Love and Intimacy: Bernie

Bernie

By Anonymous - 27/11/2017 06:00

Today, my boyfriend went down on me for the first time. It would have been great, if a mate of his didn't tell him to put Listerine strips in his mouth first "for the tingle." I've been running cold water over my burning genitals for 15 minutes while he laughs at the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 995

You deserved it 624

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Same thing different taste

Great idea

By anonymous - 22/03/2012 04:46 - United States - Chelsea

Today, my boyfriend went down on me with whiskey in his mouth. It felt like my genitals were on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 904

You deserved it 6 943

Saucy

By ouchhhh - 20/07/2018 05:00

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try something new in bed. He blindfolded me and I felt something cold on my lady parts. 5 seconds later it started burning so I looked. He decided to use toothpaste because he couldn't find chocolate sauce to lick off. It hurts to pee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 590

You deserved it 629

Fond memories

By -_- - 13/08/2011 00:05 - United States

Today, I was getting intimate with my boyfriend for the first time. I went down on him, only for him to burst into tears halfway through. Apparently, I do it just like his long-lost teen sweetheart did. I swear I could feel him go completely limp in my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 841

You deserved it 4 639

Crotch rot of the mouth

By Anonymous - 25/03/2024 19:00 - United Kingdom

Today, as I hadn’t showered yet, I told my boyfriend not to go down on me in case it smelled "down there." We started kissing instead, but he made a "blech" face, then went down on me anyway. Apparently my morning breath was worse than unwashed crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 133

You deserved it 473

Nomnom

By wow babe - 19/11/2012 17:46 - United States - Arnold

Today, my boyfriend went down on me for the first time. He definitely killed the mood when, while down there, he started saying, "Nomnomnomnom." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 093

You deserved it 5 623

Close but no BJ

By nikkrissa_04 - 07/08/2009 11:17 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were messing around in his car. I then decided I was going to give him a blowjob for the first time. As I was going down, he grabbed my chin and said, "Don't do that, your mouth isn't clean enough." FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 677

You deserved it 12 201

By sucks at sucking - 15/12/2012 00:27 - United Kingdom - Bournemouth

Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. I went slowly to build up the excitement, and I thought it was working really well, until he sighed, "For fuck's sake, it's a dick, not a shotgun." and told me to stop embarrassing him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 886

You deserved it 9 239

Hummmmm

By Anonymous - 28/08/2013 16:11 - United States - Spokane

Today, I went down on my boyfriend, and tried out a new trick I learned. I read in a magazine that if you hum while giving oral, it's supposed to feel good. My boyfriend started laughing and told me to stop after 30 seconds because I reminded him of his singing toothbrush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 119

You deserved it 10 532

By Anonymous - 04/12/2010 00:11 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was making salsa and got jalepeno juice all over his mouth. A little bit later, he started going down me. He hadn't washed his mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 068

You deserved it 5 900

No gods, no masters

By anon - 31/07/2015 20:28 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend and I got intimate. It was his first time, which I guess explains him sticking his hand down my panties and practically bitch-slapping my vagina for the next 20 or 30 seconds. I stupidly faked an orgasm just to get him to stop. Now he thinks he's some kind of sex god. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 368

You deserved it 34 715

Akitakat 31

Thursday 16 November 2017 15:22

Return the favor & see if he is still laughing?

WeirdUS 29

Monday 27 November 2017 8:42

Comments

Akitakat 31

Thursday 16 November 2017 15:22

Return the favor & see if he is still laughing?

PennyLane27 32

Monday 27 November 2017 8:04

You're an evil genius.

Demon_of_Light 27

Monday 27 November 2017 9:09

No offense meant, but it doesn't take that much creativity or genius to do to someone else the exact thing that was done to you.

RichardPencil 30

Monday 27 November 2017 6:49

At least he’s paying lip service to oral hygiene.

Lobby_Bee 17

Monday 27 November 2017 7:26

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Show it anyway

PennyLane27 32

Monday 27 November 2017 8:03

Maybe, but it really does just sound like some ill-advice one dude would tell his buddy.

Rabite 28

Monday 27 November 2017 14:22

Well, shower sex would have been a better idea then.

Snookie_852198958 8

Monday 27 November 2017 8:02

Maybe he was trying to kill bad germs

WeirdUS 29

Monday 27 November 2017 8:42

lexos 16

Monday 27 November 2017 10:14

Eat some spicy food before you give him a ********

RichardPencil 30

Monday 27 November 2017 15:49

He’s clitorally the worst boyfriend ever!

labiapatrol 8

Monday 27 November 2017 22:57

I didn't know cosmopolitan had expanded their target group to men..

samomaha 17

Tuesday 28 November 2017 1:49

I'm sorry, OP. Similar thing happened to friends of mine on their honeymoon. They became amorous in the middle of the night, and he accidentally grabbed some Vicks Vap-O-Rub instead of Vaseline, and smeared it all over her privates. She said she spent what seemed like hours with her legs up the bathtub wall, letting the cold water run into her!