By Zack - 01/04/2012 21:36 - United States - Duncannon

Today, I woke up to shuffling noises coming from downstairs. Suspecting the worst, I jumped out of bed, and whispered over my shoulder for my girlfriend to stay quiet. Only after going downstairs and taking a swing in the dark with my bat did I figure out it was just my girlfriend foraging for snacks. FML
I agree, your life sucks 11 744
You deserved it 26 487

Same thing different taste

Top comments

TheDrifter 23

I hope you hit a homer, because you're not getting past first base again for a while.

The_creator_fml 2

So her snack was peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat?


Why didn't she turn on the lights?

Because they live in Pennsylvania silly!! Land of the vampire... Light hurts their eyes!

Maybe she didn't want to wake OP up. (^o^)/

Why didn't OP turn on the lights as well rather than swinging a bat aimlessly in the dark?

14 - The noises that she was making was coming from downstairs. I suppose that the light switch could be really loud or something, but she would have seen better (and so would he) should either of them have turned on the lights. Aren't vampires from Transylvania and not Pennsylvania though? I think that's where Kresnik and Kudlak originated.

That is so funny one day you guys will remember this and laugh your ass off.

Is anybody even concerned about the girlfriend? I mean seriously, she got hit by a ******* BAT. Instead you all drool over the origins of vampires.

Oh **** I messed up *hear. *braces for stampede of cyber ******

38- Where did it say she got hit? It just says that he found out after a swing. So maybe he hit something else, or even nothing, and she saw or heard it and then said something and that is how he found out.

twifan1901 0

47 more like swing better batter!

Forget that why didnt he turn on the lights

But then, who did he say to stay quiet to? ...[girlfriend's name], get in the car, we need to get out of here...

Didn't want to get caught with the munchies obviously

I think she obviously got hit by the bat, or this wouldn't really be an FML... Durr.

#89 - Then it wouldn't be an FML.

TheBonzaiGirl 0

Did you miss the part where it said she had night vision goggles on? ;)

aaahhhfire21 0

I really hope u didn't crack her one

ScubaSteve96 0

Lol,"girlfriend be quiet... I said be quiet!! *hits with baseball bat*

can't you tell if your girlfriend is not next to you when you're whispering to her

cobaltss06 1

I feel like I know the OP lol

oldirtybasterdSE 0

Why didn't HE turn on the lights?

Remind me to never enter your house uninvited!!!

Well you shouldn't really be showing up at anyone's house uninvited... Especially someone you don't know...

Don't show up at OP's house uninvited!

Shit, they never taught me that in school..

nofearjenshere 12

I hate to turn up, out of the blue, uninvited... But I, couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it...

Laughing hard right now...oh Adele...

aruam365 24

I'm concerned about OP's thinking and nerve function, there is a huge difference in feeling someone laying in bed with you and someone not laying in bed with you. A normal person would have felt the lack of another human body in the bed and inferred it might be the girlfriend making noise.

well, that would be a little but creepy.

hellbilly205 17

This reminds me of the family guy episode, when the robbers are in the house and peter hits meg in the head with the bat after the fact of her saying something already... Lol

Well, you have to remember, he literally JUST woke up when this happened and your body doesn't react quite as fast in that phase.

adamcichuttek 2

94 - he was probably mostly worried about stopping them than making sure she was in bed. I would assume she would be.

TheElderTROLLZ 15

What the hell are you talking about? Define "Smooth."

KingOfAmazing 9

I believe that he was using the slang term of the word smooth, as in "having suave characteristics." Of course, he had a sarcastic tone to his use of the word smooth. So, in all actuality, he is implying the exact opposite of the meaning of the slang definition. So, what was meant was that the OP was not, in fact, smooth. Just clarifying.

I don't think when he said "Define smooth," that he meant it. I picked up a bit of his sarcasm... I guess you didn't.

KingOfAmazing 9

Excuse me if I'm wrong, but if he was using sarcasm, that was a very poor use of it. Although, you must know exactly what you are talking about. Judging by your astounding grammar skills, you are a highly educated English major. So next time, I should stop wasting my time and try to be more like you. That was an example of sarcasm used in the correct manner.

My question is: how did he not notice that his girlfriend wasn't in bed? That would be my FIRST action.

TheDrifter 23

I hope you hit a homer, because you're not getting past first base again for a while.

icrest80 4

Amazing word play right there^ well this one will definatly hurt his batting average

It might have been a strike, but he still probably wouldnt get past 2nd even in that case

Fruitmonster2 15

Well, I guess you could say he struck out; on his sex life. ;D No? Okay, I'll be seeing myself out.

5- you made my night right there holy **** bro

Stop You don't sound "black," or gangster or, "swag." You sound like a try-hard wangster nerd (wangster = wannabe gangster)

And you didn't turn a light on first? Idiot.

thenomad 7

If it was a legitimate robbery, turning the lights on would draw unnecessary attention. Bad idea if the robber is armed. Op should have realized his girlfriend was out of bed before searching for the source of the noise.

I'm sorry, but I disagree. If it WAS a legitimate robbery, fighting the person in the dark would be highly disadvantageous as well as destructive, and the ability to see would be of greater help than the loss of surprise. Also, in cases like this, it makes sure you don't accidentally assault your housemates.

Also, real robbers generally use flashlights, rather than trying to rummage around for valuables in the dark, using their hands to feel every object they come across at the pace of a snail. OP should have thought before he acted, but I don't blame him. Instincts take over, and I would have probably done the same, except, I would have turned the light on first.

Has ANYONE stopped to think that the 'girlfriend' in the bed is the robber...?

thenomad 7

67- that's what my weapon light is for... Personally.

I'd be more concerned with who was in his bed that he told to be quiet.

MissHayleyJames 7

You shouldn't turn the lights on or the robber can see you too. What you do is blind them with an extremely bright flashlight and as they're squinting and trying to figure it all out, unload a few rounds into them until they stop moving. Then call the cops and let them handle it from there. Robbery Defense 101.

67, If they live in a city its never completely dark. As such, nothing you've said makes sense.

I live in a city and my house gets pitch dark, like I can't even see with the lights off, I've just memorized the layout of my house. @187

Just say she walked into your bat 'by mistake'...

She must walk at the exact same speed a bat does when it's being swung in the air. She should try out for olympic walking.

Very awkward to explain, so I accidentally hit my girlfriend in the face with a bat...

Add in that it was as she left the kitchen then watch as the magic unfolds

Way to go, I guess you were sleeping on the couch the rest of the night.

bizarre_ftw 21

It's his house! (^you can tell by his reaction)

The_creator_fml 2

So her snack was peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat?

HentaiBunny 4

Yes!! This joke finally makes sense. I love it!!

hopechancey 4

I will never look at that song the same way again...

TheElderTROLLZ 15
Dusty_Busters 15