The Top

Hey guys, it was a pretty rough day so I wasn't surprised at least one person encountered trouble, and he didn't speak a word whilst he was gripped tightly to the flotation device. Once on shore I asked him if he was alright and instructed him how not to get caught in another rip current. He promptly to me to "f off" and that he didn't need help. At that point his girlfriend ran up to ask if he was hurt, and everything went downhill from there. I appreciate the sympathy, but it would be a little irresponsible of me to let the man die :)

By somechick - 09/12/2009 05:25 - Canada

Today, I was eating a bag of almonds I got from the bulk food store, picking off what I thought was stringy remnants of their shells. When I finally got down to the bottom of the bag, I found a silk worm circling around the last almond left of a bag of about 200. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 391

You deserved it 6 111

By berryjones11024 - 14/09/2014 14:35 - United States - Fayetteville

Today, I found my son trying to comb his hair with scissors. He's the same kid who thought that if he ate toothpaste, he would never have to brush his teeth again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 089

You deserved it 5 375

berryjones11024 tells us more.

berryjones11024 17

Monday 15 September 2014 4:23

Hello the OP here, in case you are wondering my son is 14, this what makes this bad. I had a talk with him about combing his hair with scissors, he said that since it had an edge he thought it would work just fine. He's not hurt in any way but if he was to hurt himself, I would have told him to figure it out. The eating toothpaste is a whole different story, I didn't know the purpose and he didn't know the purpose. I don't think he knew that toothpaste is poisonous if you ate it. Anybody want to adopt a kid?

By Sean - 10/06/2013 02:27 - United States

Today, I got a concussion and several staples in my head. As it turns out, watering flowers is much more dangerous than it might sound. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 291

You deserved it 7 666

By Anonymous - 01/09/2015 04:37 - New Zealand - Albany

Today, I invited an acquaintance over for tea. When he came in, I told him to make himself at home. He took it literally and now half of my pantry is messed up, my boyfriend's chocolate supply is gone, and I'm pretty sure our couch is broken. Thanks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 727

You deserved it 3 706

By Anonymous - 10/07/2015 16:52 - United Kingdom - Nottingham

Today, I had to explain to several young children why asking the new blind girl to play hide and seek with them is inappropriate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 045

You deserved it 2 674

By Anonymous - 18/03/2014 14:56 - Japan

Today, I found out my ex just got engaged to a girl he met 3 months ago, shortly before he ended our 5 year relationship. His reason for breaking up was that he didn't believe in marriage and couldn't be with someone who wanted to get married. Right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 830

You deserved it 4 070

By gahdamnit - 28/05/2010 13:18 - Australia

Today, I tested the new taps in the shower, with my head. Yep, they're strong enough. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 630

You deserved it 25 836

Happiest place on Earth

By creepedoutmom - 17/05/2015 16:08 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I took my family to Disneyland. My husband had more fun than my five year-old daughter. He was hitting on the princesses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 624

You deserved it 3 195

Wahey!

By no_hullabalo - 04/09/2009 14:50 - Taiwan

Today, I went parasailing for the first time ever. My friends thought it would be funny to pull down my trunks right before my feet left the boat. I dangled there in the air for the whole resort to see. On top of that, I lost my shorts in the ocean. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 863

You deserved it 3 481

By worried - 01/04/2010 08:28 - Ireland

Today, I told my boyfriend that my period was now over three weeks late. He still doesn't believe me since it's April Fool's day. But I'm not kidding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 455

You deserved it 8 490

Heat of passion

By owl + bungee cord - 07/01/2014 20:38 - United States - Herndon

Today, my boyfriend and I were in the shower and things were getting heated. I tried to move position, but slipped and fell, bringing the shower curtain I'd grabbed onto down with me along its support rod. My ass hit the floor just as hard as the rod hit my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 572

You deserved it 10 071

What new hell is this

By full bladder - 28/04/2015 22:39 - United States - Valrico

Today, I found out my anti-depressants are super-effective. So effective, they affect things they aren't even supposed to. Like my ability to pee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 970

You deserved it 2 378

By ShampooThief - 12/04/2015 03:05 - United States

Today, my family checked into a hotel for spring break. The first thing my brother did was steal all the bars of soap and bottles of shampoo. He's now guarding them, and hissing at anyone that tries to take them. I just want to take a shower. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 711

You deserved it 3 031

Nice family you've got there

By Anonymous - 07/03/2015 10:34 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, while chatting with my in-laws, I told them about my upcoming spinal surgery. Soon after, when I went to get us some drinks, I overheard them murmuring about how many surgeries I've already had, how I'm a drain on the healthcare system, and how I should ideally just die. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 859

You deserved it 2 658

My child is so hilarious!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, while stocking shelves with canned goods, a kid no older than ten ran down the aisle, knocking down everything in his path. He was followed by his mother who was laughing hysterically. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 485

You deserved it 2 821

By Anonymous - 22/11/2014 18:18 - Ireland - Kilkenny

Today, I was having some rare good sex with my husband, when he suddenly said, "I'm fuckin' BORED," and pulled out so he could go play his video games. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 245

You deserved it 5 632

By botheredgf - 09/11/2010 12:02 - New Zealand

Today, my boyfriend drunkenly decided to let his friends cut his hair into a mullet. He won't change it. I'm supposed to introduce him to my family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 593

You deserved it 4 440

By the girlfriend - 26/08/2011 10:41 - United Kingdom

Today, at my boyfriend's house, I met his mother for the first time. And promptly fell in their pond. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 097

You deserved it 4 171

By Anonymous - 03/06/2013 20:55 - France - M?rignac

Today, my girlfriend woke me at 5am, just to say how great it was that I could still sleep two more hours before leaving for work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 399

You deserved it 5 606

By Anonymous - 27/07/2014 18:44 - Germany - Oberursel

Today, I woke up to a huge, disgusting bug next to my bed. As I tried to squish it, it suddenly flew off at high speed. Now I'm lying in bed, awake and terrified because I can hear it buzzing around but can't see it anywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 739

You deserved it 5 396

By LonelyMonkey - 12/11/2009 19:39 - United States

Today, I received an eviction notice taped to my door stating my landlord is selling his property and moving out of the country in 13 days. My landlord is my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 469

You deserved it 3 319

By Anonymous - 29/09/2010 06:24 - United Arab Emirates

Today, this guy I've been "seeing" for a year said he didn't want to share my birthday with me because he doesn't want us to get serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 639

You deserved it 3 941

By maleficunt - 03/06/2014 20:44 - United Kingdom - Cannock

Today, a customer yelled at me so furiously that she sprayed my face with spittle. I had to stand there, smiling and politely explaining that I needed to see a receipt before I could give her a refund. When she finally gave up and left, my boss bitched me out for "provoking the customer". FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 026

You deserved it 4 058

By Anonymous - 23/10/2009 00:15 - United States

Today, I was sitting in my bed drinking Yoohoo from a juice box. I decided it would be fun to see how much I could fit in my mouth. As soon as my mouth was full, I sneezed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 730

You deserved it 41 642

By nosey - 08/04/2013 19:20 - United Kingdom - Mountain Ash

Today, I woke up with my face covered in blood. Turns out that yesterday at my colleague's birthday party, I got so drunk that I started yelling "Nappy time!" before falling out of my hammock and face-first onto the concrete ground. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 673

You deserved it 40 164

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The Top

Today, I was having some kinky sex with my girlfriend. When I said "You've been a bad girl", she looked at me wide-eyed and asked very seriously, "What did I do?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 652

You deserved it 10 493

Today, my boyfriend pointed out that the water bill is getting kind of high. I suggested that we shower together to save water. He said he'd rather deal with the high water bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 190

You deserved it 4 079

Today, as I was at work as a gynecologist, a twelve-year-old girl asked me, on a scale of 1-10, how tight her "fun stuff" was. This is the new generation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 461

You deserved it 118

Today, my coworker doesn't want to go to lunch with me anymore, after I lost a load of weight in lockdown and she's still "overweight." Apparently, I've "changed, and not the same person." FML

I agree, your life sucks 805

You deserved it 77

Today, my son broke up with his girlfriend. When I asked why, he said, "Because I found out she's adopted. Ugh. I just can't with that, y'know?" Never before have I ever felt the desire to disown one of my kids. It's not a pleasant feeling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 286

You deserved it 170

Today, I was at a friend’s wedding, and when it came time to make a toast, I tried to stand up to make a speech. My suit jacket got caught on the chair, and I ended up falling flat on my back. The speech was drowned out by everyone laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 402

You deserved it 100