Today, my 3 year old son's tricycle was stolen. I looked up the... - FML

By ollie179 - 15/8/2011 19:14 - United Kingdom

Today, my 3 year old son's tricycle was stolen. I looked up the street and saw a neighbour's kid riding it. I marched up, gently lifted him off it, gave him a stern lecture about stealing and brought the tricycle back home. The cops then showed up. Apparently, the kid has an identical tricycle. FML

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Toxic parents

Clocked

Doomed

By Iamthatgirl - 27/8/2014 04:56 - United States - Ada

Today, my boyfriend and I were having a conversation about the lack of communication in our relationship. I told him that sometimes I feel like he doesn't really care about me at all. If he did, he would listen more. His response? "I know your name, don't I?" FML

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By Anonymous - 1/7/2012 04:22

Today, I went to the beach with my boyfriend and family. My sister coyly pointed out the scratch marks down his back, hoping to embarrass me in front of my parents. The marks weren't from me. FML

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By Kens - 20/5/2009 00:51 - Canada

Today, I was on the bus home and on the phone with my best friend discussing my sex life with this new guy I'm seeing. I was telling her all sorts of raunchy sex things we've done until someone taps my shoulder and says "I'm sure he doesn't appreciate you saying this in public." It was his mom. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2013 01:46 - United States - Blythe

Today, a woman accused me of bullying her son, and said that she is going to get me fired. Her son is a 27-year-old teacher at my school, whom I disciplined for showing up drunk. FML

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By Noname - 27/2/2009 04:02 - United States

Today, I was sleeping because I had been sick. The closest bathroom to mine is the one in my parents room. I wake up and feel like I have to throw up, I run into my parents room to go to the bathroom. I walk in on my parents having sex. Shocked, I gasp for air then throw up all over their bed. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2016 19:29 - United States - Greeley

Today, I got threatened with a gun at the drive-thru, all because my coworker forgot to include extra fries in the guy's order. FML

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By dazzla08 - 21/10/2019 02:00 - United States

Fundies say the darndest things

Today, my husband told me doesn't really love me. He only married me because we had a daughter, and his grandmother told him he had to so she wouldn't be "an abomination to God." FML

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By screewit - 20/2/2009 23:42 - United States

Today, I called my girlfriend and she answered telling me how amazing the sex was last night and she can't wait to see me later. I didn't see her last night. FML

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By horselover7766 - 25/4/2012 23:08 - United States - Sewell

Today, my brother and I were shoveling mulch. He pushed me in and then ran away, laughing hysterically. I was stuck in the mulch, and no one would help. I was literally in deep shit. FML

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By Kelly - 23/7/2020 02:01

Polly wants it

Today, at work, I booked a vet appointment for an African Gray to get a birth control implant. I didn’t even know that was a thing and I definitely never thought that a parrot would have a more active sex life than me. FML

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By snazz23 - 2/5/2016 21:12 - United States - Bastrop

Today, I got engaged to the most wonderful man in the world. I excitedly called my mom to tell her the great news, thinking she'd be excited too. Her only response? "Oh." FML

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By elow72 - 19/2/2016 21:47 - United States - Nashua

Today, I woke up at 3:45 AM to fly to Pittsburgh to sample classes at a university there. After all that flying and sitting in traffic for 2 hours, I finally got to attend to my first class. I fell asleep during it. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/11/2013 19:12 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend's ex moved into the apartment beneath us. She's already called the cops on us for a noise complaint twice. We were sleeping. It's going to be a long year. FML

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By happybride - 13/4/2018 01:30

Today, my wedding limo driver got high and forgot to pick us up, so the photographers gave us a ride back to the venue from the photo shoot. Three bridesmaids, a flower girl, and I, in my full wedding dress, had to fit in the back of the 1997 Toyota Camry. FML

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By Barstaff - 24/12/2009 11:20 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that I have to work Christmas Day. There's no public transport running and taxis are triple fare. It'll cost me more getting to work than I'll actually earn during the shift. FML

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By InsomniacToBe - 19/7/2012 15:55 - United States - Saint George

Today, I had a dream that my ex-boyfriend had become a vicious serial killer and was hunting me down because I broke up with him. I don't know what scares me more: the way he hunted me in my sleep, or the fact that it wouldn't surprise me if it actually happened. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2015 05:56 - United States

Today, I had sex with my boyfriend for the first time. Afterwards, I got up to get some water. When I stood up, I fell straight to the ground, my legs were so weak. As I fell, I hit my head on the end table and knocked myself unconscious. My boyfriend laughed at me. FML

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By Ooops - 12/9/2019 22:02 - Canada

Baked

Today, I kept smelling the pleasant odor of baking bread while driving around. Tonight, I realized that the smell of yeast was actually coming from a cup of moldy smoothie that got missed and left in a cup holder in the back of my car. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/12/2011 06:45 - United Kingdom

Today, I found that when a hot girl asks you whether you have a girlfriend, saying, "I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one" is not the best way to proceed. FML

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By Sarah - 12/6/2011 00:54 - United States

Today, I saw my brother on TV after 3 years of no contact. He was being arrested on Cops. FML

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By sissydlk - 2/12/2010 15:54 - United States

Today, my wonderful boyfriend asked me if I wanted him to cook me scrambled eggs with sausage for breakfast. When I said yes, he pulled out his junk, and started shaking it violently in my face. FML

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By Roxy19 - 22/1/2013 06:50 - United States - San Diego

Today, while at the gym, my boyfriend wouldn't stop texting me. I was confident enough to text while on the treadmill. Bad idea: I hit myself on the bar and tripped in front of everyone. FML

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By loveeyou. - 8/2/2010 08:00 - France

Today, I realized the only reason I watched the SuperBowl is because Justin Bieber tweeted about it. I don't even like football. I had no idea what was going on the whole game. All I knew was who I was cheering for, because Justin Bieber tweeted who he was cheering for. FML

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By pinocchio - 24/6/2011 23:04 - United States

Today, during my honeymoon, my wife and I finally went scuba-diving. My nose was too big to fit in the face goggles, so I couldn't go. My wife went without me anyway. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2010 23:28 - United States

Today, I was driving home with my dad after buying a new truck. We were on the freeway and the engine wasn't revving up very much. My dad thought that something was wrong with my transmission, so he reached over to change gears. Most cars won't go into reverse at high speeds. Mine does. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/8/2014 21:50 - United States - Franklin Park

Today, I bought some noise-canceling headphones. They work well. Too well. My mom came home, unpacked her shopping, walked upstairs, knocked on my door, opened my door, and found me jacking off to a porno, all without me hearing a thing. Fucking hell. FML

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By fuckjuggalos - 29/6/2012 23:57 - United States - Eugene

Today, I found out just how easy it is to be launched against the wall and sucker-punched into oblivion by a 200-pound former Marine turned professional body-builder. I discovered this after I told my fiancée's dad that we were expecting a baby. FML

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By 5220 - 21/4/2009 13:13 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were driving back to college. He broke up with me 2 hours into the 3 hour drive. I had to sit in the car with him for the last hour. FML

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By must be adopted - 11/2/2013 01:00 - United States - Houston

Today, I casually mentioned to my dad that it was the Chinese New Year yesterday. He accused me of insulting his intelligence by "making stupid shit up." I explained that it's real, and that we just use the Gregorian calendar, hence the different dates. He responded by grounding me. FML

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By dust - 27/1/2012 06:54 - Japan

Today, I found out that due to the fact that I got divorced, the insurance for my car is going up. A year after she took everything, she is still costing me money. FML

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By livinproof - 10/12/2018 13:30

Today, not only did my horse step on my foot & refuse to move, he also took the opportunity to crap on my other foot while I was incapable of moving. FML

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By tgpgs - 19/1/2011 14:55

Today, at work, I spent half an hour on the phone with a customer. At the end of the conversation, as he was putting down the phone, I heard him say 'God, he was a miserable git'. I'm a 28 year old woman. FML

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By fmjob - 17/8/2009 03:19 - United States

Today, I got a raise. A 10 cent raise. I have worked at my job for over 3 years. I now make 20 cents more an hour than people that have only worked there 3 minutes. FML

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By doh - 10/1/2009 05:39 - United Kingdom

Today, my alarm went off. I snoozed it, and went on to dream that I got out of bed, did my business, brushed my teeth, took my breakfast, changed into my working attire, and was ready for work that morning. My alarm rang a second time, I had to do all that over again. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2012 11:01 - United States

Today, my girlfriend learned that calling someone a "stupid bitch" under your breath while staring right at them from six feet away works very differently in my house than at hers. She also learned my sister has one hell of a punch. FML

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By ThirdWheelHell - 30/6/2016 06:07 - United States - Farmville

Today, I had a date with a guy. We ran into our gay friend at the theater, who insisted on coming along. My date was pissed, but I couldn't turn our friend away. Afterwards, my date texted our friend, mad because he crashed the date. Turns out he isn't gay. And only crashed it because he likes me. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2015 08:33 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was putting the cat outside. He wouldn't go, so I kicked him. Then I woke up to my husband screaming. I’d been dreaming, and the "cat" I kicked was his family jewels. FML

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By Soverytired - 11/12/2014 13:29 - Australia

Today, I received a gift certificate from my grandmother for a local bookshop. Considering how broke I am, this would be a fantastic gift. If the bookshop in question wasn't a right-wing evangelical Christian Bookshop, and I wasn't Jewish. FML

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By beckzx58 - 6/8/2009 23:16 - United States

Today, I was pretending to use the force to operate the elevator at my hotel, getting really into it. Someone was waiting to get on at my floor and saw me. Not to mention the staff now brings it up every time I'm around. Apparently they have cameras in their elevators. FML

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By Uknowwh - 4/11/2009 01:12 - United States

Today, I found out that my best friend and the guy I had a crush on for 2 years are getting married. The worst part is that they've been dating for 2 years in secret, and just came out about it now. I've been telling her for 2 years how much I like him, and she's encouraged me the whole time. FML

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Top comments

By RouletteRed | 6

#3115523 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 1:16

Think before you act. You never know what's really going on and can get in serious trouble when you do something like that lol. Besides let a kid ride regardless till he's done. Don't just kick him off xD.

By TwitchingNebula | 17

#3115531 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 1:17

YDI. I understand the thought process, but you probably should have talked to the parents first.

COMMENTS

By RouletteRed | 6

#3115523 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 1:16

Think before you act. You never know what's really going on and can get in serious trouble when you do something like that lol. Besides let a kid ride regardless till he's done. Don't just kick him off xD.

Reply

kwchambers92 | 10

#3115624 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 1:29

hey you don't hesitate with GTA suspects, they can pull AKs out of their pockets

Reply

Lucie_love | 4

#3115626 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 1:29

It reminds me of that full house episode when Jesse went out looking for michelle's bike xD

Reply

LiveLaughFML | 10

#3115678 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 1:39

that tricycle is what all the cool kids were riding. thanks to you, that kiddy will never be a cool kid. >:(

Reply

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3115719 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 1:47

Pretty sure he was thinking, just happened to be wrong

Reply

SCREAM4meeee | 0

#3115726 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 1:47

don't lie, you were just jealous and wanted a new trike.

Reply

YourEvilHero | 12

#3115763 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 1:59

I doubt a little kid would steal a tricycle

Reply

andy_l | 14

#3115852 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 2:19

36 - Two words: Stewie Griffin.

Reply

Jacobt24 | 19

#3116069 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 3:34

This FML reminds of the song "Welcome to my Hood."

Reply

CommenSense | 0

#3116142 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 3:50

Your an idiot for thinking that only ur son has that specific type of bike and no one else in the world does!

Reply

FarSide | 22

#3116509 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 5:20

Nice going douche bag. You're the type that grabs a similar looking piece of luggage at the airport too, right?

Reply

christianmary182 | 0

#3116917 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 6:44

23- yes!!

Reply

1greatsk8er | 0

#3117258 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 8:26

36- I would..

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free2speak | 14

#3118521 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 14:28

81, I have done that before. I grabbed this brown with huge pink polka dots and a pink ribbon across it bag and turns out the obnoxious looking bag wasn't mine. the only reason carried that bag was to make sure it would be easy to spot but I guess that other lady thought the same.

Reply

sandi315 | 0

#3121333 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 23:47

Shut up nigger

Reply

Perci | 5

#3121407 - Wednesday 17 August 2011 0:03

#23- That's exactly what I thought! :D

Reply

tinyrosie | 21

#5663895 - Sunday 8 September 2013 4:52

Omg I was thinking the same thing

Reply

liketenpandas | 6

#5950116 - Monday 19 May 2014 17:24

48 I totally read that in stewies voice hahaha

By Deamoner | 0

#3115524 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 1:16

Kids dad: what tricycle?!?!?!

Reply

WIZchild | 0

#3115779 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 2:04

Well genius...companies dont make one of anything they make several if not millions..as for ur child he should get a bike lock if hes old enough to ride the tricycle HE CAN PUT A LOCK ON..jk idc

Reply

criminalmind | 10

#3116144 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 3:51

@38 What the fuck did I just read?

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The_Weirdo | 10

#3116779 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 6:16

38, if you were "just kidding", and don't care, why write that pointless, long, grammatically incorrect sentence.

Reply

TwitchingNebula | 17

#3116819 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 6:24

-93,
What's your excuse?

Reply

koe4 | 0

#3117935 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 10:48

96 - what's yours? Mine is to keep this comment theme going.

Reply

koe4 | 0

#3117945 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 10:49

95* ... i ruined it. why keyboard why.

Reply

The_Weirdo | 10

#3118294 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 12:52

95,mine was I felt like trolling, and I can assure you mine is neither long, nor grammatically incorrect. Good day.

Reply

TwitchingNebula | 17

#3123887 - Wednesday 17 August 2011 6:44

"If" in your post should be capitalized. Not to mention the cardinal sin of asking a question and putting a "." instead of a question mark. Baday to you, sir.

Reply

TwitchingNebula | 17

#3123915 - Wednesday 17 August 2011 6:49

Bidet*. My bag.

Reply

liketenpandas | 6

#5950118 - Monday 19 May 2014 17:27

Not to mention a RUN-ON sentence. You need proper punctuation in your life my friend. So, your sentence is neither grammatically correct, nor short.

By RabidBunny | 10

#3115528 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 1:17

Remember, never jump to conclusions. No matter how sure you are there is always a little detail that is overlooked. :D

Reply

MyMilkShake2Yard | 0

#3115943 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 2:53

Excuse win.

By TheLastChild | 8

#3115530 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 1:17

Assumption fail.

Reply

kwchambers92 | 10

#3115591 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 1:23

is there someone behind you?

Reply

TheLastChild | 8

#3115768 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 2:01

Yes. My genital eating pet zombie named Francesco.

Reply

LouisianaBob | 9

#3115783 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 2:05

he eats your genitals?

Reply

TheLastChild | 8

#3115802 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 2:08

Alas no. Just those of trolls. He finds them... Satisfying.

Reply

kwchambers92 | 10

#3115816 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 2:11

thought so, it should be a genital pleasing pet zombie named me

Reply

CommenSense | 0

#3116153 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 3:52

TheLastChild lol i like ur display pic of u bending down with ur mouth wide open

Reply

TheLastChild | 8

#3116164 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 3:56

CommonSense I like how you're trying to imply something about me by a silly picture I took :)

Reply

MagicallyFat | 12

#3116194 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 4:03

I think he's just trying to be a purv :0 it's working

Reply

kwchambers92 | 10

#3116202 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 4:04

so am I 66 but with good intentions

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MagicallyFat | 12

#3116216 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 4:07

It's just weird lol

Reply

TheLastChild | 8

#3116272 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 4:19

Perhaps it's time to change the picture -_-

Reply

MagicallyFat | 12

#3116340 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 4:32

Eh I think it looks good

Reply

kwchambers92 | 10

#3116392 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 4:44

bow chicka bow oww

Reply

Glitterhinoceros | 14

#3116476 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 5:12

It looks fine xP

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CommenSense | 0

#3116516 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 5:24

Lol I'm a girl and straight, I wasn't saying ur pic looks bad, it's fine if u like it then leave it don't change

Reply

CommenSense | 0

#3116523 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 5:26

Aaand I wasn't implying that ur a slut or that u like to give bj's

Reply

CommenSense | 0

#3116560 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 5:36

Tga?

Reply

MagicallyFat | 12

#3116946 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 6:51

The people have spoken

Reply

joethebum | 1

#3116990 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 7:01

You look fine

Reply

YayorNay | 8

#3117181 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 7:59

Hey guys, ever wondered what oranges would be called if it was a different color?

Reply

IndianO | 0

#3117260 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 8:26

unless she likes to do that lol no ones judging haa

Reply

MagicallyFat | 12

#3117262 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 8:27

Haha I've ways wondered whether they named it an orange cause of the color or they called it orange cause of the fruit

Reply

1greatsk8er | 0

#3117267 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 8:29

Orange win

Reply

kwchambers92 | 10

#3119253 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 18:37

79, you look fine, killing it on the rhyme....schemes, boom

By TwitchingNebula | 17

#3115531 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 1:17

YDI. I understand the thought process, but you probably should have talked to the parents first.

By Blazingcrono | 6

#3115533 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 1:17

It's ok. You're preventing the kid from stealing later in life. You're such a role model to your community OP.

By CRoot63 | 5

#3115538 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 1:17

Why wouldn't you go to the kids parents first instead if just taking it

Reply

sara_saturday | 5

#3116896 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 6:39

no kidding!

Reply

1greatsk8er | 0

#3117273 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 8:31

Haha no KIDding

By DeathbatAttack | 17

#3115539 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 1:18

Wow. Think before you act.

By mrjude | 3

#3115548 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 1:18

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Nemmycakes | 3

#3118388 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 13:41

I had this one friend.
He stole stuff a lot.
He was white though.

By elk21dbm | 18

#3115552 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 1:19

And you never noticed this tricycle until your child's was gone??