By Anonymous - 16/9/2020 15:01 - Canada - Red Deer

My body, my choice

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be a good idea to drink several shots of vodka after taking a pill that makes you sick when you drink. She puked all night and then blamed me for making her sick. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1141

You deserved it

114

Favorite

Healthy relationship

My body, my choice

That'll be Kevin in accounting

By AnnaNick - 14/2/2010 02:19 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I were out shopping. As he was trying on shirts, I told him that the particular shirt he was wearing looked ugly. He turned around, sighed, and said "You think? Well, your face is ugly, but you don't see me complaining about it." He was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31859

You deserved it

10304

Favorite

By fmlfmlfml - 10/7/2009 05:27 - Canada

Today, I snuck into my brother's room to scare him. Just as I was about to go for it, his girlfriend calls. I had to sit there motionless listening to my brother having phone sex, then wait for him to go to sleep and sneak back out to pretend it never happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24807

You deserved it

60704

Favorite

By Anonymous - 22/2/2010 11:28 - United States

Today, I went on a date with a guy that I have been crushing on for 2 years. At the end of the date he tells me that he is moving away and as his going away present, I could pay for dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31962

You deserved it

3027

Favorite

By Username - 25/11/2012 23:36 - United Kingdom - Newcastle Upon Tyne

Today, I caught my mother trying to switch my contraceptive pill for Tic Tacs. I don't know what's worse - how far she will go to have a grandchild, or that she thought I wouldn't notice that my birth control left me with minty fresh breath. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27966

You deserved it

1880

Favorite

By owwwww - 19/7/2012 20:05 - United States - Piscataway

Today, I was having a really vivid dream in which I had to take a penalty kick to win the World Cup for the USA. I took the kick, but in reality, I smashed my foot against my bedroom wall and broke four of my toes. I also missed the kick in my dream. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30662

You deserved it

3497

Favorite

By GodDaughter - 20/9/2009 00:08 - United States

Today, I was locked out of my house so I texted my cousin to come over and help me get in. She came over, stood on a chair and lifted me through the smallest unlocked window possible. Sadly, this was my bathroom window and I ended up head-first into my toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37493

You deserved it

9927

Favorite

By Ethan - 17/10/2009 11:13 - United States

Today, I awoke to find a giant turd on my carpet, cat hair everywhere in my room, and a big hole in my window screen. I don't own a cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37997

You deserved it

2382

Favorite

By Dogs loose - 2/3/2010 12:17 - France

Today, I found out that there's nothing like having to chase a 100-something lb. Bloodhound around the neighborhood when you're 8 months pregnant, with a 3 and 4 year old in tow. Especially when she runs the other way at the sight of you coming. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30851

You deserved it

4338

Favorite

By nalathelionqueen - 10/8/2012 22:44 - United States - North Hills

Today, the summer camp I work at had its annual scavenger hunt, wherein the counselors hide and the kids look for us. It was my first year there, so some of my colleagues showed me the "best hiding spot." Two hours later, still undiscovered, I realized they just wanted to get rid of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26420

You deserved it

3047

Favorite

By igotsbadluck - 17/7/2013 21:44 - United States - Smyrna

Today, while walking into a hotel room, I passed by a full-sized mirror. My reflection scared me so badly that I punched the mirror, which then shattered and resulted in several cuts to my hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24016

You deserved it

41845

Favorite

By Anonymous - 15/9/2020 05:02 - Germany

Two states of matter

Today, I learned that is it possible to be constipated and have diarrhea at the same time. You run to the toilet every half-hour, but almost nothing comes out and you feel so bloated you could burst, while eating almost nothing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1214

You deserved it

Favorite

By Anonymous - 12/3/2012 04:16 - United States

Today, I was shaving naked in my cold bathroom before showering. My wife walked up behind me, yelled "Shrinkage!" and flicked the head of my penis as hard as she could. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36843

You deserved it

4647

Favorite

By piliseep - 7/6/2017 16:00

Today, I realized that I accidentally said my phone number wrong when I was giving it to a really smart, cute guy with all the same interests as me that I met at a bar last night. I'd had a few drinks and had gotten the middle three digits mixed up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3946

You deserved it

1576

Favorite

By Sugartits - 8/8/2017 13:00

Today, my boyfriend forgot to pick me up from work. We work at the same place. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4979

You deserved it

371

Favorite

By Screwed - 7/6/2014 13:31 - Australia

Today, I took some heavy pain medication before calling my boyfriend. I don't remember the call, but apparently confessed to really liking corn, and faking orgasms. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50256

You deserved it

15708

Favorite

By 0867142 - 27/2/2010 00:39 - Canada

Today, I found out that I spent a year helping my dad get back into shape, not for his own good health which was what I thought, but so that he could cheat on my mom with 5 other women. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34884

You deserved it

2403

Favorite

By piemasterzim - 22/11/2012 01:20 - Canada

Today, I was messing around with my wife. I grabbed her boobs and said, "Honk honk". Unbeknownst to me, my daughter saw it. Now my 3-year-old girl runs around honking everyone. Even her grandparents. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13978

You deserved it

31764

Favorite

By ZAnon - 6/2/2015 07:06 - United States - Houston

Today, my 97-pound pitbull wagged and chased his tail while I was being mugged. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37580

You deserved it

3791

Favorite

By black and yellow - 21/1/2013 06:32 - United States - Salinas

Today, I went to see my new dentist. He was really cute, so after the checkup I started flirting. He stopped me right after I asked him out, saying, "Being a dentist has its advantages, I can see the girl's mouth before I stick my tongue in it. And in your case, it's a big no." FML

I agree, your life sucks

23744

You deserved it

45548

Favorite

By Anonymous - 22/9/2014 17:41 - United States - Mckinney

Today, I got yelled at by a bleeding-heart hippy in the restroom for using paper towels. Apparently I'm a "tree-hating, paper-wasting bitch". I had a nosebleed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38440

You deserved it

3083

Favorite

By Danielle - 2/8/2020 08:08

Crushed

Today, I was disassembling a tent after a week of camping when I felt a crunch under my bare foot. I lifted up the tarp I was standing on to find a now squashed mouse. Mice are my favorite animals, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to go camping again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1213

You deserved it

442

Favorite

By fuckmyassimcold - 14/12/2012 19:19 - United States

Today, I avoided having to wash the dishes by faking a cold. My sucker of a wife believed me and hopped off my balls about it. Later on, after I made a miraculous recovery, she told me to take out the trash. It's freezing outside and raining, and I feel a very real cold coming on. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6944

You deserved it

79000

Favorite

By insensitive prick - 19/8/2013 19:04 - United States - Tinley Park

Today, I was at a "bring your family to work" event. I noticed my coworker brought his kids but not his wife, so I asked, "No wife today?" Everyone glared at me and he pointedly replied that she's married to someone else now. I had no idea. Now everyone thinks I'm an insensitive prick. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46110

You deserved it

8855

Favorite

By fuck me - 28/11/2013 19:13 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, my dad is forcing me to go shopping with him tomorrow for Black Friday, because he's convinced that my martial arts classes will come in handy when people "inevitably" try to beat the shit out of us in the rush for cheap stuff. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42923

You deserved it

3644

Favorite

By katie876 - 14/1/2012 13:34 - United States

Today, I had a band concert and my mum got kicked out. She screamed "BORING!" in the middle of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31048

You deserved it

3391

Favorite

By Anonymous - 14/4/2012 11:10 - Egypt - Cairo

Today, my parents invited my Muslim boyfriend over for dinner for the first time. My mother made sure that everything including the salad had pork in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39385

You deserved it

7437

Favorite

By Hm - 20/3/2015 00:54 - United States - Rio Rancho

Today, I was sitting in the airport, watching the baggage handlers load the plane I was about to get on. They were being really rough with it, one bag came open and all the clothes spilled out onto the tarmac. The clothes looked familiar. They were mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33842

You deserved it

2287

Favorite

By DaddyZ - 27/6/2010 13:30 - United States

Today, my youngest son thought that RedBull actually gave him wings. What it actually gave him was a trip to the ER and 7 stitches. It also gave me a meeting with social services. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47083

You deserved it

8227

Favorite

By smh - 13/5/2012 22:30 - United States - Sacramento

Today, if you live in California, you might have seen a crazy drunk guy naked in front of a McDonald's, waving at everyone. Yeah, that was probably me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10225

You deserved it

36233

Favorite

By Anonymous - 10/9/2019 02:02

Today, despite filling all the parameters for a model employee and being praised by multiple people over the time I was working, I was fired because a client complained to my manager that I didn't seem to know what I was doing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1570

You deserved it

112

Favorite

By wasntme - 10/5/2020 08:00

Pay up

Today, I got a bill for $62.70 because my company gave my last work car to some idiot who doesn't like to pay the toll road fees. They never took me off the registration. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1558

You deserved it

Favorite

By Anonymous - 18/8/2019 22:00

Today, I needed to call my mom to get some info so I dialled the number on my work phone. Not 2 seconds after, my cellphone rang. I got super pissed off because I hate when people call me on my cell at work. It was me. I'd dialled my own number. FML

I agree, your life sucks

439

You deserved it

2067

Favorite

By Dude_Stop - 27/3/2017 18:00

Today, I was hanging out with my friends when I tripped and a chair rolled over my foot, breaking a bone. A friend, who didn't believe me, then dogpiled on top of me and laughed as I screamed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4132

You deserved it

274

Favorite

By Wheresthecreamfilling - 3/11/2016 06:03

Today, my girlfriend and I had sex. Later, she said the highlight of her day was getting a cupcake from the grocery store. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11006

You deserved it

1835

Favorite

By Anonymous - 19/8/2011 04:11 - United States

Today, I took a taxi to my hotel. I specifically said that my destination was the Hilton resort. He took me to a bed and breakfast across town. When I finally got to my hotel, I cursed him out and didn't give him a tip. I then realized I'd left my phone in the taxi after he left. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27435

You deserved it

26145

Favorite

By dating a moron - 14/12/2014 17:30 - United States - Dearborn

Today, as I was about to lose my virginity to my girlfriend, she started doing stupidly fake moaning, which then went really high-pitched like a little girl's, killing my hard-on. She says she thought that because I'm Japanese-American, I'd only be able to cum if she copied "those Japanese pornstars". FML

I agree, your life sucks

44323

You deserved it

5036

Favorite

By Guess I'm not getting laid - 3/8/2018 14:30 - United States - Glasgow

Today, as things were finally heating up with a guy I'm interested in, his ex-girlfriend from two months ago called. Guess who's pregnant and guess who's still in a seven-month dry spell. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3494

You deserved it

336

Favorite

By Tgreject - 16/8/2009 04:33 - United States

Today, I was planning on asking out a girl I've been really close to for a few months now. I was with her when I got a forward text from my friend. It was from the girl and it said "noooo tell him not to ask me out I don't like him." I got rejected via forward text before I told her how I felt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41375

You deserved it

3140

Favorite

By - 25/10/2015 03:39 - United States

Today, my cousin got hired after six days of job-hunting. I graduated from university six months ago and haven't even scored a single interview; he's a deadbeat junkie who just got out of prison after doing time for armed robbery. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27762

You deserved it

2814

Favorite

By kdgirl - 21/9/2010 03:02 - United States

Today, my Grandmother gave me rosary beads for my birthday. She told me I better start praying for a husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29266

You deserved it

3118

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By genuinegoodguy | 8

#7938755 - Wednesday 16 September 2020 23:12

Is she on medication to stop her drinking? She sounds unwell.

By tounces7 | 27

#7938770 - Thursday 17 September 2020 1:07

So in other words she's an idiot.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 28

#7938754 - Wednesday 16 September 2020 23:12

She had to test that pill!

It works!

By genuinegoodguy | 8

#7938755 - Wednesday 16 September 2020 23:12

Is she on medication to stop her drinking? She sounds unwell.

By tounces7 | 27

#7938770 - Thursday 17 September 2020 1:07

So in other words she's an idiot.

By princess_stabitty | 17

#7938795 - Thursday 17 September 2020 6:29

From what I've been told, antabus can keep up all the nasty side effects of alcohol consumption for up to two weeks - I hope you can run as far away as possible, or get ready for not very nice two weeks with the idiot you have for a girlfriend.