The Top

All is well, he was reminded to have "nice hands" as well as other things. He lives at the facility I work at, but I will not be working with this youth anymore. Things escalated very quickly and in order for everyone to be safe and be able to learn in an apparently less tempting environment I will be in a different location.

He's such a character!

By Anonymous - 17/09/2021 23:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I was called a judgemental bitch by my family for not letting my son back home after his release from prison, forgetting that none of them want to house him either, considering he did run me over with my car he was stealing to pay his debts to his drug dealer/prostitute provider. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 288

You deserved it 80

By awkwardencounters - 12/11/2013 11:18 - United States - Belleville

Today, at the gym, I realized the guy who has been staring at me for the past 3 days is the same guy I promised to text back 5 months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 234

You deserved it 49 349

Christmas Racket

By Dave - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Tallahassee

Today, my 5 kids were singing their favorite Christmas carols in the van, each trying to sing louder than the others. It would have probably sounded better if they were all singing the same one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 066

You deserved it 4 659

By blaze - 17/02/2010 00:00 - United States

Today, my boyfriend gave me a really sweet poem that he wrote for me. I think it was secondhand - the first letter of each verse spelled his ex girlfriend's name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 193

You deserved it 2 460

By king400 - 25/11/2012 08:09 - United States - Lancaster

Today, I found out my girlfriend of 3 years has been cheating on me. When I explained the situation to the "other guy", he exclaimed that I was lying because I was jealous and trying to ruin his relationship. He punched me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 091

You deserved it 2 988

By anna - 22/12/2011 21:25 - France

Today, while waiting for my train, I was listening to a voicemail message on my phone. Out of nowhere, a stranger came up to me from behind and screamed "DELETE!" into my ear. His voice command deleted my message. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 975

You deserved it 4 625

By nl4 - 01/11/2013 23:55 - Israel - Tel Aviv

Today, my family got together for a big game of paintball. My grandpa wanted to play too, but I told him he was a bit too old for such a rough sport. He joined anyway, and spent the whole 2 hours hunting my dumb ass down. I'm now in constant pain after being riddled with paintballs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 913

You deserved it 56 305

By rashree - 13/02/2010 01:34 - United States

Today, my long-distance boyfriend told me that he was going to pee on me to "mark his territory." When I told him that it was disgusting, he said, "last time, I just peed on you in the shower." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 789

You deserved it 3 603

Open your eyes

By Anonymous - 01/10/2021 14:00

Today, I was taking some "me time" when my neighbor drove past and saw me. What I failed to realize was that my dog had pushed the shades open for my body to be right on display. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 139

You deserved it 429

By pinky - 12/02/2010 05:13 - Australia

Today, when setting up for a rehearsal, my eldest teacher was standing next to me. My music teacher announces that it will be a tight fit and hard for everyone to fit in the area. The old teacher next to me leans over and whispers, "I'd like to fit in your tight area." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 078

You deserved it 2 868

By anx133 - 15/01/2009 08:05 - China

Today, like any other day I struggled to put my boots on, went to pee and noticed my pants were covered in what looked like a green dust. I touched it, sniffed it, and it smelled utterly horrendous. So I took my boots off again only to find that one of my cats had took a dump in one of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 550

You deserved it 3 194

Weird family

By Veronica - 29/12/2022 15:00 - United States - Allentown

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex. His mom didn’t know much about it, and she walked in on us. After about 5 minutes she came back up, threw a box of condoms at us, says, "Continue" and walked out. We were still fucking while she was in the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 387

You deserved it 2 201

By LiLGeek - 12/01/2009 15:37 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were looking for our bubblegum flavored "numbing" lotion to have some morning fun. We couldn’t find it anywhere. After about 10 minutes, my little nephew comes from my room crying and drool coming out of his mouth. He smelt like bubblegum, his mouth and tongue were all numb. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 669

You deserved it 9 228

By Anonymous - 12/02/2015 03:59 - United States - Breaux Bridge

Today, I had my performance review at work. Under the "oral communication" category my boss wrote that I "act like an asshole." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 469

You deserved it 6 032

By reallyman__639 - 13/12/2011 12:26 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. My boyfriend took me to dinner and near the end, he pulled out a long, rectangular box. Thinking it was a necklace, I got very excited. It was a wand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 576

You deserved it 17 519

By Gg - 23/07/2009 21:19 - United Kingdom

Today, I bust my lip when a car bumped into mine. As I headed home, I was stopped by the police who told me my back light was out. I tried to explain, but it just came out as "fghjiljh" because of my lip. I was arrested on suspicion of drinking and driving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 015

You deserved it 4 142

Big Muff Fuzz

By Fartagirl - 15/10/2021 05:00

Today, I was using the restroom at school. What I thought was going to be just peeing turned into a humongous fart that echoed in the toilet bowl. Already embarrassed, I opened the door to leave. Two girls, who obviously heard, were giggling and saying, “It’s always the fat bitches.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 296

You deserved it 215

By Anonymous - 19/10/2013 05:34 - United States - Escondido

Today, my boyfriend sent me a nude picture. I would have been fine with it if he hadn't taken it in his ex-girlfriend's room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 477

You deserved it 4 768

By john r.t. - 10/11/2012 00:30 - United States - Eagle Pass

Today, I walked in on my son teabagging his sister over a video game. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 743

You deserved it 3 514

By Nominome - 07/02/2010 00:31 - France

Today, I was in the check-out line when I noticed the guy behind me kept impatiently sighing. Thinking he was a jerk, I took as long as I could packaging my items. Turns out he left his oxygen tank in the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 965

You deserved it 44 237

Misunderstood

By not a phobe - 16/07/2020 08:02

Today, my son told our whole family and all our friends that I kicked him out for being gay. I kicked him out because on more than one occasion he got drunk and sneaked random men in the house while he was supposed to be watching his younger siblings while I worked nights. They believed him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 422

You deserved it 280

By go fuck myself - 07/02/2015 00:57 - United States - Tampa

Today, I can't decide what's worse: the fact that my mother found my vibrator or that, as a prank, she replaced it with a realistic tarantula replica. She won't tell me where it is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 295

You deserved it 5 019

By nakedness - 11/12/2011 01:35 - Australia

Today, I was getting dressed in my bedroom with the blinds open and had nothing covering my top half. I thought my neighbours wouldn't be able to see in through all the trees, that was until I heard someone wolf whistle and one of my neighbours running away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 489

You deserved it 32 177

So sad

By Anonymous - 05/02/2011 17:22 - Canada

Today, I cried harder than I have in years. I was babysitting, and watching Pokémon to pass the time. It was the episode where Ash, Dawn, and Brock on the show went their separate ways, and may never be together again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 914

You deserved it 37 508

By Anonymous - 22/07/2009 08:11 - United States

Today, I was going to surprise my boyfriend at his family birthday celebration with a $2,000 trip he's always wanted, Ireland. Right before my gift, he had opened his mother's gift, an envelope containing a plane ticket. Guess where it was going? FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 135

You deserved it 5 072

Family matters

By smbcolorado - 04/02/2011 22:43 - United States

Today, my husband sent an email invite to his family about our daughter's upcoming birthday. Upon reading the email, his aunt clicked "reply all" while emailing her husband and said, "I'd rather say we're out of town than see that dumb bitch our nephew calls his wife." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 397

You deserved it 4 229

By donkeyd - 05/02/2010 16:29 - United States

Today, I woke up and had a voicemail from my boyfriend. I just thought nothing of it because it was a pocket dial. I decided to listen to it carefully and realized it was him having sex with another girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 946

You deserved it 2 495

FML on Facebook

Keywords

Grandparents Parents Kids Love Divorce Weird Cancer Scams Tinder Miscellaneous Relatable Cooking Annoying Money Embarrassing Birthday Awkward Shoes Clothes Food Job interview Work Teenagers Sex Intimacy Health Medication Ironic Painful Bikes

The Top

Today, I came home from work and went into the bathroom. I saw a poo on the toilet lid, and thinking it was a trick toy that my son had got to trick me, I picked it up. It wasn't a toy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 185

You deserved it 25 924

Today, as I returned home, I noticed some movement inside my house. Thinking it was a break-in, I called 911. It was my friends and some coworkers trying to throw me a surprise birthday party. Nobody's said a word to me since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 379

You deserved it 9 046

Random

Today, I was out running. All of a sudden I saw a dog come towards me, I thought it was going to attack me and I screamed like a girl in front of everyone. It was a puppy wanting to play. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 333

You deserved it 32 656

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend and I lustfully requested we try doggy style this time. He responded, "No, Jesus wouldn't like that." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 358

You deserved it 1 611

Today, I spent time with some of my extended family. To give you an idea of their pedigree, I overheard a daughter ask her mom, "Why did you name me Chanté?" The mom, "After the wine!" The daughter asked, "What wine?" and her mom replied, "You know, Chianti!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 783

You deserved it 169

Today, my girlfriend met an old family friend who I used to hate. Their interaction was courteous, but included the jab that he'd lost a bunch of weight after High School, while I'd packed it on. That night during sex, she called me by his name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 668

You deserved it 131

Today, I went on a first date, and it was going surprisingly well. As we were saying goodbye, I leaned in for a kiss. Just as our lips were about to meet, a car full of teenagers drove by and one of them yelled, "TONGUE SANDWICH." My date burst out laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 629

You deserved it 160

Today, I’m doing my clinicals at a teaching hospital. An irate patient began hurling slurs and demanded I leave the room during her exam. She didn’t care that I was a student; she thought I was a man. I’m not now nor have I ever been male. FML

I agree, your life sucks 488

You deserved it 116