By bloody good time - 23/11/2019 05:00

Nosebleed

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend, and he slid his hand up near my face too fast and ended up clocking me in the nose. It is the first time that I have ever had nosebleed while orgasming. FML

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Does it taste good?

Who's a good boy?

Hello everyone!

By FoodyFood - 19/3/2012 04:59 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, I told my daughter that she should put some love into her cooking. She started kissing the ingredients. FML

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By JustSayNo - 11/8/2013 23:23 - United Kingdom - Guildford

Today, I found out why my doctor told me not to mix pain killers with alcohol when I was told that last night I tried to convince a group of teenage tourists that I was one of the nitwits from One Direction, and then got miffed when they laughed at me. FML

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By MrRadin - 4/12/2015 05:31 - France

Today, my roommate thought of a new idea for our household. According to him, we should take dumps at work as often as we can, that way, "we'll save on toilet paper at home." FML

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By Foot In Mouth - 13/7/2016 02:46 - United States - Bentonville

Today, while meeting a new client, their assistant said I looked familiar. Before my brain could stop me, I blurted out, "I do porn." FML

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By Ryoichi - 17/9/2015 11:13 - Germany

Today, it was my dad's retirement. He is traditional Japanese, so I had custom-ordered a samurai sword from a traditional Japanese blacksmith with dad's name engraved on the blade in kanji script. He loved it, right up til my drunk cousin tried to use it to cut down a tree and snapped it in two. FML

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By steve-o - 14/2/2019 15:46 - United States

Today, while spooning my spouse, I was awakened in the wee hours by a huge, junk-rattling fart. This has happened numerous times since she became a vegetarian. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2013 06:21 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my job application got denied once again. I looked over it, and saw that my roommate added "screwing over customers" and "hiding dead bodies" under my skills. FML

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By haaaye - 22/10/2019 02:00 - United States

Sounds cosy

Today, my Twitter got hacked, and I can't get it back. Everyone now thinks I live in a trailer and have multiple STDs. FML

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By thebabysitter - 14/8/2009 07:34 - United States

Today, I just got done watching my cousin's two kids for four days while they were on vacation. I fed, clothed, and bathed them for four days of hell and got paid with a $5 shark tooth necklace from the Bahamas. FML

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By scubai - 14/1/2010 20:36 - United States

Today, I was giving my boyfriend head. As I was beginning to enjoy and really get into it, I heard him say, "Oh my god, this is good shit." I looked up sexily, only to find that he was eating a Twinkie. FML

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By RunningMurphy - 15/5/2009 07:20 - United States

Today, at work, some little girl went in the bathroom for quite a while. Came out for two minutes and went back in. She then came out with her finger clutched in a paper towel. One of the other coworkers went in to check the bathroom. The little girl wrote "Hi!" with her own poop. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2009 09:23 - United States

Today, I tried to be sexy and put a condom on with my mouth. Instead, I inhaled it and my boyfriend broke three of my ribs giving me the Heimlich maneuver. FML

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By dev - 28/8/2011 06:18 - United States

Today, I was at my family reunion. I've always hated my family. I walked up behind my husband and said, "I can't wait to go home and make love." My husband turned around. It was my uncle wearing the same hat as my husband. FML

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By Less - 7/3/2011 19:39 - Reserved

Today, I decided to improve my posture by sitting through all of my classes with my shoulders and back completely straight. Pretty soon I couldn't move my shoulders at all. I had to go to the chiropractor. It turns out that in trying to improve my posture, I misaligned my spine instead. FML

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By CatLover - 6/11/2014 18:30 - United States - Bartow

Today, my mentally-unhinged mother reached a new level of psycho - she threw a tantrum and raged at my father, accusing him of cheating on her with our cat. FML

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By lotd - 31/7/2012 23:28 - United Kingdom - Henley On Thames

Today, as I sat down for my flight, I realised that the passenger I had to sit next to for the next seven hours was wearing a necklace made from tampon packaging. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2015 04:09 - United States - Redlands

Today, it was my birthday. It was also the only day my family wanted to hold the graveside funeral for my grandmother who passed last week. FML

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By Rosie J. - 10/11/2016 02:45 - United States - Leawood

Today, I saw an older gentleman running through my store. I wasn't sure why he was running towards the front door until I looked at the floor and saw a poop trail behind him. The trail went from the front of the store all the way to the back of the store. Guess who had to get the mop and bucket. FML

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By regiftee - 25/3/2009 05:06 - United States

Today, my watch broke so I casually mentioned to my dad that I needed a new one. A little while later he hands me this really nice watch. He says, "Here, this one's been lying around for a while". It was the watch I gave him for Father's Day. FML

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By gutav indogop - 24/6/2011 06:47 - Switzerland

Today, one of my students corrected the problem I had solved on the board, explaining that you do multiplication before subtraction. I teach the second grade. FML

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By ZombieMommy - 10/3/2017 05:00 - United States - Conroe

Plooped

Today, I was pouring milk into my coffee and, as it plooped into my mug, I noticed the expiration date on the jug passed 2 weeks ago. Nobody here drinks milk very often and I ran out of creamer so I've been unknowingly drinking my coffee with curdled milk for the past 3 days. FML

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By GiraffeLover - 11/1/2013 11:36 - Australia

Today, my 17 year old boyfriend's mother bought him a giraffe onesie. He refused to take it off and insisted on wearing it everywhere we go. We live in Australia and it's our summer now. So far he has passed out 3 times in public because he over heated, but he still won't take it off. FML

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By Jacky-Boy - 7/8/2009 00:22 - United Kingdom

Today, I was playing songs at a funeral in my church. As the organ wasn't in tune I had to use an electronic piano instead. All was going well until in the end of a speech, I accidentally hit the 'demo' button. None of the grieving relatives were impressed by my drum beats and turntable scratches. FML

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By anonymous - 4/8/2015 20:56 - United States - Ballwin

Today, while shaving in the shower, my mother banged on the bathroom door to tell me something, right as I went to shave under my left armpit, causing me to jump and cut open my nipple. FML

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By heartbroken - 14/7/2012 01:41 - Canada - Brantford

Today, I came home in tears after my boyfriend admitted to cheating on me. My dad told me to sit down and tell him everything. He's pretty eccentric, so I wasn't fazed when he put on a pair of sunglasses. When I stopped talking, I noticed his mouth was slightly agape and he was snoring. FML

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By juliasaman - 3/10/2009 23:17 - United States

Today, I went to the doctors and was told I would need an inhaler. My mom came back from the pharmacy and told me the copay of $35 dollars was way too expensive, so she is making me use my cat's old inhaler. My mom values my cat's ability to breathe more then my own. FML

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By ohdearyme - 9/1/2015 12:06 - United Kingdom - Guildford

Today, I found out my boyfriend was on a dating website. He came up as an ideal match for my sister. FML

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By jdch_99 - 29/8/2012 13:12 - United States

Today, the pharmacist warned me that my antibiotics might cause slight gastrointestinal distress. The fact that I have been on the john for the past 90 minutes drenched in sweat would lead me to believe our definitions of "slight" are a bit different. FML

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By nuberific - 5/3/2009 18:45 - Canada

Today, I was in the change room at the local YMCA. I went to use the hair dryer but couldn't because a naked old man was bent over, butt cheeks spread wide with his hands, and ass aimed at the dryer. He seemed to be enjoying it. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2017 05:00

He tried.

Today, I rejected a girl I work with because I have a girlfriend. That girl then posted on Facebook that she'd friendzoned me for being creepy. My girlfriend saw the post, believed it, and dumped me. FML

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By Authentik8 - 16/9/2011 22:10 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that one of my university flatmates arrived early for Freshers Week, and had a party which involved the place being trashed. I'm going to lose some of my deposit for damage caused before I even arrived. FML

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By MsAnonymous17 - 26/5/2013 23:20 - United States

Today, my step-dad was talking about how he was raised in Las Vegas, telling stories about him and his buddies, until he stopped, looked right at my mom and said, "Find her, feed her, f*ck her, forget her. But I never forgot your mom, that's how I stole her from your dad." FML

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By Rapunzel - 18/3/2012 20:02 - United States - Tucson

Today, I watched as my step-dad put locks on my window, because he's convinced that I've been sneaking out at night. All my mom did was casually remark that I'm fucked if there's ever a fire. FML

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By Cult - 30/3/2014 14:27 - United States - Glenside

Today, I found out that my favorite band logo is no longer being used by said band because of copyright issues. I have this logo tattooed on my body. FML

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By SDCore - 12/2/2015 00:40 - United States - Glenview

Today, I got drunk at a party. I didn't want my parents to know, so I took out my phone, called my parents, and asked them not to tell them I'm drunk. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/2/2011 17:41 - Ireland

Today, I cycled 30 minutes through hail and rain to get my pregnant girlfriend the crisps she was craving. When I made it back, she didn't want them anymore. FML

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By ilook12 - 24/6/2015 03:23 - United States - Paris

Today, we had customer complaints of a child molester hanging around our restaurant. After confrontation by a manager, he wouldn't leave. I had to be walked to my car after my shift by more than one person because I look 12 and they were afraid for me. I'm almost 19. FML

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By anonymous - 2/11/2014 04:51 - United States - Vacaville

Today, my boyfriend was giving me a back massage while I was laying on my stomach. A few minutes into it, he stopped. I turned around to see why; he was taking a picture of my butt. FML

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By CockroachCluster - 2/6/2018 01:30

Today, I turned on my A/C for the first time in a couple of months. A family of ginormous cockroaches climbed out of the air vent and a few clumps of dead cockroaches fell to the ground. FML

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By NoMoreMeatForAYear - 21/5/2014 21:23 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I found out that just because my roommate doesn't buy alcohol, it doesn't mean she isn't stealing mine and slowly replacing it with water. That bottle cost me $150 and was destined to be a present for my best friend, whom I haven't seen in years. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7861538 - Saturday 23 November 2019 8:23

I'm betting you got more than 4 thrusts.

By Mathalamus | 24

#7861523 - Saturday 23 November 2019 6:37

At least it was enjoyable.

COMMENTS

By Mathalamus | 24

#7861523 - Saturday 23 November 2019 6:37

At least it was enjoyable.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7861538 - Saturday 23 November 2019 8:23

I'm betting you got more than 4 thrusts.

By TCRII | 27

#7861608 - Saturday 23 November 2019 14:06

Whoo-Hooo! Ouch! Whoo-Hooo! Ouch! Whoo-Hooo! Ouch! Whoo-Hooo! Ouch! Whoo-Hooo! Ouch!

By E2dav | 5

#7861953 - Monday 25 November 2019 11:04

Hope you're ok...and at least you got to finish

By bigdikbubls | 2

#7862096 - Monday 25 November 2019 20:38

I'm sure there is a name for that on urban dictionary