Today, to be nice, I baked cookies for my step-mom as a birthday... - FML

By shinee - 15/8/2010 16:05 - Singapore

Today, to be nice, I baked cookies for my step-mom as a birthday present. I burnt my hand while putting them in the oven, but I'd hoped it would be worth it. When she got home, I gave one for her to try. She took a bite, spit it out, and threw it on the floor, asking if it was a joke or if I was really trying to poison her. FML

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Proactive

Dangling modifier

Live dumping

By estallidos - 23/1/2010 05:13 - United States

Today, I got out of the hospital for the second time in a week. The first time was for a seizure that my cat induced by tripping me over. The second was to get stitches from the Doberman that had decided to take over my front yard while I was gone. Apparently I was intruding. FML

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By not even - 21/7/2016 11:20 - United States - Troy

Today, my pregnant wife suggested we have fun tonight since we haven't had sex in 3 months. She also said we'll be having waffles and sausage. I'm actually more excited about the food than the sex. FML

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By Worky Workerton - 22/9/2016 17:14 - United States - Oakland

Today, I was fired without warning from my job because I was not consulting my boss about things like washing dishes and throwing away garbage. Basically, I was fired for being too good at my job. FML

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By BurnBabyBurn - 22/2/2017 10:00 - United States - Roberta

Today, after stopping to pick up dinner at a fast food joint, I got a nosebleed. I immediately reached into the bag to grab napkins and began stuffing them up my nose, only to find out too late that a mustard packet had burst in the bag. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/3/2015 03:52 - Netherlands - Utrecht

Today, it was my first day working as a dental assistant, leaving me in charge of all cleaning. The first patient was so scared, he peed his pants. Which might have been understandable if he hadn't been a fully grown man. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/4/2011 16:25 - United States

Today, I discovered that not only is my live-in mother-in-law a fan of Lady Gaga, she dances around the house naked to fully embrace the music. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2009 00:40 - United States

Today, I got to work in the ER at the local hospital. A lady came in with high blood sugar. She was concerned because the same thing happened to her husband. I reassured her, telling her she'll be back with her husband in an hour or so. Her husband died four years ago from something similar. FML

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By linda - 22/11/2010 21:14 - United States

Today, I went to get my hair highlighted at the salon. The salonist mixed up my blonde hair dye with some other girl's hot pink and violet dye. Now I look like a cheap hooker. FML

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By nhanley1 - 2/4/2009 17:07 - United States

Today, my cell phone broke. It wouldn't even turn on. I went online to access my account so that I could order a new phone. I couldn't remember my password. The phone company had an option of "forgot my password". Upon clicking I get a message saying "Your password will be sent to your phone". FML

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By Anonymous - 1/7/2013 20:35 - United States - Tunkhannock

Today, I was working as a nurse, and an elderly man had just passed away. As the patient's wife was leaving she said, "Thank you for taking such good care of my husband." Then I, intending to say "Sorry for your loss," said "Thank you for your loss." FML

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By BedazzledAlpaca - 8/12/2014 05:03 - United States - Englewood

Today, I fell asleep on the couch and woke up to find that I had slept through my house getting robbed. FML

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By MrsRODixon - 5/3/2015 12:38 - United Kingdom - Pencoed

Today, I received an urgent call from my son's nursery asking me to collect him, saying he was, "lethargic, complaining about being ill and crying". I get there and he's running around, playing and admits he just wanted to come home. They still made me take him home. FML

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By UGH - 8/4/2009 20:34 - United States

Today, I had to return a shirt to Target. My mom offered to do it for me on her way to work, so I gave her the shirt and receipt. Later, I realized that on the same receipt I had purchased condoms, lube, and whipped cream. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/12/2009 11:53 - United States

Today, after realizing it burned when I peed, I found out the boy I waited two years to have sex with gave me gonorrhea. FML

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By zawbentley - 26/9/2009 07:01 - United States

Today, I called my boss to let her know that I was suffering from severe depression and that my doctor suggested I take a month's leave. Her response: "Glad you are getting help, however we can't hold your job. No need to come to the office, we'll mail your stuff to you." FML

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By Anonymous - 20/1/2009 05:42 - France

Today, I discovered that Paolo has a big penis, that he's good in bed and that the hotel sheets still remember it all. Mum, the walls won't get any thicker just 'cause you're on the telephone. FML

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By pi_power_15 - 11/8/2015 03:25 - United States - Spring Grove

Today, my football practice ended early due to severe weather. Not only had I misplaced my phone earlier in the day, both my parents thought the other had picked me up. I was in the rain for an hour and a half. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2015 13:51 - United States - Pottstown

Today, I thought it would be funny to fart next to my brother in the car. Apparently, his carsickness is exacerbated by strong smells. I now know what it feels like to have lap full of vomit. FML

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By K. - 7/5/2011 17:38 - United States

Today, my dad demonstrated just how incredibly illiterate he is. He sent me a chain email about the awful lives of people with "Asparagus syndrome". FML

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By awkwardparents - 6/8/2012 08:13 - United States - Burlingame

Today, my girlfriend's parents took pictures of my tattoos to make sure I'm "not affiliated with any gangs." I have never even been arrested. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/12/2014 16:07 - Australia

Today, my cat let out the biggest moan I have ever heard, while we were both in the living room. My dad heard and accused me of watching porn. FML

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By HkxAliso0302 - 3/3/2020 22:00 - China - Beijing

News from China

Today, I've been trapped at home for almost two months because of the epidemic. Now I'm thrilled just to get to go outside to throw garbage away, as if I'm going on a trip. FML

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By SoccerBabe42 - 26/12/2011 12:11 - Canada

Today, I went on a blind date. All my date would talk about was how he was 'really his own best friend.' FML

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By Anonymous - 19/8/2012 23:25 - United Kingdom - Kent

Today, after years of bad blood, my husband decided to invite his parents to dinner. After making rude remarks about my pregnancy, his dad eventually muttered that I'm a slut. My husband punched him, his wife called the police, and now I'm all alone while he sits in a jail cell for battery. FML

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By Dana - 10/5/2011 08:36 - Netherlands

Today, I finally mustered the courage to tell my crush how I feel. He's a straight-A student and very nice in general. After I finished pouring my heart out, he stared at me for a bit and then said: "Nice rack." FML

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By Anonymous - 18/7/2014 23:06 - United States - Horseheads

Today, my mom told me my relationship is a joke, because teenagers don't understand the meaning of relationships and commitment. I couldn't help but remind her how she's divorced three separate men to date. She hit me over the head so hard that snot flew out of my nose. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/6/2014 01:39 - United States - Demopolis

Today, my dad made the local news. The business he owns is so run down and overgrown that it's officially a public health hazard. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/11/2010 00:37 - Canada

Today, I came home and saw my roommate had taken out the garbage for the first time in the three years we have lived in the same house. Unfortunately, the bag of laundry I had by the door was taken out with it as well. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2016 00:04

Today, my 12-year-old sister, who sometimes has difficulty coming up with the right words while speaking, used the word "intercourse" to replace "encounter". She was joking to my dad that she, "had an 'intercourse' with Bob Dylan." I can't get the image out of my head. FML

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By unlucky - 16/12/2010 04:08 - United States

Today, I went with my sister to her company Christmas party. They had a gift raffle, my number was called and I won $25 for a local restaurant. A few moments later, the manager came over and said, "You don't work here? You can't have that" and took it from me. FML

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By This_Is_Me1982 - 3/1/2011 17:51 - Canada

Today, I found out that my friend makes more money than I do. She's a high school dropout and working at a retail job at the mall. I went to college for four years to get my job. FML

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By SummerJob - 6/9/2012 16:51

Today, it's day two of my two-month summer job on a Mediterranean cruise ship. I'm incredibly seasick, and the ship is still docked. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2013 22:22 - Australia - Padstow

Today, my friend asked if she could come over to my place. Since it's my birthday tomorrow, I said sure. Turns out she just wants to copy all my notes for our upcoming exam. FML

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By icanthearyou - 4/4/2013 23:55 - United States - Rock Island

Today, I was working at a daycare. There was a 6-year-old boy pretending to be my doctor, holding a little, plastic thermometer. He then, without warning, quickly shoved it deep into my ear. The last thing I heard was his giggle. I think I'm deaf. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2012 18:39 - Australia - Perth

Today, my boyfriend discovered how to make me queef on demand when he has his fingers inside me. I now feel like my love life has been replaced with fart sounds. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2013 15:45 - United States - Newark

Today, my friends took my work laptop and changed the sounds. Now, whenever I remove a USB device, a woman's voice screams "Put it back!" and when I insert a USB device, it says "Oh, you need to push it in harder!" I don't know how to change it back. FML

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By jeffcarp - 17/12/2019 14:00 - Italy - Cesenatico

Mint taste

Today, my wife stopped mid blowjob because it tasted too clean, like my mint shower gel. FML

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By trappedinmyownhome - 15/7/2015 02:11

Today, I was having a dinner party. My guests were getting along really well. I mean, really well; it turns out they all went to the same high school. For the next five hours, I hosted a high school reunion for a school I didn't even go to, in my own home. FML

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By katiebug - 12/7/2016 02:27 - United States - Topeka

Today, I was trying to get a good night's sleep before the huge exam tomorrow, which I'm extremely anxious about. The SAME night my neighbor below me is having a home birth. It lasted NINE HOURS. FML

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By daddoesn'tknowbest - 13/10/2011 12:24 - United States

Today, I overheard my husband talking to our 6 year-old about animals for a project. I listened, thinking it was cute, until my husband said gleefully, "Remember to say this in your project: octopuses have 8 testicles." FML

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Top comments

By Yarrachel | 16

#1248378 - Sunday 15 August 2010 23:09

Wow, what a bitch, you should actually poison her next time.

By Guuurlplease | 0

#1248407 - Sunday 15 August 2010 23:13

shank her ass

COMMENTS

By Yarrachel | 16

#1248378 - Sunday 15 August 2010 23:09

Wow, what a bitch, you should actually poison her next time.

Reply

The_grumpy_bear | 0

#1248411 - Sunday 15 August 2010 23:13

Wicked step-mother?

Reply

SeanFredrick | 3

#1248444 - Sunday 15 August 2010 23:16

Op, only cook for someone when you actually know how to. YDI

And learn to test food before giving it out.

Reply

WTF_FML_FTW | 0

#1248470 - Sunday 15 August 2010 23:17

you were really trying to poison her.

Reply

nyrangers1022 | 6

#1248480 - Sunday 15 August 2010 23:18

maybe they didnt taste good, or shes evil...shes prob cheatin on ur dad anyway

Reply

Cupcakeshizz | 0

#1248503 - Sunday 15 August 2010 23:19

make a house out of candy then lure evil cookie hating step mothers in and...well i dunno past that...

Reply

azn_pridee69 | 0

#1248519 - Sunday 15 August 2010 23:19

LOL. shinee as in SHINee?
anyway fyl

Reply

WTF_FML_FTW | 0

#1248591 - Sunday 15 August 2010 23:28

haha fuck puns.

Reply

Schizomaniac | 24

#1248608 - Sunday 15 August 2010 23:29

Hey hey hey whoa whoa whoa..What's with the animosity, Ignorance?

Reply

ellielovesyuh | 0

#1248615 - Sunday 15 August 2010 23:30

awh that's a bit harsh:/

Reply

Freeze_fml | 16

#1248661 - Sunday 15 August 2010 23:39

Keep trying, #30.

Reply

redoxy_fml | 0

#1248666 - Sunday 15 August 2010 23:39

You can pull a Black Christmas and turn her in to cookies :P sick movie

Reply

WhyTheFace4 | 0

#1248706 - Sunday 15 August 2010 23:46

if you're going to poison her do it with a poisoned apple...pie.

Reply

WhyTheFace4 | 0

#1248738 - Sunday 15 August 2010 23:50

Disney ftw?

Reply

Schizomaniac | 24

#1248741 - Sunday 15 August 2010 23:50

That's not a nice thing to say 44.

Reply

Freeze_fml | 16

#1248747 - Sunday 15 August 2010 23:51

#44 is not up here.

To reply to a comment, you click reply ON the comment, not on some random one and hope it works out. It's a complicated process.

Reply

Schizomaniac | 24

#1248782 - Sunday 15 August 2010 23:58

I'm working on it, man. I see I have entered this cruel world of FML.

FML: Where your every flaw will be brutally exploited.

Reply

mistired | 0

#1248799 - Sunday 15 August 2010 23:59

your beautiful :)

Reply

MyNameIsInvictus | 0

#1248821 - Monday 16 August 2010 0:04

damn you got a bitch step mom like Cinderella.

Reply

mfmylifesrsly | 29

#1248834 - Monday 16 August 2010 0:05

lmao poor schitzomaniac

Reply

Schizomaniac | 24

#1248855 - Monday 16 August 2010 0:11

I know :(
Chances are, this comment will end up in some random spot and Freeze will be all over it.

Reply

SeanFredrick | 3

#1248884 - Monday 16 August 2010 0:16

where be my cookies op? next time go to walmart buy cookies heat em up in the microwave and tell her they were handmade. But as stupid as you are, you'd prolly screw that up too.

Also, freeze, don't criticize people for where their comments show up, cuz it's probably not their fault.

Reply

Schizomaniac | 24

#1248895 - Monday 16 August 2010 0:18

You're right. And seemingly so, I did :D. I had to use the computer though, because when I press the button on my iPhone it throws the comment in any random spot and people call me stupid D:

Reply

Freeze_fml | 16

#1248907 - Monday 16 August 2010 0:21

It works fine for me on my iPhone.

Reply

SeanFredrick | 3

#1248937 - Monday 16 August 2010 0:26

Good for you.

Reply

Schizomaniac | 24

#1249116 - Monday 16 August 2010 1:01

.

Reply

Schizomaniac | 24

#1249124 - Monday 16 August 2010 1:03

.

Reply

Brittney_E | 0

#1249169 - Monday 16 August 2010 1:16

i love your choice of words.
it makes me speechless.

Reply

heynow00wellthen | 0

#1249719 - Monday 16 August 2010 3:18

She sounds like a really nice step mom. =P
Time to get some cookbooks and become the next Betty Crocker.

Reply

spaceboyftw | 0

#1249734 - Monday 16 August 2010 3:23

ydi for trying to poison that poor woman on her bday. next time do it the day after. fyl

Reply

Mattsta123 | 5

#1250567 - Monday 16 August 2010 7:05

you used salt instead of sugar didn't you

Reply

mondochill | 0

#1250771 - Monday 16 August 2010 7:56

lmfao I love ur pic!!

Reply

mells105 | 0

#1251665 - Monday 16 August 2010 11:39

you should put visine in her drink it'll make her instantly shit her pants no joke XD that's what my cousin did to her stepmom at a barbeque

Reply

SenoraC | 0

#1256049 - Tuesday 17 August 2010 8:21

Haha what a hypocrite.

Reply

Rayan8D | 0

#1261615 - Wednesday 18 August 2010 7:48

I agree with you.

Reply

starberries | 0

#1613807 - Thursday 28 October 2010 3:07

122, Visine is actually toxic and you can kill people that way. Your cousin is lucky her stepmom didn't have a worse reaction.

Reply

KRYPTON1T3 | 5

#2222940 - Tuesday 22 March 2011 14:39

she sounds like a bitch. don't try to be nice to her anymore, she's not worth your time.

Reply

Spazz420 | 7

#4249353 - Monday 2 April 2012 15:26

I bet u the cookies were fine and she's just a huge bitch

By happyk | 0

#1248396 - Sunday 15 August 2010 23:11

Maybe when you burned your hand, you left some skin behind in the cookie batter.

Reply

Enderfish | 0

#1248863 - Monday 16 August 2010 0:15

Just remember times like these when its time to find her a nursing home. Payback's a bitch.

By numbers878 | 8

#1248398 - Sunday 15 August 2010 23:11

I would get one and force her to eat it.

By Guuurlplease | 0

#1248407 - Sunday 15 August 2010 23:13

shank her ass

By g0downer15 | 0

#1248417 - Sunday 15 August 2010 23:13

I agree with 3 just grab one and shove it down her throat

Reply

manicethemage | 9

#4654373 - Thursday 5 July 2012 22:37

Giggity

By FMLephant | 2

#1248422 - Sunday 15 August 2010 23:14

Curb stomp the ungrateful bitch

By fiendishkitty | 5

#1248424 - Sunday 15 August 2010 23:14

Ugh. I know your pain. My stepmother is the same way. FYL op.

By shacoria | 0

#1248434 - Sunday 15 August 2010 23:15

Maybe you should learn to cook better.

By ladyganja92 | 0

#1248458 - Sunday 15 August 2010 23:16

should have just bought her a cake.

By hcovballer247 | 0

#1248460 - Sunday 15 August 2010 23:16

Oh wow, that really sucks.... So it is true step mothers are wicked.