Today, I woke up to shuffling noises coming from downstairs. Suspecting the worst, I jumped out of bed, and whispered over my shoulder for my girlfriend to stay quiet. Only after going downstairs and taking a swing in the dark with my bat did I figure out it was just my girlfriend foraging for snacks. FML
Today, my friends and I went out drinking, and luckily enough, the guy I have had a crush on for four years now was there. I tried to get drunk so that I can make a move and blame it on the alcohol. I went in to whisper my confession in his ear... only to puke on him. FML
Today, and every day, a homeless looking man walks into my work, sits down and stares. I'm new to the job so, trying to make new friends, when the guy walked in this time, I went over to a co worker I was really clicking with, and went off about how creepy he was. He replied with "Who, my dad?" FML
Today, I had drinks at a friend's house before going out to a concert. I still had a bottle of beer left, so I brought it along with me. I got kicked out five minutes into the show for bringing my own drink, which is apparently against the rules. I paid $75 to get kicked out over a $3 drink. FML
Today, just for old time's sake, I decided to jump on my bed. I ended up hitting my head on the spinning fan and knocking myself unconscious. FML
Today, I sent a forward to the ladies at my office. When I scrolled down I noticed my personal emails from my best friend were attached. They go into great detail about the sex I had last night, when I was planning on dumping my boyfriend, and that I suspected I had an anal fissure. FML
Today, I went to a corner store to restock my chocolate stash. A guy from work walked in to see me and the cashier arguing about the amount of candy I was trying to buy with a jar of pennies. He took one look at me and said, "That time of the month, eh?" FML
Today, I was carrying several bags of groceries up the stairs to my third story apartment when I saw a giant rat climbing down the wall towards me. I screamed and dropped my groceries, which went over the rail and landed on the bottom floor, destroying them all. The rat? Just a big leaf. FML
Today, I was posing in front of the mirror, when I realized that everyone who looks at me can easily tell which arm I use to masturbate. FML
Today, I removed the safety padding from around the trampoline because it seemed useless. This afternoon, I did a backflip, got my hair stuck in the springs, ripped out a chunk of my hair, and face planted it into the brick pavers. FML
Today, I was giving my boyfriend road head. He closed his eyes when he came, and crashed into a pole. I have whiplash, and a very very angry father. FML
Today, I was walking in Walmart with my dad. We walked past the deodorant aisle. My dad said, "Need any deodorant?" I said, "No thanks." He replied, "That was a hint." FML
Today, my class and I were discussing our country's relationship with other countries. One person stated that the French have never done anything for us. A classmate took that moment to chime in and ask, "I thought the French gave us that giant statue of the Mona Lisa?" He was dead serious. FML
crazymentalblond tells us more.
OP here, when the second classmate made his announcement, everyone went silent (I swear crickets were chirping). He went into a ramble that sounded oddly like "the statue we got it in 1962." It took us all a few minutes to stifle our laughter to correct him. After that, yes someone did inform the first guy he was indeed wrong and told him several reasons why. At least it was a good way to kick off a what was slowly becoming a boring day. And yes I focused on the second guy a little bit more because I myself suck at history so I couldn't judge the first classmate too much. Especially when my previous schools skimmed over a lot of American history. If it wasn't for the books my mom showed me that she had on American history I wouldn't know much other than the basics. The education system I'm in really sucks.
Today, I went to work with a splitting headache, after being ridiculed for calling out with a migraine previously. It was only after I started vomiting blood at my work station that management decided I could go home. FML
Kitkat7291 tells us more.
OP here - I've tried to leave an update a few times but it never sends -_-' I did go to the hospital that day and the over all verdict was in fact an ulcer. I'm on really strong antacids now. I also quit that job 2 weeks after this post, but only after securing another one. I'm much happier now, thank you everyone!
Today, my parents posted nasty comments about each other on Facebook. I think they might secretly be 12 year-olds. FML
Today, I rented some movies in attempts to cheer up my best friend. Her husband just died a few weeks ago in a helicopter accident. I was in a rush and didn't read the descriptions of the two films, one was about a plane crash where all the passengers died. She cried through the entire movie. FML
Today, I sent a christmas card to my husband's uncle and aunt. I'd forgotten that the uncle died last year. FML
Today, I stepped outside for a smoke. It was 1 a.m. Thinking no one was around, I let out a series of loud, nasty-sounding farts. I looked over to my left to see the neighbor, whom I've never met, also smoking, and staring at me. That was his first impression of me. FML
Today, I went to the pharmacy to buy the Plan B pill. The pharmacist recognized me and said, "Really? Again?" FML
Today, while flying home, two little girls started chanting, "We're all going to die." I'm an extremely anxious flyer. FML
Today, a police officer caught my girlfriend and me having sex. The officer was my dad, and we were butt naked in his new Ford Expedition. FML
Today, I waited for 20 minutes to get a cab outside grand central station in New York (it was raining). Finally, to my relief, I found a cab but when I got in I let a little fart slip. Two minutes later the cabby kicked me out of his cab because I stunk. FML
Today, my customer complained to me that there were no scallops in her dish when it was "clearly stated on the menu." Finally, after she ran out of breath, I had to show her that the menu said scallions. She didn't understand, screamed at me and then walked out on her bill. FML
Today, my drinking habit hit a new low when I waited almost an hour to go to the liquor store after it opened because I didn't want to seem desperate. FML
Today, I was going to the bathroom at my boyfriend's house. I had awful diarrhea and was almost done, when I noticed a spider on the ground. Being terrified, I took a giant ball of toilet paper to kill it. I realized then that I had no toilet paper left to use. FML
Today, even though I'm overweight, I was feeling alright about the way I looked in the historical costume I'm required to wear by my job. A little kid came in and asked me if I was having a baby. Guess I don't look as good as I thought. FML
Today, while at a big speech and debate tournament, I corrected the judge's use of the word "podium" instead of lectern, because that's what my debate coach had told me was the correct usage. Well, she didn't take it too well and neither did my partner. Or my debate coach. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend that I think teddy bears are THE most pointless and careless gift. He shyly gave me my birthday present afterwards. It was a carebear. FML
Today, I heard someone try to get into my back garden. I ran to the front door, opened it, and shouted at whoever it was. I then saw a police officer appear, following the person who'd jumped my fence. I then realised I wasn't wearing any trousers. I'd shouted at the police half naked. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex in the janitor's closet of the pet store where I work. We were really getting into it when we were rudely interrupted by dozens of salamanders crawling up our legs. I had forgotten to lock the cage before we started. FML
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