Intimacy: Today, my parents asked me if I was sexually active. My grandma...

By Susan - Ireland

Today, my parents asked me if I was sexually active. My grandma then screamed from upstairs, "She's not even physically active!" FML

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Intimacy

Triage

Goodbye Bill

Can they do that?

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I yet again had to explain to my boyfriend that, yes, I can get pregnant even if I don't actually have an orgasm. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend and I were finally having some intimate alone time together. When we really started getting into it, he suddenly prematurely jizzed in my eye. I now need surgery and have to explain to my family how I almost lost my eye. FML

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By supergirl7 - United States

Today, I discovered I can properly operate the television remote with my feet. I then realized that it is pretty much my only talent. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my neighbours kicked my football back over the fence. They'd slashed it and taped a note to the remains that said, "Do it again and it'll be your face." Now I'm scared to play football in my own backyard. FML

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By davav74 - United Kingdom - Ely

Today, I visited my new doctor for the migraines I've been getting lately. Right from the start, I could have sworn the guy was on drugs. He just listened to my heartbeat, said, "Well Dave, it sounds like gallstones" and said they'll pass naturally. FML

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By Miss<Younger>Beyoncé - Namibia - Windhoek

Today, I was boxing up all my brother's old stuff to take to the attic. I came across a box, and without checking what was inside, I took it up, just to have it fall on my head, to then find out it was filled with dead baby hamsters. FML

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By why - United States

Today, I listened to my best friend describe having sex with her boyfriend in explicit detail. This would have been fine, but her boyfriend is my little brother. FML

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By ribx - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, despite feeling healthier than ever, losing fat, gaining muscle and having perfect blood results, my morbidly obese relatives keep telling me that my new vegan diet is "unhealthy". FML

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By myusofwe - Puerto Rico - Caguas

Today, I finally got the chance to sleep with the guy I like. He couldn't get it up and awkwardly tried to stick his limp penis in. FML

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By Mack - Canada

Today, I was at the book store when a book caught my eye: Overcoming Anxiety For Dummies. I wanted to look through the book but I was too nervous to pick it up, thinking everyone in the store would look at me. FML

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By ish0rty - United States

Today, my social-awkwardness is so bad, I was actually proud of myself for managing to ask someone a question. FML

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By hellokitty133 - United States

Today, the boys who sit at my math table decided it would be funny to throw broken pencils at my boobs to see if they were real. They did this the entire class period. I have to work with this group for the rest of the school year. FML

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By mommy

Today, I’ve been violently ill with diarrhea, and have been for past three days. I finally discovered why. It's because I ate a piece of candy off the recently-cleaned floor last week. My immune system is so weak, it can’t respect the 5-second rule. FML

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By BrokeAsFuck - United States

Today, my mom and I went out to a fancy and expensive restaurant per her request; she told me it was her treat. After we ate our meals and the large check came, she excused herself to the bathroom. She didn't come back. I was dine-and-dashed by my own mother. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Oldbury

Today, my mum, who always wanted more kids than just me, started crying because I'm not pregnant with her first grandchild yet. I'm 16, and this all started because I got my period and I asked to borrow one of her tampons because I'd ran out of my own. FML

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By jakeeey - Canada - Brampton

Today, I realized that I'm so depressed that I can't even watch porn without getting upset about how I can't get laid. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got my car back from the shop. The engine has been rebuilt twice in the past 3 months. My check engine light just came on. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Prairie City

You Sexty Thing

Today, my girlfriend is upset with me for not wanting to sext. I can't sext with her because she adds "lol" to everything, which turns me off. FML

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By OverweightTeen - Canada

Today, I added some of my own money to the tip jar in the Subway I work at to make myself look less pathetic. FML

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By ash - United States

Today, I had to admit that I'm an alcoholic when I spent my last dollar bills on Southern Comfort instead of tampons. FML

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By Lola987

Today, on my birthday, I tried to be a good girlfriend by making sure my boyfriend of 3 years alarms were set for work on his phone. Noticed he’s back to talking to his ex as the messenger bubble had her face in it.. He was asking for boob pictures...FML

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By Clumsy Clumsy - Canada - Spruce Grove

Today, I ran up to my boyfriend to kiss him when he got home from work. I tripped and I fell on him, and he fell backwards. He ended up hitting his head on the sidewalk and had to get stitches. He also had a concussion. FML

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By nail714 - United States

Today, while at football practice, my teammates and I were on water break. At the bus barn next to the field, a good-looking girl was washing a bus. Some of the guys started to yell pick-up lines at her from 50 yards away, and pretty soon I chime in. She turns around. It was my younger sister. FML

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By jemstuff - United States

Today, at work, I stopped in my boss/boyfriend's office to find him getting intimate with a girl. He then tells me that he is cheating on me, that he is dumping me, and that I am fired. Oh, and he is keeping the cat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I met a girl who was just as socially anxious as me. We spent the whole night staring at each other, then quickly looking away when the other person saw. FML

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By FD4

Today, my girlfriend's parents asked if I could move their car. I started the engine and began to accelerate, not noticing that the automatic transmission was on R. I drove right into a wall behind me, shattering the rear lights. Now I owe them $150 for repairs. FML

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By Scaredwitless - United States

Spooky

Today, my roommate decided to prank me by leaving a fake suicide note on the bathroom door and lying motionless in a bathtub full of water and red coloring. When I went, horrified, to take a closer look, he lunged at me and screamed. I was so scared I pissed myself. FML

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By JustWashedTheseJeans

Today, I pissed my pants in fear for the first time. Was I at a spooky haunted house? Nope, I turned a corner and got startled by a parked car. FML

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11098

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By Icy - United States

Today, my crush was talking to me on Facebook. He said, "Did you know that 99% of the time a guy is talking to a girl it's because he wants to go out with her? Yeah, well, this is that 1%." FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Chatswood

Today, my husband rejected sleeping with me because he wants to "save his energy" for building his custom car. Apparently, I'm a "distraction." FML

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By I'm Trading Up For A Dog - Finland - Pori

Today, I finished a painting I'd spent 3 weeks working on for an exhibition. When I came back from lunch, my cat was perched above it on my desk. He looked at me, then down at the painting, then jumped down onto it. He slipped and smeared the wet paint everywhere, ruining the whole thing. FML

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By NickJJ - Canada - Toronto

Today, I woke up to somebody shaking my shoulder. I had slept over at a friend's house, so I assumed my friend was just fooling around. With my head under the pillow, I swung my hand at his face then gave him the finger. Turns out, my friend left for basketball and I had slept in. It was his mom. FML

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By BrokenPoke - United States - Elkhart

PokeCrash

Today, my wife screamed to stop the car in an intersection, so I slammed on the brakes. From the left, an SUV rammed full force into us. My wife is unharmed, but I now have a broken left arm and our car is totaled. On the bright side, she caught the Pokémon in the road. FML

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By disappointed - United States

Today, after having saved up my money for months to buy my college-bound son the car of his dreams, I got a phone call telling me it had been totalled during a drag-race. I only gave him the keys two days ago. FML

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By tony1401 - United States

Today, I got another email from Amazon asking me how I like my new Kindle. I don't have a Kindle. It's the one I bought my ex for Christmas, right before she left me while I was deployed overseas. FML

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By ugh - United States

Smooth talker

Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend. It was going well until she started talking dirty, saying stuff like, "You like my tushy, baby?" "I want to fellate you so bad," and "You'll need some ice after this one." My boner practically retracted into my body. FML

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By communistgirl - United States

Today, I had to do community service work, so I helped out at a senior center. One of the confused elderly patients, who believed the Cold War was still on, thought I was a Soviet and started screaming about how I was going to nuke his country. FML

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By stupidteacher - China - Guiyang

Today, I gave a presentation in class. I felt pretty good about it, until afterwards when I was told I lost points for communication because I'd been chewing gum. I wasn't, I just have a speech impediment. FML

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By Powerless - Australia

Today, I had a planned 12-hour power cut for maintenance work, which I'd forgot all about. In need of a shower before work, I spent 45 minutes boiling pots of water on the stove to take a lukewarm, 6-inch deep bath, before realizing my water heater runs on natural gas and was working fine. FML

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By Great. - United States - Billings

Today, I told my boyfriend I loved him. He responded by fist pumping. FML

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Top comments

By perdix | 29

#5410324 - Monday 18 March 2013 16:31

Did Grandma say this while banging a guy she picked up at the gym?

By obviousboy | 8

#5410347 - Monday 18 March 2013 16:49

Grandmas: calling it like it is since they stopped giving a fuck.

COMMENTS

By lazyfoo92 | 4

#5410321 - Monday 18 March 2013 16:29

Video games are even a physical activity nowadays so how does that work?

SmallyBigs | 9

#5410334 - Monday 18 March 2013 16:37

Having sex takes care of both of those activities.

Enslaved | 36

#5410364 - Monday 18 March 2013 17:01

And what about the ones that just lie there like a corpses?

By perdix | 29

#5410324 - Monday 18 March 2013 16:31

Did Grandma say this while banging a guy she picked up at the gym?

Lrigglez | 7

#5410538 - Monday 18 March 2013 19:59

No while she was showing the parents her light up vibrator.

rabidpeach | 5

#5410594 - Monday 18 March 2013 21:15

demonstrating while she was visiting them at the cemetary

Wizardo | 33

#5410768 - Tuesday 19 March 2013 0:18

No, probably whilst he was scrounging up doritos and mouldy cheese off of the bathroom floor.

Joe9024 | 20

#5411110 - Tuesday 19 March 2013 5:40

I'm surprised OP could hear her with that mouth full of nachos! "Mhmmph Now where are my pants.."

Nicholi124 | 10

#5411668 - Tuesday 19 March 2013 16:46

At least she kinda covered for you lol

By Welshite | 39

#5410325 - Monday 18 March 2013 16:31

Sex is a physical exercise. Go get 'em, girl...

By dreamweeper370 | 10

#5410327 - Monday 18 March 2013 16:33

Cougars these days.

By andyyroxx | 20

#5410335 - Monday 18 March 2013 16:37

Yeah, and what about you, Grandma?

st333ph | 12

#5411076 - Tuesday 19 March 2013 5:02

That's a question who's answer I would not want to hear.

By zingline89 | 18

#5410337 - Monday 18 March 2013 16:41

Go bang a dude on a treadmill and kill two birds with one stone.

Pleonasm | 34

#5410386 - Monday 18 March 2013 17:17

Or just ride a space hopper to a similar effect

zingline89 | 18

#5410398 - Monday 18 March 2013 17:28

A space hopper/dildo combination...hmm...to the patent office!!

Pleonasm | 34

#5410418 - Monday 18 March 2013 17:45

Dildopper!

By sugarshane007 | 20

#5410341 - Monday 18 March 2013 16:45

Nothing quite cures the burn when delivered from Grandma.

By obviousboy | 8

#5410347 - Monday 18 March 2013 16:49

Grandmas: calling it like it is since they stopped giving a fuck.

By anythingmustbe | 18

#5410349 - Monday 18 March 2013 16:50

As Olivia Newton-John says...
Let's get physical physical!

happysmile987 | 24

#6204934 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 13:12

Er no. Just no.

By Felling | 14

#5410350 - Monday 18 March 2013 16:50

You just got owned by grandma.