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Nice dodge

By UTRejected - this FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was selling winter-themed cookies at my university. I cheerfully asked a girl if she would like to buy cookies to support peer tutoring. Her response? "I don't eat food." FML

agreeclassic 34 975

vote type 1 3 980

Headshot

By Username - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - France

Today, I decided to have a midnight snack. I figured I knew my own house well enough to leave the lights off so my mom wouldn't wake up. Chuckling at the brilliance of my plan, I walked straight into a doorframe and bust up my nose. FML

agreeclassic 9 208

vote type 1 31 375

Hello?

By Anonymous - 25/08/2012 03:31 - United States - Tucson

Today, I was at a job interview. The interviewer spoke to me for a few minutes, then said she would be right back, and left. I was left alone in a room for an hour and a half believing that it was a patience test. They closed the store for the day, leaving me in the interview room. FML

agreeclassic 33 285

vote type 1 2 533

By Anonymous - 04/10/2014 14:58 - United States - Chicopee

Today, I finally got around to cleaning out my mother's things after her passing. In the process I found a fancy box. What did it contain? A collection of crack pipes. FML

agreeclassic 40 979

vote type 1 3 216

By nyx - 27/09/2014 08:16 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend asked me to marry him. When I happily told my dad, he kept asking if I'd consider taking back my ex. FML

agreeclassic 41 555

vote type 1 3 687

Kill me now

By bademployee - 12/08/2014 23:16 - United States - Portland

Today, my boss had a lengthy and obnoxiously egocentric conversation with a colleague. After she left across the office, I stood up, looked over at my colleague, and made a sarcastic "shooting myself in the head" gesture. I saw my boss staring at me over a cubicle wall as I turned around. FML

agreeclassic 29 893

vote type 1 21 684

By Anonymous - 05/08/2011 23:51 - Canada

Today, I was working at the hospital front desk when an elderly man started hurling racial slurs at another visitor. A fight broke out, so I stepped in and forcibly separated the two. The old man tripped and crashed to the floor. Now I'm under investigation for "contributing to workplace violence." FML

agreeclassic 30 408

vote type 1 2 836

By Anonymous - 25/04/2009 06:52 - United States

Today, I was in an elevator with my family and a family I didn't know. I was about to press the number when somebody came up behind me. I thought it was my brother trying to press the number first, so I aggressivly pushed him out of the way. Turns out it was the other family's ten year old son. FML

agreeclassic 11 973

vote type 1 61 353

By john - 04/05/2012 19:14 - United Kingdom - Reading

Today, the person I've been sharing my most intimate feelings with finally got bored and let me know I've been texting the wrong number for weeks. FML

agreeclassic 29 226

vote type 1 5 017

Where is my mind?

By LAXsucks - 20/10/2009 01:10 - United States

Today, I was flying home from LAX when I realized I'd left my ID back at the hotel. After making phone calls to the hotel and rental car company, I found it and made it back to the airport in time for my flight. After going through security, I realized I'd left my phone on the hotel counter. FML

agreeclassic 14 974

vote type 1 36 863

By DJ - 07/04/2013 18:52 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I started training for a charity boxing match. When I got home and walked through the door, my dad punched me in the stomach to test my reaction time. As I lay on the floor trying to catch my breath, he said my reaction time was "terrible". FML

agreeclassic 33 636

vote type 1 5 890

Turn on

By RuasaLove - 30/07/2015 02:34 - United States - Pleasantville

Today, I was doing laundry while my boyfriend was sitting at the table playing on his phone. I glanced over and caught him watching my ass as I put clothes in the dryer. Trying to be sexy, I looked at him as I slowly bent over to put more clothes in. Instead, I hit my head hard on the dryer door. FML

agreeclassic 30 474

vote type 1 8 935

By Not Gay - 09/06/2015 03:04 - United States - Williamston

Today, I found out the reason my crush has been talking so openly to me. Not because she likes me back, but because she thinks I'm gay. FML

agreeclassic 30 196

vote type 1 2 663

By bloody hell - 04/06/2015 05:59 - Philippines - Para?aque

Today, my sister and I had a fight. In her rage, she threw piles of dirty laundry at me. One of her bloody panties hit me on the face. FML

agreeclassic 32 006

vote type 1 3 867

By Nikki - 13/05/2015 00:33 - United States - Satellite Beach

Today, I went to bring my 92-year-old neighbor some cake we had just made. When I walked in, she was wearing pants. That's it. I stared blinking in shock for a few seconds before running away, yelling, "So sorry. I brought you cake. Real tired. Gonna sleep now. Bye." FML

agreeclassic 27 035

vote type 1 3 606

By LALALA3 - 16/02/2009 23:20 - United States

Today, I finally gave the guy I was with for over a year a blowjob. Right after he tells me "I don't want a girlfriend but I want you to be my best friend." FML

agreeclassic 61 956

vote type 1 10 038

By Gen - 17/12/2008 09:40 - France

Today, I was telling off one of my friends, a fellow student of medicine, who was spending his evenings watching "House" instead of revising for our important exam, as I was. The topic mentioned in the episode came up in the exam. He got 4 points more than I did. FML

agreeclassic 31 567

vote type 1 9 383

By Anonymous - 27/01/2011 02:53 - United States

Today, I got my phone fixed and the lady who was working on it somehow resent all the old text messages in my outbox. One was to my ex saying, "I love you." FML

agreeclassic 34 124

vote type 1 4 198

By chelseaface - 21/01/2011 15:13 - United States

Today, I braved the winter weather conditions to get to a clinic for a prescription anti-diarrhea medication. When I arrived to find it closed, I turned around to walk to my car where I slipped on the ice. The impact made me simultaneously bruise my elbow and shit myself. FML

agreeclassic 37 642

vote type 1 3 640

Black out

By Shoeless - 20/01/2010 20:16 - United States

Today, after I drank way too much, my friend pulled the car over so I could throw up. Next to my pile of puke was a discarded shoe that looked remarkably like one from my favorite pair. When I got home, I realized that my left shoe was missing. FML

agreeclassic 7 377

vote type 1 35 440

By Anonymous - 21/12/2010 17:25 - United Kingdom

Today, I looked deep into my wife's eyes and told her how much I loved her and how much she meant to me. Her reply was, "Clean your glasses." FML

agreeclassic 32 657

vote type 1 4 246

Make it stop

By honeybunny - 19/11/2014 19:04 - United States - Norman

Today, I'm 11 weeks pregnant and my husband has taken great glee in the fact that his horrible gas is enough to trigger my morning sickness. We're about to go on a long, 12-hour drive. FML

agreeclassic 35 096

vote type 1 3 171

By Gigi - 05/09/2012 04:29 - United States

Today, my crush asked to use my phone so he could Google something. Flattered that he wanted to use my phone, I agreed. After he was done, he handed it back with a weird look. I later realized he had found himself in my top searches. FML

agreeclassic 9 636

vote type 1 30 775

By deathbysnoosnoo - 24/11/2009 21:42 - United States

Today, while showing my art work at a festival, a very old cougar walked up to me and asked if I wanted to hook up later. After refusing more than one time, the woman walked away with my business card. I've been getting emails with naked pictures. FML

agreeclassic 25 946

vote type 1 5 601

By Anonymous - 23/08/2015 17:34

Today, I passed my driver's test. My instructor took the learner signs off his car and let me drive back to my place. I guess he didn't bet on me crashing the car just a few blocks from the test center. FML

agreeclassic 21 462

vote type 1 5 732

By bkeiya - 08/04/2009 12:49 - Japan

Today, I saw my train pulling in to the station. I sprinted up the stairs and luckily made the train. I looked around and no one was in my compartment. I began to notice that the train was heading down some tracks I'd never been too. I got stuck on an empty train for 3 hours in the train garage. FML

agreeclassic 59 583

vote type 1 15 047

By cthulhu help me - 01/03/2013 18:22 - United States - Cabot

Today, my boss gave me the task of firing a recently-hired coworker next Friday. This guy spends most of his off-hours working out, probably abusing the fuck out of steroids, and to whom prison is like a bed-and-breakfast. I fear for my life by this point. FML

agreeclassic 32 678

vote type 1 2 839

By Anon - 18/05/2011 11:47 - United States

Today, we got a new dry-erase board, and I drew the Gotham City skyline complete with the Bat Signal. Later, I went downstairs, only to find my mom had written "BATMAN'S GAY" over the top of the picture. FML

agreeclassic 32 894

vote type 1 10 600

By paige - 27/02/2009 23:15 - United States

Today, I was recorded a video for my friend on her wall, I forgot to click "stop recording" and got undressed for a shower. When I got out of the shower I noticed I hadn't posted it. A few minutes later I started getting a lot of notifications. Everyone was commenting on my nude video. FML

agreeclassic 20 238

vote type 1 51 947

By Angry Mob - 01/02/2013 06:09 - Australia - Sydney

Today, most of my neighbours came to my house in an angry mob to complain about my dog barking. I don't have a dog. FML

agreeclassic 34 245

vote type 1 2 331

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Today, I was at Walmart and had to use the bathroom. I sat down and farted real loud. I didn't realize someone was in there with me until I heard a voice say, "Dude, that was a good one." It was a man's voice. I then realized I was in the men's restroom. FML

agreeclassic 52 051

vote type 1 13 632

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend in front of about 75 people in the fanciest restaurant in town. She told me she was already engaged, while holding up her right hand. FML

agreeclassic 2 295

vote type 1 596

Today, I confessed my feelings to my best friend, how I'm deeply in love with him. The consequence wasn't good, as he told me we should never talk to each other again. FML

agreeclassic 1 710

vote type 1 252

Today, my boyfriend made a mess eating spaghetti. Yes, he is older than 5. FML

agreeclassic 354

vote type 1 199

Today, I took my daughter to see Santa at the mall. When I went to pick her up from Santa's lap, my watch snagged on his beard, pulling it off in front of my daughter and about twenty kids in line. My daughter still isn't speaking to me. FML

agreeclassic 32 317

vote type 1 5 202

Today, I was taking a bus ride home, listening to some music. The music stopped and I assumed my iPod's battery had run out. Turns out someone managed to steal it, leaving my earphones in. I didn't feel a thing. FML

agreeclassic 53 019

vote type 1 11 822