The Top · The all-time greatest FMLs

Suit yourself

Today, my coworker, who constantly no-shows, ranted to me about his work hours being reduced. He somehow doesn't realize that he's the problem. We're understaffed as of now, so they can't fire him, and I have to be there constantly to make up for him being a lazy ass. My days off have been few and far between. FML

Playgirl

Today, I went to work at my job as a secretary. I had been given the task to file my boss's collection of Playboy magazines alphabetically by name of the centerfold. There was one for every month from the years of 1980 until now. FML

Amen

Today, apparently my bathroom breaks have perfect comedic timing. My very religious parents were praying in the living room. I quietly snuck into the bathroom that's less than ten yards from where they're at. Right as they finished praying and saying "Amen" I let off a massive fart, and my dad burst out laughing. FML

Nostradamus

Today, I walked into work, after having given my boss a weather prediction last week, so he could decide on which day to open a new company division. I was immediately taken aside and written up for "providing false information, adversely impacting morale". FML

Are you doing OK?

Today, my son is only two but I'm already plagued by the idea of him one day having a wife or girlfriend. I'm being kept awake at night by the betrayal of something that hasn't even happened. FML

Today, I went to work and said hi to my boss. He reached towards me. I thought he was trying to give me a hug, so I awkwardly hugged him back. Turned out he was just trying to fix my shirt collar. FML

Today, during a drunken night out, a really trashed friend said to me, "Jeez, even when I’m drunk, you're really ugly." FML

Hot headed

Today, during an argument with my fiancé, I threw my engagement ring on the ground. The center stone broke off. Now he's couch surfing, and has sworn that he won't marry me unless I can find the stone. One stupid moment might actually ruin my life. FML

WhatsApp drama

Today I found out my husband was throwing a 50th surprise party for me, and no one RSVP'd because of my best friend starting arguing with everyone in a group text. This was going to be the first big party or surprise party that I'd ever had. FML

Today, I'm a cashier in a grocery store. The visiting regional manager tore me a new one for being lazy. His reason? After working a double shift with no break, I decided to sit down for a minute when things got slow. FML

Niles Crane wannabe

Today, I felt comfortable enough to invite the guy I’ve been seeing over to my apartment for the first time. Things immediately got weird when he started to inspect my place top to bottom to make sure it was “clean to his standards”. I told him to leave when he started going in my closet. FML

A tale as old as time

Today, it's been an exact month since everything went wrong with me and the girl I put 100% efforts to just talk to. My heart has never felt no heavy, and I wish I was a bit more attractive. The greatest pain that comes to your heart is when you love someone who you can never have. FML

Today, I'd stayed up all night to finish a detailed report. By the time I'd printed it I was late for work so I jumped in my car. Driving down the street, I saw my papers fly off the roof of my car. It was raining out. FML

Enlightened centrism

Today, I asked my right-of-center best friend what exactly he hates about Critical Race Theory. His only coherent answer was, “It’s too critical!” This is my son’s godfather. FML

Red tape

Today, I received the contract for the new job I'm supposed to start in two weeks. It says I need an official document from the public health department, which I have to present on the first day on the job. The first available appointment to get said document is in four weeks. FML

Reunited

Today, I fell asleep on the bus taking me home after a long hard day at work. I woke up with my head on a stranger’s shoulder, drooling. The worst part? The stranger was my crush from college, who I haven’t seen in years. Turns out we have the same bus route. FML

Playing favorites

Today, I was making dinner for my family while my wife was at work. She walked in the door with McDonald's, even though she knew I was cooking. Then our kids saw and started screaming that they wanted McDonald's too and that it was unfair. I've told her not to pull this shit and she won't listen. FML

Geyser Söze

Today, I found out why my B&B host looked so pissed this morning. I remember having too much red wine and puking out the window last night. Turns out the lampshade underneath the window spread my puke all over the freshly painted wall. FML

Dream house

Today, my wife wanted more space, so we moved to a new house. I signed a more expensive one-year lease and went through a huge move. Everything would’ve been fine if she hadn’t broken up with me one month later. Now I’m trying to renegotiate the lease and sleeping on the couch. FML

Today, I had a big argument with my girlfriend, after she tried to stop me going home, even though it was already past my curfew. I got home, only to find out I'm grounded for staying out late, and dumped for being "inconsiderate". FML

Once more with feeling

Today, the pain in my ribs was so bad I thought it’d be a good idea to stick the 24-hour heat patch on my skin to get the best out of the heat. When I removed it, it tore a bunch of my skin off. And I still have rib pain. FML

Knackered

Today, I got written up for “making a big show” of being exhausted at work. I was trying to hide it. FML

Today, I went to school prepared to speak in front of a whole bunch of kids and talk about how great my middle school is. I spent an hour on the speech and took the 45 minute drive there. Turns out the coordinator of the school only called me in to pass out brochures. FML

My body, my choice

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be a good idea to drink several shots of vodka after taking a pill that makes you sick when you drink. She puked all night and then blamed me for making her sick. FML

Awkward silence

Today, I was taking notes during a meeting, and politely asked the speaker to repeat a statement. She snapped, "My time has value. I do not repeat. If you don't respect me enough to pay attention, it's your problem." Everyone just stared at me. FML

"Based on your purchase history…"

Today, in the break room at work, I was looking through my email on my phone about my Amazon orders. There was a suggested product that looked like a dildo. I turned around to see my boss behind me glancing at my phone. FML

But…

Today, I went to my retail job to buy some clothing. As soon as I walked through the doors, my manager yelled at me for not being in appropriate work clothes. I tried to explain that I was off the clock but he was having none of it. I got written up. FML

Today, I realized that every targeted advertisement on my Facebook involves gym memberships and diet pills. FML

Today, I got my cell phone bill. I pay for 700 minutes per month. I used 9 last month. FML

I want to break free

Today, I found out that after caring for all of my family and I’m about to get on with my own life, someone has dementia and I'm right back in the same spot I’ve been forever, stuck again with caring for someone else. This has been going on for 20 years. FML