainesville

Today, I was informed that my uneven facial features make me seem "untrustworthy." Glad to know my unchangeable physical appearance doubles as a character flaw. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2011 07:41 - United States

Today, as I was driving to work, I witnessed a kid apparently getting jumped. Being a good citizen, I got out and started yelling at them. I ended up alongside the kid in the hospital. FML

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By ohgodwhy - 18/9/2011 21:16 - United States

Today, my school voted for a Pokémon theme for this year's homecoming. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/1/2012 05:17 - United States

Today, I'm so insecure that I was still slightly flattered when the demented old man at the nursing home where I work hit on me, because at least somebody finds me attractive. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2011 23:46 - United States

Today, I was helping first-graders do school work when one of them stabbed me in the face with a pencil, all because I told her that a three was backwards. FML

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By "bluebird97" - 28/12/2018 20:00

Today, my boyfriend called work because he is sick. Then he called me 4 times while I was working, to complain that I was working, and then he got mad when I told him I was sick and worked a double shift 2 days in a row, apparently that is insensitive of me. FML

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By Unknown - 15/12/2016 22:49 - Canada

Today, I turned off my boyfriends Xbox while he was playing because I wanted to talk to him about getting more serious with our relationship. As I did so, he said, "that's not the only thing you just turned off" and promptly broke up with me. FML

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Top comments

By cacheson | 40

#7465855 - Monday 5 June 2017 23:08

How big was the ant??

By Starlight8 | 14

#7465861 - Monday 5 June 2017 23:31

Prolly committed suicide, cuz he just found out all of his uncles are ants.

And how sharp is your hearing?

Comments

By cacheson | 40

#7465855 - Monday 5 June 2017 23:08

How big was the ant??

By Starlight8 | 14

#7465861 - Monday 5 June 2017 23:31

Prolly committed suicide, cuz he just found out all of his uncles are ants.

And how sharp is your hearing?

By CrazyTrainWreck | 19

#7465882 - Tuesday 6 June 2017 0:01

Random Fact: Zombie Ants are real.

Nina | 32

#7466640 - Wednesday 7 June 2017 14:24

Fact checked and confirmed. Worth looking up.

By Madrias | 36

#7465889 - Tuesday 6 June 2017 0:23

I understand that one very well. Been woken up by an ant crawling around on the empty plastic cup I had on the nightstand (saves making a trip out of the room just for a glass of water), thought it was a mouse until I turned on the light.

Ants right next to your head can be surprisingly loud.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7465910 - Tuesday 6 June 2017 1:08

Am I the only one who found this story *wait on it* ant-i-climactic?

By Arashikage | 18

#7465975 - Tuesday 6 June 2017 5:05

Either that ant is HUGE or you have superhuman hearing