Group Chat Struggles

Today, my friends and I spent a little too long enjoying a beautiful cliff overlooking the ocean. We spent the next 3 hours lost in a pitch black jungle with only one pocket-sized flashlight. FML

Dangling modifier

This Charming Man

Side effects

By sothisishowidie - Guam - Yigo

38676

12952

Today, I found out my husband has been sleeping with one of the women in our marriage counselling group. FML

By scared and alone - United Kingdom - Preston

39309

2900

Today, my coworker, who has a tendency to overshare, decided to tell me she has chlamydia. I threw my hands in the air and said, "Stop. I don't wanna know." A customer heard this exchange and we were both written up. FML

By fmltom - United States - Las Vegas

21669

1649

Today, I got robbed at the gas station I work at. After only getting $38 dollars out the register, the guy then steals my purse. It had my rent money in it. FML

By jennlikewhoa - United States

39788

4519

Today, I was at my job, waiting tables. A fellow server and myself were given a party of 14 Bible thumpers. They left us $9.00 and a mini Bible after awesome service, telling us we did a great job. Unfortunately, Religion doesn't pay my car payment. FML

By PrayingForMoney - United States - Sacramento

38594

6431

Today, I fell in the shower and the doors jammed shut. I was stuck in there for hours, waiting for my parents to come home. They had to open the door for me while I was still naked inside. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Auburn

31150

3462

Today, I sent a dozen roses and a hand-written, heart-felt note to my ex-girlfriend to show her that I'm still madly in love with her. When I asked if she got the flowers I sent, she replied, "Yeah but you got the wrong color. You should've gotten yellow, that stands for friendship." FML

By Roses are Red - United States - Ridgeland

36322

13068

Today, I greeted a mom and a little girl at the place where I work. The little girl looks at me, looks back at her mom, and says, "Mommy, I hate people." FML

By neversayhiagain - United States

38561

2794

Today, I told my husband that I'm jealous of all the other girls whose husbands always take pictures of them together and post them online. He responded by posting a picture of himself, with me on the toilet in the background, captioned "The bitch on the pot." FML

By Anonymous - United States - Glendale

49040

18981

Today, I told my parents that I wanted a little brother. My dad apparently thought it would be funny to tell me that my mom just swallowed my little brother. FML

By Anonymous - United States

62569

9263

Today, after extensive tests due to pregnancy-related issues, I've been told my diet must change. I can no longer eat salt, sugar, gluten, or meat, and lactose is questionable. The doctor hopes it will end after the birth. Seven months to go. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Indianapolis

3407

337

Today, I kneeled down to tie my shoe and sneezed, nailing my face off of my knee and breaking my nose. FML

By ouchmynose - United States

49214

7072

Today, my neighbor showed me footage of my 7-year-old son spraying his beloved rose garden with weed killer. The whole garden is dead as fuck, and I'm now being taken to small claims court. FML

By Anonymous - United States - San Bruno

35767

7658

Today, I caught my sister eating crayons. She's 19. FML

By Anonymous - Canada - Oshawa

43682

3135

Today, I had my girlfriend over and we we're watching a movie in my basement. I run upstairs and pop a bag of popcorn. Later I come downstairs to find my 10 year old brother sitting next to my girlfriend saying," My brother always says he wants to screw your brains out, whatever that means". FML

By CaoNiMa - China

29778

74708

Today, while riding a roller coaster I got hit in the chest by a wasp going 80 miles per hour. As if that didn't hurt enough it somehow managed to survive and fell down my shirt. It crawled around and bit me a few times before the ride ended. FML

By jreed509 - United States

40694

4100

Today, my doctor told me I'm pregnant. Since we've been trying for several years, I called my husband to tell him the good news. Not long after, my doctor called to inform me there'd been a clerical mix-up and I'm not actually pregnant after all. FML

By DevastatedWoman - Belgium - Kalmthout

36432

2012

Today, I scraped the ice off my boss's car windows and thought it'd be funny to scrape a swastika in the ice on his roof. I didn't realize until it thawed off that it scratched it into the paint. He didn't find much humor in it and is making me pay for the damage. FML

By Username

7911

81215

Today, my fiancé and I were having sex. In the middle of it he said, "I want us to be covalent bonds". I didn't understand what he meant, and he actually stopped to explain it to me. FML

By Chemist-why - United States - San Francisco

31468

8832

Today, my girfriend of two years told me she wasn't actually a lesbian and our relationship was more of a 'learning experience'. FML

By Anonymous - United States

59768

11703

Today, my sister set it so all the Yahoo articles I read are published on my Facebook wall. This would have been fine had I not decided to read, "Does the gynecologist care if you shave?" FML

By embarrassed - United States

28425

5341

Today, my grandfather proudly informed me that the dump he'd just took looked like a tiger claw. He announced this during dinner, and told us not to flush it until he could take a picture. FML

By a - United States

24669

2130

Today, while working on a medical school application, I asked my mom what she thought my greatest challenge in life had been. She replied : "Trying to lose your virginity." FML

By Dr. Virgin - United States

78899

6490

Today, my daughter asked me when was the first time I had sex. After I told her 22 she quickly shouted, "Beat ya!" She's thirteen. FML

By Noname - United States

486521

106241

Today, after spending 5+ hours of my life painting a portrait of someone's cat for them, I finally finished it, perfect condition, no mistakes. I was supposed to be paid 300 bucks for it. Got 50 bucks because it was too "vibrant." FML

By Miserable person

Choosing Beggars

1671

208

Today, I was at the movies with my mom and dad, and the preview to my "My Sisters Keeper" came on. The trailer started out with "Most babies are accidents..." Right as that line was finished my mom elbowed me and laughed. FML

By A2 - United States

63898

4957

Today, I am now sleeping on the floor because my friend got super drunk at a small party then peed herself in her sleep. I was sleeping beside her and my clothes smell like pee. FML

2076

220

Today, I found out that the piece of vacant land I purchased for $20,000 is illegal to build a house on, due to acreage restrictions. Thank you, realtor. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Fallbrook

28483

5628

Today, my dad and I had to move in with my mom. There's only two tiny rooms, and my aunt lives there along with her dogs and my cat. The dogs have tried to kill my cat, I have to share the bed with my mom, who snores BAD, and I haven't slept in two days. I work early all week. FML

By Sleepless

2229

279

Today, I let my friend bleach my hair, which resulted in it falling out in clumps. I spent $150 at the beauty salon fixing it and cutting most of it off. I sent the pictures of my new hair to my friends, and I got the same reply from each and every one of them: "That better be a wig." FML

By goodlord12 - United States - Branson

20242

30234

Today, a man punched me for sleeping with his wife. Bewildered, I insisted I would never sleep with a married woman, to which he retorted "She wasn't my wife when it HAPPENED, dumbass!" I was assaulted for sleeping with my own girlfriend three years ago. FML

By Anonymous - United States

53274

4050

Today, my friend thought it would be funny to change the language setting on my phone to Mandarin. Unfortunately, neither of us knows Mandarin, and we can't change it back to English. FML

By damniphone - Canada - Edmonton

45012

8688

Today, I had a job interview. I got there as quick as I could, having to travel 2 hours into a city I'd never been to. When I arrived, they told me I was turned down for being too late. They'd rescheduled the interview an hour earlier and I wasn't notified of the change. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Seattle

3574

183

Today, out of nowhere, I started violently choking on my own saliva and shat myself in the process. FML

By Anonymous - 20/1/2021 08:01

Self-own

945

Today, my blanket got caught on my nose ring and it took my boyfriend over an hour to get it free. Afterwards, he admitted he was trying not to laugh because it reminded him of a bullfight. FML

By Anonymous - Mexico

13533

30818

Today, I went to the local used books store to sell all my college textbooks. I spent several hundred dollars on them in total. I ended up walking out of the shop a pathetic $3.50 richer. FML

By futuregigolo - United States - Strasburg

33865

7648

Today, I had a lady come up to me in a store just to tell me how bad my acne was and what remedies I should use. I got so embarrassed, all I could say was, "OK" and, "Thank you" until she left me alone. FML

By GhillieSuitsnBiscuits - United States - Portland

20476

1439

Today, my good buddy of about two years set me up on a blind date. I got to the meeting point and realized that my date was a guy. My "buddy" honestly thought I was gay. FML

By Anonymous - United States

37920

4451

Today, my boyfriend of 8 months dumped me over the phone in between telling the Subway employees what he wanted on his sandwich. FML

By misc - United States

51018

3460

Today, I was on a stationary bike at the gym. I got into a conversation with a very attractive female gym-friend. I felt something cool "down below". I looked down and saw one of my testicles had sneaked out of a hole in my shorts, I quickly looked up only to see her staring at the same thing. FML

By fatguyinalittlecoat - United States

25764

5214