Today, I was walking to the shops when I saw my friend about... - FML

By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was walking to the shops when I saw my friend about 10 metres in front of me, waiting at the traffic lights, by herself. Jokingly, I shouted out "Who's that really ugly person waiting at the lights?" The girl turned around. It wasn't my friend. FML

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Walk on the wild side

And today, on Dr Phil…

People are strange

By PickYourselfUp - United States - Chesapeake

Today, was the day I would turn my life around and start losing weight. I went outside for my first run and said, "I got this!" I confidently stepped forward, the first symbolic steps to my new life. In the anticipation, I forgot my porch had steps. I face-planted on my driveway. FML

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By happyturtle - Croatia

Today, my friend told me she turned down a job as a babysitter because she didn't want to be secretly videotaped, as she knew the people had a nanny cam. I wasn't aware of this when I took that same job a few nights ago and asked my boyfriend to come by. We had sex on their couch. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Spencer

Today, my 15-year-old birth daughter asked if I've ever had sex. FML

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By asdfghjkl - United States

Today, I bought a brand new flat screen TV. When I brought it home it didn't work. Furious, I walked into Best Buy and yelled at a guy in a tucked in blue polo and khakis. I asked him why it didn't work and he said he didn't know. I kept screaming. He didn't have a nametag. He didn't work there. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after not showering with my boyfriend in 3 months, he called me in to the bathroom and asked me to shower with him. After getting excited and ripping my clothes off, I get in and he asks me to wash his hair. FML

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By ehwat - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend that since I lost my job I can't afford a Christmas present for him, or anyone. He said trying anal would be fine. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/2/2020 20:00

Waste moment

Today, I went out drinking with my friends and my boyfriend met me there. We decided then to come home and planned an intimate moment. I got on top of him and went to kiss his neck. Next thing I know, I fell asleep right before we started. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Davis

Today, my boyfriend told me that he doesn't know why I think deepthroating is so uncomfortable. To prove his point, he grabbed my dildo and effortlessly slid it down his throat. FML

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By Spanner

Today, I realized why a female colleague keeps asking me if I'm high when I'm not. All I'm thinking when I see her is how glad I am to see her. Dilated pupils, flushed face, stupid grin on my face? I'm not high. I'm in love with her. She's married. Oh, and she wants to be my roommate for a year. FML

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By notcountry!

Today, even though my mom’s only ever been to the south once, she’s completely obsessed with talking with a bad, overly exaggerated southern accent. Not to mention constantly prattling off random nonsensical country phrases. We’re from and still live in California, nowhere near any country. FML

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By bananagurl4242 - United States

Today, my friends told me all five of us should bring sleeping bags on our field trip; I brought mine only to find out they had told me that so they would get the four beds to themselves. They all 'forgot' to bring them and its only fair that I should sleep on the floor. We are here for a week. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2020 14:02

Let it out

Today, I know it’s pathetic to cry after sex, so you can imagine how pathetic I feel when I cry after masturbating, because cleaning my vibrator afterwards just reminds me how long it’s been since I had a man, and how lonely I am. FML

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By a tad whipped - Australia

Today, I summoned the courage to call my abusive mother-in-law about her non-payment of the money I stupidly lent her last year. She replied, "Why don't you go deepthroat a cactus, then we'll talk about it, cunt." and then hung up on me. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland - Cork

Today, I was on a rowing machine at the gym, listening to a podcast. Something funny was said, I laughed, lost my balance and fell off, with my feet still stuck in the footrests. Someone had to come and help me off. FML

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By Downanout

Today, I found out I did so horrible during my interview that I didn’t even get a rejection email. FML

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By biscuit - United Kingdom

Today, I had to walk three miles home from work. Both my parents were at home. The reason they wouldn't collect me is apparently because I've "gotten so fat, your grandma cried after she saw you". FML

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By justmyluck - United States

Today, my mom picked me up from school due to me being sick. Afterwards, she took a detour to the DMV, and I waited in the car. I ended up vomiting everywhere, clothes included, and had to sit in the car for three hours while the taste and smells lingered. FML

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By chaoticnh - Austria

Today, I found out how it feels to have my groin catch fire due to a magic trick going wrong. FML

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By spaceavery - United States - Gresham

Today, I was having amazing sex with my husband. When he blew his load, he also blew something else - a giant glob of snot, directly at my face. FML

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By lulupie

Today, I went to a job interview. I really needed the job to keep my apartment. As I was being interviewed, the manager looked past me and stared off into space. There goes the job and my apartment. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend put chili powder on our loo roll as a "harmless" prank. He forgot women use loo roll to wipe the sensitive parts of their bodies. I have itchy weeping sores inside my vagina and am considering sticking an ice cube up there to stop the burning. FML

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By not_dead_yet - United States

Today, it was my first big time art show. To celebrate I went out to lunch with some people who's work was also there. When we got back police were every where. Someone had broken and stolen all of the art. All except mine. Even burglars don't want my art. FML

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By cakekiller - United States

Today, there was a big cake at the office. I thought it was funny to pretend to push the cute girl in the office into it. She laughed, but then lost her balance and fell forward. Everyone saw. Turns out she’s allergic to coconut, even just the shavings on a cake, and had to go to the hospital. FML

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By Jackie Campbell - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me using the "it's not you, it's me" speech with a slight variation, saying instead, "It's not me, it's you. And yes, I meant to say it that way round." FML

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By kipper

Today, I took my 8 year-old daughter to an airplane museum to show her the kinds of aircraft I’ve worked on during my 30+ year career. In the first 15 minutes, I had grease on my new shirt, bumped my head, spilled coffee and cut my hand. Sums up my career. Only 10 more years to go. FML

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By familydisaster - United States

Today, I was fired from my job at a local family-ran restaurant. The Reason? The owner's daughter has been stealing money from the register little by little and has blamed me for all the lost money. The boss is still convinced it's me, though, because his daughter would "never tell a lie". FML

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By Awesome. - United States

Today, my mom admitted that she always makes me put away the dishes because my obsessive compulsive tendencies force me to arrange the glasses and silverware by size, just the way she likes them. FML

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By annoyed - United States - Houston

Today, my mother texted me that she was in labor. She never told me she was pregnant. Apparently she's engaged too. FML

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By Lindsey - United States

Today, I took my driving test. I had pulled out of my three point turn in a neighborhood and started driving again, thinking something wasn't quite right. The lady testing me looked over at me and said, "Sweetie, you're driving on the wrong side of the road." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered after four hours of vomiting that it is very much possible to vomit so hard you can't help but shit in your trousers. My boyfriend is currently staying over, too. FML

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By ginkobiloba

Today, a door-to-door salesman came to my apartment. I was too lazy to change from my teddy bear print pajamas, fuzzy socks and pink slippers when opening the door to him. He took one look at me and asked, "Hello darling, are your mommy and daddy home?" I'm 22 and live here on my own. FML

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By toomuch - Australia

Today, I went to my doctor. I casually asked him why I keep getting headaches after I masturbate. He said it probably was a sign from God. FML

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By VaveJessop - 5/5/2020 20:00

Torn

Today, my 19-year-old best friend decided she's going to elope with her 30-year-old, alcoholic boyfriend, who she's only been dating for 5 months. She wants me to go with her and be her maid of honor. She says she'll never speak to me again if I don't support her terrible decision. FML

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By brad3720 - United States

Today, I was working as a manager of the local movie theater. This six year old came in with no parents or anyone else. When I asked him where his parents were he looked at me and said, "Shut up white boy, I don't have to listen to your shit." I just got told by a six year old. FML

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By Keisha

Downsizing awaits

Today, I got a 25-cent raise at work. That would be wonderful, had they not cut 6 hours off my schedule as well. I'm now making $200 less a month than I was pre-raise. FML

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By haley

Today, while in a parking lot, I accidentally cut someone off out of pure nervousness as I'm a new driver. I got out of my car to apologize, and they responded by beating me and my car to a pulp with a baseball bat. FML

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By whipplewhip - United States

Today, my husband and I were at the mall, and decided to have a snack at the food court. As we ate, an obese woman squeezed past our table, butt facing us. Just when her ass-cheeks slid past our heads, she let out a horrific fart that my father would be proud of. FML

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By poohanne - United States - Ville Platte

Today, my mom made up a new game. She thinks it's hilarious to hide my brother's creepy Batman toy around the house to creep me out. This has been going on for hours and I still scream every time. FML

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By Really - United States - Middletown

Today, my professor let a guy into my philosophy class 30 minutes late because his excuse was, "Time is just an illusion." This is the same professor that kicked me out of the classroom for being 2 minutes late. FML

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By speedstick - United States

Today, I received an anonymous letter telling me that I smell bad, and suggesting that I wear more deodorant. Apparently my BO is so bad that someone feels the need to stalk me to point it out. FML

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Top comments

By gusgus36 | 5

#2055374 - Monday 7 February 2011 16:15

well, I hope you said, "I'm so sorry! I thought you were my friend and I was kidding around. I washy really saying you were ugly!"

also, YDI for yelling something like that when you couldn't have been 100% sure it was your friend.

By CrystalAngel | 0

#2055353 - Monday 7 February 2011 16:09

She most really think you're an Idiot! O:
But well.. You should have checked out if it really was your friend. It's your own fault d;

COMMENTS

By mattdood | 0

#2055342 - Monday 7 February 2011 16:05

hahaha be more careful

Reply

therealdavid | 0

#2055599 - Monday 7 February 2011 18:09

For a second it had 1337 ydi. rpic

By ridder215 | 7

#2055344 - Monday 7 February 2011 16:06

Poor senile cat

Reply

Penguinman909 | 7

#2055347 - Monday 7 February 2011 16:07

wrong FML?

By CrystalAngel | 0

#2055353 - Monday 7 February 2011 16:09

She most really think you're an Idiot! O:
But well.. You should have checked out if it really was your friend. It's your own fault d;

By ALBATROSS9080 | 0

#2055355 - Monday 7 February 2011 16:09

I did that once but I yelled out "hey faggots", super awkward

By bigantennaemay | 3

#2055361 - Monday 7 February 2011 16:10

that is.... awesome! ah ha ha ha ha ha!!!!

Reply

anorexicbarbie | 8

#2055474 - Monday 7 February 2011 16:59

Hahahaha...shut up.

By ilovesexywomen | 0

#2055363 - Monday 7 February 2011 16:10

hahaha I've done that before

By anettes | 7

#2055372 - Monday 7 February 2011 16:14

I'm laughing so hard right now.

By gusgus36 | 5

#2055374 - Monday 7 February 2011 16:15

well, I hope you said, "I'm so sorry! I thought you were my friend and I was kidding around. I washy really saying you were ugly!"

also, YDI for yelling something like that when you couldn't have been 100% sure it was your friend.

Reply

gusgus36 | 5

#2055396 - Monday 7 February 2011 16:21

*wasn't

ugh autocorrect

Reply

InstantRanbowMix | 0

#4185172 - Monday 19 March 2012 5:45

I wonder why 'wasn't' was auto corrected to 'washy' i understand how it could have been a typo but when does anyone ever use the word washy?

By florenzfang | 0

#2055376 - Monday 7 February 2011 16:15

hahaha what did she react ?

Reply

ConfusionsLoveMe | 0

#2055977 - Monday 7 February 2011 21:59

*How did she react.

Reply

Aerious | 0

#2056793 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 2:37

?*

Reply

Yeah_Thats_Me | 0

#2057589 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 5:58

I'm sorry Florenz but everytime i see your pic I think you are blowing a dude.

Reply

JimmySlax | 0

#2058248 - Tuesday 8 February 2011 11:36

lmfao.

By Phil135 | 4

#2055378 - Monday 7 February 2011 16:15

Haha those goddamned doppelgängers lol! xD