Group Chat Struggles

Today, I created myself a Dropbox folder named "Traffic fines". FML

Serious times

Boozehound alert

Race against the clock

By zarko - 14/2/2017 14:00 - Croatia - Zagreb

The first step to solving a problem is admitting you have one!

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Today, I fell asleep with my luggage at a bus terminal. Upon waking up, I found that someone had opened my bags and stolen all my socks. FML

By Anonymous - 9/9/2014 20:23

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Today, my insomnia started back up again. It was too late to get something to help me sleep so I was lying there wondering what I should do. I decided to listen to some ambient music. It helped a lot, but when I was about to fall asleep my parents decided to start doing 'it'. FML

By sleepless - 20/6/2009 05:28 - United States

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Today, my girlfriend interrupted my proposal to take a selfie with the ice cream I had just bought her. She then said no. FML

By Anonymous - 2/8/2014 04:00 - United States - Houston

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Today, I was auditioning for a talent show. I asked my girlfriend if I could sing to her before I went. She said sure. Thirty seconds in, she got up and mumbled, "You're only going to embarrass yourself." FML

By NotChadKrouger - 11/5/2011 15:19

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Today, hours after being turned down for sex, I woke up to my boyfriend sitting at the computer, jacking off to a picture of my deceased mom. FML

By Anonymous - 7/2/2015 11:51 - United States - Desoto

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Today, I was at the supermarket when an elderly lady asked if I'd grab some coffee for her from a high shelf. The moment I took my hands off my almost-full shopping cart, she made off with it. I ended up getting thrown out by security after she claimed I was trying to steal it from her. FML

By Anonymous - 13/5/2013 19:49 - United Kingdom - Swindon

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Today, I was bored and started touching myself watching TV. My mother walked into my bedroom with a phone in her hand and yelled, "Stop jacking off and talk to your grandmother." FML

By caught - 9/1/2012 00:43 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend started freaking out about how his penis floats in water. Baths with him will never be the same again. FML

By bathtime - 21/12/2011 04:32 - United States

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Today, my 6-year-old daughter threw a tantrum in the middle of a store, all because I wouldn't buy her a pushup bra. FML

By Anonymous - 6/10/2013 04:44 - United States

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Today, I had to be treated for chemical burns, because my mother got the bright idea of using paint thinner to clean me up after I'd painted our living room. FML

By Anonymous - 11/10/2012 19:03 - United Kingdom

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Today, I told off my crazy sister-in-law after she made my wife cry for putting on weight during lockdown. Then, as I was sleeping in my armchair, the crazy bitch snuck into the house and cut off every single one of my meter-long dreadlocks. Now I got a BALD HEAD. FML

By Anonymous - 26/6/2020 02:02

Emergency haircut

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Today, I decided to use my mentor's advice. I told her I had been having some trouble controlling my anger, she told me to throw rocks at trees. I threw a rock at a tree, very hard. It bounced back hit me above the eye. I'm still pissed as shit. FML

By untitledentity - 24/5/2009 16:03 - United States

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Today, I was chatting to my brother on Skype. Out of the blue, and just as I read the punchline to a hilarious joke, he said his girlfriend had been cheating on him. I couldn't stifle my side-splitting laughter, and he's been ignoring my calls since. FML

By Anonymous - 3/3/2012 03:05 - United States

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Today, for the first time in weeks, my wife felt frisky, and we started fooling around. Half-way through undressing me, she bolted out, claiming she had the shits. About five minutes later, she tearfully called out from the bathroom, begging me to bring her a fresh roll of toilet paper. FML

By FUCK GOD - 3/2/2013 23:04 - Argentina - Salta

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Today, I was taking a nap with my 5 month old on the floor (carpeted) in the livingroom. when I woke up my daughter bombed her diaper her and the dogs were rolling in it on the carpet and tiled kitchen....FML

By "Mom2grls808" - 19/12/2018 20:00 - United States

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Today, my mother-in-law texted to wish me a happy birthday. She spelled my name wrong and it's not my birthday. FML

By ShitHappens2016 - 16/4/2017 18:00

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Today, the magic of witnessing a sheep giving birth was ruined for me when I slipped and fell in the puddle of birth fluids. FML

By 3hoursleftofwork - 28/3/2012 18:02 - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

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Today, I was in a shoe store. I picked up a shoe so I could look at it, but when I put it back on the shelf, the whole shelf fell down, making all the shoes fall to the ground. The people behind the counter started clapping. FML

By shoes - 2/1/2010 02:45 - United States

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Today, my boss pretty much told me that I'm too ugly to meet clients, and should stay in the office doing the paperwork. So basically, I'm a modern day Hunchback of Notre Dame. FML

By Anonymous - 8/8/2014 06:13 - Singapore

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Today, my brain-dead brother-in-law decided to play five finger fillet while at my place. Predictably, he ended up slicing a finger wide open. My mother-in-law now wants my blood, because she thinks I dared him to do it, and that clearly her perfect little angel couldn't be such a moron. FML

By fmlgirl - 9/5/2014 18:44 - Netherlands - Hulst

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Today, I went to get a condom because my boyfriend and I were going to have sex for the first time. When I opened the drawer, I saw that every single condom had a Jesus pin stabbed through it, and a note on top of the box: "love mom." FML

By Noname - 25/2/2009 01:20 - United States

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Today, my grandfather found my diary laying in the living room, and for some reason thought it was an interesting reading material. Oh well, he found out that I'm a lesbian, then panicked and basically outed me to my entire family. I really hope they have reservations in Hell. FML

By Anonymous - 16/9/2019 14:00

Out and about

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Today, I was moving into my new house. While trying to turn on the light in the bedroom, I realized I couldn't reach the string on the fan. I got a chair, climbed up, reached over, and fell badly. While writhing in agony on the floor, I looked over to see a light switch on the wall. FML

By Kailey - 28/10/2009 00:37 - United States

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Today, I dreamed I was getting married. I was wearing a white dress, had incredible cleavage and perfectly done makeup. Just one problem. I'm a guy. FML

By bride - 14/2/2011 06:24 - United States

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Today, I came home and found a can of body spray. My parents get me a new scent whenever they go shopping, which is usually at least twice a week. They left a note: "Do you get it yet?" FML

By SODbeatlesMCRlp - 19/11/2010 16:54 - United States

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Today, at work I was talking to a co-worker about what a slacker my manager was, and how all she did was stand around and talk. She was standing behind me the whole time. I now have sore nuts due to a direct hit from a broom handle. FML

By MikeMorin18 - 1/8/2011 00:07 - United States

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Today, I had a seizure. My dad responded by saying it always happens with my disease. I never have had a disease. Now I have to wait for my dad to stop yelling at my mom about not telling me, so I can ask what I have in the first place. FML

By aldfgadfklbg - 13/3/2011 23:08 - United States

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Today, I was out and was having a wonderful time. At exactly midnight, I get a call from my father. He's divorcing my mother. He's also going to Florida with his mistress for the weekend. If that wasn't the best news ever, he'd love if I found an apartment to live in ASAP. FML

By Anonymous - 17/10/2009 07:52 - United States

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Today, I found out that I'm not my girlfriend's only boyfriend. The other guy sells shoes on Facebook. FML

By Anonymous - 24/7/2019 22:00

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Today, I picked up a lady's dropped wallet and chased after her despite my sprained ankle. When I finally caught up with her, she smashed her chili sauce filled hotdog across my face and kicked me in the groin, accusing me of stealing her wallet. I was kept at the police station for 3 hours. FML

By fmlsrslyahhh - 6/9/2011 19:40 - Singapore

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Today, my dad gave me the sex talk. After telling me all the stuff I already knew, he told me never to use Durex condoms. He said, "They break a lot. That's the only reason you're around today, really." then chuckled to himself. FML

By accident - 14/2/2014 22:41 - United States - San Francisco

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Today, I cleaned out the fridge for my mother. I didn't throw out a single thing that was less than a month past its expiration. Instead of thanks, she complained about everything that I threw away being still good, including a tub of butter that had been expired for two years. FML

By AngrySon - 29/9/2011 01:12 - United States

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Today, I got my language final exam back. It was a 10-page essay front and back, and I saw that I received a D. The teacher told me the plot was too hard to follow and it jumped all over the place. It turns out he forgot to read the back of every page. FML

By df22 - 3/7/2020 20:08

Graded

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Today, after being married for 20 years, I found out that my wife has accounts on multiple dating sites, "just in case." FML

By Anonymous - 28/12/2013 05:10 - United States - Novi

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Today, my parents were awake while I was still in bed on my iPod touch. I decided to play The Smurfs Village. One of its minigames involves shaking the iPod, so I was breathing heavily. Later, my parents sat me down for a little "talk". FML

By Anonymous - 23/6/2012 13:11 - Australia - Melbourne

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Today, a cockroach flew towards me, and out of panic I dropped my car keys in the sewer. Not only did I lose my keys, but the cake I made for a client is stuck inside the car. It's for a wedding, and they're arriving in the reception area in a few minutes. FML

By Bobby The Baker - 3/4/2019 16:00

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Today, while at my ex-girlfriend's wedding, I had to hear her explain how she met the love of her life. This happened in the four years we were dating. FML

By Stolemylady - 4/6/2012 07:05 - Australia

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Today, I realized my sleepwalking habit has reached new heights. How? I woke up in the bathroom. On a plane headed to California. FML

By Anonymous - 9/8/2018 19:30 - United States - Bellerose

Is that even possible?

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Today, I discovered that my new boyfriend is the type of guy who, when there is a conflict, will just scream "I LOVE YOU" over and over hoping that it will solve itself instead of actually trying to work the problem out. FML

By sad - 5/5/2011 14:40 - United Kingdom

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