Intimacy: Today, my parents asked me if I was sexually active. My grandma...

By Susan - Ireland

Today, my parents asked me if I was sexually active. My grandma then screamed from upstairs, "She's not even physically active!" FML

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Intimacy

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Famous for something

Freaked out

By harry - Hong Kong

Today, I started growing hair on my upper lip. I'm finally becoming a man! Too bad I'm a 17 year old girl. FML

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By K3you - United States

Today, my fiancé broke off our engagement after he saw one of my baby pictures. He said our future kids just wouldn't look right. FML

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By brinn - United States

Today, I told my husband that I wanted him to stay sober during the week. He responded by saying he wanted me to be a supermodel during the week. FML

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By pedestrian - United States

Today, I let my friend borrow my car. She parked it in a towing zone, and it was towed. The best part is, it was towed by a bogus towing company. The cops assure me it's safe in a chop shop somewhere. FML

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By RitaDahhlinnnng - United States

Today, I had my first real date with my first serious boyfriend. I was nervous because from past experience. I learned my lips were a bit ticklish and I usually giggled a bit during kissing. Well, we started making out and I thought was I doing pretty good hiding my laughs. Until I wet myself. FML

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By Lady Vulva

Today, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend. It lasted about 20 seconds, and he cried during it. I later heard him telling his friends he'd given me a "damn good pounding" and "made her cum 3 times". I wish. FML

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By MegaZeo - United States - Livermore

Today, I could not decide what was sadder: the fact that I have to work on New Year's Eve, or that fact that working on New Year's Eve is still the most exciting thing I've ever done for New Year's Eve. FML

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By dullstuff - Belgium

Today, my bike got stolen because I left my keys in the lock. On my way home, I saw my bike in front of a store, unlocked. I jumped on it, only to get punched in the face by the guy that had taken it, and got it stolen from me again. FML

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By Michelle - Australia - Richmond

Today, my boyfriend told me that I have the bad habit of not doing the dishes before he has his daily piss in the sink. FML

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By Hungry - United States

Today, a drunk girl asked me for directions to her hotel. I had just bought an empanada and was feeling good, so I agree to look up the address on my phone. Two minutes and a text charge later, I got the address. Out of inebriated glee, she hugged me and knocked the tasty empanada out of my hand. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to my kid's band concert. She's 12 and in the advanced team. They were the first ones to play and they were so incredibly bad that I laughed. Really, really loud. I was escorted out of the recital. FML

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Today, I spent 4 hours making a cheesecake for my brother's girlfriend, which she begged me for a week to make. After my oven breaking and having to buy a new hand mixer, she tells me she's not going to eat it because this morning she decided to try being a vegan because, "it sounds interesting." FML

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By kandi - Philippines

Today, while at the bakeshop, I got bored waiting in line so I decided to sit on the glass case protecting cupcakes. Turns out there was no glass. I had to pay $50 to cover all the mess and had to walk out of the bakeshop with icing all over my butt. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was at the park and needed to take a piss really badly. I opened my car door and stood to pee, but good old Mother Nature ran by and the wind blew it all into my car. My entire driver side smells like pee. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had to explain to my husband that it's biologically impossible for cats and dogs to cross-breed, and that his "brilliant idea" of getting ours to mate is just plain disturbing. He still doesn't believe me. FML

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By Singleton - Canada

Today, it was my birthday dinner with my family. Everyone was making an effort to avoid a certain topic. Later my 5 year old cousin gives me a nice hand drawn card of me and my boyfriend. Apparently no one had the heart to tell her my boyfriend had broken up with me on my birthday. FML

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By Crotch_Rocket_Rider - United States

Today, when approaching a stop light on my motorcycle, I went to extend my left leg as usual to balance when stopped. Apparently my shoelace loop got wrapped around the shift lever and "tied" my shoe to the bike. It's hard to look cool when you fall over for no apparent reason at a stoplight. FML

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By meunluckycharms - Canada - Toronto

Today, I brought a boy home for the first time, only to have my dad ask him what his mother's maiden name was. When he answered, my dad exclaimed, "Oh yeah! I think I dated her in high school. I could be your father!" FML

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By duCOQUELICOT - Netherlands - Amsterdam

Today, after being told two weeks ago that my contract would be renewed, my boss managed to tell me that actually he had other applicants for the job. I will be let go, but he offered me two months extra so I could finish the projects he had me working on. FML

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By captfml - United States

Today, I was in the bathroom in a rush to get ready. Without thinking, I put hand soap on my toothbrush. I didn't notice until it was already in my mouth. FML

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By badtrip - United States

Today, my girlfriend was packing for her study abroad program. Jokingly, I got her a pack of condoms. She laughed, saying "Oh yeah, I'll definitely need some of those." Later, I showed up to take her to the airport and saw her open suitcase in the kitchen, with the condoms on top. FML

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By Miranda - 7/6/2020 17:06

Confused

Today, I was going to walk up to my crush, kiss him, and tell him how I felt. We are already kind of touchy with each other, so I thought he liked me back. I walked up to him and kissed him. He kissed me back, then gently pushed me away. He quietly whispered, "I'm gay." Then walked away. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Williamsburg

Today, I was at the beach with a group of friends, including the guy I like. As soon as we got to the beach, I ran toward the water and he chased after me. It was a beautiful moment until I looked back at him, tripped, fell on my face and slid down the beach. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Vancouver

Today, during a silent breathing meditation at the Buddhist center, I accidentally let one rip which echoed through the meditation chamber. If that wasn't bad enough, the follow-up odor was enough to fell a charging rhinoceros. FML

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By dibman - United Kingdom

Today, at work, I was asked to sharpen some pencils. I'm an electronics and mechanics engineer, and while I understand it's been quite a while since I was in primary school, I still wonder why my boss felt the need to explain in minute detail how to sharpen a pencil. FML

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By Anonymous

The Outsider

Today, I realized I am ‘that person’ in the group when I was only added to the group chat 6 weeks after it was created. I don’t really see a point in trying to chime in to the conversation at this point, but leaving the group seems a bit dramatic. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, some guy on a bike kept taunting me about my weight while I was out jogging. He ended up hitting a street lamp and fell off his bike. I had a real good laugh at him for all of 5 seconds before he got mad and really made me run. FML

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By luckycharmed - United States

Today, my roommate played a "prank" on me. He taped a length of clear cellophane at ankle-height just outside my bedroom door, causing me to trip and faceplant the floor, and busting out a tooth. I now look like a hick, and my roommate is refusing to cover my dental bills. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Adelaide

Today, my sister shaved a chunk of my hair off while I was sleeping. I'm getting married in three days. FML

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By swim5 - United States - Tempe

Today, my boyfriend of 3 months broke up with me because he is moving. He's only moving 20 minutes away. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2020 20:03

No smoking

Today, my boyfriend told me he started smoking again and had smoked almost a whole pack in 3 hours. We were on the phone and I was on the bus. He knew that was the perfect time time to tell me, because he knew I wouldn't yell in public. FML

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By onionrings - United States - Gainesville

Today, I found out that my husband really thinks onion rings are seafood. He's 36. FML

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By agh marriage - Australia - Albany Creek

Today, I was placed firmly in the friend-zone. By my wife. We've been married 10 years. She doesn't want a divorce, she says it'd be too "time-consuming." FML

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By serveandprotectyeahright - United States

Today, a cop almost rear-ended my car, slammed on the gas with no warning, swerved around me, flipped me the bird, then cut me off and then drove a full ten miles under the speed limit. When I changed lanes to overtake him, he pulled me over for road rage. FML

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By Ben - 12/11/2020 19:06 - United Kingdom

You learn something new every day

Today, I woke up with a boner and found out that I have retrograde ejaculation. I'm stuck in jail and cant get medication to fix this. FML

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By Kate - United States - Kansas City

Today, my boyfriend is seriously mad at me for telling his cat what he got it for Christmas. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I ran into my serious boyfriend of two years at a restaurant. He was sitting with another girl. I went over and asked him who she was. He replied, "Who are you?" Apparently I was the secret girlfriend. FML

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By Username - France

Today, my four year old daughter pulled her pants down in the middle of Best Buy. Apparently, you can smell the farts better when they don't have to pass through clothing. FML

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By Neurocardiogenic Syncope - Canada

Today, I have a heart condition that causes migraines and fainting, so I take salt tablets to stop the fainting. The migraines can lead to a stroke, so I have medication for them. The medication has a side effect: fainting. And to avoid migraines, I should avoid salt. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while taking a shower, a spider fell from the ceiling onto my foot. I took down my shower head to wash it down the drain, and in the process, got soap in my eye and rammed my head into the wall. FML

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Top comments

By perdix | 29

#5410324 - Monday 18 March 2013 16:31

Did Grandma say this while banging a guy she picked up at the gym?

By obviousboy | 8

#5410347 - Monday 18 March 2013 16:49

Grandmas: calling it like it is since they stopped giving a fuck.

COMMENTS

By lazyfoo92 | 4

#5410321 - Monday 18 March 2013 16:29

Video games are even a physical activity nowadays so how does that work?

SmallyBigs | 9

#5410334 - Monday 18 March 2013 16:37

Having sex takes care of both of those activities.

Enslaved | 36

#5410364 - Monday 18 March 2013 17:01

And what about the ones that just lie there like a corpses?

By perdix | 29

#5410324 - Monday 18 March 2013 16:31

Did Grandma say this while banging a guy she picked up at the gym?

Lrigglez | 7

#5410538 - Monday 18 March 2013 19:59

No while she was showing the parents her light up vibrator.

rabidpeach | 5

#5410594 - Monday 18 March 2013 21:15

demonstrating while she was visiting them at the cemetary

Wizardo | 33

#5410768 - Tuesday 19 March 2013 0:18

No, probably whilst he was scrounging up doritos and mouldy cheese off of the bathroom floor.

Joe9024 | 20

#5411110 - Tuesday 19 March 2013 5:40

I'm surprised OP could hear her with that mouth full of nachos! "Mhmmph Now where are my pants.."

Nicholi124 | 10

#5411668 - Tuesday 19 March 2013 16:46

At least she kinda covered for you lol

By Welshite | 39

#5410325 - Monday 18 March 2013 16:31

Sex is a physical exercise. Go get 'em, girl...

By dreamweeper370 | 10

#5410327 - Monday 18 March 2013 16:33

Cougars these days.

By andyyroxx | 20

#5410335 - Monday 18 March 2013 16:37

Yeah, and what about you, Grandma?

st333ph | 12

#5411076 - Tuesday 19 March 2013 5:02

That's a question who's answer I would not want to hear.

By zingline89 | 18

#5410337 - Monday 18 March 2013 16:41

Go bang a dude on a treadmill and kill two birds with one stone.

Pleonasm | 34

#5410386 - Monday 18 March 2013 17:17

Or just ride a space hopper to a similar effect

zingline89 | 18

#5410398 - Monday 18 March 2013 17:28

A space hopper/dildo combination...hmm...to the patent office!!

Pleonasm | 34

#5410418 - Monday 18 March 2013 17:45

Dildopper!

By sugarshane007 | 20

#5410341 - Monday 18 March 2013 16:45

Nothing quite cures the burn when delivered from Grandma.

By obviousboy | 8

#5410347 - Monday 18 March 2013 16:49

Grandmas: calling it like it is since they stopped giving a fuck.

By anythingmustbe | 18

#5410349 - Monday 18 March 2013 16:50

As Olivia Newton-John says...
Let's get physical physical!

happysmile987 | 24

#6204934 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 13:12

Er no. Just no.

By Felling | 14

#5410350 - Monday 18 March 2013 16:50

You just got owned by grandma.