Today, my 3 year old son's tricycle was stolen. I looked up the... - FML

By ollie179 - 15/8/2011 19:14 - United Kingdom

Today, my 3 year old son's tricycle was stolen. I looked up the street and saw a neighbour's kid riding it. I marched up, gently lifted him off it, gave him a stern lecture about stealing and brought the tricycle back home. The cops then showed up. Apparently, the kid has an identical tricycle. FML

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Proactive

Dad jokes, part 43884

Or he's just becoming an old goober

By jezusflowers - 7/5/2009 02:26 - United States

Today, I stopped at a red light. I noticed the car in front of me had the reverse lights on. I thought to myself "Meh, that person must know. They wouldn't do that." The light turned green. Turns out they didn't. Nor did they have insurance. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/2/2010 20:04 - United States

Today, I walked outside, slipped, busted my head, and had to get 7 stitches. Turns out my son thought it would be funny to spray the sidewalk with water last night so it would freeze. He got a laugh, and I spent over $100 on the stitches. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/2/2016 18:47 - United States - San Francisco

Today, a teacher told me in all seriousness that she believes my son, who has severe learning difficulties, is likely demonically possessed. I'm sorry, but what century are we living in? Now I have to get him moved to another school so he doesn't have to be in the care of this nutjob. FML

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By Just..why - 25/3/2019 14:00

Today, I ran a mile for my gym class. While I managed to cut two minutes off my time, a few minutes later I felt dizzy and nauseous, which I thought was because I pushed myself too hard. I collapsed and vomited in front of everyone. Not a single person moved to help me. Not even the teacher. FML

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By merrymary - 7/1/2012 11:11 - United States

Today, I moved in with my new roommate. She's a vegetarian, and won't let me put my meat in the fridge because it will "contaminate her food". FML

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By anonymiss - 13/4/2009 16:12 - Canada

Today, half asleep, I dropped my pill before I could take it. I quickly picked it up and washed it down. Five hours later, I just found my pill on the ground. What did I swallow? FML

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By Anonymous - 14/1/2018 06:00

Today, after faking my orgasms for several years, I found out that my boyfriend has been telling his friends that I'm super loose because he doesn't feel anything when I'm cumming. FML

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By Jordan - 2/4/2015 19:58 - Jordan - Amman

Today, I wore a new shirt, but forgot to remove the price tag. It was kind of windy outside, so when I got outside, the tag hit me on the neck, I thought it was a giant insect attacking my neck. I started screaming like a little girl. I'm a 30 year old guy. FML

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By nerdygirl101 - 13/3/2010 05:27 - United States

Today, I woke up in pajamas I have never seen before. Usually, I sleep naked, and I live alone in a locked apartment. Then, the elderly woman next door asked for her nightgown back. Apparently, I sleep-walked and knocked on all the doors in my hallway repeatedly. I'm moving. FML

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By grossedout - 8/11/2009 21:11 - Canada

Today, I got home from a small vacation. Before I left, I set up cameras in my room to see if my roommate was stealing my money. Turns out she wasn't. However, she does borrow my personal "adult toy" whenever I'm out. FML

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By purpledp12 - 11/2/2010 09:12 - United States

Today, I was eating in the food court at the mall by myself but then a cute guy from my school offers to sit by me, I say yes of course, he then asks me for a french fry. Later on I realize he has eaten half my meal. He only wanted to sit by me for my food. FML

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By why - 12/10/2015 02:07 - United States - Broomfield

Today, I'm no longer allowed to work the drive-thru at my job, because over the weekend, 3 dumbasses I go to school with came in and complained to my manager, saying I sounded a creepy pervert and that it scared them enough to take their business elsewhere. FML

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By PapaW - 1/11/2013 07:01 - United States - Lehi

Today, I got a new cell phone number and sent a text to my wife. Playing around, I said, "Hey sexy are you alone yet? I'm ready to come over." She responded with, "Hey, yeah he is at work - did you get a new number?" FML

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By Anonymous - 28/11/2016 06:34

Today, I was talking to my mother when we both heard a continuous buzzing noise. Unable to locate the source of the noise we gave up. About an hour later, my mother yells down the stairs to me. Turns out my dog stole my vibrator, chewed it and presented it to my mother. FML

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By afraid of flying too - 24/6/2013 23:24 - Canada - Fort Saint John

Today, I'm left with two non-refundable tickets to Jamaica, because my now ex-boyfriend said his Quidditch tournament is more important than seeing my "fat ass in a bikini". FML

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By person - 10/6/2009 11:03 - United States

Today, I busted my ass to help this old lady move her stuff because she was going to a nursing home. I was told I would get paid. When I finished four hours later the lady took me to a room and told me to pick out anything in her little goody bag. I got a race car as payment. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/3/2016 14:36 - United States

Today, I got my phone back after bringing it in to get a crack in the screen repaired. The crack is fixed, but now the touch screen doesn't work and it won't connect to the Internet. I essentially paid to have my phone broken even more. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/1/2011 19:34 - United States

Today, I was shopping at Walmart, when a large lady and her friend blocked the aisle I was trying to go down. After saying, "Excuse me," twice and being ignored, I pushed my way through. After getting past, I looked back and noticed she was glaring at me while signing to her friend. FML

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By badnewsbears - 21/10/2009 02:27 - United States

Today, I was sitting in the cafeteria when one of my friends yelled out "Jake is uncircumcised!" as a joke. The girl I have a crush on was sitting at the table behind me and turned around and asked if it was true. I said yes, she responded with "wow, hope I never have to see that." FML

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By WhitneyHouston - 6/7/2009 19:33 - United States

Today, my neighbor knocked on my door and left a note that said "Please stop singing in the shower. You're terrible, and everyone in the building can hear you." FML

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By ididntevendrinkthatnight - 7/6/2013 05:14 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I got mugged on the way to my 21st birthday party at a bar. I begged the thug to at least throw me my ID, only to have him laugh and run away singing "happy birthday". FML

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By koolkat9 - 22/12/2014 19:11 - United States - Albion

Today, my boyfriend told me that my mom paid him to date me. FML

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By Eli123 - 1/5/2009 00:52 - United States

Today, I decided to run outside. I noticed a really hot guy mowing his lawn. I ran a couple of laps past him. After a while, when I slowed down, I smiled at him, and he replied You look really hot." I thanked him, and he quickly replied, "No, I mean you're sweating a lot." FML

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By Anonymous - 20/2/2013 07:31 - United States

Today, the guy I like asked me out for the first time. It's a good thing he did it over Facebook, because I started shaking and almost threw up. I don't know how I'm going to function on our date next week. FML

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By Craig - 5/2/2009 20:13 - United States

Today, I was awarding medals to finalists in a school club. While putting one around someones neck, I ended up poking a girl in the eye. She tried to be a trooper by continuing to walk across stage but i guess her eyes got really watery because she missed the step and fell, breaking her ankle. FML

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By kat, ACT - 20/12/2009 14:37 - United States

Today, while driving, we pulled up at a set of traffic lights next to a huge truck with live animals inside. Curious as to exactly what animal, I wound down my window to see if I could hear them, just in time for the truck to take off and cow shit to fly in my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2009 20:25 - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up to find my garage broken into and my car covered in paint and with the words "F*** you". Why? I broke up with my ex because she cheated on me and stole money off me and my mom. Apparently this wasn't a good enough excuse to break her up with her. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2020 23:00

Candid camera

Today, I prominently touched my boobs and put my hand inside my shirt to adjust my bra… all while I had my camera on during a Zoom meeting with the whole department FML

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By Anonymous - 30/5/2016 02:32 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was at church singing and my solo came up. As I walked through the crowd, this big woman caught the holy spirit and slapped the crap out of me. It was so hard, my fake tooth came out. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/5/2009 20:28 - United States

Today, I found a box of birthday candles sitting on the coffee table. Bored, I lit one, and after a minute I threw it away and sat back down on the couch. I started looking at the box and noticed that it said "Magic Re-Lighting Candles" at the exact moment that my trash can burst into flames. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/4/2020 08:00

No thanks, mom

Today, my crazed and very hormonal pregnant mother told me that I should get pregnant too, so that we can be "preggo buddies." I'm 15. FML

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By curiousorange - 5/7/2009 15:58 - United Kingdom

Today, I met a great girl at a party. We talked alone, and she made me promise I'd dance with her later. When I saw her later, she was unconscious, and in an ambulance. She'd collapsed, and the entire party assumed I'd spiked her drink. FML

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By strawberrykiwi62 - 11/6/2009 09:09 - Israel

Today, I found out that my extremely-flat chested cousin recently got a boob job. When my mom found out, she said "Oh that's great! They look so good!". Then she looks at me and tells me that I should get one. Everyone including my own mother thinks I should get a boob job. FML

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By MILF - 16/4/2014 22:03 - United States - Maryland Heights

Today, one of my most problematic students remained after class, whence he strongly insinuated his interest in receiving oral sex; I tried to convey just how inappropriate that was, when he interrupted, "Look, will you at least touch it?" FML

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By IStillHaveMy8hrShiftToGo - 11/3/2014 13:01 - United States - Beaverton

Today, I came in to work early at a restaurant to help out. I stocked, baked pies for the next day, cleaned and set over 50 tables, and vacuumed the entire two stories. When I went to send an order for the first customer of mine, I realized I hadn't even clocked on. Four ½ hours of work wasted. FML

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By T1A2Z3 - 13/11/2018 03:00

Today, right before sex, with his dick out and the condom in one hand, the guy I was with answered a phone call from his mum. FML

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By Jared - 1/1/2009 08:49 - France

Today, and for the last 8 months my upstairs neighbours have been making a tremendous noise. I finally decided to go up to complain: "The amount of noise you make is unbelievable ! It sounds like you're driving tractors up here!". The woman replies: "My husband is paraplegic..." FML

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By soliveyerlife - 21/3/2009 09:35 - United States

Today, my parents yelled at me for coming home at 1am this morning from a friend's birthday party. I'm 30 years old. FML

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By holyshart - 5/6/2012 09:03 - United States

Today, I walked in on my roommate trying to smoke a Mars bar. FML

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By kissless - 10/10/2009 19:04 - United States

Today, my boyfriend left for a month-long trip with his buddies. I stood near the door waiting for a goodbye kiss. He kissed his xbox goodbye instead. FML

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Top comments

By RouletteRed | 6

#3115523 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 1:16

Think before you act. You never know what's really going on and can get in serious trouble when you do something like that lol. Besides let a kid ride regardless till he's done. Don't just kick him off xD.

By TwitchingNebula | 17

#3115531 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 1:17

YDI. I understand the thought process, but you probably should have talked to the parents first.

Comments

By RouletteRed | 6

#3115523 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 1:16

Think before you act. You never know what's really going on and can get in serious trouble when you do something like that lol. Besides let a kid ride regardless till he's done. Don't just kick him off xD.

Reply

kwchambers92 | 10

#3115624 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 1:29

hey you don't hesitate with GTA suspects, they can pull AKs out of their pockets

Reply

Lucie_love | 4

#3115626 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 1:29

It reminds me of that full house episode when Jesse went out looking for michelle's bike xD

Reply

LiveLaughFML | 10

#3115678 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 1:39

that tricycle is what all the cool kids were riding. thanks to you, that kiddy will never be a cool kid. >:(

Reply

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3115719 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 1:47

Pretty sure he was thinking, just happened to be wrong

Reply

SCREAM4meeee | 0

#3115726 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 1:47

don't lie, you were just jealous and wanted a new trike.

Reply

YourEvilHero | 12

#3115763 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 1:59

I doubt a little kid would steal a tricycle

Reply

andy_l | 14

#3115852 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 2:19

36 - Two words: Stewie Griffin.

Reply

Jacobt24 | 19

#3116069 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 3:34

This FML reminds of the song "Welcome to my Hood."

Reply

CommenSense | 0

#3116142 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 3:50

Your an idiot for thinking that only ur son has that specific type of bike and no one else in the world does!

Reply

FarSide | 22

#3116509 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 5:20

Nice going douche bag. You're the type that grabs a similar looking piece of luggage at the airport too, right?

Reply

christianmary182 | 0

#3116917 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 6:44

23- yes!!

Reply

1greatsk8er | 0

#3117258 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 8:26

36- I would..

Reply

free2speak | 14

#3118521 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 14:28

81, I have done that before. I grabbed this brown with huge pink polka dots and a pink ribbon across it bag and turns out the obnoxious looking bag wasn't mine. the only reason carried that bag was to make sure it would be easy to spot but I guess that other lady thought the same.

Reply

sandi315 | 0

#3121333 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 23:47

Shut up nigger

Reply

Perci | 5

#3121407 - Wednesday 17 August 2011 0:03

#23- That's exactly what I thought! :D

Reply

tinyrosie | 21

#5663895 - Sunday 8 September 2013 4:52

Omg I was thinking the same thing

Reply

liketenpandas | 6

#5950116 - Monday 19 May 2014 17:24

48 I totally read that in stewies voice hahaha

By Deamoner | 0

#3115524 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 1:16

Kids dad: what tricycle?!?!?!

Reply

WIZchild | 0

#3115779 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 2:04

Well genius...companies dont make one of anything they make several if not millions..as for ur child he should get a bike lock if hes old enough to ride the tricycle HE CAN PUT A LOCK ON..jk idc

Reply

criminalmind | 10

#3116144 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 3:51

@38 What the fuck did I just read?

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The_Weirdo | 10

#3116779 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 6:16

38, if you were "just kidding", and don't care, why write that pointless, long, grammatically incorrect sentence.

Reply

TwitchingNebula | 17

#3116819 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 6:24

-93,
What's your excuse?

Reply

koe4 | 0

#3117935 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 10:48

96 - what's yours? Mine is to keep this comment theme going.

Reply

koe4 | 0

#3117945 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 10:49

95* ... i ruined it. why keyboard why.

Reply

The_Weirdo | 10

#3118294 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 12:52

95,mine was I felt like trolling, and I can assure you mine is neither long, nor grammatically incorrect. Good day.

Reply

TwitchingNebula | 17

#3123887 - Wednesday 17 August 2011 6:44

"If" in your post should be capitalized. Not to mention the cardinal sin of asking a question and putting a "." instead of a question mark. Baday to you, sir.

Reply

TwitchingNebula | 17

#3123915 - Wednesday 17 August 2011 6:49

Bidet*. My bag.

Reply

liketenpandas | 6

#5950118 - Monday 19 May 2014 17:27

Not to mention a RUN-ON sentence. You need proper punctuation in your life my friend. So, your sentence is neither grammatically correct, nor short.

By RabidBunny | 10

#3115528 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 1:17

Remember, never jump to conclusions. No matter how sure you are there is always a little detail that is overlooked. :D

Reply

MyMilkShake2Yard | 0

#3115943 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 2:53

Excuse win.

By TheLastChild | 8

#3115530 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 1:17

Assumption fail.

Reply

kwchambers92 | 10

#3115591 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 1:23

is there someone behind you?

Reply

TheLastChild | 8

#3115768 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 2:01

Yes. My genital eating pet zombie named Francesco.

Reply

LouisianaBob | 9

#3115783 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 2:05

he eats your genitals?

Reply

TheLastChild | 8

#3115802 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 2:08

Alas no. Just those of trolls. He finds them... Satisfying.

Reply

kwchambers92 | 10

#3115816 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 2:11

thought so, it should be a genital pleasing pet zombie named me

Reply

CommenSense | 0

#3116153 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 3:52

TheLastChild lol i like ur display pic of u bending down with ur mouth wide open

Reply

TheLastChild | 8

#3116164 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 3:56

CommonSense I like how you're trying to imply something about me by a silly picture I took :)

Reply

MagicallyFat | 12

#3116194 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 4:03

I think he's just trying to be a purv :0 it's working

Reply

kwchambers92 | 10

#3116202 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 4:04

so am I 66 but with good intentions

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MagicallyFat | 12

#3116216 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 4:07

It's just weird lol

Reply

TheLastChild | 8

#3116272 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 4:19

Perhaps it's time to change the picture -_-

Reply

MagicallyFat | 12

#3116340 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 4:32

Eh I think it looks good

Reply

kwchambers92 | 10

#3116392 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 4:44

bow chicka bow oww

Reply

Glitterhinoceros | 14

#3116476 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 5:12

It looks fine xP

Reply

CommenSense | 0

#3116516 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 5:24

Lol I'm a girl and straight, I wasn't saying ur pic looks bad, it's fine if u like it then leave it don't change

Reply

CommenSense | 0

#3116523 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 5:26

Aaand I wasn't implying that ur a slut or that u like to give bj's

Reply

CommenSense | 0

#3116560 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 5:36

Tga?

Reply

MagicallyFat | 12

#3116946 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 6:51

The people have spoken

Reply

joethebum | 1

#3116990 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 7:01

You look fine

Reply

YayorNay | 8

#3117181 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 7:59

Hey guys, ever wondered what oranges would be called if it was a different color?

Reply

IndianO | 0

#3117260 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 8:26

unless she likes to do that lol no ones judging haa

Reply

MagicallyFat | 12

#3117262 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 8:27

Haha I've ways wondered whether they named it an orange cause of the color or they called it orange cause of the fruit

Reply

1greatsk8er | 0

#3117267 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 8:29

Orange win

Reply

kwchambers92 | 10

#3119253 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 18:37

79, you look fine, killing it on the rhyme....schemes, boom

By TwitchingNebula | 17

#3115531 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 1:17

YDI. I understand the thought process, but you probably should have talked to the parents first.

By Blazingcrono | 6

#3115533 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 1:17

It's ok. You're preventing the kid from stealing later in life. You're such a role model to your community OP.

By CRoot63 | 5

#3115538 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 1:17

Why wouldn't you go to the kids parents first instead if just taking it

Reply

sara_saturday | 5

#3116896 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 6:39

no kidding!

Reply

1greatsk8er | 0

#3117273 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 8:31

Haha no KIDding

By DeathbatAttack | 17

#3115539 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 1:18

Wow. Think before you act.

By mrjude | 3

#3115548 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 1:18

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Nemmycakes | 3

#3118388 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 13:41

I had this one friend.
He stole stuff a lot.
He was white though.

By elk21dbm | 18

#3115552 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 1:19

And you never noticed this tricycle until your child's was gone??