Group Chat Struggles

Today, I was Rizzo in a production of Grease. I sang a line about needing a ring. I've been able to put up my left ring finger for every rehearsal, but today I put up the one next to it. I flipped off the audience. FML

Rock, hard place

Compassion

Vultures

By Anonymous - 9/12/2010 02:21 - United States

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Today, I took my Spanish exam. One of the questions was to translate "Mark is lazy and antisocial." My name is Mark. Everyone kept giving me weird looks the whole test. FML

By Anonymous - 12/12/2014 18:46 - United States

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Today, I spent an hour and a half trying to rid my house of smoke and burnt plastic smell because my little sister didn't know she was supposed to add water in the package of microwaveable mac and cheese. FML

By Justaddwater - 9/1/2010 17:45 - France

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Today, my 15-year-old daughter said she wanted to become a "baby name expert". I chortled, until I looked it up. They actually exist. FML

By anotherfmladdict - 26/9/2013 07:06 - United States - Muscatine

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Today, I found out my boyfriend has been cheating on me. My dad noticed my depression and got me to tell him what was wrong. I told him everything, and trusting him to have an intelligent suggestion, I asked him what I should do. He shrugged and said, "Fuck, sue him, I dunno." FML

By Pissed - 21/9/2012 23:20 - United States - Newton Center

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Today, while laying on the couch my cat came and laid on me. Turns out my ass is big enough for my 13 year old cat to walk around in circles, wash itself, stretch and sleep. FML

By Fat Arsed Lass - 1/6/2014 10:28 - New Zealand - East Tamaki

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Today, while driving home with my parents. I pretended to be asleep so mum wouldn't talk to me. They then took this time to describe what they were going to do to each other when they got home. In full detail. FML

By Joel_mama - 27/7/2009 01:12 - New Zealand

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Today, my boyfriend told everyone I queef during sex. Even his parents are calling me "Cooter Pooter." FML

By Anonymous - 30/8/2010 06:02 - United States

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Today, I had to take an oral examination. I made it to the last part of the exam, then violently threw up in the middle of my answer. FML

By MGDS - 14/12/2013 05:52 - United States - Pine Grove

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Today, my boyfriend told me he traded nude pictures I sent him for a costume piece in an internet game. He told me I should be okay with this, because, "It's a rare piece." FML

By Anonymous - 23/4/2015 13:16 - United States - Cherry Hill

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Today, I was slapped across the face by a girl in the waiting room at the dentist's office. She thought I was taking a picture of her breasts with my phone. I was smiling while reading other people's FMLs. FML

By karmamaybe - 3/12/2012 20:35 - United States - Vermillion

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Today, I found out how it feels to have a car door slammed shut on my hand, breaking two of my fingers. Hint: it's fucking painful. FML

By Anonymous - 31/12/2016 21:26 - New Zealand

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Today, I learned how my cat's flea medicine works. Instead of killing the fleas, it just makes the fleas move off of the animal. The good news is my cat no longer has fleas. The bad news is, the fleas moved into my bed. FML

By Anonymous - 29/5/2009 19:38 - United States

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Today, I'm stuck at the airport overnight, because my phone didn't update its time zone after flying in, so I watched my train leave, thinking mine wasn't due for another hour. FML

By Jetlagged - 3/6/2017 22:00

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Today, I was in the toilet when somebody started banging on the door loudly. I panicked and immediately cleaned my self and opened the door. As I opened the door, my brother vomited all over me. FML

By thisisbad - 12/10/2009 14:21 - Malaysia

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Today, I was screamed at and told that I was denying someone's "second amendment" by not letting him through with a gun. I work at the border; he was trying to enter Canada. This is not the first time, and it probably won't be the last. FML

By Anonymous - 12/4/2013 10:23 - Canada

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Today, I got an invitation to my ex-boyfriend's wedding. We broke up because "he didn't believe in marriage." FML

By Anonymous - 1/6/2009 19:08 - United States

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Today, I found the password to my boyfriend's MSN account. I was listed in the "booty call" category. FML

By Gen - 16/12/2008 07:05 - France

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Today, my mother told her friends that I work as a call girl. I'm a call center agent. FML

By Anonymous - 11/12/2013 22:25 - Luxembourg

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Today, I proudly informed my boyfriend that I am now a size 4, down from an 18, after months of dieting and exercising after he told me he would like me to be a size 6. He broke up with me for "not listening to what he wanted" and "being an overachiever". FML

By overachiever - 18/7/2009 21:35 - United States

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Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, some homeless person came up to the window and started doing a voice-over. FML

By Anonymous - 15/3/2015 03:02 - United States - Lake Forest

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Today, I went to the print shop to get some work printed. The guy serving me printed my entire order wrong because he pushed the wrong button, so it had to be done again. He tried to charge me a fine for the mistake he made because "it's not a viable business otherwise". FML

By Anonymous - 20/10/2015 14:40 - United Kingdom - Oxford

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Today, I told my wife that she gets 100% of me and I keep nothing from her. She told me she doesn't want it and that I should get counseling. FML

By Rejected - 3/10/2016 16:00 - United States - Lynnwood

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Today, I found a credit card at my job. As store policy goes, we have to cut up lost cards immediately after finding them to protect the cardholders. As I grab the scissors and cut, my manager calls out, "Has anyone seen my credit card?" FML

By mariology - 11/12/2013 12:33 - United States - Newark

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Today, I was in the bank with my seven year old daughter, when I saw an old high school friend of mine with his wife. I said hello, and he commented on how beautiful my little girl was. I thanked him, and as I turned away, I heard his wife say "I guess the father must be the good looking one." FML

By lexibabe - 3/3/2009 00:36 - United States

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Today, I was supposed to go on a date. I have been playing solitaire the whole night waiting for him. Out of 15 games, I've won one. FML

By yourmomsabitch - 25/6/2011 04:30 - United States

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Today, I got an email that my Amazon account was probably hacked, and they have gone ahead and canceled all orders that seemed suspicious. Two days ago I was celebrating that I'd finished Christmas shopping early. Never mind. FML

By Virginia6810 - 14/10/2019 02:00

Christmas is canceled

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132

Today, I was outside at a café and looked at my phone. When I did, a woman halfway across the patio started screaming at me, demanding I tell her who I was texting and why. She then sprinted over, furious at me for apparently badmouthing her to somebody. All I did was check the time. FML

By Anonymous - 17/3/2013 11:00 - United States - Chicago

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Today, a guy was telling me how his girlfriend considers me a "perfect beauty". Not getting such compliments every day, I felt extremely flattered... Until he started to explain in great detail why he couldn't disagree with her more. FML

By YoushouldsaythattoHER - 12/9/2018 22:00

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Today, I finally made out with my boyfriend. Let's just say his idea of making out is moving his tongue like a lizard. FML

By lorrilanee - 20/11/2010 06:20 - Australia

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Today, I found out that when you flush an animal clear of blood for research, there is a nerve inside the heart, which when you strike it right, electrical signals cause the animal to writhe as if alive. Now, my boss knows about my fear of zombies, and I'm now terrified of half my job. FML

By kittkatt1 - 11/11/2013 01:52 - United States - Dearborn

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Today, it was my mom's birthday. I decided to get her a Willow Tree statue of a woman fairy holding a heart. After dinner, I presented my gift. My mother asked me how much it was. I replied, $30. She threw me a dirty look, shoved the present in my direction, and told me to return it. FML

By BbyDelight - 27/4/2009 03:39 - Canada

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Today, my idiot son tried to get a veteran's discount at American Eagle because he's "a fifth prestige" on Call of Duty. FML

By Anonymous - 9/8/2014 13:31 - United States - Akron

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Today, I had a bad feeling about walking to work because of the weather. Instead, I drove. My car slid on the ice and I created a four-car pile up. All three of the other people involved have decided to sue me. I should've walked. FML

By krfenton8 - 11/1/2016 06:49

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Today, I've owned my dream car for 11 days. Someone backed into it while it parked at work, and drove away without leaving a note. A man at a nearby business knows who did it but won't tell me because it was one of his customers. FML

By icefly - 29/7/2016 15:39 - United States - Orlando

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Today, I thought I'd spice things up by kissing my husband on the lips and then working my way down. But about halfway, I got some of his chest hairs lodged in my throat and started gagging. To avoid ruining the mood, I kept going, silently gagging, until we finished. I swallowed the hair. FML

By so unsexy - 4/8/2016 21:32 - United States - Seattle

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Today, I told my boyfriend I had diabetes. He won't talk to me anymore because he thinks I'll infect him with it. FML

By sabrinatarmine_ - 22/7/2013 02:35 - United States - Carmel Valley

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Today, I was at a bar. A fat guy looks at me for a while and sits down next to me. He turns and I expect that he'll hit on me. He then buttons down his shirt, presses his man boobs together and say to his friends “Look, I’ve got bigger tits than than the girl next to me!" His friends agreed. FML

By Anonymous - 5/6/2009 20:54 - Denmark

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Today, my brother called me, asking if I could help him do his taxes. Since he's a high school and college dropout, I thought all I had to do was a 1040EZ. No, last year he made more than twice what I earn, through self-employment. I have two Master's degrees and work at Burger King. FML

By tax-man - 2/3/2013 02:35 - United States - Chapin

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Today, someone had explosive diarrhea in my bathroom at work and didn't clean it up. I'm the only female in the office and I have only one toilet with no window or fan, so I have to leave the door open to air it out. It's right beside the canteen. Everyone will think it was me. FML

By eirbear - 14/9/2018 18:30

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