By Anonymous - 19/9/2020 20:02

"Based on your purchase history…"

Today, in the break room at work, I was looking through my email on my phone about my Amazon orders. There was a suggested product that looked like a dildo. I turned around to see my boss behind me glancing at my phone. FML

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By omfgfmlife - United States

Today, my mother insisted I thoroughly water all the plants in and around my house before some people turned up. This would be fine except 90% of them are fake. She is convinced it will make them look "realer." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Birmingham

Today, I waited 45 minutes at the Apple Store for my grandpa to very loudly ask why PornHub wasn't loading on his computer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got my first speeding ticket. Looking it over, I was surprised to see that the officer listed my height accurately despite never having seen me standing. I complimented his uncanny ability and asked if it was part of police training. He then informed me that he read it on my license. FML

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By Noname - France

Today, I've just lost over £12,000 and it's not even halfway through the trading day. FML

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By loner - Australia

Today, I read my university's newsletter. Apparently we're starting up a "buddy" system for international students. I'm signing up, because this will help me complete my goal of making my first friend at university. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Albuquerque

Today, my friend insisted I wear her brand new hoodie for the day. When I gave it back after a few hours, she said she just needed it stretched and couldn't find someone fatter to stretch it for her. FML

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By DumbLackofLuck - United States

Today, I waited until the last minute to do my Christmas shopping. Today, I also discovered that my bank account has been frozen due to suspicious activity. FML

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By KilteDKilleR - United States

Today, I went to visit my grandpa. He has an easily excited dog, who barreled into my freshly broken knee. I felt my knee move out of place again. The dog chipped a tooth. We went to the vet first. FML

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By wellalrightythen - United States - Hobart

Today, I boarded a plane. A woman decided that she didn't like where she put her carry on luggage and pulled it out from over my head. The heavy luggage then fell right into my face, the wheel smacking me in the mouth busting my lip open. She just laughed and waltzed away without a word. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was using a disabled toilet. I'm disabled partly because of spinal problems. While I was doing my business, the whole toilet fell to the floor, leaving me sitting in a puddle of my own urine and smashed porcelain, with even more spinal problems. FML

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By Ashley - United States - San Antonio

Today, I found out why my boyfriend of 5 years won't propose/marry me. He would rather wait for his estranged wife to meet someone, fall in love, decide to get married, and do the filing herself. He doesn't want to pay the couple of hundred dollars for the uncontested divorce filing. FML

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By Anon Y. Mous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I learned what being stabbed in the leg by an ex feels like. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was telling my mother about my earrings hurting my ears. I had a cut on my ear close to the piercing and she thought that I had mistaken the cut for the opening, and said (as we walked past a car full of men), "Well of course it hurts when you put it in the wrong hole!". FML

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By Jammy238 - France

Today, I was taking my dogs for a walk, then it started to rain, and the wind went mad. I ran for cover in the trees near a bridge, slipped and fell into a river. I was soaking wet and my boots were full of water. Then to get back out of the river, I had to use stinging nettles as hand holds. FML

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By fuck off, eh! - Canada - Milton

Today, my hippy nutjob of a roommate threw a bitch fit at me, all because he saw me chopping down a tree in Minecraft. FML

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By soontobehobo - United States - Mankato

Today, I was checking my schedule online and noticed that I wasn't scheduled for any shifts next week. Not thinking it was a big deal, I called HR to get it corrected, only to find out I was laid off and they "forgot" to tell me. FML

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By Ricky - Canada

Today, I was working at Old Navy. A girl came up to me and did a bizarre dance. Not knowing how to react, I imitated her to be friendly with the customer. Then she stopped cold. Her friend stormed up to me and yelled, "you jerk! Why are you mocking her? She has tourettes you know!" FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Calgary

Today, at the hairdresser's, I fell asleep while my hair was being washed. My barber had to shake me awake. FML

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By Justme - United States

Today, I had surgery on my "girl parts" and can't have sex for six weeks. My boyfriend sees no need to spend any time with me until I heal up. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/3/2020 08:00 - United Kingdom - London

True romantic

Today, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend. During the act, he looked deep in to my eyes before whispering, "Up the arse next time?" FML

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By never again - United States - Bakersfield

A real orgasm

Today, I finally had sex with the guy I like, but I had to pee really bad. It got really wet down there, and he thought I squirted. I peed everywhere. I let him believe he made me squirt. FML

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By Xpresss - United States

Today, I came into work with a new hair cut and so far everyone has asked me If I lost a bet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Flushing

Today, what few friends I have won't talk to me anymore. My ex told them she dumped me because I abused her. I never abused her. What really happened is that she dumped me in a rage after I refused to give her money for drugs. Nobody's even asked for my side of the story. FML

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By amywee - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Are Christmas cards still a thing?

Today, my dog received a Christmas card before I did. FML

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By trice - United States - Austin

Today, it's my birthday. Three people wished me happy birthday: Google, my insurance company, and the place I lease my car from. FML

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By AkaiKitsune - Canada - Victoria

Today, while riding around the lake, a pair of kids thought it was okay to take turns yanking my horse's tail and running away so they didn't get kicked. When I told the parents not to let their kids do that, they said that I shouldn't be riding if I can't "control my beast". FML

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By forgottendaughter - South Africa

Today, my father asked me to never contact him again. The reason? His "new" family doesn't know I exist and explaining that he has a 28 year old daughter to his wife and his other children would be "awkward". I have siblings that I will never meet. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, while driving through town, I was distracted by a pretty girl walking on the nearby pavement and accidentally rear-ended the car in front of me. Not only did the pretty girl witness the crash and give a statement, it turned out she was a very feminine man. FML

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By natural selection i guess

Today, I found out why my biology class TA, who takes the class alongside the other students, was always so eager to collect my work. Turns out, she's been erasing my name on my papers and writing hers in all semester. My failing final grade has already been finalized. FML

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By seeking new employment - United States - San Francisco

Today, I found out why my coworkers never invite me anywhere. Apparently, I "made a face" when one of them used the N-word, and it makes them uncomfortable to be around me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I accidentally asked the cashier at Wendy's how much their 99 cent chicken nuggets were. I guess he is still laughing at me. FML

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By Fuck - United States - Fowler

Today, I had sex with my boyfriend. In the middle of it, he started saying in deep voice, "Enter, exit." Over and over. FML

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By neverthesame - United States - Shelbyville

Today, I realized that something's wrong when you have to go to a mental hospital for a family reunion. FML

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By Emil - United States

Today, I was caught stealing a video game. I realized after my parents were called that the case was actually empty. FML

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By krissy8799 - United States

Today, I gave my boyfriend a blow job for the first time. He posted it on Facebook and can't understand why I'm angry with him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Venus

He who smelled it…

Today, my boss let me sit in on a board meeting. It was awesome until the guy next to me let out a vile fart, then looked at me in disgust, causing the others to look at me in disgust too. When I told my boss what really happened, he told me to grow up and stop blaming the other guy. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I used the bathroom that the high school shares with elementary kids. As I was pulling my pants down, my phone fell out of my pocket into the other stall. As I was reaching for it, the little girl in the other stall took it and ran away. FML

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By shitbucketsfilledwithshit - United States - Spring

Today, while walking home after a night of partying, I saw a thin, bald person in a suit looking at me from across the street. I got flashbacks to the Slender Man, screamed like a little bitch and ran. Then I realized I'd just humiliated myself in front of some random guy waiting for a bus. FML

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By Ryan746 - United States

Today, I asked a girl out and made plans to go see a movie. About 5 minutes in, I made a move to put my arm around her and smashed her in the face. FML

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By Yasha cohen - 30/11/2020 11:01

Shoe gang rise up

Today, right after preparing a gourmet plate of dry-aged steak with freshly cooked mashed potatoes, I stepped on my son's Lego and dropped my plate. I stood there for 5 minutes, crying. FML

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Top comments

By TxKitten | 8

#7939415 - Saturday 19 September 2020 21:00

Your boss shouldn't have been looking at your phone. He should be embarrassed for being nosey, not you.

By RichardPencil | 29

#7939425 - Saturday 19 September 2020 21:09

Maybe your boss can give you something that looks like a dildo.

He can cut out the middle man, if you know what I mean ;)

COMMENTS

By TxKitten | 8

#7939415 - Saturday 19 September 2020 21:00

Your boss shouldn't have been looking at your phone. He should be embarrassed for being nosey, not you.

By RichardPencil | 29

#7939425 - Saturday 19 September 2020 21:09

Maybe your boss can give you something that looks like a dildo.

He can cut out the middle man, if you know what I mean ;)