Kids: Today, I tried to cuddle Simon, my five year old son. He wriggled...

By sly - France

Today, I tried to cuddle Simon, my five year old son. He wriggled away and said: "If you need a teddy bear, go buy one! Or find another Simon!" FML

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Kids

Understandable

Child labor

F*** my overweight life

By Dinger1992 - United States

Today, my dad was teaching me how to drive. He told me that stop signs with white outlines are "optional." I ran through the next one I saw and got pulled over by a cop. My dad is making me pay the ticket for being "that stupid." Thanks dad. FML

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By GaymerLink

Today, my boss reprimanded me for not meeting my sales goals and is sending me to a two week training program. I don’t work in sales. FML

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By Anemity_is_my_name - 7/1/2021 14:01 - United States

Compassion

Today, I'm exhausted and sore from a long night of pulling semis out of the snow. My wife is pissed because I want to sleep, instead of be with her. Every time I drift off, she starts doing things like loudly unloading the dishwasher or standing by our bedroom door talking loudly on the phone. FML

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By dump truck hater - United States - Austin

Today, when leaving my apartment, I instantly noticed there was a giant dump truck in our lot, which turned out to be directly behind my car. After making a 20-point escape from my parking space and getting to work late, my roommate texts me "DUDE guess what I got last night". A giant dump truck. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/2/2020 12:00 - Canada - Edmonton

New one

Today, I closed my eyes while my boyfriend was fingering me, and I felt a cold liquid inside me. I opened my eyes, and he was pouring yogurt into me. He said “I wanted to try something new.” FML

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By pipefitter28 - Canada - Vernon

Today, I tried to impress a girl at the gym on the squat rack, but let out a big fart. She was grossed out and laughed at me with her friends. Her boyfriend came over and told me I was a dead man, and I'd better leave. I'm now the proud owner of a year membership at a gym I can't go to. FML

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By fuck em all

Today, my entire family is giving me the cold shoulder, including my parents, for not going to my sister's wedding. No one seems to care her new husband bullied me so badly in high school that I still need medication for my anxiety 15 years after graduating. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss fired me from my job at a local family-owned business. Thanks, mom. FML

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By smalls727

Today, I was at orientation for my new job. There were only 6 other people in the training. Throughout the whole entire training, I kept smelling cat urine and moving further away from the other person. Only to get in my car and realize my cat peed in my purse. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New York

Oops, I Did It Again

Today, I had to explain to my mom that the bruises I have all over my body are not due to abuse, but because I'm into really rough sex. FML

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By I pick em' good - United States

Today, I found out why my husband has been coming home from work so late. Turns out he loves to help people. Specifically female people. And by help, I mean sleep with. FML

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By Crawlinginmymemes - United States - Danvers

Today, I accidentally shut the door on someone who was walking behind me. After he opened the door, I turned, looked him sincerely in the eye and said, "Suffering". I meant to say sorry. FML

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By DomesticPatrol - United Kingdom - London

Today, I just patrolled my entire house with a fucking hammer and flashlight because my cat stepped on a fucking creaky floorboard. It's 2 a.m. FML

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By moresexperience - United States

Today, I had dinner with my girlfriend of five months along with my mom and dad. Everything was going fine until my mom asked aloud "Everything going smooth for you in the bedroom?" to which my girlfriend replied "No." I was painting the master bedroom at my parent's house for some extra cash. FML

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By wetboy - United Kingdom

Today, I found out why my girlfriend of 8 months has never agreed to stay the night before. Now I have a 4-month old mattress that needs replacing, and a 23-year-old bedwetter for a girlfriend. FML

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By surprise - United States - Starkville

Today, I wanted to surprise my roommate by picking her up from class with her dog. Her dog decided to surprise me by dumping a load on my passenger seat. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/6/2020 05:01

Friends theme music plays

Today, I realized that having the apartment bathroom next to my bedroom space isn't so great and convenient when it's occupied by my evil roommate, Fartzilla. I hear every constipated grunt, despite having music turned up. Worse, it's like living next to a poop-pourri factory. Nose bleach, anyone? FML

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By hairball - United States

Today, my shower is being renovated so I decided to wash my hair in the kitchen sink. I put my two year old son on the counter next to me so I could keep him close. As I was rinsing out my hair, my son started playing with the light switches. He flicked the garbage disposal by accident. FML

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By princess - Canada

Today, I texted my boyfriend of 6 months saying that I was in the mood, and that I was in bed, and naked. He texted back saying "U got fingers, use them, im going to bed xoxo". FML

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By burning balls of fuck this - United States - Oakton

Today, I locked my keys in my truck. The good news is that I have a spare set in my house. The bad news is that my house key is on the same keyring as my locked-in truck key. FML

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By axwound - United States

Today, I was in bed with my cat on my lap. No one was around, so I felt comfortable enough to let out a huge fart. What I didn't expect was my cat jumping up and then clawing and biting my crotch. FML

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By FlatTire - United States

Today, I found out that I have enough driving skills to manage to hit a pothole and have two of my tires go flat. FML

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By notsofriendly - United States - Austin

Today, a character in the video game I was playing called my character a slut. My boyfriend ripped the controller from my hands, shot him dead, then fired the rest of my ammo into his corpse while yelling "FUCK YOU, BUDDY!" Good to know I'm dating a total lunatic. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, me, a coworker, and my manager were looking at random advertisements. One ad was a picture of three fishes. My coworker named the three fishes what I thought were completely random names. I said "those are stupid names." Turns out those are my manager's kid's names. FML

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By :/ - Netherlands - Nijkerk

Today, my mom accused me of stealing money from her purse. Being totally innocent, I reminded her that the only other person with access to it is her boyfriend. She said she trusts him because she loves him. They've been dating for 2 months. I've been her daughter for 25 years. FML

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By nemesis5196523 - United States - Ogden

Today, I got the ending to Breaking Bad spoiled for me by a cashier while I was buying the final season box-set. FML

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By analeis - United Kingdom - Liverpool

Today, I was vomiting after an evening of drinking. My boyfriend was kind enough to hold my hair back while I spewed chunks into the toilet. Apparently he got bored though, because his hands made their way down to my boobs, which he started jiggling while singing Jingle Bells. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the bathroom and my pee split into 4 different streams, none of which actually hit the toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I woke up to my dog laying on the pillow next to me. When he saw that I was awake, he wagged his tail happily and then promptly sneezed in my face. FML

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By Awkward Jeff

Today, I was home alone, so for fun I put red lipstick on. A few minutes later, my doorbell rang. I managed to get it off before I got the door. I saw my neighbor, and had a long conversation with him. After which, I came inside and realized I had lipstick all over my teeth. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, a telemarketer found me so weird that he hung up on me. FML

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By lessinterestingthanadog - United States

Today, I invited the guy I've been seeing to my home for the first time. He spent over an hour talking to my twelve-year-old dog. Occasionally he would look up to ask me a question, but when I answered he would just continue talking to the dog. FML

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By beka

Today, after our housing offer was accepted, I told my parents. The only response was, “That’s a much nicer house than I had when I got married, I hope you can afford furniture.” Thanks mom. FML

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By joxerthemighty39 - United States

Today, I had to babysit two kids. I told them to stop fighting, or to sit on separate couches. They stopped. I asked why nobody would sit on the other couch, where I'd been sitting. They told me it was the couch their autistic brother often pees on. FML

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By Samaritan - United Kingdom

Today, I was given a ticket for running a red light. The reason? I was moving out of the way of an ambulance. The police officer watched it go by. FML

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By lancus - 7/6/2020 14:06

Patriotic ass

Today, my 6-year-old daughter and I were leaving a swimming pool when we passed the front desk, where there was a Canadian flag. She said, "Look daddy! A maple leaf! Just like on your ass!” I forgot that she knew about my tattoo and the flag. We ran out as people burst out laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - Israel

Today, I was told by my neighbors that my guitar playing sounded a dying cat. FML

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By garlicbread - United Kingdom

Today, I decided to make myself a nice meal. I bought expensive pasta and sauce etc. It looked delicious, I decided the finishing touch would be some parmesan cheese. I grabbed the bag and threw a handful of cheese on my meal. The cheese was about 98% mould. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Thunder Bay

Today, while at work, my ex-boyfriend came in. I pretended not to see him, hoping he would just pass on by. No such luck. He stopped to tell me that he was there for orientation. My company hired him. FML

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By Anonymous - Bosnia and Herzegovina - Tuzla

Today, I wore a sexy nurse's outfit for a little roleplay with my boyfriend. After the main event, he said the sex was actually pretty bad and that he should file a medical malpractice lawsuit. Then he laughed at his own joke, got dressed, and went out for drinks. FML

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Top comments

By alpuppy | 0

#172 - Wednesday 4 February 2009 23:06

hhaha that's fucking adorable "find another simon"

By HOLLAcaust | 0

#20916 - Sunday 8 March 2009 5:48

That's adorable lol
"Go find another Simon!"

COMMENTS

By alpuppy | 0

#172 - Wednesday 4 February 2009 23:06

hhaha that's fucking adorable "find another simon"

truelyawesome | 0

#844008 - Thursday 11 February 2010 9:01

dude, that kid is bound for great things

DarkPrince_fml | 0

#970239 - Monday 29 March 2010 1:20

owned

Mcstroodlenugget | 0

#1007943 - Wednesday 26 May 2010 18:18

soooo cute <3

kikilovesyouhh | 0

#1201271 - Friday 6 August 2010 23:51

awe, owned by your own son. (;

ellie12345678999 | 13

#5727808 - Thursday 24 October 2013 8:28

Ik so cute

By katieatieay | 0

#519 - Saturday 7 February 2009 17:53

i just love the name simon.

SuperheroHope | 0

#2718202 - Sunday 19 June 2011 23:36

meee tooo

thefmlman2011 | 35

#6083554 - Tuesday 7 October 2014 13:13

I don't like Simon Cowell....

Nah, he's not a bad guy

By macfluffers | 0

#9897 - Sunday 1 March 2009 6:05

It's his fault for being so cute.

By elfknight | 0

#10759 - Monday 2 March 2009 8:10

Don't fret too much over it. It's normal to start to pull away from mom at that age, a little bit.

By HOLLAcaust | 0

#20916 - Sunday 8 March 2009 5:48

That's adorable lol
"Go find another Simon!"

By convict617 | 0

#29120 - Friday 13 March 2009 1:49

That would make me go :3. You're a weird parent.

By manoverboard | 0

#30487 - Saturday 14 March 2009 0:25

xDD
I love that name, too.
Adorableee.

By Root123 | 0

#33959 - Monday 16 March 2009 4:17

FYL? I think it's adorable!

By cheerup4lifesux | 0

#36199 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 2:37

That's so funny hahaha. Another Simon. lol. Not fucked at all.

By lovemischa | 0

#59404 - Thursday 26 March 2009 6:35

AWWWWWWWWWWW! lololol!!! What a cute son!

asl_for_life | 6

#4489285 - Sunday 27 May 2012 23:20

laugh out loud out loud out loud?

Dave_Davington | 33

#6218820 - Monday 2 March 2015 10:03

Or is it laugh out laugh out laugh out laugh out loud?

Compassion

New one

Oops, I Did It Again

*Friends theme music plays*

Patriotic ass

Friends theme music plays