Today, my girlfriend told me that she wants to marry me and have... - FML

By WtfDoIDo?!

Today, my girlfriend told me that she wants to marry me and have my children. I’m 15. We've been dating for 3 weeks. FML

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Sorry…

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

You just had to be special

By Anonymous - 29/9/2020 23:01

"I'm horny, horny horny horny"

Today, I got incredibly horny at work. No one was in the office, so I spread out on my yoga mat and started to masturbate. All of the sudden, I heard a forklift outside. I quickly tried to hide, but I think the construction worker caught me. He’ll be working here all month. FML

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By xo007 - United States

Today, as I stepped into the shower, I slipped and fell over the edge of the tub, pulling the shower curtain down with me. I called my roommate to help me up as I put on a towel over me. But before she could help me up, she grabbed her phone to take a picture. The picture became a mass text. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/3/2021 05:01 - Canada

That's… a crime?

Today, I finally told my boyfriend that I see a therapist every week because, amongst other things, I'm terrified of being locked in a room. He didn't believe me, so he locked me in the bathroom "for a laugh." I had a panic attack and passed out. FML

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By whatever - Canada - Calgary

Today, my long-distance boyfriend broke up with me. Tomorrow he should be getting the super long love letter that I poured my heart into and sent him a week ago. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was at a restaurant when I heard a young girl telling her father she didn't think she was pretty. When I got up to leave, I walked past her table and told her she was beautiful. Her dad then punched me in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, we were celebrating my birthday and my boyfriend thought it would be funny to shove my face in the cake. While the candles were still lit. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I woke up early and went to the dermatologist's, only to have them tell me that the skin condition I have that causes big, white spots to appear is chronic and I can do nothing about it. But they did give me cream for a different skin condition they found. FML

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By toothpastecat - Canada

Today, I was brushing my teeth. As a bent down to spit my mouthful of toothpaste into the sink, my cat decided it would be a good time to stick his head right where I was spitting. I spit a huge glob of toothpaste on his head. He then shook it off all over me and the walls. FML

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By robinhoood - United States

Today, I got T-boned by a woman going 60 mph. I was unconscious for hours while a tube was inserted into my collapsed lung. Upon waking up my 16-year old brother thought it would be hilarious to yank out my leg hairs. FML

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By benjamin03 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my mom continued her search for a special, super-healthy laundry detergent that she knows makes me break out in hives. FML

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By Blake Lawrence - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, my girlfriend decided it would be cute to leave a love letter in my car while I was at work. She left my lights on. I got a dead battery. FML

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By JimiHendrix - France - Luynes

Today, a wasp knocked me out, broke my glasses, and left a gash over my eyebrow. It did so by flying under my glasses while I was playing my guitar, causing me to reflexively bat at it with the hand that was still grasping the guitar neck. FML

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By Niles - Canada - North Vancouver

Today, I was taking a shower, when my dad decided to turn off the water to the house, run upstairs, and throw a bucket of freezing cold sludge into the shower with me. He wouldn't turn the water back on for 2 hours. FML

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By Deaf - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was sent to the principal's office because I refused to take my earbuds out. Those "earbuds" are my hearing aids. FML

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By furbys69 - United States - Kingsport

Today, my girlfriend and I were starting to get frisky when the Furby Party Rocker all the way across the room started going off on its own and completely killed the mood. I took the batteries out of the little bastard immediately, but the mood was lost. FML

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By Maiar - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, my husband confessed that when he's angry with me, he uses my makeup sponge to apply his hemorrhoid cream. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2020 17:00

Alexa, play 4'33" by John Cage

Today, I was the first to sign up to play the national anthem for my school, at one of my volleyball games. My teacher told me she would bring my sheet music. She didn’t. So I just sat there, awkwardly, not playing my cello. FML

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By fearofzombies - United States

Today, before I went to bed, I watched a terrifying movie with zombies. I woke up with a headache, a bloody nose, and my mom standing over me frantically asking me what was wrong. Apparently I had been "fighting the zombies off" in my sleep and had been punching myself in the face. FML

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By sleepwalker - United States

Today, I woke up in my roommate's bed. Apparently, the previous night I sleep-walked into her room, layed on her bed, and fell asleep. In the middle of her and her boyfriend having sex. He's now going around saying he slept with both of us. FML

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By some_girl_19 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. I was in the middle of an intense orgasm when we heard the panicky voice of his little sister saying there was an emergency downstairs. He jumped up and left to see what the matter was. The big emergency? The Wii remotes had dead batteries. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that me and my best friend are both pregnant. We live together, and both had one night stands with the same guy. Now we are going to be each raising his children in the same house while he has decided to "not get involved" and move to a different state. FML

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By publicenemy - United States

Today, I was first in line at a stoplight. After five minutes, with a line of cars behind me, the light was still red. People behind me started honking, so I decided to just go. Halfway across the way, I was greeted by a camera flash. Nobody else went. FML

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By insomnia - United States

Today, I was at work handling the cash register. It wasn't working correctly, so I apologized to the woman I was waiting on for the delay and explained, "The cash register's being a little retarded today." Then I noticed her clearly "special" adult son standing behind her. FML

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By Austin - United States

Today, I got a notice in the mail saying I had been fired from my job. My dad's the boss, who I happen to live with. FML

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By Devildrake - Australia

Today, I went into work early so I could get my work all done and leave on time, rather than staying back. The later shift starters had other ideas and called in sick. FML

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By Lord_Nick - Canada - Qu?bec

Today, while I was taking a shit, a guy went into the next stall and narrated what he was doing in song. I'm still traumatized by his lyrics. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, it's my 21st birthday. The only person who drank with me was my elementary school principal, who I happened to run into at a bar where we were the only two people there. FML

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By Quackadoodledoo - United Kingdom - Edgware

Today, I was on the London underground reading a newspaper. A huge guy was sitting next to me and there weren't many other people around. As I turned a page, he leaned into me, glaring, and said, "I'm not finished yet". At the next stop I put down the paper and jumped off. It wasn't even my stop. FML

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By -____- - United States - Seattle

Today, my husband yelled from upstairs, "Babe! BABE, COME QUICK!" Terrified that something might have happened to our newborn daughter, I rushed up, only to find out he just wanted to show me that he'd learned how to spin a top on the tip of his penis without it falling. FML

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By nybaby - United States

Today, a little girl pointed to the acne on my face and said to her dad, "Look at how many mosquito bites she has on her face!" FML

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By wtf - India

Today, it's my birthday. I've been dropping strong hints all year about wanting to learn to tap-dance, hoping for some decent tap shoes. Instead, I got a beekeepers outfit and some furry dice to hang on my wreck of a car's rear-view mirror. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/2/2021 21:30

Unexpected visitor

Today I went to a much-anticipated job interview. I've been out of work for a month and I really need and wanted this job. I then realized that yesterday's hike was not a good idea when a tick crawled across my forehead in the middle of the interview. FML

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By 3722145 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I showed my son the old trick of turning a calculator upside down and spelling "BOOBIES" on it in numbers. He laughed, then spent nearly 20 minutes trying to spell "COCKS", before giving up and hurling the calculator across the room. I wish my sperm had a warranty. FML

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By ihasnoafroanymore

Today, I was working at my job at a McDonald's. I was on my break, so I went to use the restroom. When I finished, I tried to open the door, but the lock broke. I was stuck in the basement bathroom for 20 minutes. FML

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By insanitycalling - Canada

Today, at my job as a produce clerk at a grocery store, I had an entire conversation with my coworker about how nice the new cabbage boxes are. This is all it takes to thrill me these days. FML

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By Anonymous

Ivory pissed, too

Today, it was my 14-year anniversary. I'd spent weeks picking out a new gold wedding band for my husband. What did he get me? Nothing. Not even a happy anniversary text. FML

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By sumhub94 - United States

Today, I was babysitting a 4-year-old, and we decided to play a game of hide and seek. Before he started to count, he looked me in the eyes and said that if I hid in his spot, he'd murder me with a knife when he grows up. I have to babysit this kid for the rest of the summer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chester

Today, I'm so broke after paying my bills, that I resorted to eating plain garlic butter from the pizzeria down the street for lunch. The worst part: to get the butter, I stormed in and angrily complained, saying they forgot to give it to me. I never even ordered a pizza. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I spent three hours painstakingly installing and configuring some parental control software on my 11-year-old son's laptop after I caught him watching porn. Barely an hour after returning the laptop, I caught him watching yet more porn on it. FML

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By JSF1234 - United States

Today, I was taking the AP Biology exam. It’s strictly timed, yet my proctor spent 30 minutes (a third of the time we have) talking about his sexual relationship with his wife, who was also proctoring. I don’t know how I did on the test, but I now know my proctor had erectile dysfunction. FML

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Top comments

By MaltWarrior | 32

#7817345 - Tuesday 2 July 2019 5:21

What do you mean what do you do? You run! Far far away.

By Dykorammaaa | 9

#7817356 - Tuesday 2 July 2019 5:43

Hide your condoms.

COMMENTS

By kirby1964 | 20

#7817338 - Tuesday 2 July 2019 4:01

Something you just know.

By MaltWarrior | 32

#7817345 - Tuesday 2 July 2019 5:21

What do you mean what do you do? You run! Far far away.

By Wadlaen | 21

#7817352 - Tuesday 2 July 2019 5:33

When you find mr. Right, you just gotta try to hold on to him, and not let yourself be limited by such things as age and time!

I wish you the best of luck!💕

Reply

EmDizzle2007 | 28

#7817579 - Tuesday 2 July 2019 20:45

your childhood was a strange one, wasn't it??

Reply

EmDizzle2007 | 28

#7817603 - Tuesday 2 July 2019 22:47

that's usually how that story goes.

By Dykorammaaa | 9

#7817356 - Tuesday 2 July 2019 5:43

Hide your condoms.

Reply

kfchicken_fml | 31

#7817548 - Tuesday 2 July 2019 18:28

hide? you don't even suck your dick in her.

Reply

Tterreb | 5

#7817610 - Tuesday 2 July 2019 23:11

Hiding the condoms sounds kind of counterproductive. Or pro-productive in this case...

By Nhayaa | 21

#7817359 - Tuesday 2 July 2019 5:53

🎶 Run, Joey run, Joey run! 🎶

By ambiko | 18

#7817365 - Tuesday 2 July 2019 7:30

Uh oh... dump her she sounds nuts 😐😩

By RichardPencil | 30

#7817371 - Tuesday 2 July 2019 7:46

Make sure you take your first driving lessons in a minivan.

Practice saying, “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about,” and other dad phrases.

Sell your hoodies and buy khakis and cardigans, Pops!

By mccuish | 22

#7817378 - Tuesday 2 July 2019 8:10

Red flag

By Mathalamus | 24

#7817456 - Tuesday 2 July 2019 12:10

Yeah... just politely decline.

By DeeVa | 7

#7817497 - Tuesday 2 July 2019 15:00

Sounds about normal for a 15 year old.